Around 7 p.m., Chen Jin returned home. As he entered the bedroom, he saw Lin Wan holding a bottle of medicine, pouring the contents into her palm. Startled by his sudden appearance, her hand shook, and several pills fell to the floor. He felt a pang of irritation and asked, "Seeing me scares you that much? Am I a tiger?"
Lin Wan quickly swallowed a pill with some water and replied calmly, "People are scarier than animals."
Chen Jin walked over and sat down beside her, asking, "Are you still bleeding today?"
Lin Wan was holding the cup to her mouth, and she immediately choked. He quickly patted her back, concerned, "Are you alright?"
She coughed, her eyes red from the strain, and angrily retorted, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
"The doctor said we need to monitor the bleeding, didn't I just show concern for you?" Chen Jin responded.
"Who asked for your concern?"
"Ah, you wouldn't believe how many people want my concern, but I give it only to you."
"I don't need it."
"Too bad, you don't get a say. I'll give it to you anyway."
"Desperate."
Chen Jin instantly bristled, his eyes narrowing as he asked, "What did you just say?"
Seeing the situation wasn't good, Lin Wan immediately stood up and tried to leave the bedroom. Chen Jin grabbed her arm, pulling her back. She lost her balance and fell onto his lap. He held her firmly, asking, "Wan Wan, what's your zodiac sign?"
She didn't answer. He smiled and teased, "You must be a fox, right?"
Lin Wan watched TV in the living room for a while but found it boring. Nini was locked in the balcony, and Chen Jin had taken the key, saying that she needed to stay away from the dog while her body was still weak. Nini, stuck in the cage, whined endlessly. Lin Wan was annoyed by the noise and returned to the bedroom to read. Her body felt weak, and she barely got through a few pages before the sleepiness took over. Chen Jin was still working in the studies. She put the book on the nightstand and pulled the blanket over herself.
She fell into a deep sleep. But in the middle of the night, she was suddenly awakened by the sound of a baby crying. The cries grew louder, more desperate, breaking her heart. Lin Wan immediately scrambled out of bed, hurriedly putting on her slippers and running to the next room. She turned on the light and whispered, "What's wrong, baby? Mommy's here."
She approached the crib, bent down to pick up the baby, but froze when she saw the tiny, chubby hand waving in the air. It only had two fingers. She took a step back in shock. As the baby continued to cry, it suddenly opened its mouth and vomited a stream of fresh blood. The blood kept flowing, soaking its little body in seconds...
Chen Jin had been busy in the study until after 10 p.m. He had barely fallen asleep when Lin Wan's scream jolted him awake. He immediately pushed her, calling, "Wan Wan, wake up!"
Still trapped in the nightmare, Lin Wan opened her eyes, her face filled with terror as she mumbled, "Two... only two..."
Chen Jin held her tightly, not understanding, and asked, "What's two? What did you dream about?"
Lin Wan shook her head, crying softly in his arms, "She only had two fingers. She was deformed... I shouldn't have kept her. I was wrong..."
Chen Jin's heart skipped a beat, and he thought he understood, but he couldn't make sense of it. Lin Wan's sobs continued, "But she is still dead... what should I do?"
Chen Jin didn't have time to think much. He patted her back, his voice low, "She didn't die."
Lin Wan looked up at him, her tear-streaked face illuminated by the faint light from outside. Her large eyes glistened like two pools of water. Chen Jin reached up and wiped away her tears, speaking gently, "She went to heaven."
Lin Wan seemed to half-believe it, still crying as the tears flowed. Chen Jin continued to gently wipe her tears, his voice soothing, "It's a good place. She'll be happy there. Wan Wan, trust me."
Lin Wan rested her head against his chest, still shivering. Her tears soaked his nightshirt. Chen Jin wanted to say something more, but his throat was tight, and no words came out. He lowered his head, gently kissing her on the top of her head, softly patting her back.
He didn't know how long it was before Lin Wan finally stopped crying, her breathing slowing and becoming more even. Only then did Chen Jin open his eyes. He gently laid her down and covered her with the blanket before getting up. He walked to the study, turned on the desk lamp, and took out a cigarette from the drawer. He lit it quickly and took a deep drag, coughing from the harshness. The brand he usually smoked now felt too strong for him. He fought the urge to cough again, continuing to smoke until he finished the cigarette. Only then did he feel a little relief. His chaotic emotions slowly began to calm down.
Lin Wan's words, "Deformed," had struck him like a bolt of lightning. As he had comforted her to sleep, he had thought it through. The Chinese people often believed in karma and loved to curse others. There was a famous curse: "A child without a penis." He had never believed in superstitions. Even if karma existed, he wasn't afraid of it. Everyone had to die, and once you'd lived your life, death was just a formality. But some people believed, like Lin Wan. He didn't know how much this belief influenced her decision to have an abortion, but it hurt him. In her eyes, he was a villain, someone who didn't deserve a healthy child.
Children. The word echoed in his mind. Chen Jin sighed deeply. In life, he played many roles—son, brother, friend, boss—but he had never thought about being a father. Maybe it was because "what's lost is always the best," but now, for the first time, he really missed that child. For some reason, he kept imagining it was a boy, and one who looked like him. If the child had been born, he would have spoiled him to the heavens...
Chen Jin didn't dare think further. Imagination was the most painful thing. You could see it as hell or heaven, but either way, it would hurt. He lit another cigarette, closing his eyes and focusing intently as he inhaled and exhaled, as if it was the most important thing in the world.
But there were still more important things than smoking. By the third cigarette, Chen Jin remembered something. He stubbed it out, got up, and went back to the bedroom. He found Lin Wan's bag in the closet, glancing at her to make sure she was still sleeping soundly. He gently unzipped the bag and, after a quick search, pulled out a pill bottle.
Back in the study, Chen Jin turned on the lamp and carefully read the label on the pill bottle. The medicine was called "Sulpiride," and the small print clearly listed its various effects. The more he read, the more his heart sank. Finally, he gripped the bottle tightly, almost crushing it in his hand.
Taking a deep breath, he opened his computer. The boot-up process felt unusually long. Finally, once the system was ready, he typed three words into the search bar and clicked on the first search result. Skipping over the conceptual text, he scrolled directly to the symptoms section.
"Sleep disorders... female patients may experience menstrual irregularities... reduced appetite and significant weight loss... decreased libido... severe cases may have suicidal thoughts and behaviors."
When he reached the end, his grip loosened, and the bottle slipped from his fingers, falling to the floor with a loud crash, startling him. He instinctively looked toward the door, then realized he hadn't taken a breath. He exhaled deeply, collapsing back into his chair.
He wanted to laugh, but all that came out was a bitter smile. He had always prided himself on being smart, but now he felt like the most clueless person in the world. Lin Wan wasn't normal—she was getting more and more unwell, and he knew it. But he had never thought it was this serious. He thought she was being dramatic, weak, or that she couldn't move past her past lover. He even resented her for it, constantly trying to erase the image of him from her heart. He thought about it endlessly, but he had never once considered that she was suffering from depression.