Chapter 99: The Great Confession and the Price of a Nickname
The psychic fallout from Kakashi's… field research… was immediate and volcanic. The female contingent of the Pure Land audience erupted in a chorus of digital outrage.
[Nohara Rin: I can't believe it! I shared a team with a… a tree-masturbator!]
[Uchiha Mikoto: The lack of discipline! On an active protection detail!]
[Kushina Uzumaki: MINATO! YOUR STUDENT IS A PERVERT WITH ARBORIAL TENDENCIES! DIVORCE!]
[Minato Namikaze: Kushina, please! He's under a lot of stress!]
[Karura: Konoha's standards have clearly fallen. In Suna, we'd have him cleaning scorpion pens for a year.]
Amidst the feminine fury, Sakumo Hatake's presence was a silent, supernova of paternal devastation. Words failed him. Only a low, psychic frequency of utter despair pulsed from his corner of the stream.
It was Tobirama Senju, ever the cold logician, who cut through the emotional noise.
[Tobirama Senju: Cease this unproductive hysteria. Let us analyze the data dispassionately.]
The chat quieted, if only out of morbid curiosity.
[Tobirama Senju: Subject: Hatake Kakashi. Age: Approximately thirty. Physiological status: Peak condition, high chakra levels, indicative of robust hormonal activity. Marital status: Unattached. Available outlets for said activity: 1) Licensed brothels (risk of exposure, blackmail, mission compromise). 2) Improper relations with fellow shinobi or civilians (against regulations, ethical minefield). 3) Solitary, efficient self-regulation in a controlled environment. He chose option three. Furthermore, he demonstrated advanced fieldcraft: noise discipline, sanitization protocol, and used a natural blind spot. This is not degeneracy. This is a rational, if unconventional, solution to a biological imperative with minimal operational risk. Frankly, it's pragmatic.]
The clinical breakdown was so utterly, bizarrely reasonable it left everyone speechless.
[Uchiha Izuna: …Pragmatic? Tobirama, have you lost your remaining marbles?]
[Jiang Cheng: I find Lord Second's analysis compelling. He's reframed a moral failing as a tactical decision. It's… innovative.]
[Tobirama Senju: See? The boy understands. Sakumo, view it not as a failing, but as your son applying Anbu-level operational security to his personal life. It's almost admirable in its bleak efficiency.]
Sakumo's psychic emanations shifted from despair to confused contemplation. […Admirable?]
[Tobirama Senju: In a certain light. Now, I pose a question to the male constituents of this assembly. In your youths, or in periods of extended deployment, can any of you claim with absolute honesty you never engaged in similar… stress-relief protocols?]
A heavy, guilty silence blanketed the male side of the chat.
Jiang Cheng decided to apply pressure. Silence implies consent. And frequent consent at that.
The dam broke.
[Yūhi Shinku: Well… a few times. In the early days, before I met Akane's mother…]
[Uchiha Fugaku: I… may have… on occasion. Clan leadership is stressful!]
[Third Raikage: Ahem. Extended campaigns far from home… it's a matter of maintaining combat readiness. I issued official guidance on the matter to my Jonin.]
[Fū: I did it to improve my chakra circulation! The medical texts said it could help!]
[Jūzō Biwa: Yeah, yeah. We've all been there. Blood Mist didn't exactly have a thriving dating scene.]
One by one, the legendary shinobi of history admitted to their own moments of solitary weakness. It became a bizarre, posthumous group therapy session. Even Might Dai confessed, linking it tragically to his wife's abandonment.
The collective admission had a strange, normalizing effect. The outrage from the women began to be drowned out by a wave of masculine, sheepish solidarity. Kakashi's sin was transformed from a unique perversion into a universal, if unspoken, shinobi experience.
[Hyūga Hizashi: HA! You are all weak! I never resorted to such base methods!]
[Tobirama Senju: Oh? And how did you manage, Hizashi?]
[Hyūga Hizashi: I… had an arrangement. With my brother. We… traded off. Helped each other. That's why he took the name 'Hiashi' later—'day duty.' I was 'night duty.' It was efficient!]
A new, even deeper silence followed this revelation.
[Tobirama Senju: …I have no words.]
[Might Dai: …]
[Yagura Karatachi: Konoha… is a strange place.]
Jiang Cheng chuckled inwardly. Uncle Hizashi and my future father-in-law… what a dynamic duo.
The crisis was over. Sakumo' rage had cooled into a sort of bewildered acceptance. Kakashi was just… being a man. A weird, efficient, tree-climbing man, but a man nonetheless.
Impressed by Tobirama's masterful deflection and sociological analysis, Ren decided to award him a digital trophy. With a thought, he edited Tobirama's display name in the chat.
[The Brilliant Analyst - Tobirama Senju: Hm? What's this before my name? A title?]
You earned it, Ren thought. A mark of distinction for superior problem-solving.
[The Brilliant Analyst - Tobirama Senju: Exclusive to me? Excellent. I approve.]
The display of favoritism immediately triggered a competitive response.
[Uchiha Izuna: Hey! What about me? I want a cool title too! Can't let that Senju bastard have all the glory!]
Titles are available, Ren projected, his mental voice taking on a mercantile tone. For a donation. A B-rank technique, perhaps?
[Uchiha Izuna: Fine! Take this! 'Fire Release: Great Dragon Fire Technique'! Now give me something awesome! Something that strikes fear, like a legendary Warring States monster!]
[System Alert: Donation Received! Uchiha Izuna has donated 'Katon: Gōryūka no Jutsu' – B-Rank Fire Release!]
Ren absorbed the new jutsu, a powerful, linear torrent of flame. Then, with a mischievous grin only he could see, he edited Izuna's name.
[The Ultimate Sister-In-Law Connoisseur - Uchiha Izuna: …WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. THIS.]
His text vibrated with apoplectic rage.
You said 'feared by all,' Ren replied innocently. Based on chat history and your own admissions, this title seems both accurate and terrifying. Would you not fear a man with such a… specific focus?
[The Ultimate Sister-In-Law Connoisseur - Uchiha Izuna: CHANGE IT! NOW!]
Changes are possible, Ren said smoothly. But they require an additional administrative fee. An A-rank technique. Or… he let the offer hang, something truly unique. Your Mangekyō Sharingan, for instance, would grant you permanent, unlimited nickname customization rights.
The audacious extortion attempt left Izuna speechless. His text just flickered, a sputter of impotent fury.
Meanwhile, Ren's attention was finally pulled fully back to the physical world. The shared Byakugan view showed Kakashi, now serene and sanitized, still sitting in the tree, gazing pensively at the moon. But the cold, gliding presence Ren had been tracking was no longer just observing.
It was moving. With purpose. Not towards Kakashi's tree, but skirting the edge of the village, a shimmer of cold intent in the mist. It was circling, probing the perimeter like a shark tasting blood in the water. The bizarre human spectacle had served as a perfect distraction, lulling the hunter into a sense of security, making it bold.
The comedy of errors was over. The night's true purpose was reasserting itself.
Ren dissolved his connection to the Byakugan feed, thanking Hizashi silently. The world snapped back to his own, limited but sharp senses. The 'Silent Shadow Weave' clung to him tighter. He was a void in the night, a hunter who had just used a peepshow to bait his prey.
He dropped from his own perch, soundless, and began to move, not as a defender rushing back to the house, but as a predator flowing towards the cold signature in the mist.
Kakashi could have his moment of post-climactic Zen. Ren had a different kind of appointment to keep. One that involved less paperwork and more potential for violence.
The farce had set the stage. Now it was time for the main event.