── "Composure"; the origin of this concept traces back to the ancient belief that the soul resides in the liver. "Equanimity" signifies a state of calm, remaining undisturbed by external events. In other words, these terms describe a person possessing a steady spirit and a heart that remains unshaken, no matter the circumstances.
"Deliberately." (Hoshino)
In this situation, however, the "spirits" themselves seemed to tremble. Fear, tension, a parched tongue, and shifting eyes; even the depths of body and soul shuddered. As Hoshino repeated Subaru's words like an echo, she added:
"Why?" (Hoshino)
── Her voice carried a faint laugh, but it was a laugh that froze the very marrow in one's bones. From the way her features tightened, it was painfully clear that this smile was far removed from its original meaning or purpose.
"Arona can hack Kaiser's mechanical bodies. Arius was attacking us too... if I hadn't controlled them and made them strike each other, the situation would have been impossible." (Subaru)
"For that reason... no, even for that reason, Subaru; you... you'll die, won't you? If just one bullet hits a vital spot." (Hoshino)
"I managed to predict the trajectories for the most part, though I suppose it relied on a bit of luck." (Subaru)
"... No, this..." (Hoshino)
Her usual tone crumbled. Surely, if such a thing were possible, Hoshino would have executed the mission herself—but only under the prerequisite that "bullets do not affect her." Predicting a bullet's path is not impossible, and she knows well that it is a gamble with luck because she could do it too. And yet, something was wrong. There was something that could not be put into words, something twisted, something abominable...
"This is wrong... ──" (Hoshino)
"..." (Subaru)
Did she deny it? Could she, of all people—Takanashi Hoshino—deny this act? She would have done the exact same thing herself, and from a strategic standpoint, it was flawless. As long as the result caused no severe damage to the plan, a few wounds were acceptable.
── Did she, who had forced sacrifice upon Subaru, now have the right to tell him he was wrong?
"── Wrong." (Hoshino)
"This is wrong, Subaru. Even if there is no other choice, you must not accept the idea of forming plans based on self-sacrifice. One day, the standards within your heart will shatter; even if it is for our sake, and even if the recklessness you displayed was because of me." (Hoshino)
Hoshino spoke with the tone of a preacher, but her expression was dark, as if she harbored a rage directed not at Subaru, but at something else entirely. The "Yes" Subaru offered in response was not enough to calm the turmoil in her heterochromatic eyes.
"I'll accept everything you've said... but that last sentence is wrong. I can say that clearly, Hoshino." (Subaru)
"...And what happened after they shot you?" (Hoshino)
"After that, well, a lot happened... and I ended up like this." (Subaru)
"Don't summarize." (Hoshino)
"Oh." (Subaru)
Subaru's eyes began to wander. He had already blundered at the start of his story. As for the subsequent battle on the train, it witnessed a brand of recklessness... the kind that would make any listener collapse from horror. The atmosphere was already at its worst, reaching a point where Subaru's eloquence and evasions no longer served any purpose.
In fact, the situation had escalated to the point where Sena was so incensed that everyone in the room had to hold her back and restrain her. The sentence that signaled the start of the interrogation was not sarcasm; it was a fatal miscalculation by Subaru, who never imagined she was speaking from the bottom of her heart.
"Please move out of my way." (Sena)
"W-wait, Hoshino-senpai is still talking! Just wait a little longer!" (Serika)
"I cannot wait." (Sena)
"...I'm sorry, Serika." (Subaru)
"If you want to apologize, bow your head to Sena-san!!" (Serika)
Although watching Sena's behavior was unsettling, and despite knowing everyone was trying to calm her down, Subaru trembled, his courage completely shriveled. Hoshino cleared her throat in the face of Subaru's cowardly state, then said:
"Subaru." (Hoshino)
"...Do I really have to say it?" (Subaru)
"Yes." (Hoshino)
Subaru wanted to avoid opposing Hoshino's iron will at any cost. Feeling the crushing weight of the situation, he began: "After things calmed down a bit...", and then proceeded to recount the details of what followed. In a simplified and concise manner; what he did, what he fought for, and why the fight began in the first place. Every action Subaru took ultimately aimed at saving Nonomi, but...
"───────" (Everyone)
"...──" (Subaru)
"── I see." (Hoshino)
The result was "three fatal mistakes" multiplied by the number of people in the room.
●○●○●
"It was... exhausting..." (Subaru)
As usual, just as he had in many worlds before, he stared up at the star-studded sky.
The interrogation in the room had ground to a halt. While others surely had questions after Hoshino, the atmosphere had grown so heavy that Hoshino rushed out to check on Nozomi and Hikari. Subaru's confession had carried a shocking weight.
They decided to adjourn and postpone the rest until tomorrow. It seemed everyone would collapse before Subaru if the questioning continued any longer.
"Is there more tomorrow too!?" (Subaru)
Enough. He had had enough; he pleaded for mercy. In his mind, an imaginary Subaru performed a groveling apology to an imaginary Hoshino and her friends—a substitute for his actual body, which no longer possessed the strength to even bow properly.
His left arm was a wreck, and he could only move his right leg by dragging it. Constant nausea plagued him, and his unstable footing had become a given.
"Should I lend you a hand?" (Sena)
"Please." (Subaru)
Sena stood beside him—the delicate beauty who seemed haunted by misfortune. Subaru had manipulated her more than anyone, dragging her into the vortex of his actions. Calling her unlucky felt unfair given her strength, but she was undoubtedly a victim of his whims. After all, she had no reason to care for a patient who ignored every instruction.
"You're probably tired of hearing this, but thank you, Sena. I'm sorry for being a nuisance. You've started treating me as if you're my personal doctor." (Subaru)
"I'm also starting to feel anxious about leaving you here and coming back tomorrow. Making me worry... Subaru, you really are a troublesome patient." (Sena)
"It makes me happy to hear you call me by my name... How does it feel, holding the hand of a troublesome patient and watching the stars with him?" (Subaru)
"── I think they're beautiful." (Sena)
This had become Subaru's routine. Whenever he returned safely to Abydos High School, he would climb to the roof to watch the stars. The reason was simple: he loved them.
He loved constellations, the night sky that reflected them, and the stars themselves. It started when he looked up the meaning of his name and discovered he shared it with the Pleiades star cluster. He had been immersed in that passion ever since.
In short, the stars granted him peace. When his heart wavered or soared too far, star-watching—whether alone or with someone else—made his dreams dance with joy.
"..." (Subaru)
Saying they had "slipped away alone" might invite misunderstanding, but the truth was simple: Sena had accompanied Subaru to the roof at his selfish request.
Originally, their relationship was that of mere acquaintances. Since he caused her trouble every time he was injured, he felt both gratitude and regret. And yet...
"Sena, do you usually watch the stars?" (Subaru)
"No. I spend most of my night shifts inside the vehicle. Besides, the Gehenna sky never reveals the stars." (Sena)
"I see... well, let's draw new constellations in the night sky together. I don't know the constellations here, so I'll just improvise..." (Subaru)
The stars in the Abydos sky shone with immense power. The non-reflective sand dunes and the abandoned residential areas made the night so dark that one could barely see the ground beneath their feet.
Feeling a strange sense of unease that the stars were "visible" now—unlike before—Subaru had Sena support his trembling left hand. He then steadied her wrist with his right hand and began tracing lines in the void.
Deep down, he expected Sena to grumble more about accompanying a patient who feared being alone. However, seeing her watch the stars with such earnest interest suddenly ignited a spark of joy within him.
"Hmm-hmm-hmmm~" (Subaru)
"── Does this have any meaning?" (Sena)
Subaru searched the star-filled night for those shimmering lights that loved to stand out, connecting one to another. He told himself that a star would never be lonely again, but his movements in creating these random "pairs" were disorganized and seemingly lacked any real purpose.
If asked whether it had a meaning, the answer was no. It simply comforted him and brought him pleasure. Thus, Subaru replied with a dry laugh:
"None at all. But, if I don't do this..." (Subaru)
"── I feel like I'll forget so many things." (Subaru)
"..." (Sena)
So, he simply made her share the moment with him. There was no specific meaning behind what this troublesome patient was doing; one could call it a mere prescription for a "psychological sedative."
"── Subaru." (Sena)
"There are those back there who owe you their lives, and those who hate seeing you hurt. Why do you go and try to turn yourself into a corpse? I can patch up corpses, but it is difficult for me to heal them." (Sena)
"Some wounds never heal, and the only way to treat such wounds is to prevent them." (Sena)
It was a delicate subject. When Shiroko, Hoshino, Ayane, and Serika heard of Subaru's recklessness, their sorrow outweighed their anger. Aru had been angry for his sake, while Mutsuki and Kayoko were so stunned they were speechless. Haruka... was her usual self. Subaru also remembered Kanna, who had been incensed from the moment he mentioned hooking his hand; she sat in the corner of the room in silence, and the memory of her still terrified him. Everyone he just named had been "wounded" by his recklessness—wounds of the heart, negative emotions that could not be easily treated.
"Can I tell you the truth?" (Subaru)
"It's fine. I can handle a patient's psychological care to some extent." (Sena)
"I don't want to do it, truly. I hate pain even if I don't feel it, and it hurts me to see Hoshino, Shiroko, and the others grieving because of my actions. I want to be the first one to scream in my own face and call myself an idiot, because I couldn't find any way but that." (Subaru)
"I understand." (Sena)
"Then you'll ask: why do I struggle so much, then? Right?" (Subaru)
When you die in ways beyond imagination time and time and time again, the reason you struggle begins to fade. You want to save lives, you want to save Hoshino and the rest; that's wonderful. But the moment Subaru becomes a man who possesses nothing but that goal, the "wounds that never heal" Sena mentioned will remain incurable. The death of the soul, the death of the heart; if Subaru saves Hoshino and the others only with his physical body while they suffer fatal, unhealable spiritual wounds from his efforts, then...
"── The stars are beautiful, aren't they?" (Subaru)
"...?" (Sena)
"Most things I love are like that; beautiful and exquisite simply by existing, making me want to protect them. Even now, the stars just float in space, yet I find myself deeply moved by them on my own." (Subaru)
"I've lived my life always thinking that I didn't want others to hate me, you know? Because of that, I'd rush ahead pointlessly and fail constantly. I didn't want to admit my failures; I was just a fool and a clown..." (Subaru)
"── But I've grown enough to say that about myself, and I feel grateful for the things I love. I love them so much it's unbearable; my heart overflows with it. There's a saying... "The rose blooms without a reason, it blooms because it blooms. It does not care for itself, nor does it mind if people look at it or not." I think in our case..." (Subaru)
"── Sena is the rose, and I look at her and draw healing from my love for her. That is why I fight." (Subaru)
Subaru's end comes when he turns flowers into "dried flowers" instead of protecting them from withering. To prevent that, he remembers; he remembers over and over and over, as many times as he has "Returned by Death." Even if that act feels like a form of self-punishment, it is far better than becoming unable to remember.
"I'm convinced. You are strong despite your weakness, and that is truly impressive." (Sena)
"...Sena, you're either very blunt or perhaps too honest. I think many guys our age would misunderstand your intentions." (Subaru)
"I don't mind even if it isn't a misunderstanding. To me, Subaru, time with you is comfortable and warm." (Sena)
"...See? That's exactly what I mean!" (Subaru)
He lowered his arms from the sky, and they exchanged a smile. But Sena's face looked as if she were asking, "Do you really understand?" When she began to praise him, Subaru found no room for jokes... instead, he remained silent, unable to respond. Seeing his lack of reaction, Sena used the starlight to look at his face, then brought her forehead close to his.
"── W.. Wait!" (Subaru)
"Your face was red and your body was trembling, so I had to check. It seems you don't have a fever. Let's return to the room before your wounds or health deteriorate." (Sena)
"H.. Hehe, that was close! This charming forehead-touching that could strike any normal man dead in love with you... unfortunately, it doesn't affect me. I've prepared for these cliché romance novel situations by reading them beforehand, so──" (Subaru)
"── Subaru?" (Shiroko)
"Why do you show up at a time like this?! This wasn't part of the plan!!" (Subaru)
── From behind, the scene looked exactly like Subaru and Sena's faces were pressed against each other.
By ill luck, or perhaps just a mockery of fate, Shiroko and Hoshino opened the rooftop door at that exact moment. Apparently, they had intended to call Subaru back. Neither expected the first thing they saw to be something so easily misunderstood.
"── Subaru." (Shiroko)
"Nn, could you please stop that serious tone?! Huh?!" (Subaru)
"Oho~, is this how the youth are these days? They've got so much nerve. I see how it is now." (Hoshino)
"Wait! Hoshino, don't play the "old-timer" role now!! and don't put implications in that "I see how it is"?!" (Subaru)
As the two slowly approached him, Sena grabbed the back of Subaru, who was trying to flee, and forced him to face them.
"What a coincidence. I've just finished my business with Subaru—or rather, I've finished tending to the patient—and we were just about to head back." (Sena)
"Business?" (Shiroko)
"He wanted to draw constellations with me, and he held my hand for that purpose." (Sena)
"── Subaru??" (Shiroko)
"You! I thought you were on my side, but you sold me out in cold blood just like that?!" (Subaru)
Whether Sena realized the consequences of her words or not, that "bomb" she dropped left Subaru trapped between Hoshino and Shiroko, who grabbed him from both sides. They were in a posture that suggested they wouldn't let him escape until he told them everything, leaving Subaru utterly panicked. He was supposed to know—he had trained extensively through novels—and Subaru was not one to be ignorant of how to handle such situations. However, when it came to practical application:
"What were you two talking about while you were alone?" (Shiroko)
"W.. We weren't talking about anything weird! I was just telling her that I live for Hoshino and the rest! Of course, of course I love everyone! Everyone gets an equal "love injection"!!" (Subaru)
"Hah?" (Hoshino)
"What?" (Shiroko)
Even that temporary attempt at evasion failed.
"Let's talk in detail, then." (Hoshino)
"Why!?" (Subaru)
"You don't seem to understand This old-timer thinks what you just said was a huge slip-up" (Hoshino)
"No, listen, my eyes have never wandered from you two... ── I love Shiroko very much, I adore her. My partner is Arona, but my true partner is actually none other than Shiroko." (Subaru)
".... And the other girls?" (Shiroko)
"Of course, I love them very much but..." (Subaru)
"Nn, apprehended." (Shiroko)
"Whyyyyy──?!" (Subaru)
And so, Subaru was led away from the roof, restrained on both sides like a dangerous criminal.
●○●○●
"... Hot." (Subaru)
It's hot.
No, is it burning?
"Oh...?" (Subaru)
No, it's actually the cold.
"Guh—... Ghaff!" (Subaru)
Without me doing a thing, blood began to boil and surge up from my mouth.
I spat it onto the ground.
That blood took shape, whispering into Subaru's ear with voices saturated in malice and resentment.
── You useless failure.
"Subaru."
I stand atop the ruins.
I stand atop the desert.
I stand atop the corpses.
Beneath the ruins, corpses pile like mountains. In the heart of the desert, corpses pile like mountains. And amidst those mountains of corpses, even more corpses stack into mountains.
I hear voices from beneath the rubble; I hear voices from the depths of the desert; I hear countless voices rising from those mountains of the dead.
Every voice is a shard of hatred directed at Subaru.
I wasn't allowed to lose a single one of them. This wasn't just another attempt; memory itself dictates: this is all your fault.
"Subaru."
I fill the void with the overflow of my blood. If that isn't enough, I'll use my limbs; if that isn't enough, my soul. I will spend my life on whatever is necessary to carve a path toward the future. I will protect what I want to protect without dying.
But in the end, I remained powerless. Promises were broken, and misery befell everyone I left behind.
I continue to leave ■■■ behind, time and time again.
With every breath, a guilt that proves the depth of my stupidity fills my lungs.
The taste of guilt is much like the taste of blood; yes, exactly like that moment your mouth fills with blood at the point of death.
"Subaru."
The halo vanished, and with it, the ■■■ I held in my arms disappeared. I nearly lost my mind when I realized her eyelids would never open again.
Then, I turned the pistol I took from Kanna toward my own head.
A useless, foolish human. A moron who couldn't protect anything. A brat incapable even of going mad.
The responsibility I shouldered had long ago piled corpses upon my back.
I had no choice. I didn't know the way. I couldn't find the reason.
"Subaru."
── Because I didn't want this to be the reason they died.
I blamed the enemies, I hated the rivals, and I cursed the world. Everyone who died because of Natsuki Subaru's laziness and arrogance—I made them die because of someone else.
Have I grown? Am I finally capable of blaming myself?
If I were truly capable of that, I would have saved them long ago.
"── Subaru!" (Shiroko)
"H-h-h... guff... haff... ah... oh... heh..." (Subaru)
"Big brother, are you okay?! I'll go call the Big Sister from the Emergency Medicine Department!" (Nozomi)
"I'm... fine... cough... wait, what is this?" (Subaru)
It was insanely hot. I sat up abruptly and looked around. Fortunately, the first thing I saw was Shiroko's face, but for some reason, Nozomi was there too.
It was truly strange. Yesterday, after Shiroko led me away... ── I don't remember well what happened next, but I was supposed to have been taken to her sleeping quarters, sleeping beside Shiroko.
So why was this little girl—I mean, Nozomi—here with...
"Hoshino? Ayane? Kanna?? W-what are you all doing here?" (Subaru)
Good grief, the whole group was there, and I had no memory of them arriving.
"... Subaru, you were... having a terrible nightmare..." (Shiroko)
Shiroko wakes up early, just like Hoshino. Being on her level, she's considered the fastest to wake among everyone here. Despite being awake, she couldn't bear to see Subaru in pain beside her as he slept. She tried to wake him and seemed utterly panicked because Subaru wouldn't wake up no matter how much she called.
"Ah~ I just had a bit of a scary dream. And besides, you were definitely sleeping on top of me, you little brat. That's why I felt so hot." (Subaru)
"That was the case, but... ── Are you really okay? Was it because of me?" (Nozomi)
"No, I slept soundly thanks to this "human hot water bottle." What happened to Hikari? Did you come here to play because she hasn't woken up yet and you got bored? I must have captured Nozomi's heart so masterfully that she──" (Subaru)
Subaru moved his hands enthusiastically, trying to lift Nozomi, but he was startled to see her eyes brimming with tears.
He wondered what had happened. Had Nozomi caught a glimpse of his twisted nature and felt disgusted to the point of tears? Anxiety gripped him, but...
"... Natsuki-san." (Kanna)
"What do you want, you home-intruder? The police should possess some integrity. Where did you learn to sneak up to a sick person's pillow while they're sleeping..." (Subaru)
"Save your pathetic jokes for after you wipe away your tears." (Kanna)
"── Tears?" (Subaru)
When she said that, I put my hand to my eyes; they were completely soaked.
It seems this, too, is an effect of losing my senses—trying to joke and mess around without even realizing I was crying. No wonder the atmosphere in the room was frozen like this.
"I really am drowning in tears." (Subaru)
I wiped my tears with the blanket I was using, treating it like a towel without hesitation. Then I gently wiped Nozomi's tears as well. After cleaning our faces, I stood up.
However, I quickly retreated into the warmth of the blanket; the desert morning is freezing. Even if my senses had rusted, the shivering of my body was proof enough. Wrapped in the blanket, I placed my hand on Shiroko's head as she looked at me anxiously.
I pulled her in slightly, "sandwiching" her between my chest and the blanket, and patted her head. As I began to quell Shiroko's anxiety, I was pushing my own away as well. That's when...
"Doesn't the atmosphere seem... physically dark?" (Subaru)
Outside the window, the view I observed was entirely brown.
I narrowed my eyes, trying to discover why the outside scene was tinted brown, and why the classrooms—which should have been flooded with morning light—seemed so dim. Then, I found the reason.
"── What in God's name...!?" (Subaru)
Even when I looked up at the sky, I saw nothing but sand. Last night's stillness had been the calm before the storm. That was the truth behind the night of visible stars.
A raging sandstorm was swirling around Abydos High School, as if erasing the world around it.
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