III.
Many times I've come across funny articles titled: "The Secret to a Successful Marriage" or "How to Build the Perfect Relationship."
On the one hand, they often write about general facts, simply presented in different interpretations, which almost completely negates the point of reading them. Read a couple, and you'll know the content of hundreds just like them.
On the other hand, denying a certain truth and meaning in them would be the height of foolishness. And not because all the claims—"ha!" three times—are based on some ephemeral research and statistics, but for a much more trivial and, therefore, least noticeable reason.
They are logical and born from, roughly speaking, the advanced requirements of the human psyche.
"Treat your partner with respect, don't insult their tastes and desires," "don't escalate conflict over nothing," "try to solve problems through conversation," and "always talk about how you feel." That is, to put it under a common denominator—maintain and support contact with your significant other, because, despite the wet fantasies of many authors, telepathy has not yet been invented in the real world.
The funniest thing is that this is truly enough to prevent your relationship from becoming an example of a classic drama, with smashing dishes and cheating.
It sounds like an attempt to explain the importance of basic hygiene, yet year after year, people studiously pretend as if their "eyes have been opened."
How is that possible? Just talk it out? Nonsense, no, everything must be much more complicated, definitely—with visiting a gray-haired family psychologist and watching a bunch of similar talk shows.
Sheer idiocy.
However, there is also a slight nuance in the fact that you need to be aware of who you are potentially going to spend the rest of your life with, but that often falls into the background. Hormones, so to speak, and a clear unwillingness to engage the brain do their job...
Lamenting the strangeness of human behavior, I turned the page of a glossy women's magazine, honestly taken from Komachi's extensive collection. I still don't understand why she continues to read them? She's an adult now, almost done with high school.
Although, to be frank, sometimes you come across entertaining articles in the spirit of advice to young girls from experienced ladies, from which you can glean a couple of interesting points even as a man. The same various methods of contraception with their pros and cons.
Or very peculiar food recipes, sometimes truly astonishing with their set of ingredients that seem completely incompatible. For example, sweet sushi with banana in chocolate. And even though only the name and shape-fitting remain from sushi, the very existence of such an idea inspires genuine admiration.
Hmm, only this issue has absolutely nothing about culinary delights, just a selection of new cosmetics and articles about another idol group that broke up due to a scandal with the main vocalist. Why are people so interested in the personal lives of public figures? Well, the guy likes injecting not-so-useful substances into his body, what's the big deal? It's not public, he's not inciting anyone to use—everything is quiet, without unnecessary witnesses. But no, someone dissatisfied is bound to be found.
Abandoning attempts to find anything worthwhile, I put the magazine on the coffee table and quickly got to my feet, leaving the cozy space of my favorite sofa. I could have lounged for another hour or two, as I had a legal right to—thanks to the semester break—but over the past years, useless procrastination has somehow lost its refined colors. Moreover, occasionally a crazy desire arises to do something productive. Look, I even learned to cook passably.
Speaking of the kitchen, when will my red semi-dry lover arrive? Everything will get cold.
No sooner had I thought of it than the sound of a key in the lock rang out. How can you not believe in omens after that?...
— Darling, I'm back, and no one's waiting for me? — a voice came from the hallway.
Sighing, I scratched my cheek and slowly shuffled toward the corridor.
— Was I supposed to sit on the doorstep, tongue hanging out and holding a dog leash? — I asked gently, approaching the girl who was trying to deal with a scarf, the end of which was caught in the coat zipper.
— Oh, did you find my secret diary with my hidden desires? — Haruno pressed her palms to her cheeks, which were pink from the cold, allowing me to help with her problem. I told her, and more than once: tie it over the jacket immediately; life will be simpler. But where would we be, style is everything...
— No, on the contrary—I tried to express through clear irony the soul-consuming desire for domination over myself in the most arbitrary forms. But I won't forget about the diary. I'll definitely look for it next time, — I swore to Yukinoshita, simultaneously managing to free her from the woolen captivity, earning a kiss on the cheek.
— Even so? — she clicked her tongue, getting rid of her shoes with noticeable relief. — In that case, I'll have to find a suitable leather outfit. Or should we start with something simple? For example...
The girl, actively swaying her hips, approached and ran a finger along my neck, dropping lower, and pulling down my T-shirt, she scratched my chest with her nail.
— Will you go with your "mistress" to the shower, where you'll help her scrub her back? — In addition to the tempting tone, Haruno looked into my eyes with an obvious hint as to what we would eventually move on to during the washing process.
However, no matter how tempting the offer sounded—the joint trip to the bath, of course, not the leather outfit!—I gently moved her hand aside and, leaning toward her ear, whispered insinuatingly:
— If the steak I prepared gets cold and turns into rubber, then I'll be the one taking the sadist position.
— Sounds appealing, — Yukinoshita narrowed her eyes.
— Really? — Apparently, someone is in a playful mood. However, playing along won't be a problem. — Then you certainly won't mind being tied up, without the ability to move...
The girl purred approvingly, unbuttoning her office blazer in the meantime.
— Continue...
— And I, sitting opposite, will delightedly eat fresh chocolate muffins, washing them down with ginger tea, — I finished the phrase with a bright smile on my lips.
— Hachiman... you wouldn't dare... — Realizing my plan, she "shockedly" widened her eyes and put her palm to her mouth. — Such blatant cruelty is not your style!
— My tastes are very specific...
Blinking, Haruno snapped out of the image of a frightened victim, looking at me with a questioning raised eyebrow.
— Seriously? That exact quote? — open surprise was audible in her voice.
— I said, "specific tastes," — hiding my slight embarrassment, I shrugged and turned my back to the girl, not wanting to continue the conversation, as I had managed to slightly vulgarize it. Although, it seemed like the phrase of one popular character would be appropriate.
What can I do, no one is immune to mistakes...
— I guess I'll pretend I didn't hear that, — Haruno scoffed and, walking past, flirtatiously asked. — Are you sure you don't want to join me?
She's deliberately pressing, the pest. But I won't succumb to such low provocations.
— Go on already, woman, — slightly pushing her back, I tried to convey in my tone the lack of desire to waste hot water.
— You're only responsible for the latter. Be that as it may, look, I'm not locking the door, — the girl smirked and, getting rid of her shirt as she went—why does she wear black lace lingerie to work?—disappeared into the bathroom.
Exhaling in relief, I shook my head, praising the composure developed over years of relationship. At the very beginning, I probably would have given up on everything and snapped. I'm growing, it seems.
Automatically adjusting her crookedly placed shoes, I scratched the tingling tip of my nose and ambled into the kitchen, estimating the probability that dinner would still have to be reheated.
...A funny fact caught the edge of my consciousness.
From the outside, I look like a true househusband.
***
— Haruno, is it absolutely necessary to do this without properly drying your hair?
— Yes, — the girl answered flatly, further confirming it by rubbing her head even harder against my knees, completely soaking my sweatpants. — And besides, I'm still mad at you for refusing!
Leaning back against the sofa, which we had chosen as our resting place after a hearty dinner, I let out a short chuckle.
— And how can I atone for such a terrible sin, which weighs my conscience down heavily?
— I don't know. You figure it out now, — Yukinoshita shrugged and, glancing sideways, chuckled. — Wow, someone decided to learn the meaning of life?
Stretching out her hand, miraculously not tumbling onto the floor in the process, she snatched the women's magazine I was flipping through earlier from the coffee table.
— Are there other ways to penetrate the depths of your mysterious mind? — I probably should have put it away somewhere after all. However, I don't see anything objectionable in my actions—no matter how "tabloid" the press is, you can still find something useful in it.
— I heard they've allowed the use of the electric chair again in the States, — Haruno noted, quickly scanning the pages.
— I'm afraid to imagine how that form of execution is connected to understanding your thoughts.
— That's why you'll never know their meaning, — she replied in a teaching tone. — Hmm, look, what a funny phrase...
Lifting the magazine into the air, the girl poked a neat fingernail at a bold quote in the middle of the glossy spread.
"If a man doesn't live in his own territory, the woman stops respecting and loving him."
— Should I interpret this as a subtle hint? — I raised an eyebrow mockingly. — In that case, I ask to be notified two weeks prior about the termination of our relationship so I can prepare my things and necessary documents.
— Will we sue over jointly acquired property? — my little viper asked pointedly, maintaining an unruffled expression.
— First, we need to determine the exact meaning of the term, since we bought the bed with shared money, — taking the magazine, I rolled it up and threw it onto the armchair by the wall. There, out of harm's way. — But I get the right side; it doesn't squeak!
— No problem, the left side has convenient drawers, — brazenly throwing her feet onto the armrest of the sofa, Haruno stretched out like a cat, almost hitting my nose with her palm by pure accident. — By the way, I finally managed to secure a couple of weeks of vacation.
I involuntarily whistled, assessing the magnitude of the "gift" that had fallen on the girl's head. Given her busy schedule and constant meetings, getting a whole half-month of free time... even thinking about it sounds suspicious.
— And where did such incredible generosity come from? Did you manage to dig up dirt on your own management?
— No! Purely through my own efforts and increased performance! — Yukinoshita lifted her nose proudly, but, meeting my skeptical gaze, she rolled her eyes. — Alright, alright, a major audit is coming, and Mother decided to ship me off somewhere far away just in case.
— Now I believe you, — chuckling, I dodged her attempt to flick the tip of my nose, retaliating by biting the index finger she didn't manage to pull back. I answered her offended glare with a sweet grin.
— You used to behave much more maturely, — Haruno grumbled, but she didn't hold the grudge for long, immediately shocking me with the next piece of news: — So, decide: Italy, Eastern Europe, or China.
Ah, yes. How could I forget about my partner's wonderful trait of a constant thirst for traveling to new places? In recent years, I've visited more places with her than in my entire life combined. And probably combined with a couple of past lives, because something tells me that my past incarnations also didn't burn with any particular desire to leave the confines of four walls.
— Is there no choice within Japan? — I clarified just in case, kicking my inner misanthrope, who weakly raised his paws in the air, crying out about the unfairness of existence.
— Darling, we've been almost everywhere; there's nothing interesting left here, — just as I thought, I'll have to endure a plane ride again.
Not that I was vehemently against it; on the contrary, trips in Haruno's company always had a peculiar charm with accompanying adventures, which the girl managed to find with enviable regularity, sometimes in places where nothing unusual could, in principle, happen.
I wonder if those temple priests still remember us? It's been about two years since that incident. Fortunately, we were wearing masks then, otherwise, a terrible scandal would have erupted...
— Got it. When are we leaving? — I shifted slightly to the side, transferring Yukinoshita's weight to my other leg, as the original spot had already gone a little numb.
— You agreed so easily? — genuine surprise sounded in my lover's voice. — I don't believe it.
Getting up from her makeshift "pillow"—rejoice, thighs!—the girl got on all fours, practically nudging my nose with her forehead.
— Hachiman, usually we argue about this for at least half an hour, or even an hour, after which, getting heated, we end the argument in the only correct way, — a spark of suspicion burned in her narrowed eyes. — I don't understand, why the sudden change?
— You realize that your complaints now reek of a hint that someone here can't restrain their own libido? — considering that she had made two unambiguous hints about it in the past few hours.
Haruno drew back, frowning and folding her arms across her chest. Given the fact that she had put on my shirt after the shower, carelessly fastening a couple of buttons in the center and not bothering to wear a bra underneath, the view was extremely pleasing.
And again, thanks to long-learned mantras and willpower training, the involuntary desire to commit all sorts of indecencies was successfully suppressed for the time being. Although with noticeable difficulty.
Seeing her in that outfit after the shower, I nearly dropped the frying pan along with my jaw. Yes, I understand, we've been together for a long time, and I should be used to it, but, for the love of all that is holy, Yukinoshita truly possessed a beautiful and captivating appearance, which only intensified its effect on my poor heart with age.
— Yes, you're completely right, — did she decide to repeat my impromptu violation of all accepted family rules? That's not fair. — Because of work and your exams, for the past two months, we've only managed to see each other in the evenings, and even then, there wasn't enough energy for any activities. I want it too!
Towards the end, Haruno let a portion of sincere disappointment slip into her tone.
Coughing awkwardly, I scratched the back of my head, looking away.
— What? Are you tired of me? Or are you drawn to young university students, right? — the girl abruptly grabbed my shoulders and practically shoved me onto the sofa, hovering over me. — I shouldn't have failed to assign you a bodyguard when I had the chance.
Lightning flashed in her eyes, her lips were tightly pressed, and her entire appearance spoke of her practically seething with typical feminine anger.
However, instead of starting to make excuses, I laughed quietly.
— Yandere mode is excluded from the list; her personality is too unsuitable, — calming down, I freed my right arm and, stretching it out, gently smoothed Haruno's wet strands of hair.
— Hey, actually, a jealous tsundere. Have you completely lost your understanding? — Yukinoshita clicked her tongue, brazenly seating herself on my lap.
— I can't help it. Monotonous, cliché titles have knocked out any desire I had to delve further into the subject, — I replied, watching with a raised eyebrow as the girl businesslikely lifted my T-shirt. — However, it seems a part of your complaints have real grounds.
— Incredible deduction and analysis of consumer requests. After graduation, with such skills, a position as head of one of Father's company departments awaits you, — my lover scoffed, tossing the unnecessary article of clothing aside, openly admiring my torso.
— Are you encouraging me to use my family status for career advancement? Who do you take me for? — I feigned indignation, simultaneously helping Haruno get rid of her shirt, which didn't take long.
Yes, no matter what anyone says, there's no better sight in the world than a half-naked girl sitting on you.
— A smart person? — Yukinoshita shook her hair. — Who definitely wouldn't turn their nose up at such an offer.
Shaking my head in amazement, I lifted myself up and, grabbing her by the waist, pulled her closer, so that her ample breasts pleasantly pressed into mine.
— How well you know me, — I drawled, heating Haruno's lips with my breath.
— I can say the same in return, — my lover smiled flirtatiously. — I really know you well.
And, without letting me reply, she kissed me, shamelessly grinding her firm butt against the bulge in my pants.
Well, it seems it's time to turn off my brain.
In matters of this nature, thinking only gets in the way...
***
— We'll need to order a new coffee table, — Haruno, wrapped in a sheet, mumbled lazily, slowly sipping wine from a glass.
I glanced at the piece of furniture broken in half.
Well, sometimes surges of passion lead to completely unexpected consequences.
— In that case, we'll choose a stronger one, — yawning, I wiped my damp hair and put the towel aside, flopping down next to the girl. I could have grabbed some alcohol for myself too, but I didn't have a strong desire for it.
Leaning against the back of the sofa, I winced slightly, feeling a tangible sting of pain in my scratched back. A cat—a true cat, nothing less.
— By the way, — without dwelling on it, Yukinoshita leaned against my shoulder, thoughtfully looking out the window, where heavy snowfall was occurring. — We never actually decided exactly where we're going.
Chuckling, I hugged my lover, exhaling loudly through my nose.
A trip, huh...
— Well, essentially, wherever you want—that's where we'll go, — and I added with a wicked smile: — It's on your dime anyway.
— Do you have to point that out? — Haruno asked with a good dose of irony, setting her glass aside and taking my hand. — Especially since in a year, it will be ours.
Casting a brief glance at the wedding ring on her ring finger, I let out a short chuckle.
Sometimes I really forget the obvious things.
IV.
— You did this on purpose, didn't you? — Atsuko groaned, looking with horror at the shirt decorated with prints of pineapples dancing with spruce cones.
— It's your own fault, — I shrugged, not hiding my smirk. — You need to understand what you're talking about in the company of friends.
— That was ten whole years ago!
— Fortunately, I have an excellent memory.
Apparently fighting the urge to toss the frightening garment far away, Tanaka looked plaintively toward his wife, who merely laughed.
— Come on, it's not like you'll wear it to work, right? — Yuigahama sympathetically patted her husband's shoulder, bending down with difficulty because of her voluminous belly. However, instead of the expected comfort, her husband only turned paler, fully realizing the landmine she had just planted.
And, of course, missing such a delicious opportunity is not my style.
— Brilliant idea, Yui! — I mentally pictured the reaction of the company employees when they saw the perpetually stern deputy manager in such an outfit. — It will certainly boost your husband's reputation, as there's nothing better for that than a good dose of laughter.
— In that case, be prepared for sabotage on my part, — Atsuko mumbled, and knowing his nature, he really is capable of causing me minor trouble. However, if someone had asked him for something like this in high school—he would have rolled his eyes.
Yet time and the surrounding company have funny properties for changing a person's character in a completely unexpected direction.
— By the way, Hachiman, — Puppy poked a fork at the piece of meat on her plate with interest. — Did you cook this yourself?
— Yup, — I didn't hide the notes of pride. — Do you like it?
— I don't know, — Yui replied carelessly. — I don't want to try it.
— Why? — I was slightly surprised.
— It's too red.
I blinked, looking at Atsuko. The man, meeting my gaze, silently nodded, conveying all his pain related to his wife's changed tastes with a single look.
And I understood him perfectly.
I had to go through similar trials myself, thankfully, we aren't planning to repeat them with Haruno for the next few years.
— Hikigaya! — a shout came from the opposite corner of the room. — Tell me one simple thing: why couldn't you be as sweet as your son?
Rolling my eyes, I motioned for Tanaka to find something on the table to feed his wife, who hadn't eaten anything all evening, and then got up, heading toward the rest of the company, huddled near the armchair in the corner.
— And what was the point of your complaint just now, Ice Queen? — I asked Yukino, who was looking at me with a challenge in her eyes for some reason.
— Don't call me that! — my friend protested, cheeks flushed. Judging by the empty glasses nearby, the reason for the flush could be guessed.
— As soon as you remember that I haven't been Hikigaya for three years, then maybe I'll consider your suggestion, — I smirked, looking questioningly at my wife, who was comfortably settled in the armchair nearby.
— Darling, is something wrong? — the woman tilted her head, pretending not to understand my "silent" complaints.
After all, I've asked her more than once not to get her younger sister drunk.
Yes, I understand, it always leads to amusing consequences, plus, afterward, you can always arrange a session of "condemnation and active embarrassment" for a certain person, flaunting the collected dirt.
However!
— Fine, forget it, — waving her off, Yukino snatched the phone from her relative's hands and practically shoved the screen in my face. — Answer: why can't you be so adorable?
Taking a step back, I examined the image that had managed to agitate Ice Queen so much.
Okay, question withdrawn.
Not only did the picture show a cheerfully smiling toddler with familiar facial features, reaching out his arms to the photographer, but he was also dressed in pajamas styled as a panda costume.
A combination that my friend simply couldn't resist.
— Who told you that I wasn't as charming as Akihiko when I was a child? — I took the phone away from her just in case, as swinging it around like that greatly risked breaking the gadget.
Yukino froze, gave me an unreadable look, and snorted loudly.
— Hik... Yukinoshita! — falling silent, the girl paused again briefly, and with a kind of childish resentment in her voice, she grumbled: — Kami, should I call you by your given name now?
— What is it, little sister? Is it still hard for you to accept the fact that Hachiman shares our surname? — Haruno smiled wickedly, fully enjoying the situation.
— Which you still owe me for, by the way, — I didn't miss the opportunity to point out, reminding my wife of my agreement to change my "clan." — Although, if Ice Queen were a boy, there wouldn't be such problems...
— Hey! — Yukino frowned, swaying slightly.
How does she constantly get so "carried away" after a couple of glasses?...
— The fact that Mother accepted him as a "son" means nothing to me, — gathering her strength, she stated flatly. — Just like the fact that he manages several of our firms. Something else is important...
Walking right up to me, she boldly poked my chest with her finger.
— Where's Akihiko, you bastard? I wanted to hug him!
— Precisely for that reason, my son stayed with Komachi, — I mentally thanked my sister, who, without much stubbornness, agreed to babysit the child.
— Are you afraid that I might harm my nephew? — Yukino stumbled back in shock and, losing her balance, fell directly onto Haruno's lap.
My wife didn't hesitate for long and, smiling, wrapped her arms around her sister's waist, preventing her from getting up, and then began to squeeze her.
Judging by the sparkle in her eyes—they had been drinking equally.
After struggling for propriety, Yukino gave up, again giving me an irritated look.
— If I had known it would be like this—I wouldn't have let Hiratsuka accept you into the club back then! — she unexpectedly declared, crossing her arms over her chest.
— And, consequently, deprived your wonderful sister of a loving husband and a charming son? — Haruno feigned outrage, pinching Ice Queen's side, which made her jump slightly.
— As if that would change anything, — my friend chuckled. — I'm more than certain that you would have found each other anyway.
Hearing such words, I couldn't help but whistle lightly.
— I didn't know you were...
— Because evil like you two deserves to be together! — Yukino interrupted and, hiccuping, slumped onto her sister, instantly passing out.
And it's like this every time.
Years pass, but some things remain unchanged.
For example, my dislike for public transport and Ice Queen's absolute inability to hold her liquor.
— Won't you help me carry her to the guest room? — Haruno asked sweetly, hinting that I should relieve her of the snoring burden.
— You got her drunk—you deal with it yourself.
— Are you mad? — my wife batted her eyelashes, knowing perfectly well that I was grumbling purely for appearances.
Sighing, I scratched the stubble on my chin and, mentally rolling my eyes, walked over to her, lifting the girl into my arms, who didn't react to my actions at all. Like a sack of potatoes, honestly.
Fortunately, the younger Yukinoshita is well aware of her "weakness" and doesn't allow herself to drink more than necessary in any other company.
...I wonder, can this be considered an act of trust?
***
When the guests had successfully gone home, including Yukino, whom Yui, with a wink, dragged away—I owe you a bonus, Tanaka—Haruno and I could finally breathe easily and, after cleaning up, spend our free time on something more productive.
— By the way, it completely slipped my mind: what was the occasion for us gathering? — my wife asked, yawning, brazenly throwing her leg over me.
Hugging her bare shoulder, I thoughtfully looked up at the ceiling.
— Honestly? I don't remember.
— And this is coming from the person who convinced Atsuko of his masterful memory just a few hours ago? — the woman asked with a good dose of sarcasm in her voice.
— Should I waste my already dwindling brain resources on such trivialities? — I scoffed in response.
— Darling, — she tapped my chest suggestively with her fingers. — Are you trying to imply that family life with me is killing your mind?
— Of course, — catching her palm, I kissed her knuckles. — My brain cells, blinded by love, die time and time again, falling from the roof of the skyscraper that is solely responsible for thoughts of you.
— Hachiman, with each passing year, you become more and more romantic, — my wife clicked her tongue admiringly, pressing herself closer to me.
— Thank you, — chuckling briefly, I closed my eyes, feeling drowsiness creeping up.
It's even a little unusual, lying so peacefully, not having to be ready to jump up at any second because of a child's cry.
— Did Komachi call? — Haruno asked quietly after a couple of minutes of silence, apparently thinking of Akihiko too.
— She texted, saying they successfully ate, washed up, and went to sleep.
— And how does she manage to put him down properly every time? With me, he often fusses and refuses, — the woman grumbled with a hint of dissatisfaction.
— Maybe she has a talent for working with children, — I offered the first suggestion that came to mind, frankly wanting to take advantage of the rare chance for a proper sleep.
— Or she has rich experience, due to taking care of one overgrown child, — my wife playfully put forward her theory.
— Are you hinting that I constantly shout, kick, and studiously try to shoot a pacifier at anyone who gets too close?
Laughing loudly, Haruno raised herself slightly and pecked my chin.
— I don't know the specifics, but I'm sure of one thing. Both you and Akihiko are adorable when you sleep. And both are displeased when someone disturbs you from doing it, — she brazenly poked my cheek with her finger, looking at me with "that look."
But we just finished...
— Not enough, — Haruno stated in a tone that allowed no objections, having guessed the course of my thoughts. — When will we get another chance? Or are you dissatisfied with something? For example...
I placed my finger on her lips, making her stop talking.
— I am more than satisfied.
— With everything?
Mentally rolling my eyes, I waved the white flag of the opportunity to get enough sleep.
— With everything.
...By the way, I must remember to teach my son that he needs to be extremely careful with some jokes and teasing, otherwise, they can lead to very unexpected consequences.
Although, in my case and being honest—happy consequences.
***
Note: And this is the finallle of this work, my dear readers!
Share your impressions - what you liked, what you didn't, and what you would like to see improved.
What about the style, dynamics, tempo, monologues, dialogues - I'm very interested to hear your opinion about this work.
Stay healthy, take care, happy upcoming New Year, and until next time!