Flashback — less than 2 days before the mission departs
In the evening of day 198, Anneli Dieter, head of the rations department, sat on the floor of her office, slumped against her desk, with her knees drawn in. This day was supposed to be her sons' 21st birthday. Tears streaked her cheeks, and regret consumed her heart, whispering the same cruel thought: If I stayed with them, maybe they'd still be alive.
Entering the room was Laurenz Wagner, another member of the rations department and Anneli's friend. Seeing the tears on her face, he started talking to her, trying to make her feel better or distract her from what was in her mind.
"Steffi just left to prepare," he said.
She gave a humorless smile, "Must be hard on you, going out there."
"Hard, it is," he said, "but better starving."
That earned a small laugh through her eyes. "Really? tell me, what's pulling you out there so bad?"
"Let's just say there is something out there that I'm looking for."
"What thing?"
"A quicker end" he said so stoically.
She figured he was joking and said, "So, you're never going to tell me?"
"Nope."
She stayed quiet for a moment then said, "I wish I was as brave as you."
"Brave?" He crouched down besides her. "what I'm doing is not brave. It's desperate. Brave is facing death while still hoping to survive the fight. Your boys were brave— a thousand times braver than I am. I'm just tired."
The tears slowed as a little smile started to show. "If I was brave, if I stayed with them—"
"I understand what you're feeling," He rested his hand on her leg, "but it's not your fault. For what it's worth, I am happy that you are alive."
She looked him in the face. "How could you possibly understand?"
"I might have told you about my life and its secrets, but there are many details that I might have left out. I've never been married. No kids, but I had loved ones. I had family."
"What kind of family?"
"Partners."
"In plural?"
"Three of them. One I loved like a wife." he paused. "When I received an invitation, I had to choose: Either I stay and die with them, or leave knowing they would die without me. And, well, guess which one I chose?"
"It's not the same"
"Maybe not. But from where I'm standing, it's close enough."
"Where exactly are you standing?" She asked sarcastically.
"Well, I'm not quite standing right now, am I? I'm sitting, right here, next to you."
This made her laugh. He smiled. And for a moment, neither looked away. Laurenz reached up wiping the tears from her cheeks.
He kept moving his hand across her face with his fingertips, tracing her skin. She smiled catching his hand and pressing it closer to her cheek then guided it behind her head. He pulled her towards him and kissed her. When it ended, he stood.
"I should prepare for the mission."
He left there. still sad. But lighter.