What is a home?
I'm twenty-seven years old, and I don't know how to answer that question.
I am empty.
I am pathetic.
Actually, my whole situation is pathetic. I've spent my life drowning in... regrets? I couldn't be sure, because I don't see myself like everyone else. It's not that I feel superior. On the contrary, I envy their normalcy.
I don't believe in destiny either, because everything happens due to the choices we make. The present is just the result of those choices.
I stood there, staring up at the rainy sky.
Water was the only element connecting my past to my present.
...
It always rains on October 14th.
It always starts at night. Sometimes I feel like the sky is trying to remind me of that day. The day I lost everything to the fire, including myself, despite surviving.
I should have forgotten it. Eighteen years have passed since then, and although the memories were blurry, that internal pain still persisted, an ache that was impossible to identify.
I stood motionless on the sidewalk.
Around me, people ran for shelter. Some simply sighed in exhaustion, while others just walked on normally. Japan never had a meteorological explanation for why it always rained on this day. Some blamed it on the gods, others on mere coincidence. Maybe I was the only one who knew the real answer.
"I should have known. I'm an idiot."
"I'm going to be late getting home, damn it..."
They cursed the sky, using newspapers or bags to shield their heads. I, however, let the rain soak me to the bone.
...
I decided to keep walking.
I found a secluded, faded bench in a plaza and sat down, feeling exactly like it looked. Not that I could blame it. It was ugly and broken, just like me.
"The strong exist to protect the weak..."
When my mother taught me those words, I was barely eight years old.
Why did she decide to teach me that?
Well, let's just say my eight-year-old self was excited because his teacher told him he "was the best in the class," and he decided to ask his mother about it. Right then, she also mentioned, "The people you save will make you feel human, a part of them."
I sighed remembering that last part.
I'm sorry, Mom, if I have to tell you this, but...
"You were completely wrong."
No one made me feel human. They just offered empty gratitude and went back to their normal lives.
But despite everything, despite feeling like unfeeling human garbage, I...
"Mom... I miss you so much."
Wait...
Who am I saying these words to?
To my mother?
I didn't even know what that meant anymore.
And also...
Why was I remembering this now?
I don't know, but I wasn't always this empty shell of a person.
"How smart!"
"How strong!"
"How cheerful! How can you be like that even when you're hungry?"
Kids my age used to say those words to me.
Day after day.
And the bullies didn't bother me because they could never find a weak spot to exploit.
But then the fire happened... and everything went to shit.
I have vague memories of that moment. Before everything caught fire, a strange light made me follow it out of the house. By the time I snapped out of my trance, the place was already up in flames.
"They're inside! Let me go save them!"
A man held me tight as if I were a wild animal. Looking into his eyes, I possibly was.
"I'm sorry, kid... I'm so sorry."
I bit.
I scratched.
I kicked.
I screamed.
But he never let go.
By the time the firefighters arrived, the flames were already dying down. They found my parents three hours later, still holding each other.
At the funeral, everyone said:
"Poor thing."
"They are in a better place."
As if death were somehow better than a Saturday.
"Hikari is a strong boy."
Someone whispered behind my back.
I let out a cynical sigh, because an eight-year-old boy didn't want to be strong. He just wanted a mom, a dad, his own bed, and the ugly stuffed animal his mother had made for him with so much effort.
I was never able to tell her how much I actually loved it.
They became secrets packed away in boxes.
...
Then came the orphanage.
"Let's go," the manager said.
I lay down on the corner bed.
"What do you see, Hikari?"
My mother's voice echoed in my mind before I could stop it.
What was I seeing?
Some water stains that formed the silhouettes of continents. Mom used to play that game with me when we looked at the clouds.
"A dragon!"
"Yeah? And what is the dragon doing?"
"It's flying towards the castle to rescue the princess."
She always laughed. A laugh that made everything better. And she would reward me with a tight hug.
But she was gone. The stains weren't clouds. No one asked me what I saw anymore. Only empty memories remained.
Years later, I took up swordsmanship.
No one taught me. I just used the internet and a wooden stick I found in the garden. To my surprise, or perhaps as a punishment, I was a natural. By the time the orphanage said I had to join the kendo club, I was already at the highest level.
And as I walked, I noticed something that froze me in my tracks.
An October 14th, at exactly 10:38 PM.
"Hika..."
"Ri..."
"Hikari..."
Every drop left me a message.
What did it mean?
The element was speaking to me.
I could control water.
Or rather, I communicated with it.
It was a part of me, and I was a part of it.
Later on, I realized I could do the same with the others.
Earth matched my resilience.
Air provided resistance for me.
Water flowed with me.
And fire...
How could it expect to reach out to me, and for me not to immediately reject it?
Even so, it remained persistent in trying to talk.
Over time, I came to understand that the fire was not to blame. It was just passion, pure heat-giving energy. The real problem was the spark that caused it, the one who wielded it... The fire didn't choose to destroy a family that night, so I couldn't hate it for that.
And now, standing in this rain freezing me to the bone...
"If only I could..."
Go back to being that child who laughed without pretending.
"To have again..."
A mother who smelled like fresh bread, a father who...
Wait.
I froze instantly.
My father said something days before the fire.
We were in this very park.
"Higher, Dad, higher!"
"If I push you any higher, you'll go flying."
"I don't care!"
He laughed, and when he set me down, his face turned serious. It was as if he had a premonition.
"Hikari, listen closely. No matter what happens, no matter how hard life gets: you have to live, do you understand? Live fully, don't just exist. Live."
"Dad?"
"Promise me."
"I-I promise."
I forgot his promise and followed my mother's instead.
"Protect the weak," a single directive.
For eighteen years I didn't live. I only existed.
What would he do if he knew? Could he know?
And at that moment, I realized.
A truck was speeding through the dark towards two people.
A man and a little girl.
They were in the middle of the street, and the girl was clutching her ankle.
The driver had no headlights or taillights.
Before I could even think about it, my body acted on its own. I shot forward, using the wind to eliminate air resistance. I told the water to clear from my eyes to sharpen my vision. I also commanded it to dry my footsteps so I wouldn't lose traction.
"Damn it, I'm not going to make it... What do I do?"
I could stop the truck using my powers, but that would only make me less human.
People would investigate my case, and I would become nothing more than a research file. At first, I would be seen as a hero, but over time, that heroism and my powers would become a source of fear... And the fear of the unknown is the strongest kind.
"Tch... what if...?"
If I save them, I save myself at the same time. It would be the execution of my final command, the end of my life's programming. The end of non-existence. It won't be heroic or virtuous. It will be the most selfish act, and at the same time, the most human one.
"I'm sorry, Dad..."
I threw myself between the truck and the girl.
What was I doing?
For a split second, I saw my mother's eyes in hers.
I braced for the impact. The end of everything. I didn't care about anything anymore.
"Let it come..."
The elements understood my final will.
The wind roared against the truck, creating massive resistance. Water turned the asphalt into pure friction. Fire choked the engine, and earth created stone spikes that pierced the undercarriage. That was the final blow needed to stop it dead in its tracks. However, the impact still reached me.
I only had one thought left. Maybe two, I'm not sure anymore.
"Forgive me, Mom, for not protecting anyone else."
A dead person can't do anything.
"Forgive me, Dad, because I didn't live like you told me to."
I died without keeping your promise.
Now, all that remained was the last sensation before death: a high-pitched sound, a loud beep piercing my eardrums.
.
.
.
.
[System Error]
──×××──××─×××××─××
[Loss of communication with the elements following death]
"W-what the hell is this terrifying sensation...?"
When I opened my eyes, all I could see was a pure white world. Then, little by little, my vision started to clear.
"Where... am I?"
I tried to turn my head. I tried to move my hands. But my body wouldn't obey me.
"-----! ------, ------ - --- --------!"
When I finally processed what I was seeing, I realized, or rather assumed, that I had been reincarnated. My "new parents" had apparently been arguing right up until their second child was born.
Wait...
Why can't I hear them anymore?
I tried to use the candle's flame to communicate, but nothing happened.
"Loss of control over the elements..."
I felt... alone.
And, partly, that reassured me.
For the first time, that weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe, just maybe, I could have another chance now.