"What relationship?"
The First Hokage blinked innocently.
He didn't understand what Jiraiya was referring to, nor did he know what Vigorous Paradise was.
"I mean... that kind of.... behind relationship," Jiraiya whispered, making vague hand gestures.
Normally, the Toad Sage wouldn't be so reserved about "adult topics."
But speaking to the God of Shinobi about his sexuality felt... blasphemous.
"Is it like deep relationship?" Hashirama laughed heartily, slapping his knee. "Of course Madara and I share a deep friendship! We built this village together!"
"No, First Hokage," Jiraiya corrected quickly, sweating. "I mean 'Behind' as in... standing behind someone, Physically."
After the correction, Jiraiya grew very nervous.
Was he going too far? Would the First Hokage crush him with Wood Release because of this misunderstanding that would anger the First Hokage?
"Oh!" Hashirama's eyes lit up. "That kind of behind... That's fine too."
"I particularly liked standing behind Madara when he was peeing!"
"..."
The First Hokage nodded sagely with a meaningful, lingering smile of happiness on his face.
He seemed to be reminiscing about a fond memory.
Jiraiya instantly felt a phantom tightness in his own "backdoor."
'OH MYY GAAAAAAAAD!'
Jiraiya drew a sharp breath.
'First Hokage, maybe you should just get angry instead! What kind of expression is that?!'
'Standing behind Uchiha Madara while he was relieving himself? Watching and waiting?'
'What a terrifying play!'
Jiraiya had never encountered such a bold operation like this.
Only Kakashi's Vigorous Paradise contained such depravity!
'It seems that book truly records historical facts! Kakashi, you... you magnificent bastard!'
"Madara was very unstraightforward," Hashirama sighed wistfully. "He told me he didn't like people standing behind him. He said he was 'sensitive' and couldn't pee with someone watching."
"But what happened in the end?" Hashirama's expression turned melancholy. "I still stood behind him. And I stabbed him when he wasn't paying attention."
He was recalling their final encounter at the Valley of the End.
He used a wood clone to deceive Madara, appeared behind him, and ran him through with a sword.
However, in Jiraiya's ears, this "stab" carried an additional layer of meaning.
'He stabbed him... from behind... when he wasn't looking.' Jiraiya covered his mouth.
He didn't dare to think too deeply about it!
'No wonder they broke up!'
'If I were stabbed from behind like that, I'd leave the village too! You have to be gentle since it might be his first time!'
"Brother, please shut up. I'm about to throw up."
The Second Hokage, Tobirama Senju, looked like he wanted to die again.
He pushed Hashirama away with disgust and turned to Makoto, holding the portrait.
"So who exactly is this? Why did you think to ask us about her whereabouts?"
"Oh," Makoto said casually. "This is some information I obtained through archaeological research."
"It's said that during the Warring States Period, there was an extremely powerful Uchiha kunoichi. She was used as a weapon to slaughter countless enemies on the battlefield. Eventually, she was sealed away by the combined efforts of the Senju and Sarutobi clans because she was too dangerous."
"However, I don't know which specific period this occurred in, nor the location of the seal. So, you don't know either huh?"
"Not sure," Hashirama scratched his head. "Tobirama, was there really such a person like that? Could she be some distant aunt of Madara's? She looks just like him."
"I haven't heard of it either," Tobirama shook his head.
Then his eyes narrowed.
"But young man, if you want to accumulate power to protect the Shinobi World, you should rely on nurturing people willing to follow you. Not these crooked methods."
"If what you say is true, then this Uchiha weapon would be impossible to control. The Uchiha are unstable. She would bring disaster sooner or later."
"Tobirama!" Hashirama interrupted. "I think you're just biased because this girl looks like Madara!"
"If you know something, tell him! The Uchiha have been wiped out—we can't just let the clan disappear completely, can we? Letting this girl who resembles Madara see the light of day again, guiding her to integrate into the new world, and continuing the Uchiha glory... what's wrong with that?"
"Brother, snap out of it!" Tobirama yelled, his mouth twitching. "I think you're the one showing favoritism because she looks like Madara!"
Continuing the Uchiha glory? From the mouth of the Senju Clan Leader? Was he under a fucking Genjutsu?
"Alright, both of you, stop arguing," Makoto interrupted, waving his hand dismissively. "If you don't know, you don't know."
"It seems her existence predates the hidden villages, and the information was lost..." Makoto sighed.
Then his face hardened.
"Since that's the case, there's nothing else to say."
"Orochimaru," Makoto pointed at the Hokage. "Take out that consciousness-erasing talisman and place it inside their heads."
"Then, control these two former Hokage to remove their armor."
"Have them perform a pole dance on the Hokage Monument. Make them swing Wood Dragons and Water Dragons around like stripper poles to boost morale for the battle against the Sand."
"NANI?!" Hashirama gasped, clutching his chest.
"Young man! What do you mean by that?!"
"...Hmph." Tobirama narrowed his eyes, chakra flaring.
"What do I mean?" Makoto shrugged. "Of course it's because I feel someone is hiding something."
Just kidding.
If nobody really knew, then how did that future minor villain manage to steal Konoha's intelligence and dig her out? The info is definitely existed.
Someone here knew about it.
"..."
Tobirama remained silent for a long moment as he glared at Makoto.
Then he sighed.
"...I did hear Father mention this matter once," Tobirama admitted reluctantly. "But Father said that the best seal is called 'forget about it.' So not just me... even Father himself didn't know the specific location. It was buried deep."
He didn't want to ruin his reputation, but he really didn't want to pole dance!
"What?" Hashirama looked at his brother in astonishment. "Then why didn't Father tell me? I was the Clan Leader!"
"Tell you?" Tobirama scoffed. "So you could inform Madara? And have their entire clan mobilize to retrieve that weapon? You would have handed her over as a gift!"
"..."
Hashirama pouted.
He has a point.
"Orochimaru," Makoto said coldly. "Continue. Insert the tags."
"I hope you all understand that to counter threats to the Shinobi World, any sacrifice is insignificant."
"What did you sacrifice?" Jiraiya muttered sarcastically from outside. "Your dignity?"
"WAIT!"
Seeing Orochimaru actually taking out the talismans, Sarutobi Hiruzen panicked.
He couldn't let his teachers be humiliated like that!
"I know the location!" Hiruzen shouted. "And I can give you the sealing site!"
"But you must guarantee that this Uchiha will never threaten Konoha again!"
Hiruzen sighed helplessly.
As expected.
It was the Senju and Sarutobi clans who acted back then.
The Senju didn't pass it down... so it must have been the Sarutobi clan's secret.
As the "Professor," Hiruzen knew every skeleton in Konoha's closet.
"What do you mean by 'threaten Konoha again'?" Makoto raised an eyebrow.
"The way you say it... is Konoha only the Senju and Sarutobi's property? She was born during the Warring States period, before the village even existed. She doesn't owe you loyalty."
"Besides," Makoto smirked. "What she probably hates the most is the Uchiha."
Hiruzen looked embarrassed.
He had spoken too hastily.
"Haha! This young man is right, Monkey!" Hashirama laughed heartily.
Released from the threat of pole dancing, he walked up to Makoto.
"Well, after this is over, let's talk alone. I'll teach you some techniques for dealing with the Uchiha. You can then properly guide that Uchiha... uh... little... er... old... er... girl."
"Get lost," Makoto said flatly. "If you knew how to handle the Uchiha, would Madara have left you?"
"..."
Critical Hit!
"Wahhhhh!"
Hashirama collapsed to his knees, covering his head in sorrow.
A dark cloud of depression formed over him.
"Where is the dignity of the God of Shinobi?" Jiraiya muttered, scribbling furiously in his notebook.
'Note to self: Next novel will be a historical drama. Title: "The Wood and the Fire: A Love Story Behind the Waterfall.'
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