Chapter 67: The Art of Misusing Shadow Clones
"Hehehe~ Bell, I'm coming for you!"
With identical grins, Naruto Uzumaki and his seven shadow clones lunged as one for the silver bells on Kakashi's hip. The plan was simple, brutal, and relied entirely on overwhelming numbers: swarm the target, grab the prize.
But as the lead clone's fingers brushed empty air, it realized the figure before them was no longer Kakashi.
It was... Naruto Uzumaki.
"Huh? Where'd Kakashi-sensei go?"
The original Naruto skidded to a halt, blinking in confusion at his own identical copy.
A moment later, his face lit up with triumphant deduction. "AHA! I've got it! YOU'RE Kakashi-sensei! You used Transformation Jutsu to look like me! You think you can fool the great Uzumaki Naruto? NO WAY!"
He pointed dramatically at his startled clone. "GET HIM, GUYS!"
The eight Narutos—one original, seven copies—promptly launched themselves at each other in a chaotic, orange blur of flying fists, tangled limbs, and identical battle cries. Within seconds, it became impossible to tell who was attacking whom. Punches meant for "Kakashi" connected with other Narutos, who retaliated in kind.
A spectacular display of self-inflicted pandemonium unfolded.
[System Notification: Live Stream Active]
[Viewers: 154 Pure Land Residents]
[Current Donation Pool: 432 viewer points]
[VIP Highlight: Collective Facepalming]
Tobirama Senju (VIP5): What in the Sage's name is he doing? He didn't recognize a basic substitution jutsu?
Uchiha Madara (VIP1): This is the vessel for the Nine-Tails? The beast's standards have plummeted.
Ren Arakawa (subvocalizing): Hey, easy on the kid. He's doing his best.
Minato Namikaze (VIP1): Ren's right! My son is young! He has room to grow! Potential!
Tobirama Senju: Grow? Fourth, we have another child his age in this very stream who outmaneuvers seasoned kage in conversation. The comparison is... unflattering.
Minato Namikaze: Lord Second! You can't compare anyone to Ren! He's... an outlier!
Hyuga Hizashi (VIP1): That "outlier" is a beast in human skin.
Yuhi Shinku (Regular Viewer): A beast with a taste for young women. I'm starting to question his stated age.
[System Alert: User 'Hyuga Hizashi' has been muted for 10 minutes for slander.]
[System Alert: User 'Yuhi Shinku' has been muted for 10 minutes for slander.]
Ren Arakawa: Don't think being my uncle or future father-in-law gives you free rein to defame me. My rules. My stream. My mute button.
Tobirama Senju: Impressed whistle. Ruthless. You court their female relatives and silence their criticism. A new standard in audacity.
Ren Arakawa: Setting boundaries is important. Seniority doesn't grant immunity.
Below, battered and bruised by his own clones, Naruto had a sudden, brilliant epiphany. "I KNOW! If I dispel the clones, the fake one will disappear!"
He formed the release seal. Kai!
Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof!
Seven puffs of smoke. The clearing fell silent, save for one panting, bewildered Naruto Uzumaki, standing alone amidst the settling dust.
He was alone.
He had, in fact, been fighting only himself the entire time.
"WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" Naruto gripped his hair with both hands, pulling in theatrical despair. "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEEEEEN?!"
Uchiha Madara: A dry, coughing sound that might have been a stifled laugh. Is this child attempting to kill me with secondhand embarrassment?
Tobirama Senju: I must admit... I have never considered that application for the shadow clone technique.
Minato Namikaze: Groans. Naruto... please, for your old man's dignity... think once in a while.
Uchiha Fugaku (VIP1): My son is on a team with this. The Uchiha legacy is truly cursed.
Kushina Uzumaki (VIP1): ...
Just as Naruto seemed on the verge of a full-blown meltdown, a glint of silver caught his eye from a nearby bush.
A bell.
The bell.
"YES! Kakashi-sensei must've dropped it when he ran!"
Naruto's despair vanished, replaced by triumphant glee. He strutted toward the gleaming prize.
Tobirama Senju: Is Kakashi... trying to lose? This trap is so blatant a civilian could spot it.
Hashirama Senju (Regular Viewer): Perhaps his psychological trauma affected his trap-making skills. The mind is a delicate thing.
Uchiha Izuna (Regular Viewer): "Blatant" is an understatement. The leg coil isn't even buried. It's lying on top of the leaves.
Uchiha Shisui (VIP2): A simple poke with a stick from five meters away would disarm it.
Sakumo Hatake (Regular Viewer): It seems my son still holds affection for his sensei's memory. This is practically a charitable donation.
Minato Namikaze: Beaming. See? Kakashi has a heart! He's giving my boy a chance!
Tobirama Senju: You call this a "chance"? This is an insult to the boy's already questionable intellect.
Minato Namikaze: I'll choose to take it as a kindness! I'll thank him personally next time we meet in the Pure Land!
Sakumo Hatake: That... sounds more like a threat aimed at my son's lifespan.
High in the canopy, Ren had to bite his lip to keep from laughing aloud. The stream commentary was more entertaining than the trap itself.
And the trap... was terrible. The snare coil lay in plain sight, the mechanism crude. It was a test, not of ninja skill, but of sheer, unadulterated obliviousness.
Naruto Uzumaki, unfortunately, was uniquely qualified to fail it.
With a final, gleeful lunge, Naruto grabbed for the bell.
SNAP-THWIP!
The coil activated. The rope whipped around his ankle with startling speed, yanking him off his feet and hoisting him unceremoniously upside down into the air, where he dangled like a confused, orange piñata.
[...]
A profound, utter silence filled the live stream chat. Even the eternally bickering dead were struck speechless by the sheer, magnificent failure on display.
From his hiding place in the bushes, Kakashi Hatake sighed, the sound barely audible. He pinched the bridge of his nose beneath his mask.
Sensei, he thought, the old grief a familiar ache. Your son is... energetically challenged.
And somewhere in the Pure Land, Minato Namikaze put his head in his spectral hands, while Kushina alternated between wanting to hug her son and wanting to shake him until his teeth rattled.
Ren finally let the smile spread across his face beneath his Anbu mask.
Never change, Naruto, he thought. The world needs your particular brand of chaos.
It was, after all, the only thing predictable in this increasingly unpredictable story.