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Chapter 25 - Chapter 25 – What Does a Kissing Mountain Look Like? This Mouth?!

Three hours later, the supersonic armor reached the prison holding the Red Guardian, Alexei.

"J.A.R.V.I.S., hack the prison's control system and locate the Red Guardian."

Tony issued the order; J.A.R.V.I.S. swiftly infiltrated the system and froze every surveillance feed.

Jack and Wanda slipped into their prepared outfits and headed straight for Alexei's location.

Along the way, Wanda's Chaos Magic subdued everyone. Alexei, a super-soldier rivaling Captain America, actually resisted Wanda's first wave of mental control.

"Little girl, my head hurts a bit—could you use a little more force? You can go… harder."

Wanda didn't waste words and cranked up her output; the Red Guardian's eyes lost focus.

Jack: "Wanda, you're not going to fry his brain, right?"

Wanda: "No way. His willpower's strong, but not as strong as my husband's."

Wanda perched on Jack's lap, steering her Chaos Magic while flying; the trailing red energy was towing a big, fat man behind them.

Jack heard a thud behind him. "Wanda, don't knock him silly—fly steady. We'll save the fun for when we're home."

Wanda pinched a tiny bit of flesh on Jack's chest; even with his physique, he had no immunity to such precise attacks.

Back above the snowy plain, two suits of armor sandwiched Alexei and flew off with him.

They landed somewhere slightly warmer in the St. Petersburg wilderness.

"A little warmer" meant minus thirty instead of the prison's minus forty. November in Russia—perfectly normal.

Wanda woke Alexei; the armor ejected him and he tumbled into the snow.

The sudden chill snapped Alexei awake; he went into a combat stance, then slumped when he saw the circle of armors around him.

He recognized the American Iron Man from prison TV and assumed the tin can had come to eliminate a Soviet counterpart to Captain America—revenge against the USSR, or ex-USSR, or Russia.

"Western scum, you've won—but I'll still fight to the end. Even if I only dent a few of your tin plates, Alexei will never be a slave!"

Alexei moved fast, grabbing the nearest armor and pounding away; every joint twisted, yet the suit stayed unfazed.

Still, Alexei grinned like a victorious warrior and turned to another empty armor.

Tony face-palmed. "Wanda, did you turn him into an idiot?"

Wanda: "Nope—his mind's perfectly fine."

Jack looked as speechless as Rhodes watching Star-Lord. "Maybe he's just naturally dumb."

"Damn—if he's dumb, what now?" Tony figured the plan had failed and started brainstorming. "Searching a flying base across Europe and Russia could take forever."

Jack: "Relax, I've got the Great Memory-Restore Technique. J.A.R.V.I.S., drop me off."

Seeing an Easterner, Alexei grew even angrier.

"Eastern ally, bought by evil Western capitalists? I'll twist your head off and roll it like a snowball!"

Alexei lunged; his technique was slick, but Jack was a walking stat-stick whose numbers had doubled again this month.

Dozens of tons of strength—what are you gonna do against me? Even Hulk would have to wrestle me now.

All month he'd been scoring crits on Wanda, and the system kept handing him bonus crit chance.

Alexei caught Jack's seemingly wide-open arm, ready for a lock—but what happened next defied belief.

Jack ignored every technique and simply powered through, nullifying every move.

He hauled Alexei in and kneed him—gently, by his standards.

Alexei struggled, but it was like a man versus a semi-truck: the truck never slowed.

Clutching his gut—thankfully padded—Alexei avoided vomiting blood.

"Now sit still and listen. I'm here to rescue Natasha—your foster daughter from Ohio, the Natasha in Natasha-and-Yelena."

"She's been re-captured by the Red Room, so take me to Melina—she knows where it is."

Alexei lay on the snow like a salted fish, grinning wide:

"Natasha's the top Agent, the Red Room's finest Black Widow—and you say the Red Room caught her?"

Jack rolled his eyes. Alexei clearly had no clue how the Red Room trained Natasha.

"Do you even know how the Red Room trains people?"

Alexei kept his mocking smile. "The Red Room is the finest spy school, providing the USSR endless intel—everything it does is for peace."

Jack face-palmed. Alexei had to be brainwashed—until the next line flipped things.

"General Dreykov, my friend, gave me glory—then shipped me off to that boring Ohio op. I could've outshone Captain America, but they stuck me in that dumb sleeper plan."

Alexei ranted: "Then he threw me in prison—maybe because I didn't like his hair, or because I wanted the country better, wanted red flags flying again, wanted everything great."

His voice dropped: "He changed; the country changed. He left me to rot while he ran off."

Jack let him vent, then continued:

"Now take me to Natasha—let's trash Dreykov. One shot: freeze to death here, or lead me to Melina, then save Natasha and Yelena."

"Side note: Natasha's my wife."

Alexei shot upright. "Say what?"

Jack offered a hand. "Answer me: rescue Natasha, or freeze in this wasteland?"

Alexei took the hand; Jack hauled him up.

"That's your ride—gear up fast."

Jack pointed at the armor Alexei had twisted out of shape.

In the end, Alexei squeezed into the suit—arm joints letting in wind, chest gaping, the groin guard missing.

J.A.R.V.I.S. cautioned: "Sir, flying in that condition may cause bodily harm."

Jack waved it off. "He's tough—this is nothing."

"Alexei, navigate."

As Alexei fiddled with the armor, a map of St. Petersburg appeared; he jabbed a spot.

"It should be around here; once we arrive, I can lead the way."

Half an hour later.

"Alexei, can you spot it?" Jack asked.

Tony cut in: "I think a few hundred drones would still get lost here."

The now-sober Alexei scratched his head; thick snow blanketed the ground—beautiful, but the path was impossible to find.

"Let's fly higher. I remember a mined-out pit nearby, plus two little hills that look like they're kissing."

After the three took off, they looked at Alexei still on the ground. "What are you doing?"

Alexei: "You guys go ahead; I'm knocking the ice off my body—it's frozen solid."

Jack grabbed Wanda and went searching for the pit and the kissing hills Alexei mentioned.

Tony left a warning: "Tap gently—if something falls off, you'll be heading to the hospital."

Alexei struck harder, knocking off an ice pipe and casually tossing it aside. "Honey, I found those kissing hills."

Wanda's armor camera locked onto a pair of hills mid-kiss; the image transmitted to the others.

Tony: "A world wonder—look at that smooch."

Jack: "Nature's craftsmanship—should be a scenic spot, a must-see for fans of the 'biting' technique."

Alexei burst out laughing. "Aha, found it! Fly two kilometers north—we're almost there."

Soon, the group landed beside a snow-covered cabin.

Alexei swaggered inside. "Melina?"

Melina hadn't expected anyone; none of her alarms had triggered.

Seeing Alexei, she relaxed—only for her heart to leap the next second.

Behind Alexei were several steel armors.

"Alexei, when did you start hanging out with those American bastards?"

Alexei clarified: "No, I'm just cooperating with them. We're going to the Red Room to rescue Natasha—this is Natasha's husband."

Melina looked at him like he was an idiot. "What joke is this? When did Natasha ever get married? I never heard of it."

Alexei swore earnestly: "I've seen photos of this kid with Natasha—absolutely no mistake."

Melina rubbed her forehead: "You fool, you've been duped—they're here to capture Natasha."

Alexei didn't doubt her for a second; he instantly struck, ramming Jack's armor out of the room.

"Melina, run—I'll hold them off."

Melina spun to flee when Jack's voice rang out through amplification:

"Natasha, your husband's just been beaten up by your dad. If you don't come out, when we get back I'll become your dad and spank you."

"Alexei, stop!"

Natasha's voice came from inside the room, but Alexei hadn't been with her since childhood—how could he recognize it?

Only when Melina ordered, "Alexei! Stop," did he tilt his head at the woman standing with her—he knew this was Natasha.

"Oh~ little Natasha, I've missed you so much. Why the long face? Aren't you happy to see Dad?"

Natasha slapped his hand away. "No father abandons his daughters and sends them to the Red Room."

Alexei protested: "Hey, the Red Room made you the finest Agent—assassination, infiltration—you're the perfect Black Widow."

Natasha walked over to Jack, who stepped out of his armor.

"Dear wife, didn't you tell your mom about me? Is your husband that shameful?"

Natasha gently punched his chest. "Only in monogamy is there a 'wife'—and you have more than just me."

Melina and Alexei were stunned. Did they hear correctly? Their daughter was the junior wife?

Alexei stepped up to pull them apart, but Natasha pushed him away.

"Don't interfere in our affairs. I can't have children, so I allow my man to have others besides me."

Alexei couldn't believe it; he looked to Melina, who said nothing—she also couldn't have children and hadn't sought another man.

Alexei stood at a loss. "Natasha, you can't do this—he's a playboy. The girl beside him is a mistress; you can't live with someone like that."

Natasha hadn't reached the stable mindset she'd have after the Civil War; she couldn't stay calm facing the father who'd abandoned her and her sister.

Wanda said nothing—if her own father knew she was following such a two-timing husband, he'd probably react the same way.

Natasha's face was icy. "Who I live with is none of your business—just like the suffering I endured in the Red Room was none of yours."

Alexei ignored her tone. "Natasha, I know you hate me, but it's precisely because of that hatred that you became the perfect Black Widow."

Natasha wiped her tears, voice nasal. "Yeah, the perfect Agent—but not a perfect person. I lost my ability to have children there."

"Do you know? Back then Yelena and I were wheeled into the operating room together, holding hands. Afterwards, we watched a video of our organs being removed."

Alexei looked to Melina. "Melina, is… is this true?"

Melina didn't answer, but her averted gaze said it all.

Tony shuddered. "Ahem, Jack, we've found Natasha—does that count as mission complete?"

Jack: "Right now the Red Room is full of children forced into training. If you can stand by, you're free to leave—Wanda and I can handle the Red Room."

Tony said nothing, opened his visor, and sat in another empty armor.

"Remember to call me when we set off—I'm a bit sleepy."

Jack rapped on Wanda's visor; J.A.R.V.I.S. released her from the armor.

"Babe, you take Natasha downstairs—I have something to discuss with Melina."

Alexei tried to speak, but Melina pinched his lips, turning them into a crow's beak.

Alexei glared, yet Melina ignored him, leading Jack into the outer room.

Alexei had a complicated attitude toward this woman who'd pretended to be his wife for three years—perhaps the very definition of a simp: both afraid and infatuated.

Jack followed this aunt-like Melina. Unlike the movie version, this Melina looked only in her thirties; if not for her mature aura and Alexei calling her name, Jack would have mistaken her for another Red Room Widow.

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