Chapter 76: Friendly Fire
After the chaos Gloria caused, we called a tow truck to take her car and then they got a taxi to go back home.
I was driving the Ferrari and planned to stop by the Dunphys again just to drop off some cupcakes Phil had asked for (the moment he heard where I was going).
I parked nearby since Dylan's old car was blocking the driveway.
Claire was saying goodbye to a woman when I approached.
"Jake!" She looked at me with a strange burst of excitement.
"Jake is my cousin, but more like a very loved son to me," Claire told the woman while pulling me roughly to her side.
I placed my hand on her forehead. "Are you okay?"
She quickly slapped my hand away and whispered from the corner of her mouth, "Impress her."
"How much?" I murmured.
She gave me the famous Claire smile, basically telling me to go all in.
"Hey, Mama Claire already introduced me. You must be Valerie," I said, extending my hand.
Wow, she is the one who played Skylar in Good Will Hunting.
"Yes, nice to meet you." Valerie shook my hand and asked, impressed, "Your family lets you drive the Ferrari?"
"Oh, that?" I dismissed it. "That is mine. I bought it with my own money. And speaking of Ferrari, the new one I bought arrives this week."
"What?? You bought another Ferrari?!" Claire was stunned.
I nodded. "Ferrari 612 Scaglietti. Brand new model. I gave it to myself for my birthday. But it's only arriving now." Then I explained, "This one has four seats. I love my Porsche Cayenne, but Ferrari is Ferrari."
"Right…" Valerie didn't know what to say for a moment before inquiring, "Where does the money come from?"
"I'm the writer of Diary of a Wimpy Kid," I revealed. "You know, it has already sold three million copies so far with the three books."
December had exploded in sales thanks to the releases (book 2 and 3) and Christmas.
"It's like nine million dollars in royalties," I shrugged as if I were talking about tip money.
"Nine million??" Claire's eyes widened even more.
"And I also make money with research," I continued. "If you go near UCLA, you'll see a complex next to it, Moore-Pritchett, which is a project of mine and Gordon Moore, the billionaire founder of Intel."
"I can give you a tour if you'd like. We have impressive equipment there. After all, Gordon invested a hundred million in that project."
I finished, "And you'll be able to meet five Nobel Prize winners who work with us." I said it like someone casually mentioning, 'oh, and there's also fresh bread in the kitchen.'
"Oops, it seems like I'm bragging, but I can show you everything I mentioned," I pretended to feel a little embarrassed.
"No, no, no. I believe you," Valerie spoke quickly. "But I really need to go. See you next time, Claire."
She headed to her car.
Claire was completely in disbelief. "What the hell was that?" she muttered.
"Well, you told me to impress her," I defended myself.
She groaned. "Yeah, but not overwhelming me together. What is this - nine million? A hundred million? Five Nobel Prize winners?"
I shrugged. "All true. I even softened it a bit so it wouldn't be too much."
"Softened it?? too much??" Claire snapped.
"There's even more money from other things. And I could've said I already have over ten honorary PhDs, that I'll be on magazine covers soon, and that I get laid every other day."
"What??" She looked at me like an angry mama bear.
"It's really impressive how you focus only on the last thing I said," I teased, then added, "Don't worry, I'm not turning you into a granny anytime soon." I bolted inside before Claire could lecture me with her fists.
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When I walked in, I looked around weirdly at everyone in the house. "Did a hurricane pass through here? What is all this mess?"
Claire walked in right after me, and she looked like a demon unleashed.
She scanned each person one by one, like a lion choosing which prey would be the first.
But Haley ended up crying. "I broke up with Dylan for good," she sobbed and ran into her mother's arms.
"Oh, Haley…" Claire comforted her, then glared at the rest of us with a fix this look before going upstairs with Haley.
"Okay…" I began. "Can I at least understand what's going on?" I pointed at Luke first. "Why are you in your underwear and why does the house smell like liquor?"
He answered, "Alex and I grabbed the leftover boxes from the party our neighbor threw. One fell on me, so I took my clothes off."
Then I turned to Alex, who looked like she had just returned from war - panting, hair a mess.
"There was a rat in the box, eww," she explained. "I was hunting him."
"Finally, Mario, what is this?" I asked Phil, who was wearing a ridiculous fake mustache.
"I was trying something different after they scribbled all over my ad…" Phil couldn't really explain the reason.
My explanation was: Phil being Phil.
He ripped it off and groaned, "Ouuuch."
"I saw Dylan leave devastated," I revealed. He had walked out while we were talking to Valerie.
"Looks like they really broke up for real this time," Phil remarked more seriously.
I nodded. "Let's eat these cupcakes I brought," I proposed, lifting the box in my hand. "Then we clean everything up."
And that's exactly what we did.
Later that night, I went back to Jay's house and ended up discovering a new term: moon landing. Basically, it's when two people bump butt-to-butt - usually when they both crouch down at the same time. (Like what happened with Jay and Cam. A very weird image to think about.)
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