Chapter 44 The Fear I Never Spoke Aloud
The sky above them was a flawless blue, washed clean by the cold of the mountains. Morning sunlight spilled gently across the land, glinting off blades of grass still heavy with dew. Each step they took released the fresh scent of earth, and the stones embedded along the path sent a faint chill through their boots. Somewhere in the distance, birds sang freely, their voices mingling with the soft whisper of the wind as wildflowers bowed and swayed, as if greeting the new day.
It was peaceful almost too peaceful.
Then
Stab.
A dull, wet sound broke the calm.
A flash of steel, crimson spilling across pale skin.
Heal.
A warm glow flared, the wound sealing itself as if it had never existed.
Stab.
Heal.
Again and again.
The rhythmic cruelty of it echoed far louder in Astrid's chest than it ever did in the open air.
She slowed her steps, her fingers curling unconsciously into her palms. Her stomach twisted. That scene no, that memory rose unbidden in her mind. Snow stained red. Alex's body thrown forward. The wolf's jaws closing in. His blood. His breath fading.
Her vision blurred.
"Alex!!"
Her voice tore through the quiet, sharp and trembling.
"Please stop doing that!"
Alex froze mid-motion. The dagger slipped from his grip, vanishing into his system as he turned toward her. Surprise flickered across his face, followed quickly by concern.
Astrid stood rigid, shoulders tight, her lips pressed together as if holding back something painful. Her eyes were wide too wide and glassy with emotion.
"Hey… hey," Alex said softly, stepping closer. He lowered his voice instinctively, as if afraid that even sound might hurt her. "What's wrong? Why do you look like that?"
Astrid inhaled, but the breath came out uneven, almost shuddering. She looked away, her teeth biting into her lower lip before she could stop herself. When she finally spoke, her voice was quieter fragile but heavy with something unresolved.
"You're… you're reminding me of the summit," she said, her fingers trembling as they clutched the fabric of her cloak. "When you did things like that. Hurting yourself without hesitation."
She swallowed hard and looked back at him, eyes shining.
"Every time you stab yourself and heal like it's nothing… I see it all over again. You being bitten by that wolf. You almost dying right in front of me." Her voice cracked. "Watching you do this makes my chest hurt. It makes me feel sick like I can't breathe."
Her arms wrapped tightly around her own body, as if trying to keep herself from falling apart or as if she were afraid he might disappear if she let go.
"I know you think you're fine," she whispered, "but to me… it feels like I'm watching you walk straight toward death again."
She stood there, vulnerable and unguarded, her worry laid bare not as a warrior, not as a Dragonborn, but simply as someone terrified of losing the person she loved.
Astrid wrapped her arms tightly around herself, fingers digging into her sleeves as if trying to steady her shaking hands. Her shoulders trembled ever so slightly. She didn't look away from Alex not because she wasn't afraid, but because she was afraid of losing sight of him. Her eyes shimmered with worry, fear, and something painfully close to tears.
That was when it finally hit him.
Not all at once but like a slow, crushing weight.
Astrid hadn't just been uncomfortable. She hadn't just been annoyed. She had been terrified. Carrying that fear quietly, hiding it behind her strength, behind her composure. And he he had been blind to it. Blind to how deeply the thought of him bleeding, breaking, dying for her had carved itself into her heart.
Alex's chest tightened.
He lowered his gaze, his shoulders slackening as guilt seeped into his expression. His voice, when he spoke, was softer than the mountain breeze around them.
"I'm sorry, Astrid," he said quietly. "I didn't realize… I didn't realize you were carrying that fear because of me."
Astrid hesitated for a heartbeat, then took a small step forward. Then another. The distance between them vanished. She lifted her hands and rested them against his shoulders, her touch careful almost fragile as if she were afraid he might break.
"I'm not scared of getting hurt myself," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I don't care if I bleed. I don't care if I fall."
Her fingers tightened slightly in his cloak.
"But when it's you…" Her breath hitched. "When I see you almost dying just to protect me it feels like my heart is being torn apart. Please… don't do that again. I can't bear it."
Alex nodded slowly, fully, the meaning sinking deep this time. Without hesitation, he dismissed the dagger, the faint shimmer of his system inventory swallowing it whole. The reckless ritual stopped completely.
"Okay," he said gently. "I'm sorry, my love. I never meant to make you relive that memory."
He raised his hands and cupped Astrid's face, his palms warm against her cold cheeks. His thumbs brushed softly beneath her eyes, as if wiping away fears that hadn't yet fallen as tears.
"I'm really happy," he said, smiling faintly, "that you care about me this much."
The smile he gave her wasn't playful. It wasn't teasing. It was open, honest, and full of quiet affection.
Astrid froze for a moment, her breath caught between surprise and emotion. Heat crept up her cheeks, and she looked away for half a second before gathering the courage to meet his eyes again. A shy smile curved her lips.
"You know…" she murmured, her voice warm and soft, "you should show that smile more often instead of doing reckless things like that. When you smile like this… my heart and my thoughts forget what happened at the summit."
Alex felt something bloom warmly in his chest, spreading until it made his breath feel light. Seeing this unyielding, battle-hardened Dragonborn his Dragonborn blushing because of him was enough to make his heart stumble.
A quiet laugh escaped him.
"Hehe… then I'll keep smiling," he said tenderly. "For you, my princess."
Side by side, their steps naturally falling into the same rhythm, they continued walking leaving the weight of fear behind, and carrying only warmth between them.
After walking in comfortable silence for a while, Astrid's gaze began to wander. She studied the snow-dusted path ahead, the distant mountains, and the faint silhouette of structures barely visible far on the horizon. Curiosity slowly crept into her expression. She tilted her head slightly, her brows knitting together as a thought formed.
"Alex," she said, quickening her steps to walk beside him. She looked up at his face, her eyes filled with interest. "Do you know what kind of place Winterhold is?"
Alex nodded as he walked, his boots crunching softly against the snow. His eyes stayed forward, as if recalling familiar memories.
"Winterhold is like a paradise for mages," he replied calmly. "All kinds of mages gather there to study, to research magic, or to chase knowledge they can't find anywhere else."
As he spoke, he turned his head toward her and lifted a hand, lightly tapping the dark, jagged plates of the Daedric armor she was wearing. The metal gave off a faint, ominous sheen under the pale light.
"And it's also the place where I summoned that Daedric armor," he added, a hint of pride in his voice, "and where I forced a Dremora to submit to me."
Astrid stopped walking for half a second.
Her eyes widened, then lit up like a child hearing an exciting story. She leaned forward slightly, fists clenched near her chest in barely contained excitement.
"A Dremora?" she exclaimed. "Really? Wow! I can't wait to get there. I want to see how strong it is!"
Alex let out a soft laugh, the corners of his lips curling upward. He glanced at her sparkling eyes and shook his head faintly.
"Of course you do."
He raised one hand and gestured as he explained, his fingers tracing an invisible circle in the air.
"I summon the Dremora at a special spot right on the roof of Winterhold," he said. "If you want to fight it, you can knock it down easily with your Thu'um. Unrelenting Force works perfectly."
He lifted three fingers, folding them one by one.
"Once you've mastered the third word, it becomes ridiculously easy."
A slightly greedy, mischievous smile crept onto his face.
"Hehe… and then we'll squeeze that Dremora dry again."
Astrid blinked.
She tilted her head to the side, her ponytail swaying gently, confusion written clearly across her face.
"…Squeeze?"
Alex coughed lightly and looked away, scratching the back of his neck.
"Ah don't worry about it," he said quickly. "I'll show you when we get there."
Astrid narrowed her eyes suspiciously, then smiled anyway clearly intrigued.
And with that shared curiosity hanging between them, they continued toward Winterhold, the promise of magic and mischief waiting ahead.
They continued forward, the landscape slowly transforming around them. The grass beneath their feet thinned, giving way to hardened soil and patches of frost. Soon, the world turned white. Snow blanketed the ground in uneven drifts, crunching softly with every step they took. The air grew sharper, each breath leaving faint clouds before their lips as cold wind swept across the open land, carrying the distant howl of something lurking far away.
Along the road, danger found them but never all at once.
A polar bear emerged from behind a ridge, its massive form looming against the white. Astrid stepped forward without hesitation, her armor gleaming darkly as she brought it down with swift, decisive strikes. An ice wraith later drifted out of the mist, its ghostly form writhing through the air only to be shattered by a well-timed burst of flame and steel. Snow trolls lumbered toward them with heavy footsteps, frost wolves snapping at their heels but none came in packs.
Compared to what they had endured before, it felt almost… easy.
Soon, the battles faded behind them, replaced by silence and the endless stretch of snow-covered land. Then, through the swirling frost and pale light, a familiar silhouette appeared in the distance.
Stone bridges suspended over nothingness. Tall spires rising from sheer cliffs. Ancient architecture clinging to the edge of the world itself.
The College of Winterhold.
Astrid slowed her steps, her breath catching slightly as she stared ahead. She lifted her arm and pointed, excitement and awe mixing in her voice.
"Hey, Alex… is that the place?"
Alex followed her gaze and nodded, a faint smile forming.
"Yes. That's it."
Then, as if a thought struck him out of nowhere, he stopped walking and rubbed the back of his head, his brows knitting together.
"Oh right," he muttered. "You can only use the Flame spell, can't you?"
Astrid blinked and nodded slowly.
"Yeah."
Alex froze mid-step. His eyes widened just a fraction, and his posture stiffened like someone who had just realized they'd forgotten something important.
"…I forgot," he said, exhaling. "They have special rules before letting outsiders in. You'll be tested. You'll have to show a spell you can use."
The excitement drained from Astrid's face almost instantly. Her shoulders slumped, and she looked down at the snow beneath her boots.
"Oh…"
Alex watched her reaction and immediately rubbed his chin, his eyes narrowing as he thought.
"Hm… but it's fine," he said after a moment. "I've got acquaintances there. Hopefully, they'll let us in anyway. Besides, I'm mostly going there to buy a few spell books."
Astrid scuffed the snow with the tip of her boot, sending a small spray of white powder into the air. Her lips puckered into a small pout.
"Aww… but I really want to see the place," she murmured. "Can't I go inside?"
Alex let out a soft sigh and stepped closer, his tone gentle as he spoke.
"Okay, okay," he said, raising his hands slightly in surrender. "We'll come up with a better reason to make an exception for you, alright?"
Astrid's head snapped up. Her disappointment vanished in an instant, replaced by a bright smile. She gave a small hop in place, snow crunching beneath her boots.
"Yeah!" she said happily. "Besides, I'm a Dragonborn. There's no way they wouldn't let me in, right?"
Alex laughed, shaking his head as he resumed walking.
"Hey, Dragonborn," he teased, "don't abuse your authority, okay?"
Astrid glanced back at him with a mischievous grin, her eyes glinting with playful defiance.
"No promises."
Side by side, they continued their journey toward Winterhold, the wind howling softly around them as the towering College awaited full of magic, trials, and the unknown.
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