Living room, 2030
"Kids, there's one thing I learned about weddings: the food is never for the bride and groom. You can have the best banquet in the world, but if you're the one getting married, you won't get a single bite. Something always interrupts you. And if you're one of the ones getting married and there are three of you, the interruption is triple."
"Lily, Marshall and Alyx's wedding was perfect. Well, the one outside was perfect. The one inside was a controlled disaster. But there was a problem: they hadn't eaten anything all day, and every time they tried to get to the food, someone always stole their plate. Either the guests, the aunts, or Scooter. Especially Scooter."
"Scooter again?" asked Ted's daughter.
"Scooter again," confirmed Ted. "And that time, Alyx decided enough was enough. That the moment for revenge had come."
The Banquet
The sweetheart table was in the center. Lily, Marshall and Alyx were sitting with plates full of delicious food, but they couldn't eat.
Every time Lily raised her fork, someone came over to congratulate her. Every time Marshall tried to bite into a roll, someone asked him for a photo. Every time Alyx brought a piece of meat to her mouth, someone interrupted her with a story.
"This is torture," said Lily.
"I haven't eaten all day," said Marshall.
"Me neither," said Alyx. "And I'm starting to get in a bad mood."
"Don't be in a bad mood," said Lily. "It's our wedding."
"Exactly. That's why we should be able to eat at our wedding."
An aunt approached. "Lily, dear! You look beautiful! And is this Marshall? So handsome! And this is...?"
"Alyx," said Alyx. "I'm her wife too."
"The three of you got married?"
"The three of us. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to eat."
But before they could take a bite, another aunt appeared, then a cousin, a grandfather, grandmother Lois who was already drunk and wanted to dance.
"Grandma, not now," said Lily.
"But I just want to give Alyx a kiss."
"A kiss?"
"She's my new favorite granddaughter. She has the right."
Grandma Lois kissed Alyx on the cheek. Then she left to look for more champagne.
"Your grandmother is amazing," said Alyx.
"I know, but she won't let me eat."
A waiter passed by with a tray of mini quiches. Marshall tried to grab one, but the waiter quickly moved away.
"Hey!" shouted Marshall.
"I'm sorry, sir, they're for the guests."
"I'm the groom!"
"You'll have to wait."
Marshall slumped in his chair. "I give up. I'm never going to eat."
Alyx clenched her teeth. "You know what? I'm going to take a break."
"Where are you going?" asked Lily.
"To find Scooter."
"Scooter? Why?"
"For revenge."
"Alyx, no..."
"He locked me in a closet on my wedding day. He's going to pay."
Alyx stood up and left the reception. Lily and Marshall looked at each other.
"Do we let her go?" asked Marshall.
"Yes, but she shouldn't go too far."
"And if she does?"
"Then we help her hide the body."
Alyx found Scooter in the garden, alone, reading "November Rain" out loud to a bush.
"...And when your fears subside and shadows still remain..."
"Scooter."
Scooter turned around. "Alyx? What are you doing here?"
"I've come to talk to you."
"About what?"
"About the fact that you locked me in a closet."
Scooter smiled. "It was for a good cause."
"There is no good cause for locking someone in a closet. It's illegal. It's kidnapping."
"It wasn't kidnapping, it was... a misunderstanding."
"It was kidnapping, and I'm going to report you."
Scooter turned pale. "You're going to call the police?"
"Yes, but first I want you to know something."
"What?"
Alyx approached, took out her notebook, and showed Scooter a drawing.
It was Scooter with a red clown nose, donkey ears, and a polka dot suit. In his hand, he held a sheet music for "November Rain" and below it said: "The worst ex-boyfriend in history."
"What is this?" asked Scooter.
"It's the poster I'm going to put in every record store in New York. In every music school, and in every place where they play Guns N' Roses."
"You can't do that."
"It's already done. I have copies. Many copies."
Scooter tried to snatch the notebook, but Alyx was faster.
"Furthermore," said Alyx, "I have a photo of you on my phone. I'm sending it to all my contacts."
"A photo?"
"A photo of you reading 'November Rain' to a bush. It's very compromising."
Scooter went blank. "How did you get it?"
"I've been following you since I left the reception. You're very predictable."
Scooter hung his head. "Okay, you're right. I was an idiot."
"You were."
"I'm truly sorry."
"I know. That's why I'm not going to report you."
"You're not?"
"No. But you have to do something for me."
"What?"
"Leave right now and never appear at any wedding of Lily, Marshall and me again. Ever again."
Scooter nodded. "Okay, I'm leaving."
"And leave the poem."
Scooter left the sheet with the lyrics to "November Rain" on the ground and left.
Alyx picked up the sheet. She tore it into pieces.
"Good," she said to herself. "Revenge served."
She returned to the reception. Lily and Marshall were waiting for her.
"What happened?" asked Lily.
"I fixed it. He's not coming back."
"Did you kill him?"
"Almost, but only emotionally."
"That's worse," said Marshall.
"I know. That's why it works."
A While Later
The moment came to cut the cake. Lily, Marshall and Alyx were in the center with a huge knife.
"Are you okay?" Marshall asked Lily.
"I'm perfect. I feel like I can fly."
"That's the champagne," said Alyx.
"Champagne is my best friend."
Lily was drunk. Very drunk. She had drunk too much, and now, with the knife in her hand, she was trying to cut the cake.
"Here we go," said Lily.
She put the knife in, turned it, took out a huge piece, and brought it to her mouth.
But before she could bite, her knees gave way.
"Lily!" shouted Marshall.
Lily fell to the ground. It wasn't a violent fall. It was a soft fall, like a leaf detaching from a tree.
"Are you okay?" asked Alyx, kneeling beside her.
Lily opened her eyes. She smiled.
"I'm fine, I just... got dizzy."
"It's the champagne," said Marshall.
"Champagne is my enemy."
"It was your best friend before."
"Best friends sometimes become enemies."
Alyx helped Lily up. The guests applauded. They thought it was part of the show.
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