Chapter 13
"Harry, I've been thinking that in the event that something should happen to me and I 'pass on,' so to speak, you're going to need another version of me to help you out."
"That may be true, Tommy, but remember that my life is now tied to your life as well? To kill you, an enemy would have to kill me as well, and we know Hermione wouldn't like that."
"Too right, I wouldn't."
"I think my point still stands, Hermione. We're going to need all the help we can get, even if it is from … myself."
"Well, Tommy, tell us more."
"I was thinking we could use one of my soul pieces in one of my Horcruxes."
"Could you go into more detail? What, exactly, is a Horcrux?"
"A Horcrux, to put it simply, is an object into which a wizard puts a piece of his soul. As long as that object remains intact with the soul piece, the soul cannot pass on to the Afterlife. For the reason that a Horcrux is unnatural, it is, of course, forbidden as Dark Magic. When I once asked my Potions professor, Professor Slughorn, about the subject, he was very uneasy."
"How does a person divide his soul, Tommy?"
"Think of one of the most unnatural acts there is …" Both Harry and Tommy caught a brief glimpse of a racy image, only to have it shoved out of their collective mind as Tommy ranted, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! THAT'S A BAD HERMIONE! YOU ARE A NAUGHTY, SICK, PERVERTED, TWISTED, LITTLE WITCH! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!"
"What was that image, Tommy?"
"You don't want to know … not until you're older,meathead! I think I'm going to need a mental barf bucket for this – or a brick wall to beat my head against! I'll admit, I've done some pretty awful things in my previous life, but nothing that sick!"
"I was off base?" Hermione almost sounded disappointed.
"Yes, Hermione, you were WAY off base! Sex, or whatever perverted variation of it you thought, doesn't even enter into the equation. It's murder!"
"Oh … yet another reason why it's forbidden, Tommy? You have to kill a person to create a Horcrux?"
"Yes! The Smartest, and I might possibly add, The Most Perverted Witch of the Age figures it out yet again!"
"You aren't going to let me forget about that, will you?"
"Nope."
"Okay, so getting back to the topic, and off of Hermione's perverted imagination," (there was an indignant "Hey!" from Hermione), "you said Horcruxes, Tommy. How many have you made, and which objects did you use?"
Tommy counted quickly to himself. "I created six in all, one of them quite by accident. I used my Uncle Morfin's ring (after framing him for my father's murder), Slytherin's locket, Hufflepuff's cup, Ravenclaw's Diadem, my Diary, and the accidental Horcrux is you, Harry."
"I think I figured that out, Tommy."
Hermione had tears in her eyes at this thought. "Does this mean Harry may have to die so we can defeat Voldemort?"
"I hope not, Hermione, I most certainly hope not. I just want a nice, happy life with the two of you without some Manipulative Old Prick or a Dark Lord Wannabe who wants to kill us, is that too much to ask? A beautiful and smart lady to love won't be bad, either …" Tommy sighed.
"You still miss Ophelia, don't you?"
"Yes."
"How about we bring her back for you?"
"First off, no offense, Hermione, but I'd almost say you're out of your freaking mind – it's impossible! Second of all, even if it was possible, how would we do it?"
"Remember the Tale of the Three Brothers from Beedle the Bard?"
"You're giving me that fairy tale as an answer? Hermione, you have to do better than that."
"Tommy, I thought you grew up with Muggles. Where did you hear of Beedle the Bard, whoever he was?"
"I did grow up with Muggles, Harry, but I later got to read Beedle the Bard, a storyteller from the Wizarding World, when I was at Hogwarts. His collection of fairy tales is a good one."
"Okay, before we go any further in this discussion, what is the Tale of the Three Brothers?"
"Harry,it's about these three brothers who conjure a bridge to cross a river. When they cross, they meet Death, who offers each one a reward for being so clever as to beat him. The first one asks for the most powerful wand in existence, so Death makes him the Elder Wand. The second one asks for a way to recall people from Death, so Death makes him the Resurrection Stone. The third, being humble, asks for a way to leave without being seen by Death, and so Death hands over his Invisibility Cloak.
The first brother went into a town and picked a fight with another wizard, beating him with no problems. Proud as he was, he bragged that nobody could beat him with his new wand. That night, another wizard stole the Elder Wand and slit his throat."
Harry cringed. "Ew … continue, Hermione."
"The second brother went home and used the stone to recall his fiancée, who had died a tragic death. Having gone from this world, she did not belong in it anymore, and because of this,she seemed cold and distant. In despair, the second brother hung himself.
As for the third brother, Death could not find him, no matter where he searched, until one day, many years later, the third brother passed it on to his son, and so, he left with Death as an equal."
"Yeah, that's great, Hermione … give us a story about the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand in existence, the Resurrection Stone, which can bring back the dead … that's what you were thinking of, right?"
"Yes. Continue, Tommy."
"And … holy mother of Merlin, we have an Invisibility Cloak, don't we, Harry?"
"Oh, yeah, Tommy, that we do!" Harry got it out and felt it. Sirius had told him that it was his dad's when he got the delivery from Ragnok (which had the possessions which the Headmaster had stolen from him, or bought with his money). "So what does this mean?"
"Harry, Tommy, I'm thinking if one of these objects exists, surely the others exist as well. What do you think, Tommy?"
"It's a long shot, Hermione, but if we're lucky it'll be worth it. Tomorrow morning, we head out to Godric's Hollow to find some clues on this."
~DAHP~
In the cemetery of Godric's Hollow, Professor Severus Snape was kneeling in front of Lily Potter's grave with tears in his eyes. He then heard a voice say, "Hello, Severus, you're just the man I was hoping to see."
Professor Snape turned around to see a familiar young boy with dark eyes, but it couldn't be … "Milord?"
"Severus, is something wrong?"
"Milord, forgive me, but I heard you died."
"That's true, Severus. I did die, but a piece of me got stuck in Harry Potter, all thanks to Lily's sacrifice."
"You mean her murder, Milord." Severus's voice was cold.
"She need not have died, Severus ..."
"AND YET YOU KILLED HER ANYWAY!"
"That's true, Severus. I will not deny it. Did Dumbledore tell you what he did with Harry Potter?"
"All the Headmaster told me was that Potter was safe."
"That's a lie, Professor Snape," growled Harry, revealing himself. "I was far from safe at the house he placed me – in fact, the abuse I suffered at the hands of my uncle almost saw me dead once."
Upon hearing this, Severus's black eyes started smoldering with flames – he, too, had suffered abuse – at the hands of his father, a magic-hating Muggle named Tobias Snape. "Milord Potter, it is an honor to meet you at last. I'm hoping my ears are deceiving me – you were abused?"
"Professor Snape –" began Harry.
"Milord Potter, you may call me Severus. I'm not your professor yet."
"Very well – Severus – I haven't received my Lordship yet, so you could call me Harry, if you so wish."
"Granted, but it is an old habit. Also, I take it that since you conquered the Dark Lord, you are the one behind this phoenix image on my arm."
Harry grinned. "Oh, yeah – guilty as charged. While we're here, let me introduce you to the future Lady Potter ..." at that point, Hermione came out, "Hermione."
"Milady," Severus said, kissing her hand.
"Severus, you do us great pleasure. So, can you tell us whose side you're on – Dumbledore's, Voldemort's, or ours?"
"I am on your side, of course, Milady, but can you answer me one question?"
"Yes, you may."
"Isn't this person with My Lord and Lady none other than Lord Voldemort?"
"No, Severus, his name's Tommy Riddle – the person who would later become known as Lord Voldemort."
"My apologies, Master Riddle. You still look as charismatic as ever when I first met you."
"Thank you, Severus, but please – call me Tommy."
As he talked with these three people, Severus Snape became more convinced that Dumbledore was not the wonderful Leader of the Light who he claimed to be – he suspected as much, but this entire conversation affirmed his suspicions, causing him to solidify his allegiance as a vassal to the Most Ancient and Noble House of Potter and its future Lord and Lady. Harry, Tommy, and Hermione could not have been happier, especially when they found the graves of the the three Peverell brothers with an interesting symbol – a vertically bisected circle within a triangle. Tommy said, "Harry, Hermione, Severus, I recognize the symbol! I've seen it on my uncle's ring!"
"Tommy, this is excellent!" said Hermione. "It seems that the Peverells were the original owners of the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone, and the Invisibility Cloak. We're making excellent progress indeed. Now all we need is a victim, and we will be all set."
"A victim, you say, Milady? I have the perfect one in mind ..." said Severus.
~DAHP~
A little rat called Scabbers, but better known as Peter Pettigrew, was running around the home of a family known as the Weasleys, who had taken him in as a pet rat, not knowing about his status as an Animagus. The Weasleys claimed to be a family of the Light, but that was not the entire story. The family had become cursed with poverty ever since it weaselled away in cowardice from the service of its Lord Potter in battle, hence the name. In spite of their cowardice, however the Weasleys managed to make it into Gryffindor House for so many years remained a mystery. The only two that did not go into Gryffindor House, going into Slytherin instead, were disowned without a moment's thought. The thought of any Weasley inside the pit of snakes known as Slytherin House was anathema, after all, there was a reputation to uphold.
Ever since he felt his mark burn, Pettigrew was very worried about his status, especially considering that his old master had been conquered. Following the summmons, he found his new master, Harry Potter, who trapped him in a snug cage and took him before the Ministry for questioning. Being pumped full of Veritaserum (a truth potion), he sang like a little jailbird, bringing forth a full pardon for Sirius Black. As a token of thanks, the Ministry decided to hand Pettigrew over to Harry's custody. A gleeful Harry said to him, "When I'm done with you, Pettigrew, you will have wished the Ministry had handed you to the Dementors."
Peter Pettigrew's fate was to have both of his hands cut off as ingredients in the potions to bring back Tommy Riddle and Ophelia Granger. Tommy Riddle came out of his cauldron looking very much like the young boy who had entered Hogwarts all those years ago, with his jet-black hair and dark eyes. The beautiful Ophelia Granger had black hair and eyes of a cold sky blue. Upon seeing her, Harry thought of a stanza of poetry by George Gordon, Lord Byron, which read:
"She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best in dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies."
After they had finished torturing Pettigrew, they killed him by slitting his throat. King Minos threw him into the icy lake of Treachery in the time span of a few seconds.
The Angel of Death appeared amidst the gathering, and while he was not happy about Ophelia coming back to Earth, he was somewhat mollified by the death of Peter Pettigrew. He also asked for a couple other things in exchange. The first thing he asked for would be the rest of Voldemort's Horcruxes – Tommy's new body and his soul piece in Harry would be permitted to stay. He gave them a ball to store the active Horcruxes; when they had all of them, the ball could be tossed into the Veil at the Ministry. The other thing he asked for was the soul of Albus Dumbledore – he said, "As for how to get that, use your imagination."
~DAHP~
Now that Sirius was pardoned, Pettigrew was dead, and Tommy and Ophelia were living again, the foursome, along with the Grangers and Sirius decided to head out for a vacation to Disney World. There, they got to meet Remus "Moony" Lupin, who held the distinction of being the only Marauder who was also a Prefect. He also held the distinction of being a werewolf, but this didn't bother Harry in the least. What DID bother Harry was the incessant song of "It's a Small World After All." Thanks to the fact that the rest of his group held him down, Disney World was not obliterated off the map!
Coming out of Disney World, Harry was trembling. "Please, just make it stop ..."
"It's all right, darling, you're okay now," said Hermione, kissing him.
Sirius and Remus sneezed, "Get a room!"
Harry turned to glare at them for a moment, then rolled his eyes as he mutterred, "What are we gonna do with those two nutcases?"
~DAHP~
"HARRY! HARRY! WE'VE GOT OUR LETTERS TO HOGWARTS, ALL FOUR OF US!" Tommy came running into the dining room, his face lit up in excitement.
"All four of us? Really?" Ophelia was just as excited.
"Let's see … Harry James Potter, Hermione Jean Granger, Thomas Marvolo Riddle … can't they just call me Tommy on these things? … oh, and Ophelia Minerva Granger."
A squealing missile impacted into Tommy, and he fell down. Ophelia then gave him a resounding kiss, accompanied by another blinding light, this one of blue and black. When it faded, Harry quipped, "It looks like we'll have to change her middle name to Missile, eh, Tommy?"
With a slight wince, Tommy got up. "We're gonna have to change her last name too, Harry … to Riddle."
"Tommy, I was joking about changing her middle name to Missile ..."
"Well, I wasn't joking about her last name changing, Harry ..."
"Wait, you mean ..." Tommy nodded, and this time, it was Harry who impacted into him, screaming, "I'M GONNA HAVE AN UNCLE! I'M GONNA HAVE AN UNCLE!"
"Correction, Harry," said a smiling Hermione, "you're gonna have a great-uncle."
"Yep, Hermione, that's it … I'm great, and now I'm an uncle as well."
"No, Tommy, that's not what I … oh, forget it. Congratulations, Tommy. Welcome to the family."
"Hermione, what do you mean? I'm already part of the family!"
"Well, now you're part of the family in two ways, Tommy. You're married to Ophelia, and you're a part of Harry."
Ophelia said, "Wait a minute … we can hear each other in our thoughts?"
"That's right, Ophelia. We can."
Harry thought with a groan, "Oy, gevalt, I'm living in a cuckoo clock ..."
"We're all in this together, Harry. All of us are here to support you."
"That's right, Harry. Tommy and I owe all this to you."
Fawkes took the letters to Minerva McGonagall, who smiled at the news about Ophelia.
~DAHP~
Harry's 11th birthday could not arrive too soon. With it arrived at least four visitors: Professor Minerva McGonagall, Head of Gryffindor House, Professor Pomona Sprout, Head of Hufflepuff House, Professor Filius Flitwick, Head of Ravenclaw House, and Professor Snape, Head of Slytherin House. With these were Griphook and Lord Ragnok. Upon entering, they greeted Harry with, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LORD POTTER!"
"I should have known you would show up to greet me with that," said Harry with a smile. "Welcome, Professors, Master Griphook, and Lord Ragnok, to my humble abode."
"My name is Professor Minerva McGonagall, Lord Potter. Your parents were two of my favorite students. With me here are the other Heads of House: Professor Pomona Sprout, Professor Filius Flitwick, and Professor Severus Snape."
"Well, before I protest that I haven't received my Lordship yet, let me now get to it: I, Harry James Potter, do accept my position as Lord of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Potter, so mote it be." With that statement, a red flash of lightning hit his hand, where a ring appeared with a phoenix on it – the ring of the Potter family. "Good. Now that the matter is taken care of, let me introduce you to the rest of my family. First, I would like to introduce the Lady Hermione Jean Potter." Hermione came with a brilliant smile on her face as she said, "Welcome again to you all, Professors and Goblins."
"Next, let me introduce her parents, Dr. Dan and Dr. Emma Granger." They came in smiling and shook everyone's hands, even those of the Goblins.
"Some of you may know these two troublemakers … my Godfather, Sirius 'Padfoot' Black, and my honorary uncle, Remus 'Moony' Lupin."
"HEY! What kind of way is that to introduce your Godfather, Milord?"
"It's an accurate way of describing you two knuckleheads, Sirius."
Remus put a hand to his chest. "Milord, you wound me. You know I was the smarts of your father's group, may he rest in peace."
"Your Moony-ness may be right about that, but I also know what a bad influence Padfoot can be on you. Not to mention you're a bad influence on him, especially when the words 'drinking contest' are involved."
This brought out a guffaw from Professor Snape, as Professor McGonagall asked with a smirk, "So how long have you lived with these two – animals?"
"Oh, about four years, Professor McGonagall. It's a miracle my sanity's still intact."
"Try seven years, Milord." This brought out yet more laughter. When everyone had calmed down, Harry continued, "Last but not least are my two vassals, probably my closest vassals because they are also family. Let me introduce you to Tommy and Ophelia Riddle."
There was a collective gasp of awe at the new couple. Tommy said, "Good morning, Professors and most honored Goblins."
Professor Flitwick cleared his throat. "Mrs. Riddle, your face looks quite familiar. Were you at Hogwarts before?"
"Yes, I was, Professor. I was in Ravenclaw House. My name was originally Ophelia Granger."
"Why don't we all sit down and have some tea? I have a feeling this is going to take a while," said Harry. He then told what he could of his story, with plenty of commentary support from Tommy and Hermione. When the tale was finished, Professor McGonagall asked, "So, Milord, what do you suggest we do about Albus 'Manipulative Old Prick' Dumbledore? He can't stay in jail forever, you know."
"Let him come back to Hogwarts, so we can make more trouble for him."
"Speaking of trouble, Milord, I have to run back home and get my present for you," said Severus. "I'll be right back." He left the house and Disapparated.
"I hope it's not more trouble he means, Professor McGonagall."
"Milord, Severus used to be a serious person, that is, until those two went into his house."
Severus came back with two twins behind him. The sight of these two produced a roar of laughter from everyone gathered, as the hair was painted green, but the red hair refused to go. As Harry managed to calm down, he said through his laughter, "Severus … I know … it's my birthday … you didn't have to get my Christmas present too!" That comment set off another round of laughter.
"Milord, allow me to present to you Fred and George, formerly of the Weasley family. Fred, George, this is Lord Harry Potter."
"Were they disowned, Severus? If so, for what reason?"
"Milord," began Fred, "as you may or may not know, the Weasley family got its name from weaselling out of its service in battle to its sovreign liege Lord Potter, and has suffered from poverty ever since."
"As soon as the Weasleys had a daughter, by the name of Ginny, they've started a plot to get out of poverty," said George.
"Was this the same Ginny who made a marriage contract with me?"
"Aye, Milord, it's the very same Ginny. The plan, very simply, was this – "
" – Hopefully, you would arrive at Hogwarts with no friends, except, perhaps, for our little brother Ron – "
" – Dumber than a troll, he is, Ron. He's dumber than a train wreck, even. Tends to have a constant case of 'foot-in-mouth,' and he speaks before he thinks."
"I think trolls might take offence at that, Fred. Ron has awful table manners, too, not to mention he's lazy. We think Mum wants him to hook up with someone intelligent, someone like – oh, I don't know … Milady," George said bowing to Hermione.
"I'm sorry, boys, but I'm already taken."
"Ophelia's also taken, boys, and Ron's not going to get through me," said Tommy, stepping in front of her. "Perhaps you've heard of me – Tommy Riddle."
"Yes, we have, Tommy, and you're a legend in Slytherin. Won't Hogwarts be surprised to have you back!"
"Back to the subject, Fred … George … what would the family do if I was already taken?" asked Harry.
"They would spike you with Love Potions," they said back.
"That sounds bad."
"It IS bad, Milord," said Severus, whose voice had lost all humor. "When ingested, a Love Potion can cause you to fall into a state of infatuated delirium for an amount of time. There's no telling what you might do under its influence. Strengths of a Love Potion's effects can range from light infatuation, to lust, and, at a certain point, it can induce a coma or death. Of course, for these reasons and more, Love Potions are seen as some of the darkest potions around, and even attempted use of them on a human being can have severe legal consequences."
"When we learned of the plan, we refused to participate in it and the Weasleys disowned us. Having that on our records, we made it into Slytherin and have never looked back."
Harry stood up. "Considering this, lads, I am willing to adopt you into my family. I, Lord Harry James Potter of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Potter, do accept you Fred, and you, George, into my family as my brothers. So mote it be."
"We accept," the twins said. The phoenix motif of the Potter family appeared on their robes.
~DAHP~
Since the group had bought most of their supplies already, there was one more stop to make at Ollivander's. Ollivander, it turned out, was an old wandmaker who had an uncanny memory for his customers and their wands. "Tom Riddle … thirteen and a half inches, yew wood, phoenix tail feather. You still have it, I trust?"
"Yes, indeed, Ollivander. My friends here need wands."
Ollivander turned to Ophelia. "Ophelia Granger … ten inches, ash wood, unicorn hair."
"It's Riddle now, Ollivander. Ophelia Riddle."
"Is that so? Congratulations! Now, how about we find you a new wand? Let's see … here we go … nine inches, willow, and a tail hair of a Thestral ..." Ophelia waved the wand and it produced a blue spakle. "Marvelous! Now, to find new wands for these ..."
He turned to Hermione. "Lady Potter, here's a wand … 9¾ inches, vinewood, core of dragon heartstring ..." Hermione waved it and it shot blue fire. "Most excellent! Now, Lord Potter … let me see … here we go … 11 inches, holly wood, core of phoenix feather ..." The wand worked just as well for Harry, producing a bolt of lightning. "Very good," said Ollivander. "Very good indeed ..."
~DAHP~
The trip to Hogwarts was uneventful. Thanks to the concealments on the cloaks, the group was not bothered by any others, except for the trolley lady, who gave them sweets. Harry did get to meet one boy on the train – Neville Longbottom, whom he decided to take under his wing. For his part, Neville looked up to Harry and was more than happy to be considered his friend and ally … "Wherever you go, Harry, there I will go, even if it's into the mouth of Hell."
Tommy ruffled Neville's hair. "Harry, I like this kid. To keep him I want, for far in the ways of the Force he shall go."
Harry smiled. "Yes, Neville will go far, regardless of where he ends up. His loyalty would get him in Hufflepuff, while his bravery will get him into Gryffindor. Although, I hope he has cunning and ambition enough for Slytherin."
~DAHP~
"First years over here! First years over here! Lord Potter, how are you?"
This greeting came from a large giant. Tommy thought, "Oh, this is just great. Rubeus Hagrid is still here? Awkward!"
"I'm doing well, sir. How about you?"
"I'm doing fine. Glad to see you're making friends already. They're some of the most important people to you, friends are. Everyone here? Allright, no more than four to a boat!"
As this class of first years made it sailing across the Black Lake, Harry found Ron and with a wandless push, sent him out of the boat to fall into the Lake, then, much to the laughter of everyone else, the Giant Squid picked him up and tossed him to the other shore like a quarterback tosses a football, all while Tommy was humming the Notre Dame Fight Song. Upon seeing Ron land, Harry put up his hands and said, "It's good!" He could also see Draco Malfoy, some distance away, laughing and mouthing at him, "Good one, Lord Potter!"
~DAHP~
Albus Dumbledore was back, and he didn't have anything to worry about for now. He watched as the first years came up, and started wondering to himself, "Where is Harry Potter?" Strange as it may have sounded, Harry was nowhere to be seen, nor was Miss Granger.
The Sorting came along, and, according to the list that Professor McGonagall was reading through, Harry Potter had not made it to Hogwarts this year. He was so sure that Harry would be here this year …
Neville Longbottom, Slytherin. That was a bit of a surprise. Draco Malfoy, Slytherin. That wasn't so surprising … his father Lucius was a Slytherin, after all. Ophelia Riddle? What was going on here? Slytherin? His face blanched when he heard, "Thomas Riddle." It couldn't be! Of course, the Sorting Hat put him into Slytherin … no big surprise there … but where was Harry? Ron Weasley went into Gryffindor, of course … but where was Harry?
The Sorting Hat spoke up: "And now, without further ado, please welcome the Lord and Lady of Hogwarts … Lord Harry Potter and his Lady, Hermione Potter!"
A boom of thunder filled the air and lightning lit up the sky as Harry and Hermione appeared at the Entrance to the Great Hall. Tommy and Ophelia stood up and started using their wands to conduct a rythmic figure in 4/4 time: one eighth note, eighth rest, another eighth note, two sixteenth notes, an eighth note, two sixteenth note triplets, and an eighth note to finish, all at a moderately slow pace. Fred and George added the trumpet parts, and the Muggle-borns joined in, recognizing the tune as "The Imperial March" by John Williams. The Pureblood bigots didn't recognize it for what it was, of course, but the symbolism of the Muggle-borns singing along to this could not be mistaken for anything else but, "Your kingdom's going down, scumbags!"
The Sorting Hat was placed upon their heads, which called out, "Oh, yeah, I know where you two belong, allright, no doubt about it … SLYTHERIN!"
Chapter 14
SLYTHERIN. That one word from the Sorting Hat flushed most of Dumbledore's plans for the Greater Good down the toilet, except for one. He sent Hagrid to get his top secret security item from Gringotts, and Hagrid did so with no trouble. The item in question was a rock about the size of an egg, but it was colored blood-red. His friend Nicholas Flamel had created an object called the Philosopher's Stone, a key ingredient in creating the Elixir of Life, which could grant immortality. He knew it would be too good of a prize for Voldemort to ignore. Nicholas, however, refused to give him the Stone, but this was not a problem after all, since Dumbledore managed to create a convincing replica of it – yes, the item he sent Hagrid to retrieve was a fake Philosopher's Stone. He was sure it would not matter – in the end, Voldemort was going to come back, one way or another, and Harry had to be ready for that day. Harry as a Slytherin, though, was still going to be a major headache.
Oy, how he missed his lemon drops, even if that last batch was laced with marijuana and jalapeño. Even though the Wizarding World had no laws against marijuana (it was considered a relaxant), the Muggle world, even Britain, had problems with marijuana, and considered it a criminal offense to even possess it. Four years in a British Muggle jail … oy, vey, the humanity! "Where's a good bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky when I need it?" he thought. "Oy, my head …"
Much to his dismay, his headache was going to worsen, as, after the meal started, a loudmouthed Troll-Brain shouted, "WHAT? Potter gets to go into Slytherin with his Lady while I'm left here high and dry? Where's the intelligent Mudblood you promised me, Headmaster?"
Oh, no! Of all the idiots to speak up at this point in time, Ronald Weasley just had to open his giant mouth. Within the split second of shocked silence, Tommy thought to Harry, "Do you want us to respond?"
"Nah, Tommy, wait for it. This is gonna be good …"
Much to the delight of Harry and company, all the Gryffindors (with the exception of Percy) got up and started to give Ron the whaling of a lifetime. Percy tried to stop it, but he, too, joined Ron as a victim, while the Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and Slytherins were laughing at the Weasley predicament. The beating lasted for a couple minutes, and when it was over, both of them sported bloody noses, black eyes and were unconscious.
"I have to admit, Harry, my opinion of Gryffindor House has risen a hundredfold. They sure have coglioni."
"Refresh my memory, Tommy – what are coglioni?"
"It's an Italian expression and it refers to balls. You remember what balls are, right, Harry? It refers to your Easter basket that, in a few years, will be bouncing around on Hermione's – OW, HERMIONE, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" This last bit was because Hermione had given Tommy's body a wandless smack.
"Harry does not need you 'arousing' him at this point in time, Tommy, not at the start of our first year."
"So says the perverted little minx who drives Harry nuts every day. I haven't got any giggity in all the time that I've been alive, so try to cut me a little slack! Not only do I have to put up with my hormones, I also have his hormones! HOW WOULD YOU THINK IT WOULD BE?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "You forget, Tommy, I've seen every one of his dreams. I've even seen the perverted ones."
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiight..." said Tommy with a strong tone of sarcasm. He looked around the room, and said, "Harry, do you see that man in the purple turban by Professor Snape? I sense he has a piece of me."
"Yeah, Tommy, I got a brief glimpse of him. He has a piece of you centered around the back of his head, is that it? That has to be terrible for him."
"Incoming Legilimency probe from the MOP, Harry. Look in the old man's eyes so I can catch it and give him a taste of his own medicine." Harry did so, as Tommy caught the Legilimency probe and dragged Dumbledore into Harry's mind.
Once there, Dumbledore met a large figure in black armor, who was breathing via machine. "Good evening, Headmaster. You have caused enough problems for Potter, and I have brought you here to warn you that you are going to die very soon."
"Who are you?"
"My name, Headmaster, is not important. Think of me as the Dark Side … of whose power you are ignorant … think of me as the sound of your inevitable death … and the death of all Pureblood bigots who stand in my way."
"Harry Potter needs me and the help I can offer him."
"NO, HE DOES NOT NEED YOUR HELP, AND HE NEVER WILL! You, Headmaster, have helped enough, and your help would have seen Potter to an early grave! I find your lack of respect for Potter to be disturbing..." Dumbledore's body started to choke … "Farewell, Headmaster..." As Dumbledore fell out of his chair, unconscious, Tommy added, "What's my name? Avada Kedavra, bitch!"
Professor McGonagall saw Dumbledore fainting and took charge. "Students of Hogwarts, may I please have your attention?" The crowd of students became silent. "Thank you. My name is Professor McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress and Head of Gryffindor House. Seeing that the Headmaster is indisposed ..." (Tommy snorted to himself) "he had some words to say to you. The Forbidden Forest is what its name implies, forbidden. Several of our older students would be wise to remember this ..." here she glared at the Twins, who shrugged.
"Mister Filch, our caretaker, has a list of items that are banned from the school. If you wish to see the full list, you can find it on his office door. Last of all, the right hand corridor of the third floor is off limits to those who do not wish to die a painful death. That is all, so off to your dorms. Lord and Lady Potter, if you two will come forward please ..."
Harry and Hermione did so. "Yes, Professor?"
"Will you two do me the honor of escorting my Lions to Gryffindor Tower? I'll take care of the Headmaster and Messieurs Weasley. Will somebody please let them know that they will have a month's detention with me, assuming they come to?"
"Of course."
The Angel of Death, unseen, started laughing to himself as he watched the scene. He knew the Manipulative Old Prick didn't have much time left ... nor did these two Weasleys, for that matter ...
Chapter 15
Albus Dumbledore, unconscious in the Hospital Wing, found himself walking down a long street. At one end he saw a couple young girls swinging a jump rope, their eerie, otherworldly singing sending chills up his spine:
"One, two, Harry's coming for you!
Three, four, Albus Dumbledore!
Five, six, you're a mean old prick!
Seven, eight, try to stay awake!
Nine, ten, you will meet your end!"
He heard a metallic screeching, similar to the sound of nails on a chalkboard. He spun around … and froze. Until this point, he could say with all honesty that nothing frightened him. Now, there was something for him to fear, and it was this mysterious figure who strode to him, a malevolent purpose burning in his eyes – dark green irises dotted with flaming red pupils. He also had a burned face, a red-and-green striped sweater, a glove of knives, and a dusty brown fedora. "Good evening, Albus Dumbledore."
"Good evening," said Dumbledore, trying not to stammer. "Who might you be?"
The figure grinned. "Names … what's in a name? If we called a stinkweed a rose, it would still stink, now, wouldn't it, Albus? As a figure of terror, I have had so many names over the years. When Jack Torrance lost his mind because of the claustrophobia in the Overlook Hotel and his struggles with alcoholism, I was there. When the Nazis sent the Jews and other so-called 'undesirables' to the concentration camps, I was there. When Voldemort took up the mantle of terror after Grindelwald's defeat, I was there. When Nancy Thompson was distraught after the gruesome death of her boyfriend … you bet I was there." His voice rose in anger as he said, "When a young boy of seven years known as Harry James Potter was almost killed by a brutal fat walrus prick, I was there, and I awoke with a VENGEANCE MOST TERRIBLE! ECCE PRETIUM VIOLENTIAE!" (BEHOLD THE PRICE OF VIOLENCE!)
A thunderclap rent the air with a lightning flash that illuminated the front of the house, marked as 4 Privet Drive. Three bleeding bodies – the Dursleys - were hanging by ropes in front of the house.
"You killed them?" Dumbledore's eyes were wide with shock.
"How else did you expect me to treat them, Albus – forgive them? There is no forgiveness for the unrepentant! They had several years to repent of abusing me, and they NEVER apologized for their behavior!"
"What about Petunia? She did not hurt you, did she?"
"She was guilty of letting the situation continue, Albus, so she came under equal punishment. As for you, word has it that you placed me with those Muggles … given that and all the other things you've done to me, I find you guilty and will come back to finish you off, but not until a certain angry mediwitch comes to upbraid you." Cackling, he added, "Try to stay awake, Albus, because when you go back to sleep, you won't wake up again … see you later …"
~DAHP~
As Dumbledore woke up to see the fury on Madam Pomfrey's face, he thought, "Oh, why didn't I listen to Minerva when she pleaded with me NOT to place Harry with the Dursleys?"
Earlier, when Minerva brought up Dumbledore and the two Weasleys to the Hospital Wing, she told Madam Pomfrey about Harry Potter's living situation. To say that Madam Pomfrey was angry would not do justice; her temper, beyond boiling into volcanic, had set her face like an imminent explosion, as she held him by his throat: "Minerva told me about your dealings with Harry James Potter, Headmaster. To be specific, she told me about the Dursleys and their abusive treatment of him."
The explosion came at Dumbledore like a hurricane: "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, HOUSING POTTER WITH ABUSIVE RELATIVES? HAS ALL THAT AGE MESSED UP YOUR BRAIN OR SOMETHING, YOU RETARDED, MANIPULATING PRICK?"
Dumbledore did not answer her. In fact, he could not answer her. Giving him a predatory smile, she said, "Can you answer me? No?" She then used her Beater's bat to break his legs and his arms, then, to add to the agony, she broke his fingers, one by one. The agony for him was so unbearable, he passed out …
~DAHP~
"Albus, are we back so soon? You only took a couple minutes before you came back."
"Madam Pomfrey … broke my legs … my arms … and my fingers … unendurable pain ..."
"Oh, the poor baby … don't worry, Albus, I have your medication right here. Do you want it?" Dumbledore nodded. "Allright … open wide!"
Dumbledore tasted a cool liquid, and as the bottle emptied, he felt his bowels start to loosen. Reading the thoughts on his face, the figure smirked, saying, " 'Oh, shit' is just about right, Albus. Do you want to know what this is?" He revealed the bottle's label, which read: "SKELEGRO + EX-LAX."
Dumbledore's death was humiliating, painful, and stinky. To all this, Harry and Tommy could only say with a cackle, "Tough shit."
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed that … I hope the language isn't too objectionable, but like I said before, I don't use vulgar language very often anyway. :)
Chapter 16
"Come along, Albus," said the Angel of Death. "It's time."
"Where are we going, if I may ask?"
"You'll see soon enough."
They went through a tunnel of light. As they came out, Albus said, "Is this – Heaven?"
"We're at the Pearly Gates, Albus, but Heaven will not allow you to enter."
This took Dumbledore by surprise. "Why not? I'm the Leader of the Light, after all!"
"Correction, Albus Too-Many-Middle-Names DEE DEE DEE," said a voice. "Your name is not in the Book of Life, and you never repented of your sins."
"Sins? What sins have I committed – and who are you?"
The owner of the third voice – a bearded redhead – came down from his high seat. "The name's St. Peter. I'm the first Prime Minister of the Kingdom and the Keeper of its Keys. As for your sins, they center around one Harry James Potter."
"I did what I knew to keep him safe."
"Is that so, Albus? He was far from safe. If the Dursleys had their way, he would have died at the young age of seven years – maybe even earlier! Let's not forget to mention the fact that you capped off his magic at 25% and left it there – WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? HIS PARENTS SAID IN THEIR WILL THAT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WAS HE TO GO TO THE DURSLEYS, AND YOU IGNORED THAT, DIDN'T YOU?" Albus cowered under the thunderous glare St. Peter was giving him. "Considering all this that you've done, Heaven will not accept you within its gates. Given the severity of your crimes, though, we have decided to be the first ones to punish you, so that's why the Angel of Death brought you up here."
This did not sound good, Albus thought. St. Peter smiled at him. "You're right, Albus, this is not good news for you … James, Lily, are you two ready?"
Dumbledore winced upon hearing the crack of James's knuckles. "Yeah, we're ready," they said.
St. Peter steepled his fingers together. "Ooooh, there's a long line as well … excellent. Just let me get the music going, and we shall begin." The song he selected was an oldie but a goodie: "My Way" by Frank Sinatra.
One by one, different citizens of Heaven took a turn at making Dumbledore suffer. James and Lily Potter smacked him in the face with a cricket bat. St. Thomas Aquinas smashed a bookshelf over his head. St. Francis of Assisi brought his dog to bite him … and so on. When the song finished, they sent him falling down the mountain of Purgatory, crag by painful crag, to land in Hell at the feet of King Minos. King Minos was overjoyed, and he sent Dumbledore to freeze for all eternity in the frozen lake of Treachery.
Chapter 17
"Ah," Harry thought, "it is a beautiful, peaceful morning. Dumbledore, the Manipulative Old Prick, has died, and he won't give me any more trouble. I'm here at Hogwarts, which I own, lying down under this nice, warm, blanket …"
The aforementioned blanket released a pleasant moan. "Harry, my love, I'm too comfortable here."
"I know what you mean, Hermione. I don't want to get up."
Hermione squirmed in his arms as she kissed him. "My love … my darling..."
The endorphins and testosterone rushed through Harry's system. "The blood's starting to flow down South, Chief. His eyes are rolling back in his head, his pulse and respiratory rate are rising – what do we do?"
"What's the report from the South?"
"Chief, it's getting hot and heavy down South, not to mention the outrageous fellow is waking up."
"Garçons, réveillez-vous! Nous avons du travail à faire!" (Boys, wake up! We have work to do!)
"Southern region, do you copy?"
"Zat is an affirmative, Monsieur le Chef! I copy."
"Could you tell me what is going on down there?"
"Oui, it is apparent ze petite Madame wants to 'ave some action, non? Do a little dance, make a little love, huh? Balls to ze wall, and all zat."
"Well, that's bloody fantastic. Are we bleeding ready for this?"
"Let me check … oui, Monsieur le Chef, we are ready to go. Even ze petite Madame is ready, if you get my drift ..."
The old saying says that the best laid plans of mice and men tend to go astray. A loud Noise interrupted the proceedings, sending Harry and Hermione to fall out of their bed. Loud, however, was not an accurate description of this Noise. Heavy metal concerts … they were loud. The volcanic explosion at Krakatoa … that was loud. Nuclear bombs … they were loud. This Noise made all these other noises look like whispers in comparison. As it shook the castle, every student and faculty member could hear it, regardless of where they were:
"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ASHAMED YOUR FATHER AND I ARE OF YOUR FOUL LANGUAGE! WE DIDN'T RAISE YOU TO TALK LIKE THAT, YOUNG MAN! IF THE LORD AND LADY POTTER KILL YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDITY, IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT AND NO ONE ELSE'S!"
Having delivered its deafening missive, the red envelope known as a Howler burst into flames. Harry could hear Tommy singing in his head, "Kill the Weasel, kill the Weasel, kill the Weasel..."
"Tommy, first we're going to make the Weasel miserable, THEN we kill him."
"My great-niece is right, you know, Tommy … we can't just kill him."
"Ophelia, darling, sure we can. 'Avada Kedavra' does work wonders, you know. What do you say, Harry? Are you up for Weasel Stomping Day?"
"I'm sorry, Tommy, but I'll have to go with Hermione and Aunt Ophelia on this one."
"You're whipped, Harry. Stupid spoil sports … spoil my fun..."
Ophelia looked at Tommy and ran her hand along his cheek. "No, darling … we can have even more fun torturing him before he dies … without a Cruciatus."
"Yeah? How can we do that?"
"Tommy, to quote the poet John Milton, 'The mind is its own place, and can make a Heaven of Hell, or a Hell of Heaven.' His mind can provide us with a lot of entertainment." She walked over to Ron, and said, "Ron Weasley, right?"
Ron looked at her and scowled. "Why would you want to know, you slimy snake?"
Her blue eyes glowing in anger, Ophelia grabbed his face. "Look at me, you little twerp," she said. "You should be careful how you speak to people, or you will make many enemies, capisce?"
As she let go of his face, Ron paled upon seeing her face turn into a skull with spiders coming out. Considering that his worst fear was spiders, his natural reaction was to start screaming, as Ophelia joined the quartet and they left, Neville coming behind them.
"How did you become such a terrifying minx?" Tommy asked her.
"Tommy, it's simple … spending many years in a loony bin will give you many creative ideas on how to drive others crazy." Everyone laughed upon hearing that …
Chapter 18
Draco Malfoy, while he seemed arrogant, knew his place in Slytherin's hierarchy was not to be above Lord Potter or his vassal Tommy Riddle. He also knew that to insult the Lady of a House was to invite the wrath of the House Lord, so the entirety of Slytherin House treated Hermione and Ophelia with respect and awe. When Hermione and Ophelia revealed that they were Muggle-born, there was just ONE unnamed person stupid enough to insult them. Harry gave him a crash course in pain, throwing him against a wall by the fireplace and his anger turning up the fire.
"Now, you listen to me and you listen well, okay? Do you feel that fire below you? Do you?" The student nodded, tears and sweat running down his face. "If you insult them one more time, INTO THE ROARING FIRE I'LL TOSS YOU, IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"
After that, no Slytherin dared insult Hermione or Ophelia ever again.
~DAHP~
Harry's first week at Hogwarts was a blast. The classes, the people – it was all so fascinating that the words Tommy told him about it, he would later admit, didn't do it enough justice.
With all the garden work he did for the Dursleys, Harry found Herbology to be an easy class. In fact, most of his classes were easy – much to the delight of his professors – except for History of Magic and Potions.
The reason for History of Magic was Professor Binns, the only ghost in the faculty. The way his voice droned on and on and on like Ben Stein about the Goblin Wars put many students to sleep. Harry felt he could replace Binns with a recording of Ben Stein giving his economics lecture from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," and his fellow students would not even know the difference.
Potions would have been easy too, but a certain red-headed DEE DEE DEE started a campaign of potion sabotage during their first class. Ron tossed a potions ingredient in Harry's direction, but his aim was way off. Harry responded by looking at Ron's cauldron on the fire and thought, "Release the evil …"
BOOM! The antidote for boils blew up all over Ron, losing Gryffindor 50 points that day. Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas took him to the Hospital Wing, giving Harry fearful looks as they did so. "I must have released too much evil, Hermione," he thought to her.
Hermione shook her head in amusement. "You and your Adam Sandler films. What's next, are you going to go psycho on Ron with a golf club?"
"Darling, you're tempting me. I would also need to get your dad's golf clubs for that."
~DAHP~
The Hospital Wing of Hogwarts needed a revolving door. Madam Pomfrey was sure of that. Yes, even though Ron Weasley recovered from his first night's beating, it would not be long before he would come back for more healing and repair from another thrashing. Not only was the boy an equal opportunity offender, he also was Hogwart's universal punching bag and spell target. One horrific incident convinced her that the question was not IF Ron Bilius Weasley would die … but WHEN Ron Bilius Weasley would die …
~DAHP~
One day, while the Slytherins were walking outside, Ron and the Gryffindors just ahead, Tommy became inspired and broke into song:
"Troll-Brain's frying on a greasy fire,
Red blood seeping out his nose!
Little Ronald, on the flames leaping higher,
He'll be all juicy, so it goes!
Everybody knows Firewhisky or some alcohol
Will help to keep the flame alight;
Cook him rare or well done, I suppose,
We know he will be quite the fright!
And now when Santa comes on his way,
He'll have cookies, milk, and Weasel-bee flambé!
And every Slytherin will want to spy ..."
Neville, Draco, and Harry sang in harmony:
"To see how Troll-Brain's gonna scream as he dies!"
Tommy took up the tune again:
"So, I'm gonna say this little phrase,
As Troll-Brain cooks to juicy goo;
I want to say it, many times, many ways:
Ronald Weasley, screw you!"
The Slytherins roared with laughter at this song, only for Ron to interrupt them by way of a spell he fired at them. Neville stepped up and said, "Guys, don't worry. I got this."
"Are you sure about this?" said Harry. "I'll be willing to back you up, Nev."
"Thanks, Harry, but I got this bitch. He won't be hurting anyone again. Did you hear of what he tried to do to Sally-Anne Perks?"
Ophelia's eyes flashed in anger. "Kick his ass, Nev, for me and all the Muggle-borns in Hogwarts."
"I second that," said Tommy. "Give him all you've got, my young Padawan … but don't kill him."
"I understand. Harry, do you want to finish him off?"
"Not today, Neville. He will die, but not today. Besides that, I give you carte blanche."
Neville turned to Ron. As the music started – "The Infernal Dance" by Stravinsky – so did the duel, which, though it lasted for about 30 seconds, all of Hogwarts would talk of as legendary, with Neville's eyes glowing green and an unseen wind blowing his hair around. Ron never stood a chance, falling to Neville's wandless Bludgeoner hexes. Neville then put the icing on the cake by breaking Ron's wand, as well as castrating him, saying, "You won't … hurt anyone … anymore."
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
Smiles,
Loki Palmer
You say you almost wet yourself laughing, nymlover? My apologies … I'm glad you're enjoying it!
Does Dumbledore have any Horcruxes? No, he does not. He may have been manipulative, but full-blown dark he was not. Does he still deserve his time and punishment in Hell? Yes, he does. Who's the Author? Who's the Author? I'm the Author!
WARNING: Do not drink any hot drinks while reading this fanfic. Failure to heed the warning may lead to serious injury! LOL!
Chapter 19
News about Neville's short battle spread through the school with the speed of an eagle in flight. By the time dinner arrived, Harry could smell the excitement and estrogen in the air. Wait a minute … estrogen?
"MERLIN'S BEARD, THERE HE IS! NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM!"
"RUN, NEVILLE!"
Neville didn't need Harry to tell him twice, for the screaming female mob coming his way told him all he needed to know. So he ran, not because he was scared, but for the sake of his own safety as the "Benny Hill" theme played along. Behind the mob ran Harry, Hermione, Tommy, and Ophelia.
Ron came out of the Hospital Wing at that moment, and it was his bad luck that Neville and his mob of fangirls ran him over. When the smoke cleared, his unconscious body was covered with shoe marks. Madam Pomfrey dragged him back in, saying, "Mr. Weasley, it turns out you'll have more time to spend with me in recovery, you unlucky bastard."
When Harry, Hermione, Tommy and Ophelia, caught up with Neville, they found the fangirls were surrounding him. His face was blushing from all the attention.
Harry cleared his throat. "Ladies, give Neville some room to breathe, for Merlin's sake. You okay, Neville?"
"Yeah, Harry, I'm okay, I think ..." but Neville could say no more after that because the mob, acting as one group, swarmed him and kissed him on his cheeks. Being unused to all this attention, he fainted. At this point, Harry caught him and took him back down to the dorms, in spite of the protests.
"Can't he handle us all at once?" said one female.
"I'm afraid not," said Tommy. "Are you going to move, please?"
"You heard him, lady. MOVE!" said Ophelia. "I don't have any time for female shenanigans!"
~DAHP~
While Ron had been suffering from hallucinatory spiders and other things, Percy was having his own troubles. Over the weeks, he kept on hearing the cackle of a clown. He never liked clowns – not since Fred and George had given him a terrible pranking while dressed as clowns.
"You want a balloon, Percy? Of course you do, am I right?" Another cackle filled his ears as the clown appeared before him, red pupils in dark green irises. "What's the matter, Percy? Don't you like balloons?"
"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-no, I j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-just d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-don't like c-c-c-c-c-clowns." This was bad, he thought. Now the stutter has come back. Whatever would come out of this would not be good, for him or for his family ...
Chapter 20
What had Percy Weasley landed himself into? He had stepped into the bathtub in the Prefect's bathroom when this clown came up to him.
"Percy, Percy, Percy … you're afraid of clowns?" Percy nodded, too scared to speak. "Why should you be afraid of clowns, we merry creatures?"
"W-w-w-w-w-what d-d-d-d-d-do you w-w-w-w-w-want w-w-w-w-w-with m-m-m-m-me?"
"Oh, straight to the point, aren't you, P-P-P-P-P-P-Percy?" the clown said with a cackle. "Well, I have a few questions for you, Percy, and if you're good, I'll let you have a balloon. Do we have a deal, or do I need to sweeten this some more?"
Percy saw a couple twin girls with the clown, dressed in two-piece bikinis. They said to him in otherworldly voices. "Come play with us, Percy! We're going to have so much fun together! Come play with us … forever, and ever, and ever, and ever ..."
The clown smiled. "Did that entice you enough, Percy?" Percy nodded. "Good. Here's my first question: what is your involvement with the plot against Lord Harry James Potter?"
Percy plucked up his courage – he was a Gryffindor, after all. "I was the one who put it together."
"Oh, it's good to see you CAN overcome that little stutter you have … as much as I like smelling your fear, the lack of your stutter will just make this go faster. Now, if memory serves me right, your plot involves having your stupid little brother Ron become friends with Harry. At some point, Harry falls in love with Ginny, they get married, and everyone lives happily ever after. Am I in the right ballpark or is there more?"
"You're right so far."
"I'm glad to know that. If Harry had arrived attached to someone else, you would do all you could to split them up, even using Love Potions. Am I still right?"
"Yes."
"Your family would be willing to do that, even though Love Potions are illegal?"
"Not all the family is involved in this plot."
The clown nodded. "Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Who is involved in this little scheme of yours?"
"Mum, Ron, and I are involved."
"Ron's involvement was to become Harry's friend and distract any other females from him?"
"Yes."
"He might even get himself an intelligent female, if he was lucky?"
Percy shrugged. "It would be a plus."
"What about Ginny? She's the one marrying Harry in this scheme of yours."
"Mum's been grooming her to be the future Lady Potter. Besides that, she's not involved … yet."
"Ah, there's the explanation for that. What about your dad? Didn't he need to sign the marriage contract?"
"He did, but he's not involved either. Neither are my older brothers, Bill and Charlie."
"Where are those two working now?"
"Charlie works out in Romania with dragons, and Bill's in Egypt working for Gringotts as a Curse-Breaker."
"Do either of them know of the plot?"
"No."
"Where does your father work?"
"He works in the Ministry, in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office."
"So, your family has no problems with Muggles or Muggle-borns?"
"Well ..." there was some hesitation. "Dad doesn't, nor do Fred, George, Bill, and Charlie. Though she doesn't have any problems either, Mum leans more towards tradition."
"And by 'tradition,' you mean the old Pureblood values? Purebloods for Purebloods, and so forth?"
"Yes."
"Is there anything else?" Percy shook his head in the negative. "You've been very cooperative, and for that I thank you. Now, how about a balloon … or for that matter, a whole bunch of balloons?"
As the balloons came floating down, four of them grabbed Percy by his arms and legs, hoisting him up in the air. "Hey, what's up with these balloons?"
"Percy, these balloons float … and pretty soon, you'll be floating too! Happy floating!"
That insane cackle, something between Krusty the Clown and Woody Woodpecker, sounded in Percy's ears as another balloon reached down to his neck and choked him to death.
~DAHP~
"Well, well, well, it has been a while since I've last seen a victim of Harry Potter," said a smiling King Minos. "Percy Weasley … hmmm … it's such a temptation to put you in the circle of Greed, considering that was your motive for your confessed plot against Potter … but, alas, many bank CEOs are going to end up here, too, if they aren't careful … boy, is that circle going to be packed one day … oh, now that I think about it, your brother Charlie works with dragons … well, let's see how you like spending time in FLATTERY!"
The hole of Flattery – a subdivision of Fraud – turned out to be a dragon toilet. Not only would Percy be covered in dragon shit, sometimes, he WOULD be dragon shit!
King Minos smiled to himself. "Now, I wonder when that Troll-Brain is going to arrive?"