Location: Chenyu Vale, Liyue
Current Form: Human (Vacation Mode)
Status: Seeking premium leaf water, suffering from indigestion
Chenyu Vale was peaceful. Mist rolled over the tea mountains, waterfalls cascaded into jade-green pools, and the air smelled of herbs and tranquility.
It was the perfect place for a nap.
Raiden walked along the path to Qiaoying Village, wearing a loose Liyue-style robe he'd picked up. He looked like a wandering martial artist, if martial artists radiated an aura that made squirrels drop dead from heart attacks.
"Peace," Raiden inhaled deeply. "Quiet. No robots. No prophecies. No whales."
GURGLE.
His stomach made a sound like a tectonic plate shifting.
"Ugh," Raiden rubbed his abdomen. "That Narwhal is heavy. It's like I swallowed a neutron star. I need tea to help digestion."
Ahead on the path, a young man was practicing a Wushou Dance. He leaped into the air with a lion mask, kicking and spinning with fiery enthusiasm.
Gaming.
"Hah! Yah!" Gaming landed a perfect pose.
He looked up and saw Raiden watching him.
"Oh! Hello there!" Gaming grinned, wiping sweat from his brow. "Heading to the village? I'm Gaming, guard of the Sword and Strongbox Secure Transport Agency!"
"Raiden," Raiden nodded. "Nice moves, kid. But your footwork is heavy on the landing. You're wasting 15% of your momentum."
Gaming blinked. "Uh... you think so? I was trying to maximize impact."
"Impact comes from speed, not weight," Raiden walked past him. "Try shifting your center of gravity forward. Like a falling tree."
Gaming tried it. He spun, leaned forward, and launched a kick that cracked a nearby rock.
"Woah!" Gaming stared at his leg. "That was way stronger! Are you a master?"
"I'm a consultant," Raiden said. "Now, where can I get the best tea in this valley? Money is no object. I have the credit card of a Fatui Harbinger."
"Oh, for tea?" Gaming pointed. "Go to Qiaoying Village. Ask for Old Luo. But... there's a weird lady there today. She's arguing with a tea pot."
"A weird lady arguing with a tea pot?" Raiden smiled. "Sounds familiar."
Raiden arrived at the village square. True to Gaming's word, a tall woman with long dark hair, red glasses, and an outfit that screamed 'stylish auntie' was standing by a tea stall, lecturing a mechanism.
Xianyun (Cloud Retainer's Human Form).
"One simply cannot accept this water temperature!" Xianyun scolded the poor tea merchant. "Ideally, the spring water must be boiled to 85 degrees Celsius to release the delicate fragrance of the Spirit Jade tea! You are scalding the leaves!"
"Ma'am, it's just boiling water..." the merchant sighed.
"Inefficient," a deep voice interjected.
Xianyun froze. She knew that voice.
Raiden leaned over her shoulder. "You built a mechanical cooking pot, Cloud Retainer. Why haven't you built a tea-temperature-regulator yet?"
Xianyun spun around. "Who dares - oh."
She adjusted her glasses, trying to maintain her disguise. "Ahem. You must be mistaken. One is merely... Xianyun. A humble traveler."
"Drop the act, Bird Mom," Raiden whispered, grabbing a stool. "I recognize your energy signature from a mile away. Nice human form, by the way. Very... aerodynamic."
Xianyun blushed slightly. "Hmph! One finds this form convenient for mingling with mortals. And do not call one 'Bird Mom'!"
She looked at him closely. Then she recoiled.
"By the Adepti!" Xianyun covered her nose. "You smell of... deep space! And fish! What have you been eating?"
"A cosmic whale," Raiden signaled the merchant. "Two cups of your most expensive tea. And bring the whole pot."
"A whale?" Xianyun's eyes widened behind her lenses. "You consumed the beast from the prophecy? One heard rumors from Ganyu, but to think you actually digested it..."
"I'm still digesting," Raiden groaned as the tea arrived. "It's giving me heartburn. Cosmic radiation is spicy."
As they drank tea (Xianyun critiquing every sip, Raiden chugging it like water), the ground shook.
"Another tremor?" Raiden frowned. "This valley is unstable."
"It is the Spirit Veins," Xianyun explained. "The soil and water of Chenyu Vale are governed by an ancient Adeptus, Fujin. But recently, the flow has become clogged with miasma."
"Fujin?" Raiden swirled his cup. "The Carp Adeptus? Is she tasty?"
"She is a friend!" Xianyun scolded. "One does not eat friends! Fujin is weak. She cast her power into the land long ago. Now she is struggling to maintain the balance."
"Fine, fine," Raiden stood up. "I'll go plunge the toilet."
"Plunge the... what?"
"Unclog the veins. Fix the flow. Standard plumbing."
They traveled to Mt. Lingmeng. The air here was thick with green, sickly mist. Hilichurls with glowing red eyes roamed the paths.
"This is the miasma," Xianyun equipped a catalyst (a fan). "It corrupts the mind."
"It's just bad mana," Raiden walked into the mist.
The miasma tried to invade his lungs.
"System Alert. Miasma detected. Converting to energy."
Raiden acted like a living air purifier. As he walked, the green mist was sucked into his pores, leaving the air crisp and clean behind him.
They reached the heart of the mountain. A small, floating golden carp spirit was hovering over a corrupted pool, looking distressed.
Fujin.
"Oh no... the flow is blocked..." the Carp spirit whispered. "The Suanni beast has gone mad..."
A massive Solitary Suanni (Hydro/Anemo Beast) leaped from the shadows, roaring. It was covered in miasma.
"One shall handle this!" Xianyun stepped forward, preparing an Anemo spell.
"Sit down, Xianyun," Raiden walked past her.
He looked at the Suanni.
[True Dragon's Haki: Alpha Command].
"SIT."
The command hit the beast like a physical hammer. The Suanni yelped, the miasma around it shattering from the sheer pressure. It dropped to its belly, tail tucked between its legs.
Raiden walked up to the beast. He placed a hand on its head.
[Gluttony: Curse Extraction].
He pulled the corruption out of the beast like pulling a loose thread. The green energy coalesced into a ball in his hand.
Pop. He ate it.
"Minty," Raiden noted.
Fujin floated over, amazed. "You... you cleansed the Suanni with a touch? Are you... the Raincaller?"
"I'm the Fridge Raider," Raiden corrected. "Your veins are clear, Fishy. Go do your magic water thing."
Fujin bobbed in the air happily. "Thank you! The tea harvest is saved!"
Crisis averted. Or so they thought.
As Raiden turned to leave, his stomach gave a violent lurch.
The assimilation of the All-Devouring Narwhal hit 20%. A pocket of condensed Abyssal space gas expanded inside him.
"Oh. Oh no," Raiden clutched his chest.
"What is it?" Xianyun asked, concerned. "Is the miasma disagreeing with you?"
"No. It's the whale. It's... coming up."
Raiden looked at the sky.
"EVERYBODY DUCK!"
Raiden opened his mouth to belch.
BRAAAAAA-VOOOOOM.
It wasn't a sound. It was a shockwave.
A beam of purple cosmic energy shot out of Raiden's mouth, piercing the clouds. It punched a hole in the atmosphere, revealing the starry void of space for a split second before reality stitched itself back together.
The force of the burp flattened the trees on the mountain peak. The Suanni was blown backward into a pond. Xianyun had to use her Anemo powers to anchor herself to the ground.
Silence returned to the valley.
Smoke rose from Raiden's mouth.
"Excuse me," Raiden said, looking embarrassed.
Xianyun stared at the hole in the clouds. She adjusted her glasses, which were now crooked.
"You..." Xianyun's voice trembled. "You just burped a hole in the sky."
"Better out than in," Raiden shrugged.
Back in the village, things had calmed down. Raiden felt significantly lighter.
"The digestion is stabilizing," Raiden noted. "I think I unlocked a new breath weapon. [Starfire Breath]. Nice."
He sat with Xianyun and Gaming (who had returned from his delivery).
"So," Xianyun sipped her tea elegantly, trying to pretend she hadn't just seen a cosmic event. "Where will you go next? You have disrupted Liyue, Inazuma, Sumeru, and Fontaine. Is there any nation safe from your appetite?"
"Natlan," Raiden pointed west. "The Nation of War."
Gaming's eyes lit up. "Natlan! I heard they have dragons there! Real ones! Not like... uh... well, you."
"They have Saurians," Raiden corrected. "Distant cousins. Like lizards compared to Godzilla. But the Pyro Archon... she's interesting. A nation of constant war, resurrection, and fire."
"It sounds dangerous," Gaming said. "Even for you."
"That's the point," Raiden grinned. "I'm getting bored of puzzles and politics. I want a brawl."
He looked at Xianyun. "You should come. I bet your gadgets would work well in a volcano."
"One prefers the cool peaks of Jueyun Karst," Xianyun declined. "Besides, Ganyu and Shenhe would be lost without One's guidance during Lantern Rite. But... take this."
She handed him a small mechanical bird.
"If you find any... interesting culinary ingredients in Natlan," Xianyun looked away. "Send a sample. For... scientific analysis."
"You just want me to mail you spicy dragon meat," Raiden laughed.
"One did not say that!"
Raiden finished his tea. He felt refreshed. The whale was settling, his mana was topped off, and he had traumatized a local legend. A successful vacation.
He stood up, looking toward the setting sun in the west.
The air was getting hotter. The scent of sulfur and ash drifted on the wind, miles away.
Capitano was waiting.
The Pyro Archon was waiting.
And the Abyss was making its move.
"Time to go," Raiden cracked his neck. "I hear the dragons in Natlan have tough scales. I wonder if they crunch?"