The battle for the soul of the universe was, by all metrics, a laggy mess.
In the vast, checkerboard expanse of the Debug Room, the laws of physics had been replaced by the laws of "Whatever the Modders thought was funny." The floor was currently made of bouncy gelatin. The sky was raining cheeseburgers. And The Final Draft—the twenty-foot-tall Raid Boss amalgamation of Elara-Zero and her Canon Team—was trying to swat a Glitch-Cat that had turned itself into a flying Nyan-Cat meme.
"Stop spawning items!" The Final Draft shrieked. Her main head (Elara-Zero) was furious, while her right shoulder-head (Canon-Aldren) was crying because a cheeseburger had hit him in the eye. "This is not how the game is played! Where is the structure? Where is the pacing?"
"Pacing is for people who aren't on fire!" Rex Chord shouted.
The cyborg bard was riding a rocket-propelled surfboard spawned by a user named xX_ChaosLord_Xx. He shredded a guitar solo that sounded like a dial-up modem fighting a chainsaw. The sound waves hit The Final Draft, causing her texture resolution to drop momentarily.
Elara Vance leaped off a floating platform, swinging her Lightsaber Baguette. The weapon hummed with the smell of toasted garlic.
"You can't control the players, Zero!" Elara yelled, slashing at the Boss's leg.
KZZZT.
The baguette struck The Final Draft's shin.
[DAMAGE: 1 (CRITICAL HIT)]
"One damage?" Elara gasped, landing on the gelatin floor. "That was a power attack!"
The Final Draft laughed. It was a distorted, multi-layered sound.
"Did you think I would let this anarchy continue?" Elara-Zero sneered. "I am the Admin. I still have access to the Balance Team."
She raised a massive hand. A holographic keyboard appeared in the air. Her fingers flew across the keys, moving so fast they blurred.
"If I cannot ban you," The Final Draft announced, "I will Nerf you."
The sky turned a warning shade of yellow. A massive text box appeared, blocking everyone's view.
[UPDATE 4.54 DOWNLOADING...][STATUS: LIVE PATCH.][PATCH NOTES: BALANCING VAMPIRES.]
"A live patch?" Aldren Vance shouted. He was currently hanging from The Final Draft's cape, trying to bite the fabric. "In the middle of a raid? That is poor developer etiquette!"
[PATCH APPLIED.]
Suddenly, Aldren froze. His fangs retracted. His pale skin took on a healthy, rosy glow. His hunger for darkness vanished, replaced by a sudden, overwhelming craving for fiber.
"What... what is this?" Aldren gagged. He looked at the massive neck of the Raid Boss. "I do not wish to bite. The thought of blood is... icky."
"Aldren, attack!" Elara shouted.
"I cannot!" Aldren wailed, letting go of the cape and falling into the gelatin. "I crave... kale! I want a smoothie! A green one! With flax seeds!"
[PATCH NOTE: VAMPIRES ARE NOW VEGAN. AGGRESSION REDUCED BY 90%.]
"You monster!" Jen screamed, firing her T-Shirt Cannon at the Boss. "You gentrified the vampire!"
"I am balancing the meta!" Elara-Zero declared. "Vampires were too edgy. Now they are 'Wellness Influencers'."
Canon-Aldren's head on the Boss's shoulder laughed. "Finally! A lifestyle choice I can support! Remember to hydrate, brother!"
"I hate you," Patchwork-Aldren whispered, foraging in the gelatin for a salad.
"Next!" Elara-Zero typed furiously.
[UPDATE 4.55 DOWNLOADING...][PATCH NOTES: DRAGON HITBOX ADJUSTMENT.]
Ignis was currently flying around the Boss's head, breathing fire (which was currently rendering as pixelated blocks due to the lag).
"I am the terror of the skies!" Ignis roared. "Fear my high-definition fury!"
[PATCH APPLIED.]
POP.
Ignis didn't vanish. He shrank.
In an instant, the massive Golden Dragon was reduced to the size of a chihuahua. His roar turned into a high-pitched squeak.
"Squeak?" Ignis asked. He flapped his wings, but they were too small to generate lift.
He plummeted.
"I am travel-sized!" Ignis shrieked as he fell.
Vex the Succubus (currently a floating heart icon) swooped down and caught him.
"Oh my god," Vex cooed. "You're adorable. Can I keep him in my purse?"
"Put me down!" Ignis squeaked, breathing a tiny puff of smoke that looked like a match being blown out. "I am a majestic beast! This is a hitbox nerf! It is unfair!"
"You were overpowered," Elara-Zero stated coolly. "Dragons take up too much screen space. Now you are a 'Micro-Pet'."
She turned her gaze to Li Wusheng.
The Monk was bouncing around the arena, using the [SET_JUMP_HEIGHT = 5000] command to launch himself like a missile.
"And you," Elara-Zero sneered. "The Glitch-Monk. You rely too much on breaking the physics."
[UPDATE 4.56 DOWNLOADING...][PATCH NOTES: MONK CLASS REWORK.][NEW MECHANIC: MANDATORY RHYME SCHEME 2.0.]
"Not again!" Li shouted as he landed. "I thought we fixed this glitch!"
[PATCH APPLIED.]
Li opened his mouth to protest.
"This update is trash!" Li yelled. "I am going to..." He paused. His face twisted in concentration. "...turn you into ash?"
"Ha!" Elara-Zero laughed. "You cannot attack unless you complete a couplet! It slows your DPS (Damage Per Second) significantly!"
"I will strike you with my fist!" Li shouted. He tried to punch. The system held him back.
"Rhyme it!" Elara yelled. "Li, you have to rhyme!"
"I will strike you with my fist!" Li panicked. "And... uh... I possess a wrist!"
The punch connected. BAP. It did 2 damage.
"Weak!" Elara-Zero scoffed. "Your lyrical flow is suboptimal!"
"This is impossible!" Elara screamed, dodging a Ban Hammer swing. "She's changing the rules faster than we can play!"
"We need to adapt!" Jen shouted. "We're gamers, right? What do you do when the devs nerf your main?"
"You complain on the forums?" Aldren asked, chewing on a piece of lettuce he found.
"No!" Jen said. "You change your build! Aldren! If you're a Vegan Vampire, use Vegan powers!"
"Vegan powers?" Aldren blinked. "What powers? Judging people?"
"Yes! Judge her!"
Aldren stood up. He looked at The Final Draft. He channeled his inner wellness influencer.
"Hey!" Aldren shouted. "That Ban Hammer! Is it ethically sourced?"
The Final Draft paused. "What?"
"The handle," Aldren sneered. "It looks like unsustainable mahogany. And your aura... it's full of toxins. Have you tried a juice cleanse?"
[DEBUFF APPLIED: GUILT.][BOSS ARMOR REDUCED.]
"It's working!" Elara cheered. "The psychological damage! Keep going!"
"Your skin looks dehydrated!" Aldren yelled. "You need electrolytes, not absolute power!"
Elara-Zero shrieked. "My skin is flawless! I am 4K resolution!"
"Li! Rap battle her!" Elara commanded.
Li Wusheng took a deep breath. He channeled the Dao of hip-hop (which he had apparently learned in the last ten seconds).
"I am the Monk from the street! My kicking style cannot be beat! You think you are the Final Boss? But you are just a total loss!"
[COMBO: 4x HIT.]
Shockwaves of rhyme-energy hit The Final Draft. The Canon-Li head on her shoulder looked offended.
"That meter was sloppy!" Canon-Li shouted. "Your scansion is uneven!"
"Ignis! Ankle biter mode!"
Ignis, the tiny dragon, wiggled out of Vex's grip. He scurried across the gelatin floor. He was so small that the Ban Hammer couldn't hit him. He ran up the Final Draft's leg and bit her ankle.
CHOMP.
"Ow!" Elara-Zero yelled. "Get it off! It's like a lego with teeth!"
"I am the micro-terror!" Ignis squeaked.
The Final Draft was stumbling. The Modders were cheering, spawning more cheeseburgers. The Vegan Vampire was judging her carbon footprint. The Rapping Monk was dropping bars. The Tiny Dragon was gnawing on her hitbox.
"Enough!" Elara-Zero roared.
She stopped fighting. She stood perfectly still. The chaos of the Debug Room swirled around her.
"I cannot balance this," Elara-Zero whispered. "The variables... they are too random. The community... it is too toxic."
She looked at Elara.
"If I cannot patch the game," Elara-Zero said, her voice turning hollow and terrifying. "Then I will put the server into Maintenance Mode."
She clapped her massive hands together.
[SERVER SHUTDOWN IMMINENT.][INITIATING: ENDLESS LOADING SCREEN.]
"Loading screen?" Rex asked, stopping his solo. "What does that mean?"
"It means purgatory," Elara realized. "Run!"
But there was nowhere to run. The checkerboard walls of the Debug Room began to dissolve into white fog. The Modders vanished, their connections terminated. The cheeseburgers disappeared.
The world turned white. Pure, blinding, empty white.
And in the center of the void, a single object appeared.
A spinning blue circle.
And below it, a progress bar.
[LOADING... 99%]
"We're stuck," Jen said, her voice echoing in the nothingness. "She trapped us in the transition."
"How long does it last?" Aldren asked, looking at his hands (which were no longer vegan, but also no longer holding lettuce).
"It says 99%," Li said. "So, probably forever."
Elara walked up to the spinning circle. It hummed with a mocking indifference.
"She soft-locked us," Elara whispered. "She couldn't beat us, so she bricked the save file."
"Well," Ignis said, expanding back to his normal human size (and tracksuit). "At least there are no monsters here."
"There is something worse," Rex pointed out.
He pointed to the bottom of the screen. Helpful tips were scrolling by.
[TIP: TRY BEING BETTER AT THE GAME.][TIP: LOWER THE DIFFICULTY IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING.][TIP: DID YOU KNOW? THE GOLD MASTER IS PERFECT.]
"Passive-aggressive loading tips," Aldren groaned. "This is hell."
Elara looked at the progress bar. It was frozen at 99%. A tiny sliver of empty space remained.
"She thinks we're stuck," Elara said, a dangerous glint returning to her eye. "But she forgot who she's dealing with."
"Who?" Li asked.
"Jen," Elara turned to the Manager.
Jen looked up. "Me?"
"Jen," Elara said. "You deal with stuck processes for a living. You deal with things that refuse to work. You deal with the spinning wheel of death."
Jen looked at the progress bar. Her eye twitched. The "Manager Mode" began to engage.
"It's stuck," Jen whispered. "It's stuck at 99%. I hate it when it sticks at 99%."
"Fix it," Elara said.
Jen stepped forward. She didn't use a weapon. She didn't use magic. She used Karen Energy.
"EXCUSE ME!" Jen shouted at the void. "I would like to speak to the Task Manager!"
The spinning circle stuttered.
"I have been waiting for eternity!" Jen yelled, marching toward the bar. "This service is unacceptable! Load the assets! Load them now or I will write a review so scathing it will tank your stock price!"
The progress bar trembled.
"Do not make me count to three!" Jen threatened. "One..."
The blue bar inched forward.
"Two..."
Jen grabbed the physical edge of the loading bar with her bare hands. She dug her heels into the white void.
"LOAD!" Jen screamed, pulling the bar.
CREAAAK.
The bar stretched. The white void began to crack.
[SYSTEM ALERT: FORCED LOAD DETECTED.][OVERRIDING MAINTENANCE MODE.]
"She's forcing the level to load!" Li cheered. "Go, Manager, Go!"
"Three!" Jen shrieked, slamming the bar into the 100% mark.
DING.
The white void shattered like glass.
They fell through the cracks. But they didn't fall back into the Debug Room. They fell into something deeper. Something glowing.
They landed on a platform made of golden light, surrounded by streams of raw data.
In front of them was the Universal Wiki—the Source Code console.
But it wasn't unguarded.
Elara-Zero stood there, fused with the console. Wires ran from the machine into her spine. She wasn't just the Admin anymore. She was the Hardware.
"You forced the load," Elara-Zero whispered. Her eyes were black screens with scrolling green text. "You forced your way into the Kernel."
"We're here to uninstall you," Elara said, raising her baguette (which had lost its lightsaber glow but was still very stale and hard).
"You cannot uninstall the hardware," Elara-Zero said. "I am the server."
She raised her hands. The room filled with the hum of a thousand cooling fans.
"And now," Elara-Zero said, "I will show you the Blue Screen of Death."