"Witches and Wizards! And all you highly esteemed professors!"
"Welcome to the Hogwarts House Cup! Today marks the very first match of the school year, pitting Gryffindor against Slytherin!"
"I must apologize. Your good friend, Lee Jordan, won't be joining us today. He was trying to fish in the Black Lake and, well, he ended up having his first kiss stolen by a Merperson. His mind has been... tainted by the experience, so he's unable to commentate."
"I'm your new friend, Lynn. I'd like to thank Professor McGonagall for giving me this chance."
"I'll be providing the live, play-by-play commentary for today's match!"
Lynn, sitting in the commentator's booth, didn't show a lick of stage fright. However, when he mentioned Jordan getting his first kiss nicked by a Merperson, a black-haired chap in the stands next to him started waving his fist in protest. The fellow was wrapped up in a huge scarf, and the mouth hidden beneath it was swollen like a couple of sausages.
This wasn't because Jordan had actually kissed a Merperson. Rather, he had bet a classmate that Merpeople teeth weren't venomous. While fishing in the Black Lake, he pulled up a fish that had been bitten in half. After sampling some 'fresh' raw sashimi, he was successfully poisoned.
"Now entering the pitch is the Gryffindor team!"
"Following Charlie Weasley's graduation, Wood used his sharp eye to find a genius Seeker to bolster the team! This is the first time a first-year student has ever joined a House Quidditch team early. Let's give a massive cheer and a clap for Harri! We wish her a spectacular performance!"
"And next up are the Slytherin House players. Compared to Gryffindor, they are a much more heavily built bunch, especially their Captain, Marcus Flint—his enormous arms look almost as thick as his head! But... why is Marcus's head so pointy?"
"If I recall correctly, the Quidditch rules were changed back in 1770 to ban half-Goblin wizards from playing. The match between the Ogre Outcasts and the Himan Hurrying Vipers was an absolute disaster! Right at the start, members of the Vipers had their heads flattened by shoulder-charges from the Ogre Outcasts, leading to four serious injuries and two deaths. I can only hope that such a tragedy won't unfold in this match."
"Lynn, focus on the match," Professor McGonagall coughed, reminding him from the side.
"Right away, Professor!" Lynn replied instantly.
"And now, Madam Hooch is making sure both teams are completely ready—she pulls out the silver whistle! The match is about to begin!"
As Madam Hooch points her wand at the chest containing the balls, the first golden shadow to zoom off is the Golden Snitch! Next, the Bludgers leap into the air, beginning to circle and accelerate. The biggest of the three, the Quaffle, rises straight up.
The loud whistle blows—the match has begun!
"Gryffindor has possession! It's Angelina Johnson controlling the Quaffle right now. The Slytherin Chasers are closing in; they clearly intend to rely on their size advantage to make a steal—a pass! Katie Bell has the Quaffle, but she's in a tricky spot! The Slytherin Beaters have control of a Bludger! Can George Weasley intercept it in time?"
Lynn's speaking rate is incredibly fast, but every word is clear. The audience's excitement has been completely seized by his rapid-fire commentary only a few seconds into the opening plays.
"George gets squeezed out, but he uses his back to deflect the Bludger, buying time for Katie! But look at Marcus Flint! I have a feeling he's going to foul! A straight charge! Like a rampaging wild bull! Katie pulls up sharply—she nearly fell off her broom! Alicia Spinnet takes the Quaffle! All three Gryffindor girls are doing brilliantly. Perhaps Wood was betting on the girls' superior physical flexibility?"
"Slytherin's defensive circle is broken! Can Terence Higgs' defense stop the goal? He's big enough to block the entire hoop—Watch Fred Weasley! He clubs the Bludger directly, hitting the Beater, Cassius Warrington, who was trying to interfere with the goal! George had already anticipated the Bludger's path! The Keeper should watch out for his large rear end!"
"A perfect Bludger combo! The Slytherin Keeper receives the Bludger attack on his colossal backside! Alicia Spinnet shoots and scores! Gryffindor takes the lead, 10 points!"
Clink!
Lynn presses the score counter. "Ten to zero, Gryffindor leads, and Slytherin now has possession."
Lynn's commentary style is completely different from Lee Jordan's—he's almost providing a real-time documentary of the game. Professor McGonagall nods approvingly beside him; if she didn't know how busy Lynn was usually, she'd seriously consider making him a permanent commentator.
Slytherin's counterattack is equally fierce. The quick and agile Gryffindor team is falling behind on defense. The size difference makes it hard for the three Chaser girls to effectively interfere with the surging Slytherin players. The pressure on Fred and George is suddenly immense, and Wood, flying in front of the goal, is Gryffindor's final line of defense.
"A brilliant save! Wood practically flies off his broom, but he pulls it off! Possession returns to Gryffindor! But Fred is in trouble—Marcus Flint's broom handle caught him across the back, nearly knocking him off! Slytherin has control of the Bludger again! Katie is in danger! She's being cornered—Bludger incoming!"
The Bludger, struck with full force by the Slytherin Beater, is rocketing straight toward Katie's back. Her dodging space is completely blocked by two Slytherin Chasers boxing her in.
Katie, looking a little pale now, hears the sound of it tearing through the air behind her. With no other choice, she is forced to abandon the Quaffle and violently pushes down on her broom, plummeting toward the pitch at an almost ninety-degree angle. Then, using every bit of strength she has, she pulls up sideways, narrowly escaping death by scraping past the decorative cloth below the stands.
But the Bludger aimed at her back doesn't stop. Perhaps the Slytherin Beater swinging the bat today is having an excellent match because the Bludger is still flying dead straight. The young witches and wizards in the stands gasp, immediately ducking and covering their heads. The Bludger zips past their scalps, grazing the stands. Directly in its path, a figure wearing a large scarf, whose face flashes with panic, instinctively tries to crouch down.
But Quirrell's turban is too big. As he tries to duck quickly, he loses his balance. Quirrell, who has the distinct feeling of being pushed from behind, stumbles and twists his body, exposing his large, wrapped head to the Bludger's flight path.
Quirrell, whose face was only slightly panicky a moment ago, is now absolutely white. He getting hit is fine, but his Master cannot be harmed!
He jumps forward with all his might, but—as luck would have it—the Bludger arcs upwards. Unable to change his posture in mid-air, Quirrell takes the full force of the Bludger.
The back of his head caves in significantly. The ball was moving with such incredible force that his forward dive turns into a high-difficulty front somersault. The massive impact to the back of his head leaves Quirrell staggering back onto his feet after flipping two hundred and seventy degrees. His head is ringing, but surprisingly, the back of his head doesn't actually hurt.
"Maybe it's because the turban is thick?"
The moment that thought crosses his mind, a hysterical scream reverberates inside his head, draining the last bit of color from Quirrell's already pale face.
Voldemort is a 'good Master' who cares about his subordinate; he couldn't even bring himself to open his mouth and curse Quirrell out.
Perhaps it's because he's watching his first Quidditch match in decades and he's overcome with excitement, but after one loud shriek, Voldemort completely signs off.
"Professor, are you alright?"
A student sitting near Quirrell was absolutely astonished by his somersault and is now worried about him. After all, Quirrell is already bad enough; if a Bludger hit makes him worse, that would be truly terrifying.
"I'm fine... Fine.... I'm alright... right...."
Quirrell stammers out a wave of his hand and hurriedly walks towards the exit. "I just... I just... need to be alone... a-alone to calm... c-calm down."
He stumbles away, looking completely distraught.
Lynn withdraws his gaze with a touch of regret. He had underestimated the power level of the Voldemort-Brand Cushion. After sitting through Snape's class, he simply cannot accept the idea of Quirrell returning to teach.
The force of that Bludger, amplified by his mental power, was strong enough to shatter a human skull, but it still failed.
"Truly the Legendary 'Hard-to-Kill' King... I underestimated you, Voldemort."