4:53 AM 08/02/2004 {Summer of 2004}
Warm memories of playing at the park with Patty played unwillingly in my near-unconscious mind, showing one of my favorite memories, where she and I had snuck off to the park, and found a stray dog.
"Here, doggy!" Patty called out, patting her knees as she cooed at the puppy. I giggled a little, not really paying attention to her, my eyes sweeping around the park entrance.
Suddenly she was in my face, with a yelping puppy, scared for it's life, it's little tail curled around itself. She had the biggest, goofiest grin I'd seen yet, and that was saying something, given we'd been in the foster home together forever, it seemed like. Some of the staff joked that she ran away from foster homes, just to come back.
The puppy gave a little bark as it got just a little more comfortable in her arms, and I sighed at her carelessness.
She didn't remember about the talk we had of of us taking turns keeping watch. I wasn't sure how to get her to remember the little hand motions I made to tell her if something was coming. Maybe the signals would work better if I made them of something she did a lot, so she didn't forget?
I looked at her, trying to figure it out, but her frown made me realize I was in "run" mode, as she called it.
I sighed, but locked my eyes on her, fighting my urge to look at the exit again.
My palms started to feel a little sweaty, but I managed, with a little focus, to open up the worn out book in my hand, as I found a tree with shade, and pressed myself against the bark, angled away from sight. I couldn't help myself, and took one last look-around before sinking down to a comfy sitting spot.
She hummed, still holding onto the puppy, even as it yelped a little as she plopped herself right next to me, her green eyes nearly glowing in a ray of sun that managed to find it's way through the net of leaves above.
She scooted a little closer, before scrunching her nose at the book I was reading.
"6th-8th grade Picture En-cyklo-pee-dia for Dummies" She read out loud, before giving a little noise of displeasure.
"They got one part of that right." She scoffed, already looking upset.
"What?" I asked, wondering why she was making such a big deal about it.
"I thought we were going to have fuuunnnnn today." She whined, as she gave her attention to the puppy again, not looking at me. I frowned, not really getting it.
"You don't want me to read?" I asked, wondering what the problem was.
"Uuuugh." She groaned, huffing unhappily.
It was one of those days she wanted me to read her mind.
I set down the book, before grabbing her hand.
"What's wrong, Patty?" I asked, looking her straight in the eye. She uncomfortably wiggled, before she gave in.
"You're always reading those books, Lincoln. It's like you want to get smart, and then get in school, then disappear, or you want to get adopted by some rich family who looks at you reading big books, then take you away forever!" She exclaimed, her hands moving in a very lively way as she tried to show me what she meant.
"That's not true, Patty." I said, trying to understand what she was saying. I didn't plan on leaving her, or the orphans here to dry, especially with how they'd been asking around if anyone was 'specially-abled'.
"No, it is! One day, you'll get adopted by some smart, genius parents, and leave idiot, dumb me here, in the Bay." She hissed out, her eyes beginning to form tears.
"Everyone always says you're going places-" She continued, leaving me feeling both a little proud, yet put off "and I think so too. You're going places, and you're not coming back. Everyone who leaves the foster home, they go away too. And they never come back." She spit out, now thoroughly upset and crying, using both hands to wipe away the tears, her normally pale white face, pink with emotion.
I reached out, but she slapped my hand away, before realizing a second too late that the puppy was unrestrained, but it was too late. It bolted off, gone in the maze of trees in the park.
That seemed to be the last straw, as she just brought up her hands to cover her face as she began to bawl.
I didn't know what to do, confusion and helplessness freezing me as I tried to plan what I could do.
Patty suddenly wrapped her arms around me, nearly crushing out the air in my lungs.
I couldn't understand what she was babbling as she cried, other than: 'dog' and 'left', but I decided to just copy her, and hugged her, the feeling of her small frame so close to mine a new, unfamiliar experience.
So I just sat there, trying to calm her down, before remembering how she'd once hummed a gentle song to a baby that had begun to cry in a store, a few blocks from here.
I tried to hum the same tune, as she buried her face in the space between my neck and shoulder, taking in deep breaths.
I didn't think I sounded very good, but she began to calm down, her eyes slightly red, and her face flushed with embarrassment.
"I'm sorry, Lincoln. I didn't mean to go all… coo-coo." She said, swirling one of her fingers around her head.
I shook my head, still holding her.
"I'd never leave Brockton without you, crazy girl." I said, giving her a small grin.
She looked up at me, her eyes wide, unblinking.
"Never?" She asked, her voice softening.
"Never- I promise." I said confidently, looking directly into her glowing, green eyes.
….
I woke up, feeling a dampness through my shirt instead of the comforting feeling, the sensation having gone, like it had never been there, leaving me feeling like there was a gaping hole in my heart that I had only noticed now because of the presence of warmth, life.
Something that I don't think I've felt since Patty.
I'd woken up earlier in the night, confused, and alone.
Why did Ms. Perry make the nightmares disappear, and where had she gone? I didn't know what to do. I was going to leave soon, tomorrow, and I think I'd accidentally opened up something in me that I hoped had been ripped out.
I felt rapid beats pacing through my chest, making it hard to think.
My hand curled into a fist as I slammed my fist into my pillow, gritting my teeth as the feeling only went away slightly.
Grunting, I tossed the pillow away as hard as I could, before getting up from bed.
The I.V had been removed a few days ago, and my ribs felt a lot better than before, other than a few aches, and small discoloration, as Ms. Perry had said, but the main thing keeping me here was a fractured bone around my eye.
It was harder for normal doctors to heal, or cure, given that the only thing they could do, was pretty much check it for any deformations or major cracks, which it didn't have, again, according to Ms. Perry, so I was just set to wait until the doctors were sure it would heal properly, and the Willows finished with the paperwork to adopt me.
My mind wandered to a picture in my mind of Ms. Perry and me, in a picture together, like the ones kid's had of their families.
Some of the kids held theirs like it was a scrap of dirty paper, other held it like it was their lifeline, their life float in the chaotic seas that foster homes were, and some of them held it life it was a trophy, something to show they had, in a place where nobody did, and desperately hoped for.
I hated my Mom and Dad, despite not.. remembering them, but in that split second, when I'd seen how happy one of the kids looked in the pictures, I wondered if that's how I would've been like, if my parents had kept me.
I growled, the anger buried last night unearthing itself in full force as I stood there, alone. I wanted to run, hit something.
But no. there was something… inviting… about letting the numbness underneath everything drown out the thoughts, and block out some of the bottomless, heavy black hole of bitterness and helpless rage I felt.
I wanted to burn something. I wanted to hurt something. But instead, the only thing I could do, was sit here, and let my mind go to dark places, imagine things I would do to those who took everything away.
I sniffed, realizing my eyes had begun to water. I wiped away some tears that began to leak, and furiously blinked the rest away.
I had to realize that I was alone now.
No one could help me, not the way I wanted.
I had to get that through my head.
I remembered back in the foster home, I used to feel a spark of envy for the kids who triggered. The people on T.V said that only the top, only the gifted people triggered young. I wanted to know I was special, even though triggering was a death sentence for fosters.
Actually, no.
I'd always known I was a step up above all the other kids who seemed to have the exact same life story as me.
I'd always known I was made out of something stronger.
I'd just wanted something to prove it.
To prove that I wasn't just another orphan.
That I was different from the other kids who were bland, stupid, and easy to leave. I wasn't going to let anyone think that it was better to leave me.
Now here I stood, wishing I was back to being me- No, I wished I was one of…
One of those kids.
I felt like the worlds biggest fraud.
Were the powers I'd gotten some sort of punishment?
I felt my anger cool as I got to the core of it all. Something about me, the core of me, wasn't the same. It was changing, and I didn't know where that was leading.
"Powers" aside, I felt like I didn't recognize myself anymore.
Everything was different. Before, I'd had a clear picture in my head of us, toughing it out, and looking back on our time in the docks, and jokingly reminding each other, like, "Hey, remember the time we lived in the docks? Crazy times"
I really did believe I could save them, but now, it hurt to think of the promises I made.
Now, the slightest sudden touch from anyone made my skin crawl, and any familiar form of anyone I'd left behind… scared me. My heart skipped a beat, and my eyes became glued to the ground, and head my began to throb.
I wasn't the same, I think.
I'd loved coming up with plans, being a step ahead, being free from the foster home.
Now?
I felt tired.
So, so tired.
I groaned, looking up at the dull, white ceiling.
I didn't know what was going to happen to me, or what was coming now, past adoption.
I had dreamed of being free from the foster home, but it felt like a hollow victory to be here.
I wasn't really free though, was I?
I'd just exchanged one set of chains with more shiny ones.
But I would try take it day by day, though.
Maybe, one day, I wouldn't freeze when I heard whistling. Maybe strangers' silhouettes wouldn't flicker into the form of the people I abandoned.
Maybe then, the glowing green eyes would stop staring down at me, crying tears of acid.
{A/N: Thank you Bluehill100, and hydraclanz, who commented in AO3! Heartbreakingly, we didn't hit the 5 comment mark, but I still greatly appreciate hearing your thoughts!
Bluehill100- thanks for your comment, and I admit, it may take a bit of time before Patty's side is told, but I have some interesting plans regarding that.
hydraclanz- Thanks for complimenting my work, it gave me extra motivation!
With that, I sincerely hope you all enjoyed reading so far, as well as this particular chapter- It has to be one of my favorites so far- in terms of significance, and fun while writing! As usual, please, tell me your thoughts, and until next time- Rotten, out.}