Chapter 54: Admiration Is the Emotion Furthest from Understanding
"Captain Suì Fēng?"
His wandering thoughts were cut off by that sudden, crisp voice.
Takeru snapped back to reality and looked up at the woman standing in front of him. Arms folded as always, Suì Fēng held herself with that familiar, sharp coldness, like a blade still in its sheath.
"Who else would it be?" she said. "You did not even notice someone approaching you, not to mention their spiritual pressure. This is my jurisdiction, but you are far too relaxed. That is not like you at all. What happened?"
Her delicate brows knit even tighter. The words were barbed, but underneath them was clear, steady concern.
Takeru did not answer her right away. He glanced around, as if confirming his surroundings, then seemed to realize something.
"It is nothing serious. I just walked out of the Spirit Arts Academy to clear my head."
He rubbed his temple lightly.
"I usually sort out problems by walking. Maybe because I have been to Second Division before, I subconsciously followed a familiar route. Then I looked up and… here I was."
"I see."
Suì Fēng nodded slightly, accepting that explanation without argument.
"But you have walked quite a distance. If a stroll this long still cannot help someone as resourceful as you find an answer, then it is clearly not a trivial problem."
"Even clever people are helpless when their memories fail them."
Takeru let out a soft sigh.
"…So you are not thinking, you are trying to remember?"
"Exactly."
Seeing that his frustration was real and not an act, Suì Fēng's shoulders eased. A faint, almost imperceptible smile touched the corner of her lips.
"For a Shinigami with a long lifespan, poor memory is not acceptable. I would hate to see you pick up bad habits like forgetfulness after you become a captain."
She paused, then added casually,
"As it happens, I have no urgent business at the moment. How about I let you experience Second Division's interrogation methods? They are very effective at… jogging one's memory."
"…Should I have avoided appearing in front of you when you are in a bad mood?"
Takeru's expression stiffened.
"I am joking. I am not angry."
Suì Fēng snorted lightly and shot him a sharp glare before turning her head away.
"In fact, I am in a very good mood. Thanks to you, Second Division's reputation has improved. If I can repay that favor now, all the better."
"I am grateful for Captain Suì Fēng's kindness, but as for interrogation… I suspect it might have the opposite effect."
"I said I was joking."
She clicked her tongue and gave him another cool look.
"Follow me."
Takeru glanced up at the sky. From the blazing height of midday to the burning red of the setting sun, he really had been walking for quite some time without noticing. It felt like the sort of foreshadowing that usually heralded a tragic fate.
However, that was not what awaited him.
Suì Fēng led him into a small izakaya within Second Division's jurisdiction.
"Oh, I almost forgot to mention," she said as they stepped inside. "Thanks to you, this place used to be packed, but recently the number of customers has dropped noticeably."
"Captain Suì Fēng, even if you try to frame me, I will not be pressured into joining Second Division to become your subordinate."
"…I really am tempted to try that 'memory recovery method' on you right now."
Soon, the server arrived with sake and a few simple dishes such as tempura. After bowing respectfully, she withdrew and left the two of them alone.
Takeru looked at the dishes that were ordinary both in smell and appearance, then lifted the sake cup and gave the drink a gentle sniff.
"I think I understand what Captain Suì Fēng is hinting at."
He set the cup down and smiled faintly.
"The food here is average, but the sake is excellent. Now that Second Division's reputation has improved, everyone is busy with work. Fewer people have time to come here to relieve stress, so the customer traffic has dropped."
"The fact that you can still see that clearly means your mental state is not as bad as I feared."
Suì Fēng's reply made Takeru glance at her with open appreciation.
She had even picked this place as a test of his awareness. Or perhaps she had always known these tricks, just rarely had cause to use them.
"Captain Suì Fēng really does think things through on my behalf. I will treat you to this meal."
"No need. This is part of repaying my debt as well."
She lifted her cup, then fixed him with a steady gaze.
"More importantly, tell me what is troubling you. That interests me more."
"…"
As she narrowed her eyes at him like a wary cat, Takeru could easily sense the curiosity surging beneath that rigid and imposing shell.
"Well… to put it simply, I am one step away from mastering Bankai. I am stuck on that last step."
He swirled the sake in his cup.
"My Zanpakuto asked me a question: 'What is the thing you have feared most in your life?'"
"Logically, the best way to conquer fear is to face it. But if I cannot even remember it, what am I supposed to face? I suspect I do not fear it anymore."
"So I spent the whole day trying to comb through my past, searching for clues. And so far, I have come up empty."
Hearing that honest admission, Suì Fēng felt a strange mix of satisfaction and unreality.
Satisfaction, because he was trusting her with something so important.
Unreality, because he really had reached that step so quickly.
Just one step away.
Just one step away from carving his name into Soul Society's history alongside hers.
How long had it been since that tea party?
At most half a month.
He was truly going to achieve Bankai as a first year.
That other boy, Ichigo Kurosaki, likely was not far behind.
It did not feel like the world was simply changing.
It felt like everything was accelerating toward a new era, so fast that even someone as young as her was already in danger of becoming a fossil of the old one.
"Hmph."
Suì Fēng blew out a breath and forced herself to focus on the current problem instead of chasing that bleak thought.
"The thing you have feared most in your life… is that it?"
"Logically, something like that should leave a very deep impression. Even if you later stop fearing it, you should not forget, just like you would never forget a powerful enemy you once defeated."
"If you cannot recall it at all, then there is only one explanation."
"You chose to forget."
"Perhaps."
Takeru did not try to argue.
He had not always lived this comfortably, nor had he always possessed the unshakable confidence that came with strength.
Back then, he had been ordinary.
Now, he felt he could face anything.
No running. No fear.
No one could make him bow his head.
The more that became true, the harder it was for him to slip back into the mindset of his former self and remember what that boy had feared.
"That is a problem," Suì Fēng said. "If you cannot even recognize your own heart, you will never grasp the full scope of Bankai. You will not be able to… accept your Bankai."
"I have encountered something similar myself."
Her eyes dimmed slightly, as if an old wound had been brushed.
"But my experience will not help you."
"Not necessarily."
Takeru shook his head lightly.
"If I knew what Captain Suì Fēng feared most, I might be able to draw some parallels. But I have no intention of prying into your privacy."
Suì Fēng, who had originally not planned to say anything, stiffened at that.
"You said it yourself," she shot back, slightly annoyed. "The best way to overcome fear is to face it. There is no need to hide something at this level. Hiding it only makes it seem as if…"
"As if I am afraid of people knowing that I have not overcome it."
"Calm down, Captain Suì Fēng. I was not trying to provoke you."
Takeru raised his hands slightly in mock surrender.
"Of course not. As Commander of the Onmitsukidō, do you think I cannot tell sincerity from flattery?"
"Then I am all ears," he said quietly. "Please rest assured, once I walk out of this door, it will be as if I was never here."
"…You do not have to go that far."
Even so, those words eased something tight inside Suì Fēng.
Coupled with the way Takeru was carefully pouring her sake and offering silent respect, she no longer felt so resistant to opening up.
She steadied her breathing, then began to speak slowly.
She told him about the Shihōin and Fēng families, about the relationship between those houses, and about her bond with Shihōin Yoruichi as master and servant.
But without realizing it, she glossed over certain truths.
She only said that she had once had a dear friend she desperately wanted to help, but that friend had left her behind at a critical moment.
Abandoned her, and shattered the precious bond she had believed in.
Bang.
The sake cup hit the table with a sharp crack.
Killing intent flashed naked in Suì Fēng's eyes. She had intended to relate this as a neutral example, something Takeru could use as a reference. Instead, the more she spoke, the more her emotions boiled over, until she was grinding her teeth audibly.
"That woman never took me seriously."
"I cherished her that much. I admired her, looked up to her…"
"But when trouble came, she chose to face it alone. And it was for the sake of that other bastard I despise more than anyone."
"In other words, in her eyes, that bastard was more important than me. More important than what we had."
"Otherwise, even if she was doing something foolish, she should not have left me out of it."
"I know she did not want to drag me down with her. But that self righteous attitude is exactly what infuriates me beyond words."
"What a joke. Making a decision like that without even asking me, with absolutely no regard for my wishes."
"She simply did not treat me as a friend."
"My promises, my beliefs… there was never any chance for them to be fulfilled."
"On that day, I felt fear unlike anything I had ever experienced."
"And on that day, the first half of my life ended."
Takeru stayed silent throughout, watching her pretty face flush red from a mix of anger and alcohol.
Only when she slowly began to calm did he finally speak.
"Although I am not in any position to comment on Captain Suì Fēng's past, I think that outcome was indeed inevitable."
"Are you saying she was destined to betray me?"
Suì Fēng's gaze chilled again, murderous intent flickering back to life.
"Shimiya Takeru, you may not fully understand who she is. If not for that bastard, she would never have—"
"What I mean," he cut in gently, "is that the way your relationship developed was unhealthy from the start."
"So sooner or later, something was going to go wrong. Even if no one interfered, you would have clashed over ideals eventually."
"Think back carefully. Did she ever show signs of being particularly impatient with you?"
His calm, unhurried words took the edge off Suì Fēng's fury.
She frowned, sinking into thought despite herself.
"Now that you mention it… that did happen. Not just once or twice either."
"She seemed… very unwilling to listen to me. She would always brush aside my advice, pretend she never heard it."
"Could it be that… that bastard was already influencing her from behind at that time?"
"I do not think it was because of him."
Takeru shook his head.
"The problem lies in the way you two interacted with each other. As for where the issue really is…"
He slipped a Soul Pager out of his pocket, to Suì Fēng's confusion, and tapped the screen.
The speaker crackled to life, and a low, rich male voice flowed out, magnetic and full of an odd charm.
"Admiration," that voice said,
"is the emotion furthest from understanding."
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