Of my daily training, the time spent on meditation increased. There were mainly two reasons. To increase the total amount of aura in my body, and for the manifestation of the Conjuration ability.
A Conjuration Hatsu isn't something one can use immediately just because they designed the ability. Among the six types, it is said to take the most time to manifest. It's a non-starter if one cannot materialize the target object.
For that, there is only image training. It seems it is also important to actually touch and feel the object one wants to conjure, but unfortunately, what I seek is not here. I had to manage with just imagination.
Imagine the human body, and create it. Desire it so strongly that the boundary between dream and reality is lost, and believe in its existence without a single tremor. Making the fiction of creating something from nothing into reality. That path was too difficult to accept.
No matter how firmly I tried to believe, slight distortions would arise. Distortion turned into looseness, tossing my heart about.
There is no lie or falsehood in my feeling of wanting to be human. I had no intention of losing to anyone in this feeling. Yet, doubts welled up endlessly.
A conjured Nen Beast reproduces not only the external appearance but also the internal structure. If cut, it bleeds; it even has internal organs. It is not a papier-mâché tiger just for show. It has the form of a single life.
Because of that, I didn't know how to explain that reproduction within myself. I don't know the structure of human internal organs. I possess simple knowledge, but not professional medical knowledge. Is it okay not to study that? Is it okay not to read books, investigate every single function, and see the real thing—the "insides" of a living human?
Even if the real thing were in front of me, I didn't have the confidence to understand everything about a human. How do Conjurers accomplish the materialization of living things? If even that is called talent, then I am helpless.
Hesitation, impatience, and the feeling of being unable to fully admit my own inadequacy hindered my meditation.
I can't spend all my time on meditation for conjuration. There are many other things I must do. Rather, that kind of training was my salvation. If I had immersed myself only in conjuration training, I would have gone mad long ago.
Maintaining Ren, switching between Ten, Ren, and Zetsu, practicing Gyo quickly, moving defensive power using Gyo, 5000 grasshopper jumps... Just because I increased meditation time didn't mean I reduced the training I had been doing before. I cut down on sleep to strive in my training.
Among them, what I actively incorporated was the 'Fuel' self-questioning meditation. This is training for 'Mental Tuning'. This ability was growing into a new stage through training.
I realized that this ability's effect isn't just manipulating targets. I realized that the hundreds of eggs I manipulate each possess a will. However, because those wills had been thinking exactly the same thoughts as me until now, I couldn't distinguish them from myself to be conscious of them.
Self-questioning via 'Fuel' gave distinction to that unified lump of will. I recognized that the self I could only perceive as one existed as multiples. I realized that my consciousness resided in every single egg.
The name 'Mental Tuning' had unintentionally struck at the core of this ability. It was truly tuning the minds of the manipulated targets to me, remodeling them into a single entity.
The eggs packed inside my body were one with me, yet at the same time separate lives. As I awakened to Nen and piled up training to polish my aura every day, the eggs, influenced by that atmosphere, had also awakened to Nen.
In other words, I was in the same state as holding close to a thousand Nen users inside my belly. This is the cause of the explosive increase in my potential aura amount.
However, I am still immature. I cannot say I have mastered this ability at all. The fact that I cannot use the aura possessed by the eggs as my own told the whole story. Because we think of ourselves as "one me," I could not treat the eggs as separate lives, and thus could not use their aura.
To draw this out, I must separate the eggs from the collective consciousness and manipulate them. I had to create a contradictory consciousness of "being me" and at the same time "not being me."
To clear this problem, I am practicing driving my self into the space between consciousness and unconsciousness through meditation. In the unconscious zone, I can recognize the self as existing in plurality. It seems a function works to correct the contradiction in the process of surfacing to consciousness. I have somehow become able to locate this intermediate position.
My immediate goal is to draw aura from the eggs. If I can do this, I can acquire a massive amount of potential aura, and perhaps cover the aura that will be consumed by 'Idolatry'.
I cannot tolerate easily dismissing or summoning the Nen Beast created by 'Idolatry'. I hate the idea of only being able to become human within a set time. I want to be in that form forever. If possible, I want to be able to maintain it constantly activated.
Given that I am creating a Nen Beast despite having no aptitude for Conjuration, the possibility is high that even if I activate it successfully, it will consume a large amount of aura. Even without that, aura consumption is a problem that accompanies the maintenance of a Nen Beast. Drawing aura from the eggs was a technique I wanted to master by any means necessary.
Mental unification via 'Fuel' required several minutes. I still haven't succeeded in drawing out aura. Impatience grew further at the current situation where I realized the true value of my ability but couldn't fully utilize it.
Limitations and Vows. These are important condition settings for creating a 'Hatsu'.
By attaching conditions for the ability's activation, restricting its range of effect, or making it so one can only use their ability in a more limited way, one can increase its power and precision. This is called a Limitation.
On the other hand, swearing an oath to oneself saying "I must not do this" or "I must do this" when using the ability is called a Vow.
The stricter the conditions attached, the more the effect increases. However, since it binds the ability that much, there is also the risk that it becomes inflexible and hard to use.
In the case of Limitations, since they become conditions for activation, breaking them simply results in the ability misfiring or the effect diminishing, but Vows are different. This works by swearing to oneself to keep them, turning that resolve into power. Even if broken, the ability can be used, but one will receive punishment afterward.
In creating 'Idolatry', I also created several Limitations. To increase precision even a little and to save memory.
First, I decided I cannot create multiple Nen Beasts. As a way to use Nen Beasts, there is the method of calling out many at once. Numbers are power. Simply having more allies greatly expands the range of tactics. I abandoned that merit.
And second. The design cannot be changed. One of the advantages of conjuring is that one cannot tell if it is made of Nen or if it is a real existing object. For example, with a Nen Doll, one can deceive the opponent by using various appearances. With this Limitation, I cannot engage in that kind of information warfare. Though, I probably couldn't use such advanced techniques anyway.
Third, once created, it cannot be dismissed. This is a very heavy Limitation. Unless I lose consciousness or my aura runs dry and I can't maintain it, I become unable to voluntarily deactivate the ability.
During combat, aura consumption jumps up already; if I cannot freely deactivate the ability, it could lead to a fatal situation. However, the aim is that by daring to include continuous maintenance as a Limitation, I might be able to reduce the consumption of aura.
I thought these three Limitations would be sufficient. Especially the third condition carries far too high a risk. Considering the weight of the imposed penalty, it could be said to be in the realm of a Vow. At first, even I thought I had overdone it.
But once I thought of it, I couldn't bring myself to cancel it. I felt that by easily overturning my own opinion, my determination for this ability itself would waver. I didn't want to do anything that would cool the "heat" inside me even a little.
However, as I continued training, my feelings changed rapidly. I didn't worry about the weight of the Limitations. Rather, the opposite.
This level of risk is no good. My dream is not that cheap.
The frustration and irritation of being unable to conjure no matter how much time passed raised the heat within me abnormally. I established new Vows.
Not Limitations, but Vows. Half-hearted resolve cannot serve as a risk. Therefore, I will not awaken to the ability. Before I could deny it myself, it became a firm conviction binding me.
'One: I must not block pain.'
'One: I must continue to maintain the activation of the ability in any situation.'
'If I fail to keep the above Vows, the user will die.'
The rain traveled down the earth, giving life to the withered vegetation. The plants that sprouted lushly in a time like the blink of an eye dried up in the next instant. Dryness, heat, and wind bestowed death.
One year, or ten years? I had stopped counting time. With my craving unquenched, numerous dry seasons and rainy seasons came and went.
I spent the majority of the day in meditation. It was as if I were dreaming a never-ending dream.
Why can't I learn the ability? Why can't I become human?
Such thoughts no longer remained.
'Point, Tongue, Temper, Release.'
Meditation, which initially took minutes to introduce, now clouded my consciousness in an instant. I repeated self-questioning millions, tens of millions of times.
Meditation, which initially had two purposes, now became a single path. There was no need to divide it. I myself know all the answers.
I realized I must not seek. Desiring something and agonizing because it does not come true. There is no path beyond that. There is no answer beyond my refusal to be an ant.
I should have just accepted that I already was.
A raindrop hit my body with a plip. That sensation pulled me back from meditation. Starting with that single drop, a blessing from the heavens began to pour down onto the dry earth.
As if new life were sprouting, I opened both eyes.
I feel the coldness of the rain striking my skin. I feel the warmth of the breath I exhale.
The rain trickles down over white skin, over silver hair.
The entire body I obtained was feeling the world outside of me.
[Idolatry]
Conjuration Type Ability. Completely reproduces a human mimicking the form the user truly desires as a Nen Doll. This Nen Doll possesses a special ability allowing it to share all senses with the user.
[Limitations]
This Nen Doll cannot be created in multiples.The design of this Nen Doll cannot be changed.Once the ability activates, it cannot be voluntarily deactivated.
[Vows]
Among the shared senses, pain must not be blocked.This Nen Doll must continue to maintain activation in any situation.If the above Vows are not kept, the user will die.