TITLE: MODERN FAMILY - "THE YARD SALE" (FAN EDIT)
SCENE START
EXT. JAY AND GLORIA'S DRIVEWAY - DAY
The morning sun beats down on the Pritchett driveway, which has been transformed into a sprawling bazaar of upper-middle-class castoffs. It is the Great Pritchett-Dunphy Yard Sale.
Tables are groaning under the weight of items that seemed like good ideas at the time: a bread maker still in the box, a terrifying clown painting, stacks of diet books from the 90s, and a collection of ceramic frogs that Jay definitely hates.
ALEX DUNPHY stands near a clothing rack that smells . She is with MICHAEL (15), a boy who is impeccably dressed in a crisp button-down and loafers. He moves with the expressive hand gestures of a Broadway conductor.
Michael pulls a sequined, electric-blue blouse from the rack. He holds it up to the sunlight, squinting critically.
MICHAEL "Alex, look. Just look at the beadwork on this. It's exquisite."
He runs a hand down the fabric.
MICHAEL (CONT'D) "It screams 'Disco Queen,' but in a whimsical, irony-free way. It's giving me Studio 54 meets suburban ennui. Sold."
ALEX "Yeah. It's... shiny. I think it was my grandmother's."
MICHAEL "Even better! Vintage heritage! It tells a story, Alex. "
IN THE BACKGROUND:
The garage door is open. JAY PRITCHETT stands by a pile of rusted gardening equipment, looking overwhelmed.
AMAN (wearing a fitted t-shirt and jeans) walks out of the shadows of the garage. He is carrying a heavy wooden crate filled with old iron tools. His biceps flex slightly—not in a show-off way, just in a purely functional way. He carries the weight easily.
AMAN "Put the heavy stuff near the curb, right? Saves people from dragging it all the way down the driveway. They think less before buying it"
He sets the crate down with a solid thud, dusting his hands on his jeans.
JAY (Nodding, genuinely impressed) "Smart kid. Good form. You got a good back, what i would give to get a good back. Unlike Mitchell, who pulled a hamstring reaching for a coaster last week. I had to ice him down for an hour."
AMAN (Chuckles)
EXT. SIDE OF HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
CLAIRE DUNPHY is huddled behind a stack of old mattresses with her brother MITCHELL and his husband CAMERON. They are observing the scene .
CLAIRE "Okay, look. Just look."
She points a frantic finger toward the driveway.
ANGLE ON: Michael is now wrapping a silk scarf around Alex's neck, demonstrating a complex French knot.
ANGLE ON: Aman is wiping grease off his hands with a rag, laughing at something Jay said, leaning casually against a truck.
CLAIRE "Do you guys see the difference? It's night and day! Aman is normal. Michael is braiding the fringe on a rug and critiquing hemlines!"
MITCH "Claire, stop. You're stereotyping."
Mitch crosses his arms, trying to look morally superior.
CAM "It's offensive, Claire. Truly ghastly. Just because a boy has an appreciation for textiles and silhouette doesn't make him gay. It makes him sophisticated. It makes him a Renaissance man!"
CLAIRE "He's not sophisticated! He's gay! And Alex doesn't see it because she's so desperate to have a boyfriend who actually listens to her. You guys are the experts. You have the radar. You have to tell her."
MITCH "We do have the radar doesn't mean , we are the 'Gay Police,' Claire. We don't just walk around poping kid ballons."
CAM (Gasps, hand to chest) "Oh, I would love a badge, though. Sparkly. "
MITCH (Ignoring Cam) "We're not doing it. Young men today are fluid. They're in touch with their feminine side. Look at Justin Bieber. Look at the kids on Glee."
CLAIRE "Oh, come on!"
OUTSIDE THE VISUAL FIELD:
Michael has wandered over to a box of vinyl records. He freezes. His eyes go wide. He drops the scarf.
He clutches his chest as if he's having a palpitations.
MICHAEL (Mouthing, clearly readable to everyone) "Barbra?! Is this the Color Me Barbra limited edition?! With the original insert?!"
Michael does a literal, technical pirouette of joy, clutching the record to his chest like a long-lost child.
BACK TO THE GROUP:
Mitch and Cam stare. The silence stretches for five uncomfortable seconds.
CAM (Deadpan) "I'll talk to her."
MITCH "Yeah. That ... confirmed. Even for those that dont have radar."
EXT. DRIVEWAY - MOMENTS LATER
The crowd has thinned slightly. Jay is standing next to his pride and joy—and current source of marital friction.
It is a beautiful, black Harley Davidson Softail Deluxe. Chrome gleams in the sun.
PHIL DUNPHY stands nearby, looking at the machine with a complex mix of terror and desperate desire to be cool. AMAN is crouched down next to the bike, inspecting the exhaust pipe with genuine interest.
AMAN "Softail Deluxe? Nice. The chrome is barely touched, Jay. This thing is mint."
JAY (Beaming) "Only rode it on Sundays. And only when it was dry. She purrs like a kitten, kid."
PHIL (Nervous laugh, puffing out his chest) "She's a beast, Jay. A real... widow-maker. Not that I'm scared! Ha! hardly. I've ridden plenty of... two-wheeled vehicles. I'm known for my balance."
AMAN (Standing up, ignoring Phil's panic) "It's a classic. Why are you selling it? This thing holds value better than gold."
JAY (Sighs) "No i am not selling but thinking about it ,Gloria says it's dangerous. Says she had a dream I turned into a road pizza. Plus, honestly? Getting my leg over the seat isn't as graceful as it used to be. I pulled something last time I tried to mount it."
CLAIRE walks up, holding a price gun. She spots Phil eyeing the bike.
CLAIRE "Oh no. No, no, no. Phil, don't even look at it. You are not a motorcycle guy."
PHIL (Hurt) "I am a man of danger, Claire! I embrace the edge!"
CLAIRE "Phil, you shrieked yesterday because a butterfly landed on your neck."
PHIL "It had a pattern that suggested poison! It was vibrant, Claire! Vibrancy is nature's warning!"
INT. JAY'S LIVING ROOM - CONFESSIONAL
Phil sits on the couch, looking earnest.
PHIL "I am terrified of motorcycles. They are just bicycles that explode between your legs. They have no seatbelts. They have no airbags. They are death machines."
He pauses, looking conflicted.
PHIL (CONT'D) "But... Claire doesn't think I can handle it. She thinks I'm soft. And sometimes, a man has to look death in the face, rev the engine, and say, 'Honk honk.'"
EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS
Claire looks at Phil, seeing the pathetic longing in his eyes. Then she looks at the bike. Then, a sudden, dark thought hits her.
CLAIRE "Wait."
She looks at Phil's legs.
Clarie " Do you want it ?"
Phil " of course i like it ."
CLAIRE (CONT'D) "If you get this... will you get rid of the Strider?"
PHIL "The elliptical? But that's my cardio! That's how I maintain my glutes!"
CLAIRE (To Jay, ignoring Phil) "Jay, how much?"
JAY "For Phil? Friends and family discount. ."
CLAIRE (Turning to Phil, eyes intense) "Buy it. Ride the wind, honey. Be a rebel. Be a biker. Just get that hideous, squeaking striding machine out before I take a hacksaw to it."
AMAN (Looking at the bike, realizing Phil might ruin it) "Man. I really want it."
JAY (Laughs, patting Aman's shoulder) "Hey, you're definitely gonna have something when you turn older. Take it easy, kid. You got plenty of time for mid-life crises."
CLAIRE "Yes, let Phil have it this time, buddy. He needs this. {whispering to aman} you have seen the strider."
JAY (To Aman, whispering) "How hideous is that Strider?"
AMAN "It's pretty bad, Jay. Its not masculine a bit."
JAY "Even I'm willing to give him the bike to get rid of that. No man should live with such thing."
Phil is now gingerly touching the handlebars, looking like he expects the bike to bite him.
AMAN "Hey, Jay. Hypothetically. If Phil... you know, doesn't want it somehow. Or if he falls off immediately. Or if he cries."
JAY "Yeah?"
AMAN "Can I have it? I'll buy it. "
JAY "Are you even old enough to drive it? You're fifteen."
AMAN "I could get a learner's permit next month. "
JAY (Grinning) "You get that permit first, kid. Then we talk. I'm not having your death on my conscience. I got enough to answer for with Mitchell's childhood—I made him play catch until he cried."
EXT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER
GLORIA is sitting on a small stool behind a makeshift cardboard puppet theater. LUKE is sitting in front, snickering.
GLORIA (In a gravelly, exaggerated voice, using a puppet that looks remarkably like Jay with a giant nose) "Hello! I am Uncle Grumpy! I hate fun and I love closets! I hate the loud noises and I love the scotch!"
LUKE (Laughing) "Ask him about the dog!"
GLORIA / PUPPET "I hate the dog! The dog is too happy! Bah humbug!"
JAY walks by, carrying a box of old golf balls. He stops. He stares at the puppet. His face turns a shade of red.
JAY "I am going to my club. I can't take it anymore. I am being mocked by felt."
GLORIA / PUPPET "Whatever! Where is my scotch?! "
AMAN walks by, carrying another box. He stops next to Jay, suppressing a smile.
AMAN "The resemblance is uncanny, Jay. "
JAY (Grumbling) "You're out of the will. And so is the Colombian."
Aman " i am came here , pretty sure i wasn't added to begin with ."
JAY " DAMN IT!"
EXT. DRIVEWAY -
The yard sale is winding down. Suddenly, a limping figure appears at the bottom of the driveway.
It is Phil. He is walking funny.
As he gets closer, the extent of the damage becomes clear. His pants—his nice khaki pants—are ripped horizontally across the thigh. But it's worse than a rip. One entire leg of his jeans is missing below the knee.
CLAIRE (Dropping a box of books) "Phil?! What happened? Where is the bike?"
PHIL "Had to lay her down. Classic rider situation. Loose gravel. A squirrel. You might have receive video on your email."
AMAN (Wincing) "The bike?"
PHIL "She's safe. Parked her at the gate. Not a scratch on her."
He pauses, looking at his leg.
PHIL (CONT'D) "I, however, got trapped under the exhaust pipe. The heat... it was intense. I was pinned like a trapped wolf. I had to make a choice, Claire. It was the pants or the leg. I had to cut myself out with my Swiss Army knife.It was survival ."
He holds up a tiny, 2-inch blade.
PHIL (CONT'D) "It took twenty minutes."
CLAIRE "Oh my god."
PHIL "Claire... I am not a biker. I am a Strider. I belong on the elliptical. The stationary life is the life for me."
Aman steps forward. He looks at Jay, who is shaking his head as he walks toward his car to escape to the club.
AMAN "So... Jay. About that permit."
JAY (Sighs, opening his car door) "We'll talk. Just don't tell Gloria."
Jay drives off. Aman looks at the abandoned bike down the street. He smiles.
EXT. SIDE YARD - LATER
The sun is setting. ALEX is standing by the clothes rack, looking furious. MITCHELL and CAMERON look guilty.
ALEX "You guys told him?! You told Michael?!"
CAM "We didn't tell him! We just... heavily implied that his love of musical theater and his collection of silk ascots was a shared interest! We were bonding!"
ALEX "He broke up with me! He said he needs to 'find himself'! He said I was 'stifling his journey'!"
MITCH "Well, Alex... honestly? We saved you time. We ripped the Band-Aid off."
ALEX "I knew he was gay!"
Cam and Mitch freeze.
CAM "You did?"
ALEX "Yes! Obviously! I'm in MENSA, I'm not blind!"
MITCH "Then why...?"
ALEX "Because he listened to me! He didn't try to pressure me! He noticed when I got a haircut! It was the perfect relationship! and we have some action just saying he might not be 100% gay."
AMAN walks by, eating a pretzel he bought from Luke for five dollars.
AMAN "Sounds like you just want a gay best friend, Alex. You don't need to date them to get the shopping advice."
ALEX (Glaring) "Stay out of this, Aman."
AMAN (Shrugs, taking a bite) "Just saying. Cam is right there. He is available for shopping trips if you're desperate. And he's definitely not going to break up with you."
CAM (Perks up immediately) "I am! Oh, Alex, he's right. I saw a poncho earlier in that pile—a red knit poncho—that would look divine on you. It brings out your aggression."
Alex looks at Cam. She sighs, the anger deflating.
ALEX " You know you cant distract me....anyway, was it the red one with the fringe?"
CAM "It was the red one with the fringe."
Alex smiles, defeated.
ALEX "Fine. Show me."
They walk off toward the clothes rack, .
Aman leans against the wall, watching them go. Mitchell sighs, rubbing his neck.
MITCH "I really need that ice pack now."
AMAN "I'll get it. But you owe me. I need a ride to the DMV next week."
MITCH "Deal."