"What no..." Serena quickly denied it, her voice too high, too fast. "Why do you think so?" She brushed her hair forward, letting it fall like a curtain over her eyes. Her fingers wouldn't stop trembling.
Abi looked at her for a long time. Those too-old, too-knowing eyes in a too-small face. She didn't miss anything.
"Ree, if you are crying because of my health," Abi whispered, then her chest hitched. Cough, cough! She curled in on herself. "Don't cough! I'll be fine." Cough, cough, cough!
The sound was wet and raw. It rattled in the small room.
This time Serena could not hold it in. A single teardrop escaped, hot against her cold cheek. She felt it roll down her cheek, and saw the little girl stretch her hand to wipe it off.
"Yes, Abigail, you will be fine, I will make sure of it." Her voice cracked on the promise. She knelt down and cupped the little girl's face, her thumb rubbing her cheekbone affectionately. Abi's skin was burning up.
Serena exhaled sharply, looking at her, in order to distract herself from the pain she felt she said,
"Who is ready for treasure hunt game," Serena called, forcing brightness into her voice until it hurt her throat. She beamed at the other children, wide and desperate.
"Yeah! Treasure hunt game!" One of the kids exclaimed, and the others scrambled up, their laughter momentarily drowning out the coughing.
Serena played with them till noon. She ran until her lungs burned, hid plastic jewels in flower pots, clapped when they screamed finding them. All the kids were already looking exhausted, cheeks red, hair stuck to foreheads with sweat, but she kept going until her knees almost gave out.
Finally she decided to call it quits. She gathered them and went inside with the children, handing out juice boxes, and promised them that she would come again whenever she was chanced. Her voice snagged on the word _whenever._
Serena turned to them at the gate. She crouched to be at their level. "I will be taking my leave now, always ensure to be good kids, is that clear?"
"Yes Serena!" they chorused.
Before bidding them goodbye she kissed Abigail on her cheek. Abi's fever scorched her lips. The girl clung to her waist, her small fists bunching Serena's shirt, not wanting to let go. Serena had to gently peel her fingers away.
She walked back to her car and every step felt heavier. Her shoulders were caved in. The bright, hopeful mood she came to the shelter in was gone, replaced by something leaden sitting in her stomach. It wasn't sadness. It was helplessness.
She sat in the driver's seat for a long minute without starting the engine, forehead resting against the wheel, breathing hard.
Then she forced herself upright. She needed to move. She needed to do something.
She decided to make a stop at the hospital where Maria was admitted to check on her and the baby and also to see Abigail's doctor to further understand what they could do with her health. She willed herself to be strong, swallowing the lump in her throat. For Abi. And for herself.
Serena had wanted to adopt Abigail the very first time she came to the children's shelter. She remembered it so clearly — the first day, six months ago, this tiny girl with scraped knees had marched up and wrapped her arms around Serena's leg and refused to let go. From that moment Serena found herself drawn to the girl, and Abi would never leave her side either, always clinging to her hips like a second skin, her shadow. It was painful for her that the girl would have to face all this so early in her life, this unfair, cruel thing. It was unsettling, it felt wrong in her bones.
She stopped at a florist shop on her way to the hospital to get flowers for Maria. White lilies. And a basket of fruits as well. She had learned from the internet at 2 a.m. that a breastfeeding mother needs so much fruits and vitamins to properly breast feed. She wanted to do it right.
She parked her car in the hospital parking lot, the underground lot cold and humming with fluorescent light, as she made her way to the entrance.
Inside, the air smelled like disinfectant and money.
"Where is Maria Fisher's room, please?" Serena asked the receptionist seated at the reception area. Her voice was small.
"How are you related to her, Miss?" the receptionist asked politely, looking her over.
"I'm a family friend."
"Okay, she was recently moved to the vvip room Miss, you will have to take the stairs to the elevator on your right, the second room on the 8th floor is her room." The receptionist explained patiently.
"Thanks." Serena followed her directions, her sneakers squeaking against the polished floor.
The hospital is one of the most renowned hospitals in country V and it was owned by Kathy's father. It didn't smell like a hospital. It smelled like a hotel. Serena knocked on the door and heard a soft and faint "Come in" before she entered.
She turned to see Maria breastfeeding her baby, exhausted but glowing, with a Dextrose drip fixed at her left hand and a urine bag nearly invisible beneath the bed. Serena quietly dropped the flowers and the fruit basket on the nearest table, not wanting to disturb them.
"Oh Serena, it's so good to see you, thank you for coming."
The vvip room was more like a luxury apartment. Serena had never seen a hospital room with a separate sitting room for visitors and light pink walls that made everything look soft and peaceful.
"How are you doing Maria?" Serena asked as she sat down on the bed beside her, careful not to jostle her.
"I'm doing great, Miss Serena. Looking at my adorable daughter makes all the pain from the surgery go away." She said as she gazed at her daughter lovingly, her eyes tired and full.
"She sure is beautiful and looks just like you." Serena told her, and for a second her own throat closed up. She wondered if she would ever be able to carry her own child like this one day, hold something that was hers. "I brought you fruits, make sure to eat them, they are very good for breastfeeding mothers."
"You didn't have to Miss Serena, you and everyone at the shelter has been so good and kind to us." Maria said as she settled the baby in the crib and turned to hold Serena's hand. Her grip was warm and weak.
"I heard from the nurses that you and Miss Kathy are the reason why I'm staying at this luxurious and beautiful room, I am so grateful to the both of you."
"Don't say that, it's all Kathy's influence I had nothing to do with this. Her father owns this hospital she would not have let you or anyone from the shelter stay in any other place besides the best."
"Still Serena, all this wouldn't have been possible without you, you are so kind, I hope you find all the happiness that you deserve." Maria prayed for her. "And please extend my greetings to Miss Kathy."
"No problem, actually we had planned to come here together but she was busy with work and could not make it."
"That's fine." Maria moved to carry her baby and gave her to Serena. "I saw as you have been staring at her ever since you came in."
When Serena held the baby in her arms, the little girl that was sleeping suddenly opened her eyes — bright, startled blue — and smiled at Serena. A wide, gummy, unthinking smile.
Serena felt her breath stop. Something cracked open in her chest.