Chapter 80: Custody
I was writing a few more notes about how the behavior of electrons in graphene seems to replicate endoscopic representations of unitary and orthogonal groups - with some progress this month, thanks to new tests conducted.
Alan was also at the kitchen table, writing God knows what.
"Master," dad appeared, imitating the Hunchback of Notre Dame, "your sexually ambivalent ex‑wife is here." He gestured toward Judith.
"I'm not ambivalent, I'm exploring," she replied dryly.
"Yes, mistress," he mocked, bowing.
"How about work? Have you considered exploring that too?" I commented, earning a glare from her.
Alan stopped writing and lifted his head. "Thanks for bringing Jake over."
"Well," Judith handed him a paper, "I wanted to give you this anyway."
"What is it?"
"It's the bill from my divorce lawyer," she replied. "You haven't been paying them." She placed her hand on her hip.
"Wow," I exclaimed, "it's like paying someone to kick you in the nuts."
"I also need you to look this over and sign it." Judith handed him another paper, probably another bill
"And what is this?" Alan asked, already exasperated
"My lawyer recommended I take out a bigger life‑insurance policy on you," she said, explaining, "in case you should die and can't pay the alimony and legal fees."
"Why don't you have him frozen? Then you can use him to keep your drinks cold, too," Dad commented sarcastically as he opened a beer
Alan ignored Charlie, and inquired her, "Who's supposed to pay for this policy?"
"You are. And please, try to be on time with the premiums," she finished without a hint of shame.
"If he signs it, you could also sell his body when he dies. The balls will be missing, but the rest might still be useful for research," I remarked.
Signing it would be beyond being whipped.
Dad laughed, "Good one!". The other two just stared at me.
Uncle Alan turned back to his ex‑wife. "Okay, as long as we're on the subject of lawyers and death, my lawyer recommended that I redraft my will.
And you know what? If I die after you die, guess who gets custody of Jake? It's going to Charlie," he exclaimed.
"Charlie?!"
"Me?"
"Alan, you can't be serious," Judith snapped. "He's immature, he drinks too much, he sleeps around, he is completely irresponsible."
Alan shouted back, "Yeah? You should've thought of that before you threw me out!"
"All right. You're obviously angry and trying to get even with me, but I am not taking the bait," she spoke with a bitchy attitude. "I will see you on Sunday."
"Bye‑bye," Dad said, waving mockingly.
After she left, Charlie raised his beer toward his brother. "Hey, man. Thanks."
"For what?"
"For trusting me to take care of Jake when you croak."
"I'm sorry - you didn't think I was serious, did you? I just said that to piss her off."
"Right. Good one." Dad laughed, but then realized, "Hey!"
And the two of them immediately started arguing about the custody of Jake.
I was unfazed - since with money, and Jake agreeing, I could easily override any so‑called will.
Jake showed up and put the peanut butter in the microwave, scratched his butt casually, and then poured the melted peanut butter into a glass.
"Want some, Francis?" He offered
"No thanks," I declined, and he went back to his room.
No wonder everyone wants him - he's basically creating atomic bombs (we should buy a better toilet bowl for his room)
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The next day, Grandma stopped by (which is why Dad wasn't home). We sat on the couch and she handed a gift to Jake.
Alan nudged him, noticing his son hadn't said anything yet. "What do you say to Grandma?"
"Can I at least open it first?" Jake looked at his father.
He warned, "Jake."
"No, he's right," Evelyn waved her hand. "Wait and see if he likes it."
My cousin unwrapped the gift and opened the box. Inside was a large, framed picture of our grandmother.
Evelyn smiled, "Now you can thank me."
"Thank you," Jake muttered, staring at the picture - completely unexcited.
"I'm kidding," she laughed, giving him a gentle push. "No little boy wants a framed picture of his grandmommy." Grandma took the frame and handed it to Alan. "This is for your daddy."
"What do you say, Dad?" Jake mocked.
I stifled a laugh.
"Don't push it, Jake," Alan scolded, still unsure what to do with his mother's portrait.
"That's my new photo for the Sunday real‑estate section," she announced. "I thought maybe you'd like a color print of it for your office."
"So you didn't bring me anything?" My cousin whined.
"Of course I brought you something," she replied, handing him a coloring book and crayons. "There."
"Crayons? I'm ten," he complained.
Alan offered dryly, "You want to trade?"
"No, I'm good," he replied, running to his room.
Seeing Jake had left, Grandma took another box and handed it to me.
"Thanks, Grandma, but this is too small for a portrait," I joked while opening the gift.
Inside was a watch. "Wow - Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Automatic. Nice one, Grandma." I hugged her.
"Put it on," she urged. After I did, she approved. "It suits you, Francis."
Alan stared at us in disbelief, as if someone had committed sacrilege against him (in this case, his mother). "I get a picture - and he gets a luxury watch??" he snapped.
Evelyn responded without an ounce of shame, "Alan, when you visit me every week and help me sell a five-million-dollar house, you'll get one too."
Well, she is neighbors with Seth, Ryan, and Marissa, so I always stop by too (since we have a cordial relationship).
About the selling, I passed along my grandma's and Phil's contact information to people I knew who wanted to change house.
After that, Grandma also brought up Jake's custody. I just shrugged and went to my room.
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