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Su Ah's POV:
The first drinks came. Light stuff. Water. Cola, a drink she rarely indulged in. Some snacks. The glasses fizzed with the ice, drops trickling down their sides and condensing over the surface of the table.
Su Ah sipped. Set the glass down. Waited. Stared at the half-ring the bottom of it had already left behind on the wood.
And Jae-il stayed quiet, eyes down, seemingly lost in thought. He'd been like that for a bit. Conversation didn't flow like she expected. Jae-il had spoken more to the waitress who took their orders than to her—his older sister.
Su Ah felt a bitter smile work itself across her lips. "Am I that boring, Jae-il?"
He turned his eyes up, finally meeting hers. His face briefly twisted into a frown.
"What? No, why would you say that?"
"Look. Look at you." She grabbed the glass. The ice cubes swirled. She motioned at him with her free hand. "You look at me like you've got better things to do. And, well, to be fair I did kind of strong-arm you to be here. Sorry." Her bangs fell a little over her eyes. "I just wanted to see you. For whatever reason. But here I am, coming on too strongly, making a nuisance of myself while all you probably want to do is to go back to the dorms, grab a drink, and watch some game highlights."
"Noona."
She stared at him.
He stared right back, expressionlessly. "Are you an idiot?"
"Oh." The hand she had raised to make a point flopped to the table. "Ah. That's rude."
"Don't take this wrong."
"Like hell I won't, what kind of statement was that?"
"Noona, I'd always make time for you."
"Then—"
"Semis are coming up, remember? Just a lot of stuff on my plate." His expression never changed, though she heard a thin thread of exasperation. "And I could never say no to my precious Noona, whether we have little things to catch up on or we simply just want to spend more time together." He leaned forward in his chair. "Understood?"
He rested a forearm on the edge of the table and brought the cola glass close with the other hand, drinking without looking at her.
Silence reigned.
Jae-il had a steady stare and gaze, she'd give him that. And Su Ah felt the palpitation of her heart and pulse spike a notch. She genuinely thought she was being a nuisance, and to hear him reassure her that it was, indeed, not the case meant a lot.
But she wanted him.
And here, it didn't seem like he wanted her. Not in the way she wanted him. It was her dream. It was her imagination. The thought of Jae-il lusting after her was stupid. The act in itself was stupid. Why should she expect the glorious, golden boy and national rising star to have impure thoughts about his own sister? The sole object of her sickening attraction was a fleeting illusion her mind, her body, her loins made up.
That was not happening.
Then, why was it that with Mia, he was different. Softer? Sweeter, almost. More attentive? Definitely. Almost always, and rather unabashedly so.
The love was the same, at a surface-level. She knew she was loved, that he cared.
But Su Ah could distinguish the favoritism, the subtle glances, the silly looks, the goofy smiles. The way her Unnie clung to him, blushed, giggled around him, the same way he teased her, grinned, ruffled her hair. They were like kids, albeit pretty fucking big and hot ones.
For example, take Jae-il right now. Had it been Mia, sitting where Su Ah sat now, Jae-il's entire body language would've shifted, and everything he did, everything he said, everything he planned, would've been centered around her and only her.
He'd forget about his schedule, the practice, everything. It was obvious. Perhaps not to their parents, who were going through their own marital struggles, but surely to Su Ah, it was crystal clear.
Did she hate him for that? Was jealousy rearing its ugly head and biting her whenever her dear Unnie got Jae-il's undivided attention? She couldn't help the rush of heat, anger, and annoyance.
She really wanted to yell 'stop stealing my brother'.
But he wasn't hers, was he? She couldn't just demand things. That'd be unfair.
Jae-il was not a toy both sisters could fight for. He wasn't their childhood property, wasn't the subject of some imaginary competition where the victor wins him over. It wasn't a coin toss that determines whose turn to play with the newest toy was.
He was Jae-il, a human being, and a sibling that Su Ah had a certain, unhealthy obsession over.
But Mia was loved more. That was the whole crux of the problem. If Mia had been there, Jae-il would've been smiling more. Would've been laughing more. Maybe they'd have sat closer.
Maybe she should take a page from Mia's book. Being broody and gloomy and locked up in her room like some sort of vampire certainly didn't paint a good image.
"Noona... are you okay?"
"Huh?"
Su Ah blinked, pulling back to reality. "Yeah." She muttered, the word scraping out like it had thorns. "I'm fine. Just... thinking."
Her voice sounded small even to her own ears.
Jae-il didn't look convinced. His violet eyes narrowed a fraction. "You sure?" He asked, softer this time. She wondered if a tiny part of her younger brother knew what kind of inner demons were tempting her. He tilted his head, studying her face like he studied the goalkeeper before taking a penalty. "You look... I don't know. Tired? Sad?"
Tired. Sad.
If only.
If only she could tell him the truth—that she wasn't tired or sad. She was starving.
That every second she spent pretending to be his ordinary Noona chipped another piece of her away and let it fall into the abyss. That the longer she stared at his mouth, the more the room seemed to dim, even though the lights hadn't changed at all.
She laughed. The sound was brittle.
"Stop that. That look you have when you go into your over-thinking mode." Su Ah raised her voice a pitch. "I'm okay, Jae-il. I'll be okay."
Jae-il drank the remainder of his drink. Then placed the glass down with a thunk.
A shadow flicked over his features.
His brows drew together. He stared into the bottom of his empty glass. He glanced at Su Ah. Stared at her lips. Or perhaps she imagined that part. But his focus quickly settled there, then his gaze slowly climbed up to her eyes and stayed there for a few seconds.
The scrutiny of that dark gaze made her forget, for just that one second, every single worry and insecurity in her head.
When his eyes lifted and caught hers again, Su Ah knew a part of herself had shattered.
Her knees went wobbly.
"Why..." Jae-il sighed, his hands flattening to the table, the lines of his palms flexing. Su Ah's eyes traced the veins on his hands before looking up to his face. "... you don't trust me, Noona? Not reliable enough for you?"
Trust? Did he even comprehend what that word entails when it came to her ordeal?
What she wanted to do.
He didn't know the full story, no.
So maybe this wasn't his fault.
"Of course, Jae-il." Su Ah mumbled, licking her lips. Her own gaze lowered. "It's nothing of the sort..."
She had never felt so conflicted in her life. Never.
"Then look at me, will you?" He said, his fingers tapping the wooden table. The tips of them were drumming like the seconds on a clock. He raised his other arm; the one he previously rested on the table, his palm open in front of her. A hand. Reaching for hers. "Look at me."
Slowly, with hesitation, Su Ah placed her hand on his, a little trembling. As she did, her gaze climbed to his face, only to meet Jae-il's penetrating, unwavering violet irises.
'This is a terrible idea.'
"Everything's fine." He murmured. "I'd never judge you, Noona. If you're going..." A weird, guarded shadow flickered across his eyes. "If you're going through anything difficult. Whether you have to hide a corpse, stab someone, blow something up, burn a house down. Anything, whatever."
Her hand trembled more in his grip.
Her jaw tightened.
She looked into his eyes.
They stared right back.
"I'll never judge you. Whatever you need, I'll provide. Whatever you want, I'll do it. I'll ask some questions beforehand, but..."
'Holy... shit.' She swore in her mind, nearly crumbling under his words.
"I'll still do it."
The bar noise faded into a dull, underwater hum. There was only the heat of his palm, the slow drag of his thumb across her knuckles, and those violet eyes that suddenly looked too old for his face.
"That's what brothers do, Noona. I'll be there for you. I can handle things you think are not supposed to be my responsibility."
And somehow, for a second, Su Ah wasn't sure if she was reading this situation correctly. This little thing Jae-il was suggesting, his unintended subliminal offer, was exactly what she'd been dreaming of lately, to an obscene degree.
Did he understand how this was sending mixed messages to her?
Of course, of course. Su Ah knew that there was a degree of deliberate exaggeration in his suggestion. But a part of her, deep, deep inside of her, saw through her little brother's veiled offer and welcomed it, no matter the cost, no matter the consequences.
Because she could see something in his eyes, something beyond the initial concern and sweetness he portrayed.
What it was, however, Su Ah didn't know, and honestly didn't care in the first place.
She was growing reckless, but didn't mind getting into a trouble-spiral if, for one moment, she could feel what true love was like.
If, for one moment, she'd feel alive and like an adult. A person that deserved a bit of a luxury.
Su Ah began smiling, squeezing Jae-il's hand harder, silently cursing herself in the process.
It hurt, a little.
But it felt good.
Something inside of her was urging her to look the monster in the eyes and confess the sins.
It was decided then; she'd truly become an insane creature with no sense of restraint.
"You know..." Su Ah whispered. Jae-il raised a brow, tilting his head ever so slightly as she did. "For all that confidence, you're quite an idiot sometimes. You know that?"
He snorted, amused.
"Hey, Jae-il."
His eyes widened slightly as she gave him a guarded, but secretive smile.
"I kind of lied before."
"..."
He stared at her, blinking.
They were still holding hands.
"Actually, my writing is not going well. At all." She licked her lips, softly squeezing his hand. "I might need, ah, some help? If you're okay with that, of course. But I'm really struggling here."