The "Fantasy Texture Pack" update hit Seattle at 6:00 AM sharp.
Elara Vance woke up not to the sound of rain, but to the sound of a lute. A very loud, aggressively cheerful lute playing a medieval tavern song.
She rolled out of bed—which was no longer a mattress but a pile of hay—and looked out the window of the Meow & Bow.
"Oh no," Elara whispered.
The International District was gone. In its place was a generic, high-resolution RPG village. The asphalt streets had been paved over with pristine cobblestones. The neon signs were replaced by wooden boards hanging from iron chains. The Space Needle, looming in the distance, had been reskinned into a massive, crystal Wizard Tower spiraling into the clouds.
"My van!" Rex Chord screamed from the street below.
Elara looked down. Rex's Generic Getaway Van was gone. Standing in its place was a horse. A very confused horse with a "VAN" bumper sticker pasted on its flank.
"It turned my ride into a quadruped!" Rex wailed, strumming his ukulele (which was now a lyre). "It has no horsepower! It has actual horse power!"
"Focus, team," Elara said, sliding down the drainpipe (now a trellis of ivy). She landed in the cobblestone street. She was wearing her tactical vest, but the texture pack had rendered it as leather armor. "The genre has shifted. Logic is out. Magic is in. And we need to break it."
"I am ready," Li Wusheng announced, stepping out of the cafe.
Li looked... complicated. The update couldn't decide what to do with a Cyber-Monk who clipped through walls. So, it had rendered him as a "Glitch-Wizard." He wore starry robes, but his staff was a 404 Error sign on a stick, and his beard kept flickering between "Long White" and "None."
"I have attempted to cast 'Fireball'," Li grumbled. "But I do not have the mana. I only have 'Battery Life'."
"Aldren?" Elara called.
The Vampire Lord emerged from the shadows. He looked miserable. He was wearing a ruffled shirt (again) and tight breeches.
"Do not speak to me," Aldren hissed. "I tried to turn into a bat. I turned into a raven. A raven, Elara! It is so... cliché."
"Where's Jen?" Elara asked.
"I'm here," Jen's voice called out from the alleyway.
But two figures emerged.
The first was Patchwork-Jen. She looked furious. She was wearing her Manager's blazer, but it was covered in armor plates. She held a clipboard that had been turned into a shield.
The second figure was... problematic.
She looked exactly like Jen, but she was wearing a peasant dress that was perfectly clean. She held a basket of flowers. She walked with a strange, floating gait, her feet not quite touching the cobblestones. above her head floated a glowing yellow exclamation mark.
"Who is that?" Aldren asked.
"This," Patchwork-Jen growled, grabbing the woman's arm to stop her from walking into a wall, "is Canon-Jen. She spawned in the pantry five minutes ago."
"Greetings, Travelers!" Canon-Jen chirped. Her voice was pre-recorded and looped. "The harvest is bountiful this year! Would you like to buy some apples?"
"She's an NPC," Rex realized. "A Town NPC."
"She's an idiot," Patchwork-Jen corrected. "Watch this."
She let go of Canon-Jen's arm.
Canon-Jen immediately turned 90 degrees and walked straight into a barrel. She didn't stop. She just kept walking in place, her legs moving, sliding against the barrel. Scuff. Scuff. Scuff.
"I must reach the market!" Canon-Jen announced cheerfully while face-planting into the wood.
"The pathfinding," Li noted with horror. "It is broken."
"She's the Canon version of me," Patchwork-Jen said, rubbing her temples. "In Elara-Zero's perfect world, I'm not a Manager. I'm a 'Background Quest Giver.' I exist solely to be rescued or to sell produce."
Suddenly, the sky darkened.
A giant hologram of Elara-Zero appeared above the Crystal Tower (Space Needle). She wore the robes of a High Sorceress.
"Citizens of the Kingdom of Seattle," Elara-Zero proclaimed. "Welcome to the Gold Master Fantasy Update. Technology is hereby banned. Logic is outlawed. Please enjoy the wonder."
She pointed a staff at the city.
"However, I detect anomalies. Glitch-Entities still exist. Security! Purge the non-magical assets!"
The ground rumbled.
Marching down the cobblestone street came a squad of Moderator Knights. But they weren't mechanical anymore. They were High Fantasy Paladins in shining gold armor, wielding hammers that glowed with holy light.
"Halt!" the Lead Paladin shouted. "Thou art violating the aesthetic! That cyborg—" he pointed at Rex "—is anachronistic! Seize him!"
"We have to move," Elara said. "We need to get to the server room in the Crystal Tower to uninstall this pack. But we can't leave Canon-Jen here. If the Moderators find a 'broken' NPC, they'll delete her."
"So we bring her?" Aldren asked.
"We have to," Patchwork-Jen sighed. "I can't let my alternate self get deleted. Even if she is stuck in a walking loop."
She grabbed Canon-Jen by the shoulders and physically turned her around.
"Listen to me," Patchwork-Jen said. "We are going to the tower. Do not stop. Do not sell apples. Run."
Canon-Jen blinked. "I must reach the market! Help me, brave hero! I am lost!"
[NEW QUEST STARTED: ESCORT THE NPC TO THE TOWER.]
A glowing golden tether appeared, connecting Patchwork-Jen to Canon-Jen.
"Oh no," Rex whispered. "It's an Escort Mission. The worst mechanic in gaming history."
"They're coming!" Li shouted. "Paladins at 12 o'clock!"
"Run!" Elara commanded.
The team took off down the street. Aldren turned into a raven (reluctantly) to scout. Li glitched forward, teleporting in short bursts. Rex rode his horse-van.
But Patchwork-Jen... she had to walk. Because Canon-Jen walked. Slowly.
"Run faster!" Patchwork-Jen yelled, dragging her doppelganger.
"The scenery is lovely!" Canon-Jen marveled, stopping to look at a texture-mapped flower. "Look! A polygon!"
"Move!" Patchwork-Jen shoved her.
The Paladins were gaining. Their heavy armor clanked loudly.
"Stop, criminal scum!" the Lead Paladin shouted. "Thou shalt be banned!"
He threw a hammer. It spun through the air, glowing with ban-energy.
"Canon-Jen, duck!" Patchwork-Jen screamed.
Canon-Jen did not duck. She stood perfectly still and said, "Hello there!"
Patchwork-Jen tackled her. The hammer sailed over their heads, smashing a barrel of "Polygonal Mead."
"She has no survival instinct!" Patchwork-Jen screamed, hauling her up. "She's scripted to die!"
"We need to confuse the AI!" Elara yelled from the front. "We need to be Genre-Wrong! Rex! Play something sci-fi!"
Rex grabbed his lyre. "I can't! It's acoustic!"
"Plug it into the horse!" Elara shouted. "The horse used to be a van! It might still have an alternator!"
Rex looked at the horse. He looked at the lyre. He shrugged. He jammed the lyre's cable into the horse's saddlebag (where the gas cap used to be).
KZZZZT.
The horse neighed—a sound that was half-animal, half-engine rev. The lyre lit up with neon blue light.
"Electric Lute!" Rex cheered. He shredded a futuristic synth-wave solo.
The sound blasted through the fantasy street. It was anachronistic. It broke the immersion.
The Paladins stumbled. Their armor flickered.
"Error!" the Lead Paladin shouted. "Soundtrack mismatch! This is not 'Ye Olde Folk Music'! My immersion is ruined!"
"Keep going!" Elara yelled.
They reached a bridge crossing a river of sparkling blue water. But the bridge was blocked.
A Troll stood there. A massive, high-definition Troll with a dialogue tree floating over his head.
"None shall pass," the Troll grunted, "unless thou answer my riddles three."
"We don't have time for riddles!" Aldren (in Raven form) cawed, landing on Elara's shoulder.
"We have to play along," Elara said. "It's a gated encounter. Ask the riddle, Troll."
The Troll smiled. "Question One: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?"
"Man," Li Wusheng answered immediately. "It is the Sphinx riddle. It is public domain."
"Correct," the Troll scowled. "Question Two: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"African or European?" Rex shouted. "Also public domain! Get better material!"
The Troll looked flustered. "Fine! Question Three: What is... the Wi-Fi password for the Crystal Tower?"
The team froze.
"That's not a fantasy riddle," Elara said.
"I need to update my blog!" the Troll admitted. "The connection down here is terrible!"
"The password is 'Password123'," Canon-Jen chirped helpfully. "I sell apples!"
The Troll blinked. "Really? Thanks!"
He stepped aside.
"She knew the password?" Patchwork-Jen stared at her doppelganger.
"She's a Canon NPC," Elara realized. "She has access to the world data! She's not just an idiot; she's a walking lore dump!"
"Follow me!" Canon-Jen said, suddenly sprinting. "I know a shortcut! Through the Poison Swamp!"
"No!" Patchwork-Jen yelled. "Not the Poison Swamp!"
But Canon-Jen ran straight into a glowing green bog.
"My health is dropping!" Canon-Jen announced cheerfully. "I am poisoned! Help!"
"I hate this mission," Patchwork-Jen groaned, wading into the sludge.
The Crystal Tower
They reached the base of the Space Needle (Wizard Tower). It was guarded by a dragon.
Not Ignis. This was a Generic Dragon. Red scales, breathing fire, zero personality.
"Ignis!" Elara shouted. "Are you in there?"
The dragon roared. It swiped a claw, knocking over a market stall.
"That's not Ignis," Li said. "Ignis has better posture. And he would be eating the stall, not destroying it."
"It's a texture swap," Elara said. "Elara-Zero replaced Ignis with a stock asset because he defected."
"We can't fight a dragon," Rex said. "Our weapons are nerfed. My horse is out of gas."
"We don't fight it," Elara said. She looked at Canon-Jen, who was currently trying to pet the dragon's tail.
"Canon-Jen!" Elara shouted. "Do you have any items?"
"I have apples!" Canon-Jen beamed. She held up a basket.
"Are they normal apples?"
"They are 'Quest Items'!" Canon-Jen said. "They restore 100% HP and cure all status effects!"
"Give them to the dragon!"
Canon-Jen tossed an apple. The Generic Dragon caught it. CHOMP.
The dragon froze. Its red scales turned gold. Its eyes widened.
"I... I feel great!" the Dragon spoke (in Ignis's voice). "The heartburn! It is gone!"
"Ignis?" Elara asked.
The dragon shimmered. The "Generic" texture peeled away, revealing Ignis in his orange tracksuit (now rendered as a Jester's Outfit).
"She skinned me!" Ignis yelled, looking at his motley clothes. "She turned me into a generic mob! I was locked inside the code!"
"We freed you," Li said. "Now, get us into the tower."
"Gladly," Ignis growled. He turned to the heavy oak doors of the tower. "I call this move: The Door Dash."
He kicked the door.
SMASH.
The team ran inside.
The lobby of the Crystal Tower was a maze of floating staircases and magical portraits that followed you with their eyes.
"The server room is at the top," Elara said. "In the Spire."
"Warning," Canon-Jen said, stopping abruptly. Her pathfinding had broken again. She was walking into a wall. "Enemy approaching. Boss Music detected."
The air grew cold.
Descending the floating staircase was Canon-Aldren.
But he wasn't the sparkling Romance Vampire anymore. He was armored in black plate mail. His eyes glowed with blue magic. He held a sword made of ice.
"The Romance DLC failed," Canon-Aldren announced, his voice distorted and deep. "So Elara-Zero re-spec'd me. I am no longer a Lover. I am a Raid Boss."
He pointed his sword at the team.
[BOSS ENCOUNTER: THE FROST KNIGHT]
"He's tanky," Li observed. "Look at that armor rating."
"And I," Patchwork-Aldren stepped forward, "am wearing a ruffled shirt and breeches. This is a mismatch."
"Not necessarily," Elara grinned. She pulled out the vial of Liquid Conformity they had stolen from the cafe.
"Jen," Elara whispered. "You still have the Manager's Keycard?"
"It's a barcode scanner now," Jen said.
"Scan him," Elara said. "If he's a Raid Boss, he has loot tables. We can hack his drop rate."
Patchwork-Aldren drew his rapier (which was actually a breadstick he grabbed from the Troll). "I will distract him. En garde, you sellout!"
The two Aldrens clashed. Ice met Breadstick.
CLANG.
"You cannot defeat me!" Canon-Aldren roared. "I have Phase Two!"
He began to transform into a giant ice-bat.
"Now, Jen!"
Jen aimed the scanner. BEEP.
[LOOT TABLE ACCESSED.][DROP: ARMOR OF THE FROST KING.][CHANCE: 0.01%]
"The drop rate is too low!" Jen yelled.
"Elara! Do the thing!"
Elara threw the vial of Liquid Conformity at the scanner.
"I'm editing the RNG!" Elara shouted. "If we can't beat him, we'll farm him!"
She smashed the vial. The liquid hit the scanner beam.
[GLITCH DETECTED.][DROP RATE MODIFIED: 100%]
Canon-Aldren froze mid-transformation. His armor suddenly popped off his body.
POP. POP. POP.
The black plate mail fell to the floor. Canon-Aldren was left standing in his boxer shorts (which were heart-patterned).
"My stats!" Canon-Aldren shrieked. "I am naked! This is not canon!"
"Loot him!" Rex shouted.
Patchwork-Aldren grabbed the armor. He put it on. It resized instantly to fit him.
"I feel..." Patchwork-Aldren flexed. Black ice swirled around him. "...powerful. And edgy."
"You cheated!" Canon-Aldren cried, covering himself with his wings.
"It's called 'Exploiting the Meta'," Elara said. "Let's go!"
They ran up the stairs, leaving the shivering Raid Boss behind.
"I hate this server!" Canon-Aldren yelled.
The Spire
They reached the top. The room was dominated by a massive, glowing crystal—the Source of the Fantasy Texture Pack.
Elara-Zero stood in front of it. She wasn't fighting. She was waiting.
"You made it," Elara-Zero said. She looked tired. "You broke the genre. You exploited the mechanics. You escorted the NPC."
She looked at Canon-Jen, who was currently walking in circles muttering about apples.
"You are persistent," Elara-Zero admitted. "But you are still glitches."
She raised her hand. The crystal pulsed.
"I am initializing The Monologue Field," Elara-Zero said. "You cannot interrupt me. You cannot skip. You will listen to my backstory until your will breaks."
A golden dome trapped them.
[CUTSCENE STARTED. SKIP BUTTON DISABLED.]
"My journey began," Elara-Zero began, her voice echoing perfectly, "before the stars were born..."
"Oh no," Li groaned, sitting down. "It is another lore dump."
Elara looked at her team. They were trapped. Aldren in his stolen armor. Rex with his electric horse-lyre. Jen holding her glitchy doppelganger.
"We can't interrupt her," Elara whispered. "But we can... multitask."
She looked at Vex the Succubus (who had been hiding in Ignis's pocket this whole time).
"Vex," Elara whispered. "Can you seduce a force field?"
Vex peeked out. "Honey, I can seduce a concept."
"Good," Elara grinned. "Because we're about to make this cutscene very awkward."