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On the way back, Tadeus looks out the window, trying to see something among the shadows of the trees, until he sees the bare field by the road. — Where are we?
— We're home — he says, parking the car in front of the mud-brick house with a red-tiled roof. — Let me help you — he says, opening the passenger door.
— This isn't our house; we've never been here.
— You have — he says, taking hold of Tadeus' left wrist so he can rest his arm on the shoulders, and gripping his waist to help him out of the car.
— Where is…?
— Who? — he asks with a smile.
— … — he gestures, though he can't hear his own voice saying that name.
— I think you need to rest.
He nods, trying to look him in the eyes, trying to remember what his face looks like. Then he takes a step toward the house, losing the support of the hands holding him and stumbling in the sand. The cool breeze, scented with the sea, causes a slight tingling in the pit of his stomach. When he looks toward the house, it is no longer; what it is, is a cliff, and what there is, is a beach where he watches him run toward the water just like that time. He feels the moisture on his lips, in contrast to the thirst he feels in his heart. "What does the heart drink? What kind of thirst can it feel?" "I don't know" he answers without speaking. He reaches him when the water touches his navel, and he kisses him, his chin, his cheeks, his cheekbones, his closed eyelids that aren't; what they are, are his lips; yes, they are his hands sliding up his back under his shirt; yes, they are his fingers making their way up his abdomen until they rip open the scar on his chest, where he can protect his heart with those hands. "Don't leave me" says him, who is. Tadeus can clearly see the brown of his iris, his long eyelashes, though the mole under his lower right eyelid isn't there. "It's okay, you can hurt me again."
— What? — asks Tadeus with a gun in his left hand, but when he spreads his fingers, he can't let go of it. He pulls his hand away from his heart to guide his wrist, aiming the gun at his other heart. — I don't want to do this.
— I know, you don't need to remind me.
— Alexander, stop! — he pleads as Alexander's thumb is about to press his index finger against the trigger. The bang transforms who wasn't into white petals like doves flying away, followed by silence, a void in his open chest, and the sight of blood diluting in the water with his own eyes. His gaze also follows to his empty hands, clean hands. Hands that search his chest without being able to stain themselves with blood. — Alexander, Alexander, where are you! — He looks around, becoming one with the water that suddenly embraces him with aggressive waves. — Is that you, Alexander? Alexander, me too! — He submerges his hands, trying to grasp the hands he thinks he sees —Me too, Alexander! — his voice gets lost between the depths.
"How beautiful" he says with the hands on his innocent arm, a voice that is an echo, a thought. The beats of his exposed heart reverberate as a kiss restores Tadeus' breath — I could lose myself in your eyes.
— No, let's get out of here.
— Why don't you want me to see this?
— There's nothing to see here, it's just water.
— Are you sure? — He points to the surface where the silhouette of a woman standing in the shallow with her eyes fixed towards the depths. — What is that?
— I don't know. — says Tadeus refusing to focus his eyes toward the woman's anguish.
— Why are you here? Do you want to tell me?
— I want to leave.
— That's not an answer.
— I love you too, Alexander.
— Prove it to me — he says, sliding his hands down to his neck, where he begins to press harder as the sea tosses them back and forth. Tadeus rips his shirt open from the center outward, then his chest, as if he already knew there was a crack through which he could slide his fingers to grasp his heart with both hands, a heart that isn't, a heart that is a blazing fire amid the waves of tears that are drowning them both.
— My love, LOVE! — Tadeus opens his eyes in the darkness next to a silhouette — Breathe, you're awake — he says, placing his hand on Tadeus' chest — You're drenched in sweat.
— Alex, honey? — he asks, trying to catch his breath. He manages to see the room thanks to the faint light filtering through the curtains.
— I'm here, my love — he says, turning on the lamp. He leans toward the nightstand on his side to pour him some water.
— Thanks… My mouth was dry.
— I think you were having a nightmare. Do you want to tell me about it?
— Huh? — Tadeus sets down the glass to bring his face closer to his eyes — Ah… Yes, it's you — he sighs and kisses him. Feeling the warmth of his lips helps the flutter around his heart fade away.
Alexander lifts his shirt, kisses him in the center of his chest, and then moves to his lips — Do you feel better?
— Yes — Tadeus kisses him again before pushing him away from his lap — Don't go.
— I'm just going to change the sheets.
After changing into his pajamas and sipping some aromatic herbal tea, he rests his head on the pillow again — I don't think I'll be able to sleep anymore — he says with the nose brushing against Alexander's bare chest.
— Maybe talking about the dream will help.
— I was on a beach, and you were there too. It was supposed to be our home, but it didn't feel like it. Then I went to look for you and… I don't know, it was really strange; I don't remember it very well.
— Did you dream about the time you were shot?
— No — he runs his fingers over the scar on his lover's chest — I lament everything I kept to myself.
— I need you — he places his hand over his — I'm grateful to have met you.
— I don't believe you.
— I mean it.
Tadeus recoils and turns to look at the window. The morning light stings his eyelids, but breakfast in bed makes him smile. — How beautiful you are.
— I hope you like it. Are you feeling better? — Alexander caresses his swollen eyelid. Tadeus nods as he cuts a bite from the pile of pancakes — I was thinking we could go out and buy some Christmas decorations.
"She'll like it if you go visit her" his sister said before he was discharged two weeks ago — Sounds good to me.
— I'm thinking of maybe making duck à l'orange for Christmas dinner instead of a stuffed turkey — says Alexander, his eyes on the road. He speeds up when he sees the cluster of clouds in the sky — We can't forget the cherry and strawberry pie for good luck… Are you listening to me?
— Yes, honey — he replies without looking away from his email. He steps forward to greet her sister when they arrive at the mall and tells her about her conversation with the prosecutor.
— I think you should accept; you'll be able to help a lot more people without putting yourself at so much risk. Besides, I was already planning to go with Gem to help her move and maybe stay with her for a while.
— Where are you going?
— I don't know yet, but she has some relatives in Italy.
— That sounds good… I'm glad.
— Oh, my brother — Yenedith gives him a hug — I'll be okay.
— I know, you're stronger than I am, a lot more — Tadeus wipes away his tears before breaking the hug when he sees him approaching. There's a huge Christmas tree in the middle of the entrance; people are stopping to take pictures with Santa Claus and his elves, who are to the side.
— Do you want to make a wish to Santa?
Tadeus bursts out laughing before answering — Just take a picture of me with the tree.
— Wait, we're under the mistletoe — Alexander says, running his hand through the back of his hair — Give me a kiss first.
Tadeus shakes his head with a smile, but looking into his eyes is enough to take his breath away.
— Hey, lovebirds! — Yenedith whispers; she's so close that Alexander jumps — I'll be in the light display area; you two look for baubles and garlands to decorate with. If we don't split up, we'll be leaving here at night, and I'm already getting hungry.
— You're standing under the mistletoe right now — Tadeus says, raising his eyebrows. Yenedith makes a face and lets out a groan before offering her cheek. Her brother kisses her on the forehead, and due to expectant gazes Alexander does the same — That woman, she just had lunch, but she's already hungry.
— I heard you — he says, walking away with the cart.
— You'll be craving something sweet soon — Alexander mutters.
Tadeus tries not to trip or bump into anyone with his crutch as he makes his way down the hall. Sometimes he feels he has more common sense navigating the aisles than most people do — People who don't know how to walk on the right! — he says as he's about to bump into a man while turning a corner.
— I'll look for one of those electric carts — says Alexander when they run into Yenedith.
— If we're almost done, I can go ahead and get in line.
— Good idea — she replies — Come here, Alexander, let's put everything on one cart; we just need to grab some tablecloths and napkins.
— Can your grandmother eat sweets? I was thinking of cooking Christmas dinner.
— Yes, but my aunt always makes a roast, and we have fruit and ham snacks to push us until the meat is ready.
— This year could be different.
— Are you sure?
— What, will there be a lot of people?
— No, it's just… you're not really from the neighborhood, and my Aunt Carmen doesn't live in a place like where Tadeus and I used to live.
— It's an important tradition to get together; especially now, I'd like to be a part of it if we're going to get married.
— If it depended on me, you're invited, but you should talk to my brother first.