The next morning.
"I can't believe she wore that dress!" Marshall exclaimed for the umpteenth time, pacing the living room with long strides. "It was our dress! The one we all went to buy for that interview with the idiot from the gallery who ended up asking for her number!"
Barney, who was sitting comfortably on the couch ready for lunch, listened. "Marshall, what does it matter? It's just a provocation. I would jump on her. Or what are you going to do? Challenge her to a pistol duel? It's Lily."
"Right. And Alyx has been acting strange. She would sometimes show up here with bruises," Marshall continued. "What the hell is she doing?"
Relaxed, Barney told him, "I don't know. And frankly, I think that's what she wants."
Marshall, wanting to focus on something else so he wouldn't be so worried about Alyx, thought about his counterattack. If Lily wanted to play dirty, they would play dirty. He remembered Lily's old weakness. A part of his body that, according to Lily, during playful intimate moments, was "too attractive."
His calves.
So he told Barney about Lily's little guilty pleasure.
"Seriously?"
"Completely," said Marshall. "She used the dress; I'll use my calves. It's poetic justice."
"It's crazy," said Ted. "No one gets turned on by a man's calves. They're an... earthly part of the body."
"You'd say that if you didn't have those chicken sticks you call legs," Marshall retorted.
Barney, offended, stood up and left the apartment, saying, "I'll wait for your apologies."
At the restaurant that afternoon. Marshall arrived with his pants unzipped at the ankles. Ted, Robin, and Barney were already there.
"My God," said Robin upon seeing him. "Marshall, what... is that?"
"It's my declaration of principles," he said, sitting down awkwardly.
Ted's parents just glanced at him briefly.
The door opened, and Lily entered. This time she was wearing a black dress with white accents on the neckline, more modest but just as provocative, with her defiant bearing. Her eyes immediately sought out Marshall, ready for another round.
"Marshall," she said, her voice...
"Lily," he replied with a brief nod.
They sat down. The air was charged with a sexual and agonizing electricity. It was like watching two gladiators who, instead of swords, used memories and known weak points.
Alyx arrived a few minutes later. She came directly from somewhere, her hair slightly damp at the nape of her neck, as if she had showered in a hurry. She wore clothes similar to the previous brunch—jeans, boots, and a loose gray sweatshirt this time—but her face seemed paler, with darker circles under her eyes. When she sat down, Marshall noticed she moved her left shoulder carefully, as if it hurt.
"Alyx, is everything okay?" asked Robin, noticing the same thing, worried she might have hurt herself at the gym.
"Of course," said Alyx with a quick smile that convinced no one. "Just a bit of tension."
The brunch began. The conversation was forced. Ted talked with Barney about his unfaithful father and whether to tell his mother or scold his father. Robin tried to figure out why Virginia didn't want her to have Ted's babies. But the real drama was unfolding silently between Marshall and Lily.
Marshall waited until Lily leaned over to pick up her napkin, once again showing that cleavage, which no longer had the impact of the red dress but was still a reminder.
Then he acted.
"It's really hot in here, don't you think?" he suddenly said, his voice too loud, although only Lily and Alyx looked at him as he opened the zippers on his pant legs.
The fabric parted, revealing a strip of tanned skin with the beginning of his thick, defined calf—the calf of an athlete or a man who could carry his girlfriend (or two) without effort.
Lily caught her breath. Her eyes fixed on the revealed skin. Ted rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Robin sank into her seat, murmuring "Oh, God" to herself.
"My calves," Marshall explained in a tone of false complaint, "cramp up terribly. All that toe-raising exercise is brutal."
Lily froze, her face not just filled with desire but with pain at how he had used their shared memories for this attack.
"What are you doing?" she hissed, her voice trembling.
"Me? Nothing. Just getting comfortable." His smile was a challenge. "Like you with your dress."
It was a low blow, and it hit the mark. Lily's eyes filled with tears of rage and humiliation. In the end, both went to the bathroom, had a brief encounter, and returned to the table, finding Robin and Virginia outside the bathroom talking.
Just as they passed Alyx, they heard her say, "It seems you both have temperature regulation issues," said Alyx, her voice clear and dry, cutting through the tension. "Maybe you should see a doctor."
Her words, so cold and out of place, were a bucket of ice water. Marshall and Lily felt that their ways of attacking and the brief encounter in the bathroom without seriously addressing their problems were like putting a band-aid on a meter-wide wound.
The rest of the brunch was torture. Lily barely spoke, and Marshall, feeling suddenly foolish, zipped his pants back up.
Then, seeing all the drama with Ted and his parents—first that Alfred had been unfaithful, then the truth about their divorce, and how Ted seemed so shaken by it all—was enough to give them perspective on the things they really needed to talk about. They went outside the restaurant to talk. Barney stood at the food bar, excited. Leaving Lily, Marshall, and Alyx alone at the table in silence.
Alyx was the first to get up.
"I have to go," she announced. "An appointment."
"An appointment?" asked Marshall, unable to hide his anxiety.
Alyx looked at him directly for the first time that afternoon, with a hint of emotion in her eyes—pity. "Yes, Marshall. An appointment with a punching bag and then a blank canvas." She paused, letting the words sink in. "Don't worry, they don't bite as much."
And before anyone could respond, she turned and left, leaving a faint scent of coffee and smoke in the air.
"I think we should keep some distance," said Lily in the silence after Alyx left.
"Yeah, I think the same. It's all a bit confusing," Marshall finished.
As they went back to eating, they murmured to each other.
"Are you wearing padding in your bra?" Marshall asked without looking at her.
"You tanned your calves," Lily retorted.
"I withdraw the question," said Marshall, taking a bite.
"Mmm," murmured Lily.
"Well," said Barney, who had watched the rest from the bar—though he didn't hear what they said, he saw Lily and Marshall's expressions when Alyx got up and left—and he approached the table, rubbing his hands with a macabre enthusiasm. "That was educational!"
"Score: Revealed calf: 8 for visual impact. Ex-humiliation: 9. Silent disapproval from the other ex: 10 with a gold star. I think Alyx won, folks. And she didn't even have to show a leg," he finished with glee.
Lily and Marshall just sank deeper into their chairs in silence.
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