The seventh year of the Apocalypse reign, eighth day of the eighth month—
a date so auspicious that even professional fortune-tellers would feel morally obligated to accept tips.
Naturally, this became the official opening day of the newly completed Temple of Dao Xuan Tianzun.
Never mind that the temple had been finished two days earlier.
Facts are facts—but in the presence of auspicious timing, facts are expected to step aside quietly and stop making trouble.
San Shier, Madam Third, Gao Yiye, and the village chief all reached the same scholarly conclusion after deep discussion:
"August Eight sounds lucky."
Therefore, the building must not be considered complete until August Eight.
This was how bureaucracy was born.
On the grand day itself, more than a hundred villagers donned their cleanest clothes—which mostly meant garments that had been washed at least once and successfully dried in the sun—and lined up in something resembling order.
From a distance, it looked like several school classes preparing for a flag-raising ceremony.
Up close, it looked like poverty attempting dignity.
Gao Yiye stood at the center.
She wore flowing white robes, her face painted to the level of "goddess descending from a cloud, sponsored by human sacrifice." She knelt solemnly before the freshly christened structure:
Dao Xuan Tianzun Cave.
Why a temple was called a cave was simple.
Ming naming conventions followed the same principle as imperial edicts:
if it sounded grand enough, logic was optional.
Still, credit where it was due—
The Dao Xuan Tianzun Cave was the most luxurious structure in Gaojia Village's entire history.
Stone foundation.
Careful carpentry.
Enough bright paint to make it visible to archers from half the prefecture away.
Inside stood the divine statue.
Exquisitely carved. Perfect proportions.
With only one flaw:
It was 32% more handsome and 320% more majestic than Li Daoxuan himself.
Li Daoxuan stared through the magnifying window for several seconds and briefly considered reaching in, yanking the statue out, and selling it to Master Cai for a very reasonable five-digit price.
But then he saw the villagers bowing so earnestly that he sighed.
Fine.
I'll be a decent person today.
Gao Yiye began the ceremonial prayer.
Last time, she'd stumbled like a student reading classical prose for the first time.
This time, her delivery was smooth—almost respectable.
A week under Madam Third's ruthless tutoring had produced results.
She finished a paragraph and lifted her hand grandly.
"Ring the bell!"
Gao Chuwu stepped forward, gripping a sledgehammer.
Because subtlety is for scholars.
"WHONG—!"
"WHONG—!"
"WHONG—!"
The bronze bell rang out slow and heavy, echoing with genuine solemnity.
It was clearly the work of Blacksmith Li Da and his apprentice Gao Yiyi—men whose talents leaned heavily toward religious artifacts and not the iron armor Li Daoxuan had ordered half a month ago.
Fantastic, Li Daoxuan thought.
I asked for armor and received holiness instead.
This is how all official instructions die—quietly, inside a craftsman's workshop.
The ceremony concluded.
The Dao Xuan Tianzun Cave was officially open.
Villagers entered one by one, knelt before the statue, and kowtowed loudly. Peasants in ritual mode were nothing if not enthusiastic.
Li Daoxuan watched closely.
One villager bowed five times.
"May Tianzun bless us with good weather and a rich harvest next year!"
Simple wish, Li Daoxuan thought.
I already plan to water your fields daily. Even if the entire Ming Empire dries up, you'll still think Heaven favors this place.
Feeling generous—and mischievous—he instructed:
"Yiye. Tell him it's approved."
Gao Yiye straightened instantly, voice solemn.
"Rise. Tianzun has granted your wish."
The villager froze.
"…Truly?"
"Just now," she confirmed gravely.
The man staggered out laughing—then panicked halfway, remembered he hadn't bowed properly, rushed back in, kowtowed like his life depended on it, and sprinted out shouting:
"It's granted! We can plant next year! Three years of drought and now—HAHAHA!"
Madam Third lunged forward and grabbed him.
"If you get a harvest," she snapped, "don't forget to repay your vow!"
"Yes! Absolutely!"
And he ran off again.
Seeing this, the villagers lined up with the enthusiasm of taxpayers who'd just heard rumors of refunds.
Another prayed for more grain.
Approved.
Another for healthy children.
Approved.
Then—
San Shier stepped forward.
He knelt deeply, face solemn, and prayed:
"Please bless me, Tianzun, that the thing below grows longer and lasts longer, so I may possess dragon spirit and tiger vigor!"
Li Daoxuan nearly aspirated.
"Oh hell no. Yiye—kick him out."
Gao Yiye blinked, then repeated dutifully:
"Tianzun is angry. He orders you to leave immediately."
San Shier fled clutching his pet mouse, tail firmly between his legs—both metaphorically and, possibly, spiritually.
The village erupted in laughter.
Even Li Daoxuan laughed.
Then—
"DONG! DONG! DONG!"
The bamboo alarm tubes thundered from atop the wall.
"People coming!"
"Many people coming!"
The village exploded into motion like a kicked beehive.
Everyone ran toward the walls.
Li Daoxuan leaned forward, frowning.
His divine field of vision covered roughly 500 by 300 meters—perfect for the village and fields, utterly useless beyond that.
The villagers could see miles away.
They screamed warnings.
He saw nothing.
"…Seriously?" he muttered.
"How is Heaven supposed to manage anything with eyesight this bad?"
Panic spread. Peasants without structure were just chaos with legs.
Then—
San Shier changed.
The man who had just prayed for enhanced masculinity climbed the wall, took one look into the distance, and shouted like a general discovering his destiny:
"All who have weapons—grab them!"
"No weapons? Take pot lids! Brooms! Mops!"
"Sickles! Hoes!"
"I don't care—if it can hit something, bring it to the wall!"
The villagers obeyed instantly, like well-trained but deeply confused ducklings.
And thus, Gaojia Village prepared for war with:
Two spears.
Four rusty swords.
And approximately eighty-seven pieces of improvised household equipment.
Heaven watched in silence.
And sighed.