Two years crawled by as slowly as a snail moving across a razor blade.
Thomas's high school days ended not with pride, but with a long sigh of relief. When Bobby and his gang graduated a year earlier, the physical terror at school did stop. No more extortion, no more being shoved into ditches, and no more trampled uniforms.
However, the disappearance of physical pain only gave room for another kind of pain to flourish: guilt.
Without external distractions, Thomas's mind became a torturous echo chamber. Every time he saw a kid running on the field, he remembered Dimas and his withered legs. Every time he saw someone solving math problems, he remembered how he used to use his intelligence to spit on others' dignity. Thomas graduated high school not as a star, but as a shadow.
On his graduation report card, he was ranked 9th. Not the glorified 1st rank, nor the bottom. He deliberately held back. He did just enough on the exams. He was afraid that if he shone too brightly, the monster side of him would wake up again. His father, of course, complained, comparing him to his colleague's child who was the general champion, but those complaints went in one ear and out the other. To Thomas, his father's validation was no longer valuable.
The only thing he wanted was to run. This city was choking him. Every street corner, every school building, even the air he breathed felt poisonous because it held memories of his sins. He had to go to a place where no one knew "Thomas the Evil Genius" or "Thomas the Coward."
That night, at the quiet dinner table, Thomas dropped the bombshell.
"Dad, Mom," Thomas put down his spoon. His voice was flat, but his eyes were sharp and calculating. "I want to go to college in Jakarta."
The clinking of spoons against plates ceased. Dad stared at him with raised eyebrows, while Mom looked shocked.
"Jakarta?" Dad snorted softly, taking another spoonful of rice. "Why go so far? The university in our city is good enough. It saves money. Plus, you can keep living at home."
"The university here is ten years behind in quality, Dad," Thomas answered calmly. He knew exactly which buttons to push to sway his father: prestige and the future. "I'm aiming for Universitas Indonesia. It's the number one university in the country. If I graduate from there, multinational companies will line up to hire me. The salary could be ten times the minimum wage in this city."
Thomas was lying. He didn't care about the salary or multinational companies. He just needed an irrefutable logical excuse to escape as far away as possible.
Dad fell silent. Thomas saw a glint of ambition in those old eyes. Having a son studying at UI was excellent bragging material for his colleagues. It was a gleaming trophy.
"Good idea," Dad mumbled, his tone beginning to soften. However, reality soon hit. His face clouded over again. "But the problem is money, Thomas. You know our situation. We're barely scraping by just for daily meals."
"I've calculated everything, Dad. In detail," Thomas cut in quickly, playing his ace. "Tuition fees there are around IDR 2 million per semester."
"IDR 2 million?" Mom's voice squeaked, her face paling. "Where are we going to get that kind of money every six months?"
"Listen first, Mom. I'm going to apply for a scholarship for underprivileged families," Thomas explained convincingly, as if the scholarship were already in his hands. "The subsidy provided is IDR 1 million every six months. So, the burden on Dad is only the remaining IDR 1 million per semester. I can cover the difference with my own savings."
Dad seemed to be thinking hard, crunching numbers in his head. "IDR 1 million per semester... that's still reasonable. But the cost of living in Jakarta is crazy, Thomas. That scholarship doesn't cover your food and boarding, does it?"
"I can earn my own money for living expenses, so Dad just needs to send the monthly rent," Thomas answered, having anticipated this argument. "I have experience teaching private math tutoring here. In Jakarta, the pay is bound to be higher."
"Finding students in a strange city isn't easy, son," Mom interrupted, still sounding worried. "If you don't get any students, how will you eat?"
"I can do any job," Thomas urged. His brain raced, looking for a more immediate solution. "Wait tables, wash dishes, anything."
"That will interfere with your studies. Dad doesn't want you becoming a manual laborer there," Dad replied, his pride showing.
"In that case... a motorcycle taxi driver (Ojek)," said Thomas. "I heard many college students there moonlight as drivers. The hours are flexible; I can pick up passengers or deliver food between classes. It's daily cash. Enough for food and daily college needs."
Dad and Mom looked at each other. The scheme—scholarship, low tuition, and a side job—was starting to sound plausible.
"That... sounds realistic," Dad nodded slowly. "But, Thomas... where are we going to get the bike for you to use?"
Silence enveloped the dinner table. Thomas fell silent. He didn't have an answer for that. His savings from tutoring were only enough for the boat ticket and living costs for the first week. His perfect scheme was crumbling over the issue of a vehicle.
Suddenly, the sound of a spoon being set down broke the silence.
"If there's no bike, just buy one," Eben blurted out, his mouth full of rice.
All eyes turned to Eben. The young man stared back with his round, innocent eyes, as if the solution he offered were as simple as buying candy.
"The problem is we don't have the cash, Eben," Mom explained patiently, as if speaking to a small child.
"Eben is actually right," Dad mumbled suddenly, his gaze distant. His ambition to have a son studying at UI was now supported by reasonable financial calculations. "We can buy a used bike. On credit."
"Dad? How will we pay the installments?" Mom began to panic, thinking of the electricity bills that were often overdue. "Thomas will just be starting work there; he might not make money immediately."
"I can help pay the installments," Eben's voice was heard again.
Thomas turned, looking at his older brother with an unreadable gaze.
"I'm already working washing dishes at that Padang restaurant," Eben continued, smiling proudly. "The pay is actually decent. I rarely buy snacks. It can all go towards buying Thomas a bike. Later, if there's any left over, it can go towards Thomas' IDR 1 million tuition savings."
The dining room fell silent.
Thomas stared at Eben. There was a bitter taste of irony on his tongue. The brother he had always considered a disgrace, the brother he snapped at for 'being a nuisance', was now offering the entire fruit of his labor for Thomas's sake.
Was Thomas moved? No. His heart was already too cold. Did Thomas feel guilty about using Eben's money? A little. But would he refuse it? Of course not.
For Thomas right now, Eben was merely a means to an end. A stepping stone. If Eben's money could get him out of this hellhole of a city, then he would take it without hesitation.
"No need, Ben. Keep your money for household needs," Mom said gently.
"No, Mom," Dad cut in firmly. He had made his decision. This opportunity to show off could not be missed, especially since the cost turned out to be affordable with Eben's help. "That's a good idea. We'll all pitch in. Dad will seek a loan from Uncle for the bike's down payment and Thomas's initial costs for Jakarta. Eben will help with the monthly bike installments. Thomas will earn money in Jakarta to live and cover the rest of the tuition, so every month we only need to send rent money. Agreed?"
Mom could only sigh in resignation, accustomed to being outvoted.
"Agreed," Thomas answered quickly, before anyone could change their mind.
***
The next month was a brutal academic struggle. Thomas locked himself in his room, devouring all the university entrance exam practice books. He studied not for the love of knowledge, but out of fear. Fear that not passing meant he had to stay in this city, and that was a nightmare scarier than death.
The announcement day arrived.
The morning newspaper was spread on the living room table. Thomas traced the small columns containing thousands of names with a trembling index finger.
His heart raced. His eyes scanned rows of numbers and letters until they stopped at one line.
Thomas Adijaya - Accepted.
"This is my name," whispered Thomas, his voice choked. He let out a harsh breath, his shoulders sagging limply. It wasn't explosive joy, but an immense relief as if he had just squeezed through the eye of a needle. "I passed. I was accepted."
"Where? Where?!" Dad snatched the newspaper roughly, his eyes widening searching for his son's name.
The next second, Dad cheered. "Hah! It's true! Got into UI! My son got into UI!"
Dad jumped up until his wooden chair squeaked loudly. Without wasting a single second, he grabbed his old phone on the table. His thumbs danced nimbly finding contacts, his face reddening with exploding euphoria. His spirit was not that of a father proud of his son, but the spirit of a gambler who just won the lottery and wanted to show off to the world.
"Hello? Brother?" Dad's voice boomed, filling the narrow living room. "Yes, this is Thomas's dad! You know what? Thomas broke into UI! Yes, the University of Indonesia in Jakarta! The number one campus! Great, right? Whose superior genes is it, after all!"
Thomas sat silently, watching his father busy spreading the news to the whole family via telephone. His gaze was empty. He felt like merchandise being promoted by a marketing salesman.
He then turned to his mother. The woman smiled thinly, but her eyes couldn't lie. Behind that smile, Thomas saw a walking calculator; calculating Uncle's debt, boarding costs, and food money that had to be found from who knows where else.
Thomas knew, if his mother panicked, his departure plan could be cancelled. He had to dampen that fear. Not for his mother, but for his exit ticket.
"Mom, you don't need to worry," Thomas said quietly but firmly, cutting his mother's daydream. "I will earn my own money there. I won't ask for more than what Mom can afford."
His mother looked at Thomas, there was a bit of relief there, though the anxiety didn't completely disappear. "Yes, Thomas... Mom trusts you. But remember, your main goal there is to study. Don't let work disturb your college."
"Understood, Mom."
"Wah! Cool! So cool, Thomas!"
Suddenly a hard pat landed on Thomas's back. Eben stood beside him, laughing widely until his eyes squinted. His face beamed sincerely, without a shred of envy, as if he was the one who had just been accepted into that prestigious university.
"Eben's little brother is indeed smart!" exclaimed Eben proudly.
Thomas only turned his head. "Hmm. Thanks, Ben."
That was all. No brotherly hug. Thomas couldn't feel the warmth of this family. Dad's cheers sounded noisy in his ears, Mom's worries felt burdensome, and Eben's sincerity felt naive and stupid.
Thomas's mind was no longer in that room. His soul had drifted far across the Java Sea, imagining a new life without the shadows of past sins.
***
The harbor that day was crowded and smelled of the sea mixed with diesel.
His entire family was present to see him off, without exception. Behind this moment lay the reality that they had been forced to seek loans from various parties. Yet now, the combined funds from Uncle's loan and personal savings were finally in hand; enough to cover the first month's rent, daily living expenses, the first semester's tuition, and the capital to buy a used motorbike later.
On the pier, before Thomas climbed the ship's stairs, Dad gripped his shoulder.
"Study properly there," said Dad firmly. "Don't embarrass Dad. Show them that you can succeed. Don't waste the money we've struggled to find."
"Yes, Dad," answered Thomas automatically.
Mom held his shoulder with one hand. "Take care of yourself, Son. Study hard and be thrifty with the money."
"Yes, Mom." Thomas released the hug quickly.
"Keep up the spirit, Thomas!" exclaimed Eben while giving a thumbs up, his smile never fading. "Don't worry about the motorcycle installments! Eben will take care of it! Thomas just study hard!"
Thomas looked at Eben for a moment. "Okay, Ben," he answered briefly.
Thomas turned around, shouldering his large backpack, and stepped up onto the ship's deck without looking back.
He walked to the ship's railing, looking down where his family was still standing waving their hands. Dad with his proud face, Mom with her anxiety, and Eben with his sincerity.
Slowly, the ship began to sound a long, ear-piercing horn. The vibration of the engine was felt beneath Thomas's feet. The ship moved away, cutting through the murky sea water.
Thomas saw his family's silhouettes getting smaller and smaller, until finally becoming meaningless dots in the distance. Then, he turned his gaze toward the city that was slowly drifting away.
That was where Dimas was. That was where his hell school stood. That was where the silent witness of his crimes remained.
Thomas shed no tears of farewell. There was no sadness leaving his parents or his brother who had sacrificed everything.
He took a deep breath, inhaling the salty and free sea air.
"Goodbye," he whispered coldly to his hometown.