The Imperial Treasury was a large, echoey room. Currently, it contained three things:
A spider web.
A single copper coin.
Boss Pang, who was weeping into a handkerchief.
"We are ruined!" Pang wailed, his voice bouncing off the empty gold-plated walls. "The war cost everything! The tank ammo alone was a fortune! We can't even afford the good tea anymore!"
Jiang Fan sat on a wooden crate, eating a generic brand of dried squid. He chewed thoughtfully.
"Generic squid," Jiang Fan muttered. "It tastes like rubber and sadness. This is unacceptable."
Empress Zhao Ling sat in her wheelchair next to him. She was wearing her 'Working Robes'—practical silk that didn't catch in the wheels.
"We have assets," the Empress said, looking at the ledger on her lap. "We have the Palace. We have the Mines (which are currently flooded). And we have... a reputation."
"Reputation doesn't buy squid," Jiang Fan countered.
"It does," Boss Pang stopped crying. He looked up, his merchant eyes gleaming with a terrifying light. "If we sell it."
He stood up, smoothing his suit.
"The people are curious. They want to see the 'Iron Phoenix' and the 'Lazy King'. They treat you like myths."
Pang grinned.
"Let's charge admission."
THE GRAND OPENING
Two days later, the Imperial Palace—once the forbidden seat of absolute power—opened its gates.
A ticket booth was manned by Yun Xi, who looked ready to bludgeon anyone who tried to haggle.
[ Ticket Prices ]
General Admission: 5 Silver.
Tank Ride: 50 Silver.
Premium 'Nap Experience': 100 Silver.
The line stretched for three miles.
THE ATTRACTIONS
In the East Courtyard, Gu Ling had set up a booth.
"Step right up," Gu Ling said in a monotone voice, holding a wrench. "Buy the 'Lazy Cultivator 3000'. It meditates for you. It also toasts bread. Do not ask me how."
Behind her, Su Qing was selling vials of "Eau de Victory" (which smelled like gunpowder and lavender). Nobles were fighting each other to buy them.
But the main attraction was in the Royal Gardens.
A massive track had been dug in the dirt. The War-Lotus Mark II sat idling, its engine rumbling.
Empress Zhao Ling sat in the cockpit. She wasn't wearing a crown. She was wearing aviator goggles and a headset.
"Step up!" she shouted over the engine. "Who wants to crush a car?"
A group of wealthy merchants raised their hands, screaming, "ME! ME!"
"Buckle up," the Empress grinned.
She slammed the throttle. The tank surged forward, treads tearing up the mud. She drove them over a pile of scrap metal (formerly the Emperor's statues), spinning the turret and firing blank rounds that exploded in colorful smoke.
The passengers screamed in delight.
For the Empress, it was exhausting. The vibrations rattled her spine. The constant turning triggered her vertigo. But every time she crushed something, the crowd cheered. They didn't see a cripple. They saw a Warlord.
THE MAIN EVENT
In the center of the Throne Room, a velvet rope cordoned off the Dragon Throne.
On the throne sat Jiang Fan.
He was asleep. Fast asleep.
A crowd of tourists whispered reverently behind the rope.
"Look at him," a woman whispered. "He hasn't moved for three hours."
"He is communing with the Dao of Stillness," a cultivator noted, taking notes. "See the drool? That is the physical manifestation of his spirit energy overflowing."
"Meow," Snack (the Void-Eater) added, sleeping on Jiang Fan's head.
"The Divine Beast speaks!" the crowd gasped.
Boss Pang walked through the crowd with a collection box.
"Donations for the Sleeping Saint! Silence ensures good fortune! Noise ensures the Maid throws you out the window!"
The coins rained in.
THE INTERMISSION
At 2:00 PM, a bell rang.
"Lunch break!" Yun Xi shouted, slamming the palace doors shut. "Get out! No refunds!"
The palace emptied.
In the garden, the War-Lotus powered down.
"Jiang Fan," the Empress's voice came over the comms. It was weak. "I'm stuck."
Jiang Fan, who had woken up the moment the coins stopped falling, walked out to the garden. He climbed up the side of the tank.
The Empress was slumped in the pilot's seat. Her face was pale, sweat dripping down her neck.
"My hips," she whispered, her eyes squeezed shut. "The vibration... I think I triggered a spasm that won't stop."
Jiang Fan looked down. Her legs were strapped in, but they were trembling violently against the restraints.
"Okay, shift change," Jiang Fan said softly.
He unbuckled her. As the straps released, her body listed to the side, completely spent. She had zero core strength left.
He lifted her out.
Usually, she tried to help—wrapping her arms around him, holding her head up. Today, she was dead weight. She just fell into him, burying her face in his chest.
"I feel like a ragdoll," she mumbled into his shirt.
"You're a profitable ragdoll," Jiang Fan said, carrying her toward the shade of a large oak tree away from the prying eyes of the staff.
He laid her down on the grass.
"We need to relieve the pressure," he said, purely clinical.
He adjusted her position so she was lying on her side, taking the weight off her sacrum and hips. He began to massage her lower back, his hands strong and rhythmic.
"Is that okay?"
"Yeah," she breathed, the tension slowly leaving her shoulders. "I hate this body sometimes. I command an Empire, but I can't sit in a chair for four hours without falling apart."
"You're driving a tank, Ling. It's not exactly ergonomic."
He moved his hands down to her legs, pressing on her quads to stop the trembling.
"We made ten thousand silver today," she said, watching the leaves rustle above them. "Is it enough to buy the good squid?"
"Almost," Jiang Fan smiled. "Maybe one more day of tank rides."
She laughed, but it turned into a wince.
"Jiang Fan?"
"Yeah?"
"I need the bathroom. And I can't feel if I... need to go."
It was the reality of her life now. The schedule. The uncertainty. The fear of an accident in front of her subjects.
"I tracked the time," Jiang Fan checked his pocket watch. "It's been four hours. We're on schedule. Let's go."
He picked her up again. She hid her face in his neck, grateful that she didn't have to ask twice. Grateful that he tracked her bladder schedule better than she did.
THE HOSTILE TAKEOVER
By 4:00 PM, the Empress was refreshed, fed, and seated in her indoor wheelchair. The gates were about to reopen.
Suddenly, a horn blew.
A convoy of golden carriages rolled into the courtyard, bypassing the ticket booth.
"Hey!" Yun Xi yelled, brandishing her mace. "Ticket price is 5 silver!"
The lead carriage stopped. A man stepped out. He was round, wore rings on every finger, and smelled of expensive oil.
Merchant Wang, Head of the Golden Coin Guild.
"Cute," Wang sneered, looking at the 'Ticket Booth'. "Turning the Imperial Palace into a circus. How far the mighty have fallen."
He walked into the Main Hall, ignoring Yun Xi.
Jiang Fan was back on the throne (trying to sleep). The Empress rolled her wheelchair forward to intercept Wang.
"You are trespassing," the Empress said coldly.
"I am collecting," Wang smiled. He pulled out a scroll. "The previous Emperor took out a loan to build that fancy Ancestral Array. A loan from my guild."
He unrolled the scroll. It hit the floor and kept rolling.
"With interest... you owe us fifty million gold. Or, we foreclose on the Palace."
The Empress went pale. "Fifty million? The treasury is empty!"
"Then I'll take the assets," Wang looked around greedily. "I'll take the tank. I'll take the airship. And..." He looked at the Empress. "I'll take the throne."
Jiang Fan opened his eyes.
He stood up. He walked down the steps of the throne. He stopped in front of Merchant Wang.
"You want the throne?" Jiang Fan asked.
"It is my right as the creditor!"
"Okay." Jiang Fan turned to the Empress. "Ling, give him the chair."
"What?" The Empress blinked.
"The throne. He wants it. Let him sit in it."
Jiang Fan grabbed Wang by the collar and dragged him up the stairs. He shoved the fat merchant onto the Dragon Throne.
"There. You are the Emperor now. Congratulations."
Wang blinked, confused but delighted. "I... I accept! I am the Emperor!"
"Great," Jiang Fan said. "System. Transfer Title."
[ Title Transferred: Emperor Wang. ] [ Inherited Debts: ]
Azure Tide Tribute: 20 Million.
Palace Maintenance: 5 Million.
Outstanding Warrant from the Northern Wolf Clan: Death.
Suddenly, the doors burst open.
General Boru (who had recovered from his broken nose and was very angry) marched in with a squad of wolf-assassins.
"WE ARE HERE FOR THE EMPEROR'S HEAD!" Boru roared.
Jiang Fan pointed at Merchant Wang sitting on the throne.
"That's him. The guy in the hat."
Wang's eyes bulged. "Wait! No! I resign!"
"No take-backs," Jiang Fan grabbed the handles of the Empress's wheelchair. "Run."
THE ESCAPE (AGAIN)
Jiang Fan pushed the Empress at sprinting speed. Yun Xi grabbed Su Qing. Gu Ling activated her turbo-boosters.
They ran out the back door, jumped onto the Sky-Whale Airship, and took off just as the Wolf Clan tackled Merchant Wang.
"My money!" Wang screamed as he was dogpiled by barbarians.
High in the sky, the Empress started laughing. She laughed until she cried, clutching her stomach.
"You gave him the debt!" she gasped. "You literally gave him the crown just to give him the bills!"
"Economic warfare," Jiang Fan shrugged, settling back into the pilot's chair (which was actually a beanbag). "Now, we have no debt, no palace, and no job."
"We're homeless again," Gu Ling noted.
"We aren't homeless," Jiang Fan patted the armrest of the Empress's wheelchair. "Home is wherever the pillow is. And you guys are decent pillows."
The Empress wheeled herself over to him. She couldn't feel her legs, but her heart felt lighter than it had in years.
"So," she smiled. "Where to next, Lazy King?"
Jiang Fan pulled a brochure from his pocket.
"I heard the Floating Islands of the West have hot springs that cure back pain."
He looked at her.
"Ready for a vacation?"
"Only if you carry me," she whispered.
"Always."