Chapter 153 A Father's Guilt
Alex and Astrid flew through the night sky with the help of Alex's telekinesis, heading toward the Dawnguard.
As they moved through the air, Alex held Astrid carefully in his arms. His grip was firm, yet gentle, as if he were afraid even the wind might harm her. His gaze kept shifting between the path ahead and Astrid's face, worry clearly written across his expression.
"Love," Alex said quietly, his voice almost swallowed by the rushing night air, "I'm worried about you."
Astrid looked up at him, her brows lifting slightly.
"Worried about what?"
Alex let out a slow sigh. For a moment, he did not answer. His eyes remained fixed ahead, but the tension in his jaw made it clear that the thought had been weighing on him for a while.
"I'm afraid this mission is becoming more and more dangerous," he finally said. "And I don't want you to get hurt, darling."
Astrid studied his face for a moment. Then, with a soft but confident look, she reached up and lightly touched his cheek.
"Hey, love," she said gently. "It's alright. I'm still strong, you know."
Alex fell silent for a moment.
The night wind brushed against their faces as their bodies continued gliding above the vast forests and mountains of Skyrim. In the distance, moonlight reflected across the snow, making the world beneath them appear calm far too calm for a land slowly falling under the shadow of a vampire threat.
Astrid studied Alex's face from up close.
Usually, he was always smiling. Even when facing danger, Alex could still throw out a stupid joke or wear that confident expression of his the kind that made Astrid want to smack his shoulder lightly.
But this time was different.
Alex's jaw was tense. His eyes stared straight ahead, yet Astrid could see the unease hidden behind that gaze. Even the arms holding her body were wrapped around her a little tighter than usual, as if he were afraid she might disappear the moment his grip loosened even slightly.
"Love?" Astrid called softly.
Alex swallowed.
"I…" His voice caught for a moment. "I know you're strong, Astrid. Maybe even far stronger than most people in Skyrim. I know you're the Dragonborn. I know you fought Alduin, entered Sovngarde, and came back alive. I know all of that."
Astrid remained silent, listening.
Alex lowered his head slightly, looking at her face.
"But precisely because I know how strong you are… I also know you're the kind of person who would keep standing at the front line even after your body had already been wounded."
Astrid fell quiet.
Alex took a long breath, then continued in a lower voice.
"You're the type of person who would still raise your sword even while blood was running down your shoulder. You're the type of person who would still smile and say, 'I'm fine,' just so I wouldn't worry. And normally… that courage is one of the things I love about you."
His hand slowly moved to Astrid's stomach, touching it with the utmost care.
"But now… you're not the only one standing on the battlefield."
Astrid's eyes widened slightly.
Alex looked down at her stomach, then raised his gaze back to her eyes.
"Our child is with you too."
For a moment, Astrid couldn't answer.
Those words struck her deeper than she had expected.
All this time, she had known she was pregnant. She was happy. She was proud. But in her mind, she still saw herself as a Nord, a warrior, a Dragonborn.
Someone who could stand beside her husband and face danger together.
But when Alex said it like that when he said their child would be going to the battlefield with her something inside Astrid slowly began to shift.
Alex continued, his voice growing softer.
"I'm not afraid that you'll lose in an ordinary fight. I'm afraid those vampires won't fight in an ordinary way. They don't have honor like Nord warriors. They won't care that you're pregnant. They won't hesitate to use poison, blood magic, illusions, hostages, or dirty traps to attack you."
Astrid's expression slowly turned serious.
Alex clenched his jaw.
"And if something happens to you…" His voice trembled slightly. "If something happens to our child because I let you come with me just because I didn't want to disappoint you…"
He stopped, as if the next words were too painful to say aloud.
Astrid looked at him.
For the first time that night, she truly understood.
Alex was not looking down on her.
Alex was afraid.
Not afraid of the vampires.
Not afraid of the mission.
But afraid of losing his home.
Afraid of losing the woman he loved.
Afraid of losing the child he had not even had the chance to hold yet.
Astrid slowly raised her hand and touched Alex's cheek. Her warm fingers rested against his skin, cold from the night wind.
"Love…" she whispered.
Alex looked at her, his eyes filled with the worry he had been holding back all this time.
Astrid took a slow breath. Her face still carried the desire to fight, but now there was a deeper tenderness in her eyes.
"I thought… when you asked me to stop following you, you were trying to keep me away from the battlefield because you didn't believe I could protect myself."
Alex immediately shook his head.
"That's not it. It was never like that."
"I know," Astrid answered softly. "I know that now."
She lowered her gaze, looking down at her own stomach. Her hand slowly moved down, covering Alex's hand that was still resting there.
For several seconds, they remained silent in the middle of the night sky.
Then Astrid gave a faint smile not the proud smile of a warrior, but the gentle smile of a wife and a mother-to-be.
"You're right," she finally said.
Alex looked slightly surprised.
"Astrid…"
"I still want to be with you," Astrid continued. "I still want to fight by your side. I still want to cut down those vampires one by one if they threaten our family."
Her smile weakened slightly.
"But… I'm no longer responsible only for my own life."
Alex remained silent, listening to every word.
Astrid tightened her grip on Alex's hand over her stomach.
"I have to think about our child too."
Alex's expression slowly softened. Relief became clear in his eyes, even though he was still holding back his emotions.
Then Astrid looked at him firmly.
"But don't misunderstand me, my love. I'm not stepping back because I'm afraid."
Alex gave a small smile.
"I know."
"I'm stepping back because I'm choosing to protect something more important than my pride as a warrior."
Those words left Alex silent.
Astrid looked at him with unwavering certainty.
"So, alright. For this vampire mission… I'll stop following you directly."
Alex let out a relieved breath.
However, before he could answer, Astrid immediately raised one finger in front of his face.
"But there is one condition."
Alex blinked.
"A condition?"
Astrid gave a faint smile, and this time, a trace of her usual expression began to return.
"Don't do anything stupid. Don't carry everything by yourself. Don't use that strange power of yours until your body breaks apart. And if the situation becomes too dangerous, you have to come back."
Alex gave a bitter smile.
"You know I can't promise a mission without danger."
"I know," Astrid replied. "But you can promise to come home."
Alex stared at her in silence.
The night wind continued to blow around them, carrying a biting cold. Yet between their tightly clasped hands, there was a warmth that neither snow nor darkness could touch.
Finally, Alex nodded slowly.
"I promise. I'll come home to you… and to our child."
Astrid smiled, then rested her forehead against Alex's chest.
"Good," she whispered. "Because if you die at the hands of some cheap vampire, I'll chase you all the way to Sovngarde just to scold you."
Alex let out a small laugh, and at last, some of the tension in his face began to fade.
"Hahaha… that sounds very much like you."
Astrid closed her eyes for a moment, enjoying the warmth of Alex's embrace amid the cold night sky.
"But Alex…"
"Hmm?"
Her voice became softer.
"Thank you."
Alex looked at her.
"For what?"
"For not seeing me only as the Dragonborn." Astrid slowly opened her eyes. "You see me as your wife… and as the mother of your child."
Alex smiled gently.
"Of course. To me, you're not just the hero of Skyrim."
He lowered his head and carefully kissed her forehead.
"You are my home."
Astrid fell silent for a moment, then a faint blush touched her cheeks. She turned her face slightly away, but she could not hide her smile.
"Hmph… you sweet husband."
Alex chuckled softly.
Alex then carried her back in his arms and stopped by Whiterun first, bringing Astrid home before continuing on his own.
When they arrived at their house in Whiterun, the room was quiet and warm. The faint glow of the hearth cast a soft orange light across the wooden walls, and the gentle crackling of fire filled the silence.
Inside, Lucia was already asleep.
She lay peacefully beneath her blanket, her small chest rising and falling with slow, steady breaths. One of her hands clutched the edge of the blanket, while her face looked calm, innocent, and untouched by the dangers waiting outside the city walls.
Alex and Astrid stood near the doorway, looking at her in silence.
For a moment, Alex could not move.
His expression slowly darkened with guilt. His shoulders lowered, and his eyes softened as he stared at Lucia's sleeping face.
"We… haven't spent much time with our daughter, Lucia, as parents," Alex said quietly.
He let out a heavy sigh, disappointment clear in his voice.
Astrid looked at him gently. Then she raised her hand and touched his cheek, turning his face toward her with a comforting smile.
"Love," she said softly, "we didn't leave because we were being selfish."
Her other hand slowly moved down to her stomach, resting there with quiet tenderness.
"We went out because of Lucia… and also because of our child here in my belly."
Alex let out a heavy sigh.
"And also… now I'm going to lose more time with you again."
His voice was quiet, but there was a clear frustration restrained beneath it. It was not frustration toward Astrid. Not toward Lucia. Not toward their unborn child either.
He was frustrated with himself.
With their circumstances.
With the world that never seemed to stop throwing threats in front of them.
Alex lowered his head, his hands clenching weakly at his sides.
"If there were another powerful person out there who could take responsibility for this world… maybe we would have more time to live as an ordinary family. Eating together. Taking Lucia out to play. Staying by your side during your pregnancy. Preparing our home for our child."
He paused for a moment, then looked at Lucia, who was sleeping peacefully in her bed.
The little girl looked so calm. Her breathing was slow and steady, both of her hands hugging the blanket as if the world outside had never been filled with dragons, civil war, vampires, or cruel gods playing with human fate.
Seeing that made Alex's chest feel even heavier.
"But…"
Alex gritted his teeth.
"If this vampire threat isn't dealt with, sooner or later, they'll reach our lives too. They'll come to this city. To Whiterun. To this house."
His eyes moved from Lucia, then to Astrid, before finally lowering to her stomach.
"I don't care about being a hero. I don't care about being praised, worshiped, or remembered in the songs of bards. I don't even care if people call me a coward for choosing to come home and stay here."
His voice grew even lower.
"But I do care if, one night, Lucia wakes up to screams in the streets. I care if you're forced to raise your sword while carrying our child. I care if our child is born into a world already ruled by vampires."
Astrid stared at Alex in silence.
She could see how heavy the burden on her husband's shoulders truly was. Alex often looked relaxed. He often joked, often tried to make everything feel lighter than it really was. But tonight, that mask had cracked.
Standing before her now was not a man with absurd power.
Not a hero.
Not a being who could make enemies kneel with his aura alone.
Just a husband.
A father.
A man terrified of failing to protect his family.
Astrid slowly stepped closer, then reached for Alex's hand, which was still clenched into a fist. Gently, she opened his fingers one by one before holding his hand in hers.
"Love…"
Alex looked at her.
Astrid smiled softly, then raised her other hand to Alex's cheek. Her thumb brushed over his skin, trying to ease the tension from his face.
"You haven't failed as a husband."
Alex fell silent.
"And you haven't failed as a father either."
Alex tried to smile, but the smile looked fragile.
"Astrid… I barely even have time for Lucia."
Astrid turned her gaze toward Lucia, who was still sleeping, then looked back at Alex.
"Lucia knows you love her."
Alex slowly shook his head.
"But is that enough?"
That question made Astrid fall silent for a moment.
She did not answer right away with empty, comforting words. She knew Alex did not need a sweet lie. He needed someone who would keep standing beside him, even when he hated himself.
So Astrid took a slow breath.
"Maybe it isn't always enough," she answered honestly.
Alex lowered his head.
"But that doesn't mean it's already too late."
Slowly, Astrid guided Alex's hand to her stomach, then covered it with both of hers.
"We still have time. Lucia is still here. I'm still here. Our child is still growing here."
Her eyes softened.
"And precisely because you want to return to us… because it hurts you to leave us… that proves you aren't a bad husband. You're just a man who loves his family so much that every second lost feels like a sin."
Alex looked at her, his eyes trembling slightly.
Astrid gave him a small smile, then rested her forehead against Alex's chest.
"If you truly didn't care, you wouldn't feel this guilty."
The room fell silent.
Only Lucia's soft breathing and the night wind brushing against the windows of their home could be heard.
Alex slowly lifted his arms and carefully embraced Astrid.
His hug was not too tight, as if he were afraid of hurting her, but it was warm enough to show just how much he did not want to leave.
"I just want an ordinary life," Alex whispered. "After all of this… I want quiet mornings. I want to watch Lucia running around in the yard. I want to hear you scold me because I'm too lazy to wake up. I want to hold our child in my arms without wondering whether vampires, dragons, or some insane god will try to destroy everything tomorrow."
Astrid let out a small laugh against his chest, though her eyes softened as well.
"If you're too lazy to wake up, then yes, I really will scold you."
Alex gave a quiet laugh.
At last, a small smile appeared on his face, though it was still mixed with exhaustion.
Astrid lifted her face and looked at him with unwavering certainty.
"Listen, my love. You don't need to become a hero because you love the world."
She touched Alex's chest with the tip of her finger.
"You only need to be a man who wants to protect his home."
Alex stared at her in silence.
Astrid continued, her voice gentle but firm.
"And your home is right here. Me. Lucia. Our child."
She smiled.
"So go and settle this vampire matter. Not for the songs of the bards. Not for a title. Not for people who don't even know what you've sacrificed."
Her hand returned to Alex's cheek.
"Do it so you can come home."
Those words made Alex's chest tighten.
"So I can come home…" he repeated softly.
Astrid nodded.
"Yes. So you can come home to us."
Alex closed his eyes for a moment, then drew in a long breath.
For a while, the disappointment inside him did not completely disappear. But Astrid's touch made it feel a little lighter. It did not erase his guilt, but it gave him somewhere to place it.
He opened his eyes again, then looked at Lucia.
"I'll make it up to her," Alex said quietly. "Once all of this is over, I'll spend more time with Lucia. I'll read stories to her. Teach her little things. Take her out for walks. I'll make sure she knows she was never alone."
Astrid smiled.
"She'll be happy."
Alex then lowered his gaze to Astrid's stomach.
"And for our child… I'll be there. I'll see them be born. I'll become a father who is present, not just a name that's too busy saving the world."
Astrid looked at him tenderly.
"You're already a good father, Alex."
Alex gave a bitter smile.
"I want to be better."
"Then come home alive."
Alex nodded slowly.
"I promise."
Astrid then pulled Alex closer and kissed him gently on the lips.
The kiss was not filled with passion like usual. Instead, it was warm, slow, and comforting like a silent promise that no matter what waited for him outside, this home would always be the place he returned to.
When the kiss ended, Astrid pressed her forehead against Alex's.
"Go, my love."
Her voice was quiet, yet filled with strength.
"I'll protect our home. I'll protect Lucia. I'll protect our child."
Alex looked at her with eyes full of gratitude.
"And I'll protect the world outside so it never reaches this home."
Astrid gave a small smile.
"Now that sounds like my husband."
Alex finally let out a soft laugh. Then he lowered his gaze toward Lucia and slowly walked over to her bed. Very carefully, he crouched beside her.
Lucia shifted slightly in her sleep, but she did not wake.
Alex gently stroked her hair.
"I'm sorry, Lucia," he whispered, his voice barely audible. "Daddy will come home. And after that… Daddy will have more time for you."
Lucia only murmured softly in her sleep, hugging her blanket a little tighter.
Alex smiled sadly, then stood again.
Astrid watched him from behind with a warm gaze. When Alex returned to her, she lightly straightened the collar of his clothes, then gently patted his chest.
"Don't make me wait too long."
Alex held her hand.
"I'll try to finish this as quickly as possible."
"Not as quickly as possible," Astrid corrected him with a serious look. "As wisely as possible. Don't be reckless."
Alex smiled.
"Alright, my terrifying wife."
Astrid narrowed her eyes.
"Good. At least you still remember."
The two of them laughed quietly, careful not to wake Lucia.
But after that small laughter faded, the atmosphere softened once more.
Alex embraced Astrid again. This time, a little longer.
He wanted to remember the warmth of her body.
The scent of her hair.
The rhythm of her breathing.
The feeling of home that he could only find beside her.
Finally, with a heavy heart, Alex released her from his embrace.
"I'm going."
Astrid nodded.
"We'll be waiting for you."
Alex looked at Astrid, then at Lucia, and finally at Astrid's stomach one last time.
Then he turned toward the door.
When the door of the house opened, the cold night air of Whiterun greeted him. Out there, the vampire threat was still waiting. The Dawnguard still needed an answer. The world still demanded blood, power, and sacrifice.
But for the first time that night, Alex's steps felt a little steadier.
Because he was not leaving to become a hero.
He was leaving to make sure that when morning came, his small home in Whiterun would still be standing peacefully.
And that his family could still sleep without fear.