The end of the world didn't smell like brimstone or ozone anymore. It smelled like cheap, synthetic roses and desperation.
Elara Vance stood behind the counter of the Meow & Bow, staring in horror at the espresso machine. It wasn't broken. It was... blooming.
Every time she pulled a shot, rose petals cascaded out of the portafilter instead of coffee. The steam wand whistled a jaunty, seductive tune that sounded suspiciously like a saxophone solo. And the milk? The milk had turned pink.
"I cannot work like this!" Jen shouted, throwing her apron onto the floor. "I tried to make a latte, and the foam arranged itself into a heart! A perfect, un-poppable heart! Customers are complaining that their drinks are 'too intimate'!"
"It's the new patch," Elara said, looking out the window.
The "Gold Master" invasion had shifted gears. The high-definition textures were still there, but now, a filter had been applied to the world. Everything was soft-focus. The lighting was permanently set to "Golden Hour." Lens flares drifted lazily through the air, even indoors.
And the music...
Careless Whisper (or a legally distinct version of it) was playing from the sky on an infinite loop.
"It is the Romance DLC," Aldren Vance groaned from the corner.
The Patchwork Vampire Lord was huddled in the darkest shadow he could find, but the "Romance Filter" was fighting him. Every time he tried to brood, a sparkle effect appeared around his head.
"I feel... yearning," Aldren whispered, clutching his chest. "I do not want to yearn! I want to lurk! But the narrative gravity... it is forcing me to make prolonged eye contact!"
"Where is Li?" Elara asked.
"Hiding in the walk-in fridge," Jen said. "He said his Qi cannot handle the 'Pink Energy.' He's trying to lower his body temperature to avoid falling in love."
Suddenly, the front door chimed. Ding-Dong~
It wasn't a normal chime. It was a wedding bell.
Stepping into the cafe was Canon-Aldren.
He was blinding. His ruffled shirt was unbuttoned to a degree that violated health codes. His skin didn't just sparkle; it refracted light like a disco ball made of diamonds. He held a single, long-stemmed red rose.
"Greetings, my tragic reflections," Canon-Aldren purred. His voice had so much reverb it shook the cups on the shelf. "I noticed your timeline was lacking in... Passion."
"Get out," Patchwork-Aldren hissed, standing up. "You smell like a candle shop."
"And you smell like dust and repressed emotions," Canon-Aldren countered, stepping forward. He didn't walk; he glided. "Elara-Zero realized that the Patchwork Reality is fundamentally flawed because it lacks a 'Romantic Subplot.' A story without romance is just... content. So, I have installed the Heartthrob Protocol."
He snapped his fingers.
Pink mist exploded through the room.
"I will give everyone a pairing!" Canon-Aldren declared. "Elara! You need a brooding bad boy with a heart of gold!" He pointed to himself.
"Pass," Elara said, grabbing a biscotti like a dagger.
"Jen! You need a 'Rivals-to-Lovers' arc!" He pointed at the toaster.
"I will not date an appliance again!" Jen shouted. "I learned my lesson with the Sassy Toaster!"
"And for the Monk..." Canon-Aldren's eyes gleamed. "We need something... spicy. Something 'Forbidden'."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a glowing pink crystal. He threw it onto the floor.
POOF.
Smoke curled up, forming the shape of a heart. From the smoke emerged a woman.
She was designed to be the ultimate "Femme Fatale." She had horns, bat wings, and an outfit made entirely of leather straps and questionable physics. Her eyes glowed neon pink.
Vex (The Succubus).
"I have been summoned," Vex announced, striking a pose that defied spinal anatomy. "I seek the Protagonist! I seek to tempt him from the path of righteousness!"
She looked around the room.
She saw Canon-Aldren (Too shiny). She saw Ignis, the human-dragon in a tracksuit, who was currently eating a box of chocolates he found on the floor. (Too greasy). She saw Patchwork-Aldren. (Too sad).
Then, the walk-in fridge door opened.
Li Wusheng stepped out, shivering. He was wearing his thermal underwear and a towel wrapped around his head. He looked like a wet, angry potato.
Vex froze. Her demon vision scanned him.
[TARGET ACQUIRED][SPIRITUAL PRESSURE: MASSIVE][VIBE: IMMOVABLE OBJECT]
"Oh my," Vex whispered, biting her lip. "Look at that... aura. It's so... repressed."
Li blinked. "Demon! Begone! I have no candy for you!"
"He's playing hard to get," Vex gasped. "My favorite trope."
She launched herself across the room. "Senpai! Notice me!"
"Do not notice her, Li!" Elara shouted. "It's a trap! It's a trope trap!"
Li panicked. "Dao of the Evasive Willow!"
He tried to side-step. But the "Romance DLC" had altered the physics engine. Instead of dodging, Li tripped.
He fell... directly into Vex's arms.
SLOW MOTION EFFECT ACTIVATED.
Li looked up, horrified. Vex looked down, delighted. Background flowers bloomed.
"Your skin..." Vex whispered. "It is so... calloused. Like a warrior."
"It is dry skin!" Li shouted, scrambling away. "I need moisturizer! Unhand me, temptress!"
"He's shy!" Vex squealed, chasing him around the tables. "Come back! Let me steal your soul! Or at least your number!"
"Stop this!" Patchwork-Aldren roared. "This is undignified! This is not Gothic! This is... Young Adult Paranormal Romance!"
He charged at Canon-Aldren.
"I challenge you!" Patchwork-Aldren yelled. "A duel! Vampire to Vampire! Winner deletes the DLC!"
"Challenge accepted," Canon-Aldren laughed. "But in the Romance Zone... we do not fight with claws. We fight with Tension."
Canon-Aldren dropped his rapier. He walked straight up to Patchwork-Aldren. He got into his personal space.
"What... what are you doing?" Patchwork-Aldren stammered, backing up until he hit the wall.
SLAM.
Canon-Aldren slammed his hand against the wall, trapping Patchwork-Aldren.
[MOVE: KABEDON (WALL SLAM)][EFFECT: +50% HEART RATE]
"Look at you," Canon-Aldren whispered, staring deep into his doppelganger's eyes. "You claim to be darkness. But I see the fear in your eyes. You're afraid... of feeling."
"I am afraid of your cologne!" Patchwork-Aldren choked. "It smells like a department store explosion!"
"Denial," Canon-Aldren tsked. "Classic tsundere behavior."
He leaned in closer.
"Stop it!" Patchwork-Aldren shrieked. "I am uncomfortable! I need a coffin! I need a bat!"
He tried to transform.
POOF.
Instead of bats, Patchwork-Aldren turned into... a flock of white doves.
"Coo?" Patchwork-Aldren asked, flapping uselessly.
"Beautiful," Canon-Aldren sighed. "Even your defense mechanism is symbolic of peace."
"Elara!" Ignis shouted from the corner. "The sparkle-vampire is winning! The cringe levels are critical!"
Elara looked at her tablet. The "Romance DLC" was rewriting the cafe's code. The walls were turning pink. The menu was changing from "Espresso" to "Love Potions."
"We can't fight the Romance with Romance," Elara realized. "We need to break the mood."
She looked at Ignis. "Ignis! How many of those chocolates did you eat?"
"All of them," Ignis said, burping. "And the box."
"Perfect," Elara said. "I need you to be disgusting."
"I was born for this," Ignis nodded.
Elara turned to Jen. "Jen! The espresso machine! Turn off the steam wand and turn on the... the drain cleaning cycle!"
"On it!"
"Li!" Elara yelled at the monk, who was currently hanging from the ceiling fan while Vex tried to fly up to him. "Stop running! Reject the premise!"
"How?" Li screamed. "She is persistent! She interprets my mantras as poetry!"
"Tell her something unsexy!" Elara yelled. "Talk about... talk about taxes! Talk about your joint pain!"
Li stopped spinning. He looked down at Vex.
"Demon!" Li shouted. "My lower back aches when it rains! And I am concerned about the rising cost of municipal utilities!"
Vex froze mid-air. Her neon eyes flickered.
"Utilities?" Vex asked. "That's... that's not in the script."
"Also," Li continued, "I have a fungus on my toe that requires a special cream!"
Vex recoiled. "Eww. Wait. You're supposed to be mysterious!"
"I am elderly and frugal!" Li roared.
The pink mist began to thin. The background music faltered.
"Ignis! Now!" Elara commanded.
Ignis stood up. He summoned the power of his dragon heritage... and the twenty pounds of chocolate he had just eaten.
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP.
It was a belch of seismic proportions. It smelled of sulfur and cocoa. It shattered the "Golden Hour" lighting. The lens flares popped like bubbles.
"Gross!" Canon-Aldren gasped, breaking his Wall Slam pose. He covered his nose with a silk handkerchief. "The atmosphere! It is ruined!"
Patchwork-Aldren seized the moment. He turned back from a dove into a man.
"You want darkness?" Patchwork-Aldren hissed. He grabbed a bucket of mop water Jen had left out.
"Have some reality."
He threw the dirty mop water over Canon-Aldren.
SPLASH.
The grey, soapy sludge hit the sparkling vampire. The sparkles died. The ruffled shirt clung to him, heavy and wet. His perfect hair collapsed.
"My aesthetic!" Canon-Aldren screamed. "I look... soggy!"
"You look like a wet dog," Patchwork-Aldren sneered. "And there is nothing romantic about a wet dog."
The "Romance DLC" crashed.
[SYSTEM ERROR: MOOD KILLER DETECTED.][UNINSTALLING PATCH...]
The pink walls turned back to brick. The rose petals turned into coffee grounds. The music stopped with a record scratch.
Canon-Aldren shivered, wet and miserable. "You... you monsters. You have no appreciation for beauty."
He tapped his wrist, summoning a recall beam.
"I am leaving! I must go condition my hair!"
Canon-Aldren vanished in a beam of light.
But Vex... Vex didn't vanish.
The succubus was hovering near the ceiling fan, looking at Li Wusheng. She looked confused. Disgusted. But also... intrigued.
"Toe fungus," Vex whispered to herself. "So brave. So... honest."
"She is still here," Li noted with horror. "Why is she still here?"
"Because she glitched," Elara said, checking her tablet. "The DLC uninstalled, but Vex interacted with a 'Patchwork' entity. She's stuck in our save file now."
Vex floated down. She landed on the counter. She looked at Li.
"You think you can scare me off with hygiene issues?" Vex grinned, revealing sharp fangs. "Nice try, monk. But I love a fixer-upper."
Li groaned. "I am doomed."
Ignis wiped his mouth. "Hey, are there any more chocolates? I ate the box, but I'm still hungry."
Elara looked at the mess in the cafe. The romance was gone, replaced by the smell of mop water and dragon-burps.
"Well," Elara said. "We survived the Dating Sim level."
"But Elara-Zero is still out there," Jen warned, pointing across the street.
The Gold Standard cafe was glowing brighter than ever. And above it, a massive hologram of Elara-Zero appeared.
"Patchwork Team," Elara-Zero's voice boomed. "You resisted the Romance. Very well. If you will not accept 'Love'... perhaps you will accept 'Commerce'."
The hologram shifted. It showed a new graph.
[MARKET SHARE: 99%][MEOW & BOW: 1%]
"I am initiating the Hostile Takeover Protocol," Elara-Zero announced. "Prepare for the ultimate enemy: Gentrification."