"Brother, you don't need to be so nervous or embarrassed… We've always been best buddies because we share similar circumstances. I just didn't expect that we would have the same hobby…" I buried my face in my knees, so I couldn't see his face, but I could hear his voice.
"Actually, I've been in this group for over two years, and I've never told anyone about my feelings. In reality, you're the first person to know…" Da Guo continued, and all I could do was listen slowly and try to adjust myself.
"Brother, you're really careless. Like me, when I play this game, I always use a different QQ number that no one else knows about. I never use my original QQ number, just to protect my privacy online. I didn't expect you to use your real QQ number. I noticed you as soon as you added me. Originally... originally I didn't want you to join the group, but... but... I feel like I've let you down..." Da Guo continued, and I gradually calmed down. I lifted my face from my knees, and the cold wind blew past, making my flushed cheeks feel a little cool.
"Why did you tell me this? You could have just pretended you didn't know..." At this moment, I felt my voice change. I realized that I had actually sent him my thoughts, and the process and scenes described in the posts were so vivid that even if Da Guo didn't know my QQ number, he would be able to guess it was me just by looking at the posts.
"Isn't it better to be honest now, so that you won't find out later and cause trouble..." Da Guo shook his head and said.
"Actually, I've been struggling with this for the past few days, considering whether or not to tell you, like before, when we could talk about anything and everything. After thinking about it for a few days, I've decided to be honest with you..." Da Guo's voice was deep, completely unlike his previous carefree self. However, I didn't say anything, and we fell silent again.
"Let me tell you my story, I'll tell you and you listen..." Da Guo patted my shoulder and said, then he picked a foxtail grass from the ground and put it in his mouth.
"Although we are both from single-parent families, my family situation is actually not as good as yours... I have lived in a violent environment since I was a child. From the time I can remember, my parents would have a small argument every two days and a big argument every three days. The house was always in chaos. Every time my parents argued and fought, I couldn't help but cry and be scared. You could say that my childhood was spent in fear."
"That's why my personality is so different from other kids. After my parents divorced, I lived with my mother, and those days of fear finally ended. But then I encountered another problem." Da Guo spat out the foxtail grass in his mouth and continued, taking a deep breath afterward, perhaps a little ashamed to speak.
"After living with my mother, we depended on each other and spent every day together. Without my father's interference, life was relatively peaceful. However, as I grew up, I encountered some troublesome things, the first of which was my mother..." Da Guo sighed as he said this.
"As I grew older, I gradually noticed that my mother seemed to treat me differently, especially the way she looked at me. It seemed to be changing day by day, and at the time I couldn't figure out why. However, my mother is a rather open-minded person. When we're at home, she often doesn't care about her image, sometimes dressing quite scantily and revealingly. Especially when she's not wearing a bra, even if she's wearing pajamas or a nightgown, I can always see her nipples or accidental exposure. Moreover, she doesn't close the door when she sleeps at home, and she doesn't even try to hide it from me when she changes clothes. This situation didn't change after I entered puberty. I even suspected that my mother was deliberately seducing me..." When Daguo said this, I was completely stunned. Was there really such a thing?
"Perhaps you're overthinking it. Your mother just still sees you as a child... This kind of scene actually plays out in many families. In a mother's eyes, you will always be a child..." Perhaps because Da Guo took the initiative to open up his secret, my embarrassment and panic lessened a lot, and I couldn't help but express my opinion.
"I started out just like you… but a lot of things happened later…" Da Guo paused briefly, seemingly unwilling to reveal these secrets.
"About two years ago, before I started junior high school, when I had just turned fourteen, things changed. My mother would always ask me to get her clothes when she took a shower, and sometimes she would even ask me to scrub her back. I would force myself to go in and do all of this for her, even though I felt really uncomfortable every time. First, I had a physical reaction, and second, I actually had those kinds of fantasies about her. But I couldn't do that, she's my mother, we can't commit incest..."
"Even at that time, I thought I was overthinking it, until later... I suddenly discovered in the middle of the night that my mother had secretly entered my room. She observed me by my bed for a long time. I was afraid of being embarrassed, so I pretended to be asleep. In the end, my mother actually... actually put her hand under my blanket and gently touched me here..." When he said this, Da Guo's breathing became disordered, and it was clear that he was very conflicted.
"Later, my mother deliberately dressed very provocatively at home, and sometimes I could even see her... But I remained unmoved and forcibly suppressed my desires. Later, perhaps my mother realized something, and she gradually restrained herself. At that time, I felt like I had experienced a major upheaval. I couldn't understand why she would treat me like this, since she is my mother. It wasn't until I researched online that I learned my mother had a son fixation, meaning she had desires for me, her son. I also learned online that there are quite a few mothers and families like this. Often, the mother has experienced a huge emotional setback, no longer trusts other men, and is overly doting on her son, even to an excessive degree, which leads to this distorted mentality. At that time, she often couldn't control herself. It was precisely because of the pressure and pain after her divorce that, in short, after knowing the reason, I didn't hate my mother, and in the end, she gave up, and our relationship returned to normal."
"But later I realized that my mother's relationship with me had a slight impact on my psychology. It wasn't that I had those kinds of thoughts about my mother, but... especially after I came across cuckoldry online, combined with the little things between my mother and me, I actually developed that kind of desire and psychology towards cuckoldry, and it only got stronger. I often searched for resources on this topic in internet cafes and on my phone, as if I were addicted. The more information I learned about and read about cuckoldry, the more I knew, which is why this QQ group came about..." Da Guo said, tapping the soil on the grass with a stick, looking very conflicted. It seemed that he was reluctant to say these things.
"My mother loves me and is genuinely good to me. She doesn't even want me to be taken away from her. When she divorced my father, she fought desperately for custody of me, even willing to give up everything else. Perhaps she doesn't know that I'm having these feelings now. I don't blame her, nor do I hate her. She stirred my desires several times, but because of our mother-son relationship, I always restrained myself. In the end, I could only satisfy my desires through fantasies of being with someone else… by imagining myself in her…" After Da Guo finished speaking, he threw away the stick and looked at me.
"Brother, I've told you all this so that you don't have to be so conflicted or feel so much pain. There are countless people like us, but most of them are unknown to others. Now that I have you, at least I have a friend to share this secret with. Although you've only been in the group for a few days, I've read your posts and know your secret. Now that we've opened our secrets to each other, I feel a little better…" After saying this, Da Guo stood up and stretched.
I sat on the grass, watching the great nation remain motionless; my backside was starting to feel numb from the cool grass…
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