Chapter 28
DING DONG!
A chill spread through the air, stopping the party in full swing. "Well, who the Devil could that be?" said Seamus.
"I don't know," said Harry, "but I intend to find out."
Opening the door, Harry saw a handsome, middle-aged man with dark brown hair, dark eyes, and a few wrinkles that showed great age, yet did not detract from his overall beauty. "Lord Harry James Potter, I presume?"
"Speaking. Judging from the chill you're emanating into the air, you must be none other than the Devil himself."
"I have had many, many names over the ages, but, yes, that is one of my names. May I come in, Harry?"
"As long as you don't hurt anybody here, you may come in."
He entered. "Thank you, Harry. I suggest we gather everyone in your meeting room. The news I have to report concerns all of you."
~DAHP~
When everyone had gathered, the Devil turned to Tommy. "Ah, Thomas, do you remember that contract you signed with me to gain power? It's not in your name anymore."
"What contract is he talking about, Tommy?" said Ophelia.
Tommy sighed. "After those Slytherin females drove you insane, Ophelia, I signed a contract with him to gain more power."
The Devil nodded. "Yes. This was the key event that helped to bring about the one known as Lord Voldemort. Pride is my number one sin, the one I love the most, and Voldemort was and is full of it. When Tommy, in Harry's head, prayed the Hail Mary in desperation, none other than the Virgin Mary forced me to switch the contract over to Voldemort's name."
"Meaning that Tommy is safe from your infernal clutches," said Ophelia.
"Yes … for the moment. I will admit, creating Lord Voldemort was a stroke of genius on my part, and I had a lot of material at my disposal … all that anger, hatred, pride … the problem about the use of terror is that it's a double-edged sword for me."
"Would you care to explain that?" said Harry.
"Yes, Harry, I shall. While it would seem that I revel in the atmosphere of terror, whether it be real or imagined, in some people, it will drive them further to the protection of God. That celestial peace that passeth all understanding can do wonders for people. That being said, another problem about Voldemort is how many people have ended up dying before they should be dying! These are people that I'm not getting the opportunity to tempt, and they're running through my fingers like sand! I tell myself, hey, this is the way the Almighty made the Universe, who am I to question it? Well, lo and behold, as soon as I tell myself this, the biggest problem of all arrives, and this is bad news for you, Harry."
Harry sighed. "I have no idea how Voldemort could be any worse, but – what is this bad news?"
"Harry, it is one thing for the Nazarene to play with the rules of life and death, considering He's God, but when Voldemort starts doing the same, all Hell breaks loose at the seams. With help from one of my kids – Belial – Voldemort has released one of my prisoners."
"Which one?"
"Albus Dumbledore."
Tommy's eyes widened in disbelief. "Albus Dumbledore, the Manipulative Old Prick?"
Much to the greater shock of everyone, Harry picked up the Devil and slammed him against the wall. "What the Hell kind of security system do you run down there? There is no way out for Hell's human residents, that's why it's known as Hell!"
"Harry, have you ever heard of a magic called Necromancy?"
Tommy paled and started to hyperventilate. "Oh, no … oh, no … this is bad, this is very, very bad … we are all in trouble ..."
Ophelia held his trembling body close to her. "Harry, the magic of Necromancy is the Darkest ever … it deals with bringing the Dead back from the Afterlife to here … especially the damned residents of Hell."
"The danger with the attempt to call back human spirits is that devils will like to come along for the ride. Considering he fears Death, I never would have thought Voldemort would have the cojones to call up a dead person. However, as we have found out, even our best guesses can be wrong."
Harry released the Devil from his grip and let him stand. "We won't be able to take on Voldemort and Dumbledore like we are, am I right?"
"I hate to say this to you, Harry, but no, you won't. As strong as you are, they would wipe the floor with you. Here's some good news for you, though: considering that I like you, I want you to say hello to your new little friend."
A wand popped out of a wrist holster. "This wand used to belong to that Manipulative Old Prick, but it belongs to you now. Take it: it won't bite."
While the piece "Low of Solipsism" played, Harry's hand drew closer to the wand and the room grew darker. The joining of the wand to its new master produced a magical spark of lightning that illuminated the room. The thunderclap that sounded shook the entire Manor and was almost enough to deafen everyone for a few seconds.
The Devil grinned. "How do you feel now, Killer … or should I say, Kira?"
"I feel excellent. This is the Elder Wand, isn't it?"
"Of course. As Master of the Deathly Hallows, you also are the Master of Death."
"That would explain all these new sensations … it's like I can feel the souls of people both on this side and the other side. It may also interest you to know that there is somebody else who came up out of Hell with Dumbledore and Belial to join Voldemort."
The Devil's eyebrows rose. "Oh, really? If I may be so curious, who might that be?"
Harry's malevolent grin and quasi-maniacal chuckle sent a chill of fear through the fallen archangel. "Troll Brain ..."
Chapter 29
"Troll Brain is back?" said Tommy. "That does not sound like my evil self – to call back the most powerful wizard and the dumbest from the Underworld in one fell swoop. What can he be thinking?"
"He wants allies, Thomas. As soon as he gets a new body, he will want his allies again by his side."
Tommy's eyes widened. "My Death Eaters, fighting against me? This is bad news ..."
Harry decided to clear his throat. "Tommy, did you forget the new phoenix mark that I put on Lucius's arm? Those Death Eaters who are loyal to ME now have it on their arms."
"What about those who did not accept you, Harry?"
"Dead. There is no redemption for the unrepentant."
Amelia Bones nodded. "That would explain all those deaths in the Ministry some years ago, Lord Potter. The one thing they all had in common was that they had the Dark Mark on their arms."
"Harry ..." said Tommy. "Can you sense which of the former Death Eaters are still alive?"
"Yes … Lucius Malfoy … Narcissa's still alive, since she didn't take the Dark Mark … Augustus Rookwood … and … oh, boy, is this going to shock you … Bellatrix Black, formerly Lestrange."
This got Neville's attention. "WHAT? THAT PSYCHO BITCH IS STILL ALIVE?"
"That's my cousin you're calling a psycho bitch, Neville!" said Sirius.
"STAY OUT OF THIS, SIRIUS! THIS IS BETWEEN THE HOUSE OF LONGBOTTOM AND HER!"
Tommy held up his hands in a gesture of peaceful surrender. "Neville, I'm sorry for what happened to your parents. Bellatrix must have told them she was coming to kill you and they laughed themselves into insanity."
This statement brought a round of uneasy laughs that grew into roars when they saw Neville join in, recognizing Tommy's attempt to lighten the mood. "All the same, Tommy, I do owe you this," he said, punching Tommy in the face and eliciting another roar of laughter.
"I guess I deserved that, Neville ..." Tommy's face blanched. "Harry … the clock is ticking on our lives … Voldemort's back. We have to collect and destroy those Horcruxes with all possible speed."
"Where are they?"
"Let me think for a moment, meathead! The diary I left with Lucius, Hufflepuff's Cup I left with Bellatrix, Ravenclaw's Diadem is in the Room of Requirement at Hogwarts, and Slytherin's Locket … somebody moved it ...to the Black home … "
Harry pulled out his communication mirror. "Lord Potter calling Ragnok!"
"Ragnok here, Lord Potter. How may Gringotts be of service to you today?"
"Ragnok, there may be a Horcrux in the vault of one Bellatrix Black."
"I see. Our policy is to destroy any Horcrux we find, Milord. What is the object in question?"
"It's Hufflepuff's Cup, Ragnok."
The goblin nodded. "Yes … we shall destroy it at once, Milord. Even the Dark Lord knows better than to mess with the Goblin Nation, so have no fear about any repurcussions from him."
"To be honest, that is one worry I have."
"Well, stop it, Milord. It is no difficulty for us Goblins to take care of ourselves. You just focus on sending the bastard to Hell, and we will have a celebratory meal when this is all over."
"Dominus vobiscum." (The Lord be with you.)
"Et cum spiritu tuo." (And with your spirit.) The mirror went off.
"Kreacher!" called Sirius.
POP! An old house elf appeared. "How may Kreacher be of service to Lord Black?"
"Kreacher, is there a locket in the Black home?"
"Yes, Milord."
"Bring it here for us."
Kreacher bowed, disappeared, and returned with the locket. "Here it is, Milord."
The Devil reached down and took it. "I'll take it from here, Kreacher. Your former Master, Regulus, wanted it destroyed, and that's what I'm going to do."
"The Evil One is welcome to it anyway," said Kreacher with a small bow as he disappeared.
"Two down, two to go," said Harry.
~DAHP~
As for Voldemort, Tommy's statement was accurate – he managed to come back, using a bone of his father, flesh of a servant – Ron's hand – and blood of an enemy. He would have preferred the blood of Harry Potter, his nemesis, but the blood of Albus Dumbledore sufficed for his purposes. When they had killed off Harry Potter and his allies, then he would kill off Albus Dumbledore. Albus Dumbledore, for his part, was thinking that he would kill off Voldemort and get all the glory for doing so, just as he received the glory for stopping Grindelwald.
Ron did not have two brain cells to rub together in the action known as "thinking," but the main thoughts – if a Troll Brain even had thoughts – included getting sweet, sweet vengeance on Harry Potter and getting his hands on that smart Mudblood. She would pay … oh, boy, she would pay ...
Chapter 30
Lord Voldemort looked at Ron. "Well, Ronald Weasley, it seems you have some use after all. I want to thank you for the hand you've sacrificed to help me. Is there anything that I, Lord Voldemort, can do for you in return?"
Ron bowed at his feet. "In return for my service, Milord, I want revenge on Harry Potter and his friends."
Lord Voldemort gave him a cold smile. "Ah, revenge … the dish that is best served cold, as the saying goes. I sense there is more you want besides just revenge?"
"Well … I did not think that far ahead ..."
"Ah, but Lord Voldemort can guess what Weasley wants. Weasley lusts after Potter's money and Potter's beloved little Mudblood, yes? Weasley wants her to be his little whore, yes? Weasley will show the little Mudblood that it is the Purebloods in charge, yes?"
"Yes … Milord."
"Excellent." Lord Voldemort moved his wand in an intricate pattern, muttering in Parseltongue, fashioning a new hand for Ron made of silver with the Dark Mark on it. "Lord Voldemort knows how to reward loyalty. I hope your new hand will serve you well, Ronald Bilius Weasley."
"Thank you, Milord."
"Now, your first assignment is to find the Diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw. It is found in the Room of Requirement, next to a portrait of Barnabas the Barmy trying to teach trolls how to dance. To open the room, you need to pass by the wall three times, thinking of what you need. Try thinking of the place where all hidden things are, and I'm sure it will come to you."
"What am I to do when I find it, Milord?"
"Maybe … you can consider it a present to your little whore. I'm sure she would like it, yes?"
Ron left Lord Voldemort's presence with a smile on his face and with the image of Hermione snogging his brains out running through his head.
Dumbledore looked at Voldemort. "Voldemort, what are the chances this will work?"
Lord Voldemort sighed. "Albus, I would lay 100-to-1 odds against that Troll Brain coming out of this mission alive … on the other hand, try to look at the bright side of this ..."
Dumbledore's eyes widened. "Bright side? What bright side could there possibly be?"
"Two things, Albus, two things. Number one: Potter and his friends get somebody to play with them ..."
"What's number two?"
"Number two: we get rid of some excess baggage ..."
They broke into a bout of villainous laughter …
~DAHP~
At Potter Manor, the group got into a huddle. Harry looked at them.
"Okay, guys, we have no time to lose. There are three missions that must be accomplished to take care of Voldemort. First off, the Devil and I are going to collect Bellatrix Black from Azkaban. Then, he's going to take Azkaban and the Dementors back to Hell where they belong."
The Devil shook his head. "Mortals are so stupid. The Dark wizards who called that place up had no idea what terror they were unleashing …"
Harry gave him a sad smirk. "Quite. Hermione, I'm sending you with Neville and Seamus to collect the Diadem of Ravenclaw at Hogwarts."
"Aye, Harry. You can count on us to keep her safe, fer the glory of St. Patrick."
"What Seamus said, Harry. Do you think Ron will be there?"
"I'm sure he will, that's why I'm sending the two of you with her. You're going to need some help to find that Diadem. Fred? George?"
"Yes, Harry?" they said in stereo.
"Do you know of that forbidden third floor corridor?"
"Yes, of course we do –"
"– Why do you ask?"
"There's a gigantic Rottweiler in there with three heads. Get him out of there and he'll help you find it." They nodded. "Now, Tommy, you're going with Ophelia and Draco out to Malfoy Manor. You need to get your diary back from Lucius."
"I understand, Harry. Is the Devil taking care of the Horcruxes?"
"Of course I am, Thomas. I warn you, when I destroy them, it will knock the both of you down – it involves an extreme dose of pain." The Devil put his fingers into his mouth and gave a whistle. A fiery horse arrived. "This horse is another gift from me, if you don't mind, Harry. This should get you where you're going with all possible speed. El caballo más rápido que el Infierno puede ofrecer a Vuestra Merced, y el más rapido que la Tierra ha jamás visto." (The fastest horse that Hell can offer Your Lordship, and the fastest that Earth has ever seen.) "In the meantime, I have a Horcrux to collect at Gringotts. I'll see you at the North Sea, Harry." He disappeared in a flash of Hellfire.
Harry looked at his motley crew. "Everybody understand their assignments?" There were nods all around. "Okay, everybody move out!"
Hermione grabbed him for a passionate kiss. "Harry, come back safe to me."
"I hope the same for you, Hermione. I know Neville and Seamus will take good care of you."
"Harry," said the piece of Tommy in Harry's head, "we have nothing to worry about with Hermione, because she will be okay. It's just that I'm worried about my other body. Let's not forget that Voldemort is a powerhouse, and he will have a demon-possessed Dumbledore as his backup."
Tommy hugged him. "Harry, I am more than certain I will need you before the end of all this."
"Just yell my name, Uncle Tommy, and I'll come like the lightning before the storm. Just keep holding your ground. You can promise me that, right? Whatever you do, hold your ground!"
Tommy's eyes gleamed with the glory of battle. "Brothers to the end, eh, Harry?"
"Always."
Ophelia gave Harry a hug, ruffled his hair, and traced a small Sign of the Cross on his forehead, saying, "Adjutorium nostrum in Nomine Domini." (Our help is in the Name of the Lord)
"Qui fecit caelum et terram." (Who made Heaven and Earth)
~DAHP~
Out at Gringotts, Griphook had the Cup of Helena Hufflepuff on the ground, an axe raised to destroy it. As the axe swung down, the Devil appeared and took the Cup with a quick "Yoink!" – disappearing yet again, much to the shock of Lord Ragnok and Griphook.
"Griphook … WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?"
"Milord Ragnok … forgive me … but if I am not mistaken … that was … the Devil."
A loud sigh of relief escaped from Ragnok. "Well, that's one problem off of our shoulders. Now, where's my champagne?"
~DAHP~
Harry arrived at the shore of the North Sea to find three women standing with a tall angel. The one at the center had wild black hair that looked like a bird's nest. "Bellatrix Black, I presume?"
She gave him a fearful nod and looked at the other two women. "My Queen … is this him?"
"Yes, it is … don't be afraid."
Trembling, she came forward and kissed Harry's hand in homage. "Lord Potter, accept my greatest thanks for saving me from that Hellhole. My service is ever thine."
"You are more than welcome, Bella." Harry looked up at the other two women – one was a redhead clothed in a white robe with green eyes – "Mum?"
She answered him with a smile. "Yes, Harry. Your father and I are so proud of you and your friends."
"Even though you know one of my friends was the one who killed you?"
"There are no grudges we hold in Heaven, Harry. It was the grace of God that allowed Tommy to come to the repentance of his sins and to break the bond between him and Voldemort."
Harry looked at the third lady, who was dressed in a robe of blue and white. "Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee."
Her smile was serene. "Hail, Heir of Gryffindor. I am happy to report to you that the saints in Heaven are on their feet watching you and cheering for you."
"Has Heaven guaranteed my victory?"
"Heaven has not permitted Me to tell you which way the battle will go, Harry. I'm sorry."
"Does that mean the battle could still go either way?"
"I'm afraid so, Harry. You may be powerful, but Voldemort has years of experience over you. You know that nothing is fated, and this includes the outcome of your battle."
Harry sighed and gave Mary a bow. "My Queen, the support I receive is all I need. Even if I and my friends should die, I know it will be for the best of causes." He turned to the angel. "St. Michael, are there any more innocents in Azkaban?"
St. Michael's face was grim. "No, there are none, and you can thank the Dementors for that."
The Devil showed up in a blaze of Hellfire. "Ah, here we are, at last! Hey, why does everyone look so grim all of a sudden?"
St. Michael glared at him in distaste. "Ah, Lucifer, how you are fallen from your height! I am certain that you have been drinking again?"
"Well, of course I've been drinking, Michael! Why wouldn't you celebrate?"
"I won't be celebrating until Voldemort is gone for good."
"Well, until then, we should pull up some chairs, get ourselves some popcorn, and enjoy the match, what do you say?"
"FIRST THINGS FIRST, FALLEN ONE! The Almighty says He WANTS THAT EYESORE GONE!"
The Devil looked out to the North Sea. "Ah, yes, Azkaban. Hell on Earth. It's about time that I took it back where it belongs. Harry – by the way, I've got Helga Hufflepuff's Cup with me. Two more Horcruxes to grab, and this will all be over."
"Excellent." Harry got back onto his horse with Bellatrix behind him. "Let's ride."
As they sped off in a blaze of fire to Hogwarts – Spiderbait's cover of "Ghost Riders in the Sky" playing in the background – the Devil let out an unearthly roar and Azkaban descended far, far down into the depths of Hell. King Minos welcomed the guilty prisoners and tossed many of them into Lake Phlegethon in Violence.
Voldemort watched the scene from afar. "Well, Azkaban is lost to us, Albus. It looks like we'll have to go somewhere else to grab an ally."
"Do you have any such place in mind?"
"Oh, yes, I do – it's where you put one of your old friends …"
Chapter 31
Argus Filch, the cantankerous old caretaker, was on one of his nightly patrols with Mrs. Norris, his cat, looking around for any troublemakers. Coming by the forbidden third floor corridor, he heard voices:
"Merlin's beard, George, that's a big mutt."
"No, Fred, THAT is not a big mutt. That's a gigantic, gargantuan mutt."
"Also known as a Cerberus, he is –"
"– one of the most vicious animals on the planet –"
"– one wrong move, one bite, even –"
"– aye, and we're both dead. Do you want to wake it?"
"I would ask if you've lost your sanity, but since we are twins, we already know the answer to that question. No, I say we BOTH wake it."
"Great idea." They grinned at each other as they brought out bicycle horns. On these bicycle horns were written the words, "Please Squeeze Me Gently."
"We honk on the count of three. One –"
"–Two–"
"–Three!" They gave the horns a hard squeeze.
AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA ! The sound echoed through the castle, scaring the Professors out of bed with a start.
Much to the shock and the amusement of the Twin Terrors, they heard another sound like that of a helicopter: rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat …
"George, what's that sound?"
"I would almost say a helicopter's taking off – oh, would you look at that, Fred? He's wagging!"
Waggity-waggity-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag-wag …
"Do you want to go for a walk, boy?"
"WOOF!" The Cerberus gave an excited nod.
"Can you take us with you?"
The Cerberus gave another excited nod as it lowered its heads for Fred and George to saddle up on its heads. "HEIGH HO, ROVER – AWAY!"
" 'Rover', Fred? Is that the best name you could – WHOA!"
The Cerberus emitted a chilling howl and burst through the door at full speed. Mrs. Norris let out a screech of terror and bolted out of the area like a bolt of lightning.
Argus Filch, the cantankerous caretaker of Hogwarts, was not so lucky. When a megaton, megalithic mutt meets with a human at the speed of a tornado, the human is going to suffer a severe injury – AND a major headache if he awakes.
Professor Minerva McGonagall and the other Heads of House arrived on the scene a couple moments later. "Madam Pomfrey to the third floor corridor. Madam Pomfrey to the third floor corridor."
Madam Pomfrey arrived. "Who got injured tonight? Oh, goodness gracious me, Argus! He should know better than to stand in front of a Cerberus on the rampage!"
"Minerva …" said Professor Snape. "There's another sound out there …"
A neigh and galloping hoofs sounded, along with some growling …
"Yippee yi ay! Yippee yi oh! Ghost riders in the sky …"
A fiery horse appeared, Harry and Bellatrix atop it as it leaped over them and screeched to a halt. "Did you miss me, Severus?"
"You have no idea, Milord. There's been a Cerberus that passed by here …"
"Excellent … everything's going according to plan. Troll Brain is on the move …"
"Troll Brain? He's here?"
"He should be here. So … 'Batman', do you want to join the hunt?"
" 'Batman'?"
To the question in Snape's eyes, Harry gave a shrill whistle, and a swarm of bats appeared congregating around him. "Many people are scared of bats, Severus … it's time our enemies feared them as well … are you up for this, or not?"
"Am I up for getting another shot at that idiot? Count me in!"
"Don't go forgetting the rest o' us, Severus – we're coming along!" said Professor McGonagall.
"Oh, Minerva, I wouldn't dream of it … Filius and Pomona are up for this as well?"
"I'll show him what a 'midget' can do, Lord Potter," said Professor Flitwick.
"Of course I'm coming, Lord Potter. I don't want to miss the fun," said Professor Sprout.
Harry smiled. "Excellent. We'll meet you in the Room of Requirement."
~DAHP~
In the Room of Requirement, Ron had found the Diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw, just as his Master had ordered him to do. Now, where was that insufferable Mudblood know-it-all?
"Hello, Ron. What's that you have there?"
Speak of the angels, she was right behind him! He turned around to see HER, the girl he was dreaming about for a long time … Hermione. Hermione POTTER, to be technical, but he would soon have the arrogant Harry Potter begging his Master for mercy ... and Hermione would be all his, for his pleasure … yes …
He struggled to get the words from his small brain to his mouth. "It's … a diadem … Hermione. I … found it … just for you."
She smiled. "Oh, what a sweet gift this is! Put that down so I can give you a hug!"
Was this it? Were all his dreams about to come true? He gave a pleasant sigh as she wrapped her arms around him, but froze as he heard her say: "As appreciative as I am of this gift, Ron, I'm afraid it does not make up for all that you've done to me … how about a kiss?"
Whoa! This was going too fast. "You first." He closed his eyes.
Hermione gave him a predatory smile. How could he be so stupid?
Ron felt a sharp pain in his back, and screamed. Opening his eyes, he realized that Hermione had stabbed a fiery knife into his back. "YOU BACKSTABBING BITCH!"
A swarm of bats flying at his face interrupted anything else he was going to say as Professor Snape arrived on the scene, a smirk on his face. "That was satisfying. Are you hurt, Milady?"
"No, Professor Snape. Neville and Seamus were close by me in case something happened."
"AAAAAH! GET THEM OFF ME! GET THEM OFF ME!"
A shrill whistle called the bats off, and Ron was looking into the Devil's smiling face, which broke out into song:
"Oh, Ronnie boy, the Hounds of Hell are calling …
From regions fen, all 'round the countryside!"
Harry, Neville and Seamus joined in:
"We are amazed, how far the Troll Brain's fallen …"
The four of them sang together:
"With that we say that Troll Brain's gonna die!"
"Troll Brain, we thank you for your help, but you don't belong here anymore. Now, if the Devil will do the honors?"
"I would be happy to, Harry, but where is that mutt?"
"WOOF!"
"Ah, there he is! Fluffy, dinner is served!"
The second end of Ronald "Troll Brain" Weasley was to become a meal for an ecstatic Cerberus.
"HARRY! I'M GONNA NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!"
The Devil grabbed the Horcrux, and the group was off to Malfoy Manor …
Chapter 32
Tommy, Ophelia and Draco arrived at Malfoy Manor, where Lucius was there to greet them. "Is everything allright, Draco?"
"Everything is okay, Father, but Tommy has something to ask you."
"How may I be of service, Lord Riddle?"
"Lucius, do you remember that diary I gave you for safekeeping? That prick Voldyshorts is back, and we need it to get rid of him."
Lucius's eyes widened for a brief moment as he looked at the situation. He knew this was a big risk he was taking against his old master. "I'm not sure why you would want it, but I'm not going to ask. Follow me."
He led them through the Manor down into a cellar. "Now, I'm sure I put it down here somewhere … excuse me, sir, but who are you?"
The stranger, a tall man dressed in military fatigues, looked at Lucius. "Don't be afraid, Lucius. Lower your wand and we can talk. I do not mean to hurt you or the group that is with you."
Lucius lowered his wand. "You still have not identified yourself."
The stranger smiled. "Too true, I have not. My name is Michael."
Tommy felt a small shiver of awe. "You mean St. Michael the Archangel, right?"
"Yes, Thomas."
"May I ask why you've come out here?"
"I have come here because we need to get rid of that last piece of you that is within that diary. It is too dangerous for you to pick it up."
"Do you have it?"
"Yes, I do." He put his hand on Tommy, who looked up into his eyes – eyes which spoke of power and seemed to flash lightning into him. "Thomas, the battle is soon to come. Be strong and courageous. Heaven is on its feet cheering for you, so don't be afraid."
"Whoever said anything about me being afraid, Michael?"
"All mortals are afraid of something, Thomas."
"What is it that I fear?"
"That's simple to answer, Thomas – you fear that evil alter-ego that you created ..." With that, St. Michael disappeared in a burning flash of light.
~DAHP~
Albus Dumbledore and Voldemort arrived at Nurmengard, out in the Bavarian Alps.
"Nice scenery, Albus. What's the background of this prison?"
"It was Grindelwald's prison. It seemed right to me to imprison him here – the irony of the situation was delicious."
"Hmm. I would have thought he would have sent them out to Hitler's infamous concentration camps. Auschwitz, so I've read, was brutal."
Albus looked at Voldemort in some understandable shock. "YOU read Muggle history?"
"Oh, yes. Some of it was fascinating, especially Hitler's experiment creating what he called the Third Reich. The idea of eradicating the inferior peoples – I think he was one of my greatest inspirations, though Pureblood supremacy was nothing new when I came on the scene."
"Quite. I have no doubt some of Grindelwald's enemies went to the concentration camps, but he sent a number out here. There are only so many open cells, right?"
"Good point, Albus. I'll wait out here for you to talk with him."
~DAHP~
Gellert Grindelwald looked up from his writing desk. "Albus, mein Freund! It's good to see you, ja?"
"It seems like old times, Gellert. Have you been doing well?"
Gellert chuckled. "Have I been doing vell? Ach, this jail cell is quite the retirement for me. Sure, I'm under house arrest, but I make the best of it as I can. I write, I read, I pray … ja, alles ist gut. Now, vat about you? You didn't come here just to catch up on old times, am I right?"
"You are right, Gellert."
"Speak, then. I'm listening."
"You see, there is this rebellious thorn in my side, by the name of Harry Potter ..." With that, Dumbledore explained to his old friend about all the trouble that Potter had been causing him. When he finished, Gellert gave the matter some thought.
"So, if I understand you, you need my help? Considering you are more powerful than I am, vy do you think I should help you?"
"He's growing too powerful for me, Gellert. Do it for the Greater Good … do it for the sake of our friendship."
Gellert nodded. "Okay, my old friend. I'll help you."
The two met up with Voldemort, and they disappeared to Malfoy Manor. Tommy Riddle, sensing their arrival, sent out a distress signal to Harry: "HARRY! I'M GONNA NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!"
~DAHP~
St. Michael stood at the ward boundary to Malfoy Manor when Harry and his group arrived. "It's good to see you again, Harry. I have the last Horcrux for the Devil to take."
The Devil took it with a smile. "The sooner we can get rid of Voldemort, the better. We're looking at an early Apocalypse if Harry does not defeat him."
"Harry has us for support – Deo gratias. Harry, do you see that man standing guard at the door?"
Harry looked ahead and identified him. "Yes. His name is Gellert Grindelwald, a former Dark Lord responsible for the death of many during World War II. Wait just a minute – he's also changed his allegiance?"
"Prison has a way of changing people, Harry. If Thomas could do it, why not Grindelwald? Go forward and speak to him."
~DAHP~
"Good evening, Grindelwald."
"You must be the celebrated Harry Potter, I presume, ja?"
"Yes. Dumbledore must have told you about me, but enough of that. Where do your loyalties lie?"
"Vith you, of course, mein Herr. Dumbledore forgot to mention that you vere the Todesmeister – the Master of Death."
"He did not know this, but he is in for a shock." He motioned for his group to move forward, though he stopped the Heads of House. "The four of you need to go back to Hogwarts. If Voldemort wins here, I am certain Hogwarts is next on his hit list."
Professor Snape nodded. "We understand, Milord. God be with you." They disappeared.
Turning to Grindelwald, Harry gave him a cold smile. "We'll see you in a few minutes."
~DAHP~
Within the Manor, a furious battle had been going for a few minutes, when the Devil interrupted in a sing-song voice: "Oh, Moldy Voldy!"
Voldemort turned around and his face froze in horror. "My Horcruxes! HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND THOSE?"
"Hello? I'm the Prince of Darkness himself! How would I NOT know about the shenanigans you Dark wizards do? You owe me a payment of your soul in exchange for all the power I gave you, but you thought you could cheat me … NOT ANYMORE, VOLDYSHORTS!"
"Avada Kedavra!"
The green light hit the Devil, but his response was a cold maniacal laugh. "Oooh, how that tickles! My turn ..." A flash of Hellfire later, the Horcruxes turned to ash as with a scream, Voldemort and Tommy fell unconscious. "Now, as for you, Belial … you've been a bad little demon ..."
St. Michael rushed past him to extract Belial out of Dumbledore. Pinning the demon to the ground, the Prince of the Celestial Host said, "With the authority vested in me by the Power of the Almighty, I'm deporting you back to Hell," here he made the Sign of the Cross, "in Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti." Belial disappeared with another scream. "Now you can take Dumbledore out, Harry."
"Thank you, St. Michael, but I feel there is someone else who wants to share in this … Gellert?"
Dumbledore could not believe his eyes. "Et tu, Gellert?"
"Albus, mein Freund, you couldn't expect to survive against Herr Potter, could you? Look at the situation: he has both der Himmel and die Hölle at his side! Add in the fact that vith the three artifacts of Death in his possession, he is the rightful Todesmeister. Give up now, and he may be merciful. Fight him, and you vill lose."
Albus Dumbledore considered his options. Either way that he chose – surrender or fight – the odds looked bad for him. If he surrendered, at least he would be alive, but at the price of his dignity. No, he could never surrender – NEVER! Maybe he could blow Potter and his allies away with a blast of Fiendfyre. An answering blast of Seraphic Fire met it.
The resulting explosion blew them off of their feet. Much to Lucius's dismay – ("MY MANOR! DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY GALLEONS IT WILL COST ME TO FIX IT?!") – it also blew the roof off of the Manor!
"Damn!" the Devil said from the sidelines. "I've heard the expression 'Blow them to Kingdom Come,' but this was too literal! Michael, you want some popcorn?"
"No, thanks, I already have some."
A coughing Dumbledore got to his feet. "I don't think we'll try that again, am I right, Lord Potter?"
"Yeah, agreed. That was a bit much, even for us. What were you trying to do, roast us?"
With a momentary thought of "BLAST!", both sides went at it again, spells flying everywhere. It went on for a half-hour, neither side gaining any ground. Even though he did not have the Elder Wand anymore, Dumbledore made up for it with a surprising speed and his many years of experience. In the end, he lost to Harry's teamwork and to magical fatigue – the Fiendfyre blast cost him a lot of energy.
As Dumbledore died, Voldemort and Tommy awoke and struggled to their feet. Both were weak from losing the Horcruxes, so they had one shot to get rid of the other – or both.
"Avada Kedavra!"
"Πυραγιον!"
The two spells met and connected with each other. Tommy threw his energy into forcing Voldemort's spell back as a cage of bright light formed around them.
"Hold on, Thomas ..."
"Keep it up, Thomas, you're doing great ..."
Holding the connection, Tommy's eyes widened when he saw who was behind him. "Lily? James?"
Lily smiled. "We've forgiven you, Thomas. Old things are passed away, and behold, all has become new."
James smiled too. "We're almost there, son. Keep going … for Harry."
For Harry. In what seemed to him like a split second, Tommy had a vision of Harry and Hermione smiling with their kids gathered around them. There would be no more need to worry about danger and death lurking around every corner.
Would he be a part of it? Would he and Ophelia live on to have kids and enjoy their time with Harry and Hermione?
He did not know, but it did not matter anymore to him. Greater love has no man than to give up his life for his friends. Harry was his friend, but he was more than that. He was a brother. He could never live in peace as long as Voldemort was around. With that thought in his mind – "For Harry" – Tommy Riddle gave one final push to his magic, hopeful that it would be enough. Voldemort's final scream of pain as the Seraphic Fire burned him to a crisp told him that it was enough. It was finished.
~DAHP~
King Minos smiled. "Why, Albus, how we've missed you! Did you enjoy your time on Earth? No? Aw, that's too bad, because I have something for you to keep you too busy to escape … the Boulder of Sisyphus! Do you know what it is?"
"Rolling a boulder up a hill, if I'm not mistaken."
"I'll give you partial credit. You have to roll a boulder up through the environs of Hell, all the way from the icy lake of Treachery up to me. When you get up here, I'll kick it down there, and you'll have to begin again. You're going to need some help, though … how about … Voldyshorts?"
Voldemort growled. "The … name … is … VOLDEMORT!"
"SILENCE! You both hate each other, right? Well, no better partner than someone who hates you, I say! A match made in Hell, indeed! Yes, given all the trouble the BOTH of you have caused us, we feel it is more than appropriate! Get cracking!" A chain appeared linking Dumbledore and Voldemort together as he kicked them down to Treachery.
"Ron Weasley … you fatass little pig … we have an exercise regimen for you ..."
The exercise regimen involved a military drill team running with him all the way through Hell. There would be plenty of demons jeering at him and tossing everything possible in his direction, such as rotten fruits, vegetables, excrement, flaming excrement – EVERYTHING! The terrain of Hell was not friendly to runners either.
King Minos turned on the large radio system and put on a song: "It's a Small World After All." After that was finished, he said, "That was the famous song, 'It's a Small World After All' by the Disney Corporation. My name is King Minos, and I'll be your host here on K-HELL, all awful music, all the time, for the rest of eternity. Next up, we have Roseanne singing the American National Anthem." The denizens of Hell screamed. "After that, we have the music of Justin Bieber." There were more screams. "Being in a place with awful music, while unable to escape, that is Hell. Oooh, boy, do I love this job ..."
~DAHP~
Along with Harry and his company, a crowd of angels and saints were gathered around Tommy.
St. Raphael spoke up. "Harry, I'm sorry … Thomas is not going to be around much longer ..."
"Well … meathead … aren't you going to say … something?"
"What do you want me to say, Tommy? You know we're going to miss you and all ..."
"True … but I was expecting … you to … scream … or break … something."
"No … Malfoy Manor has suffered enough tonight."
Lucius smiled. "Thank you for the thought, Milord … though I do plan to rebuild, so it's not that big a deal if you break something else, I assure you."
"George, I wonder what Lucius Malfoy's insurance bill would look like?"
"I don't know, Fred, but if it involves Lord Potter in its calculations, it's bound to be stratospheric."
This elicited a laugh out of the group. "Fred and George … you two … are the funniest … pranksters … I've ever … had the pleasure … of knowing. Keep … an eye … on him … for me."
"Aye," they said.
"Ophelia … I'm sorry … that I won't be around ..."
"Thomas Marvolo Riddle, don't you say you're sorry! It was all for Harry's sake, so he and Hermione could have a happy life together, and you did it!"
"What about … our time … together?"
Ophelia kissed him. "Darling … we did have a wonderful time together. I'll manage … somehow." Then she started to sing:
"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when,
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day!"
Tommy joined in:
"Keep smiling through … just like you always do,"
As did Harry and Hermione:
"Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away!"
"Beautiful," said St. Michael. "Now, if you don't mind, we're giving him our own send-off." With that, the choir of angels and saints, led by the Virgin Mary, sang in a tear-jerking celestial harmony:
"Sleep, my child, and peace attend thee,
All through the night!
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night!
Soft the lowly hours are creeping ...
Hill and vale in slumber sleeping ...
I my loving vigil keeping …
All through the night!
Holl amrantau'r sêr ddywedant,
Ar hyd y nos!
Dyma'r ffordd i fro gogoniant,
Ar hyd y nos!
Golau arall yw tywyllwch …
I arddangos gwir brydferthwch …
Teleu'r nefoedd mewn tawellwch …
Ar hyd y nos!"
~DAHP~
The author has to take a short pause … [grieves for Tommy...] Okay …
Much to the shock of everyone at the funeral, Tommy managed to come back alive. Seamus's uncle – the priest praying Tommy's Requiem Mass – fainted. The only explanation Tommy gave for this miracle was, "Even though I was happy to be there, God felt it wouldn't be right to have me stay yet, so I'm back for a long while … I hope ..."
Harry smiled. "We've missed you so much, Tommy. It's good to have you back."
"So, what hijinks are up for next year?"
"Well …" said Hermione, "we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor named Gilderoy Lockhart ..."
"Wait just a minute … is he that guy who wrote all those books about all his heroic deeds?" Hermione nodded and he made a facepalm. "As much as I enjoy books … oy … this is going to be a long year ..."
Author's Note: I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. There's an Epilogue coming up for it, and yes, I do agree this should be in the humor category …
Smiles,
Loki Palmer
Chapter 33 – The Epilogue
(A number of Years Later)
"Ah, Starbucks," said Tommy. "God bless the man who invented this place. Hot chocolates for Harry and Hermione, and coffees for me and Ophelia, right?"
"You've got it, Tommy," said Harry.
"Oh, come on … when are the two of you going to try some caffeine? It'll cure what ails ya."
Harry chortled at this. "Please … we both know me on caffeine would be a scary thing."
Tommy noted a heated argument some distance away. "Harry, do you see that young man, over there?"
"Which one? Can you give any details?"
Hermione nodded. "I see him. His beard is like a weed, glasses … merry blue eyes … his hair's wild and all over the place, yet he has a receding hairline ..." Tommy snorted at this last bit. "He's not old, Tommy! If anything, he looks quite young ..."
"I would add 'dashing' to that statement," said a smiling Ophelia. "He must be out for a night on the town, but it doesn't seem to be going so well."
The girl sitting across from the young man got up. "It was nice meeting you."
"The same to you. Have a nice night."
"Wow … he's so polite, too," said Hermione.
The disappointment on the young man's face lasted for a brief second, but he replaced it with a smile and a small chuckle. Then he turned his head. He saw them. His eyes widened in wonder and he turned his head back to face forward.
"Is he okay?" said Tommy.
Ophelia rushed forward. "He's going to faint!"
Sure enough, a couple moments later, he did. Ophelia arrived in time to catch him.
~DAHP~
He opened his eyes with a groan. "Whoa, that's a first for me."
Ophelia wiped his head with a wet cloth from Tommy. "Are you sure you're okay?"
He smiled. "I'm okay now, thanks to you. You must be an angel, because you caught me at the right moment."
"You're quite the smooth talker, you are, Mister …?"
"Oh, where are my manners? My name's Loki Palmer. What's yours?"
"Ophelia Riddle. These others are my husband, Tommy Riddle, as well as Harry and Hermione Potter."
Upon hearing the word "husband," Loki struggled to get up. "Oh, goodness gracious me, what an embarrassment I must have caused you!"
Tommy and Harry helped to pick him up and put him in his seat. "Loki, there's no need to worry – you haven't done anything wrong."
"I still owe you my profuse apologies, Tommy –"
"Hey, kid, you just need to be grateful that she was there to catch you. It could have been worse otherwise, given the size of your big head."
Loki's eyes flashed at him. "Are you saying that I have a big head?"
"Yeah, you do, Loki, but don't feel too bad. We've seen bigger. Are you waiting on an order?"
Loki smiled. "Yes, I am. Wait for it ..."
A female barista called, "I have a venti iced chai latte here for Pat McGroyne! Pat McGroyne! HEY, SOMEBODY, PAT MCGROYNE!"
All the customers within the Starbucks laughed at her as she blushed and ran into the back. Loki went and got his drink to the applause of his fellow customers. "Well, now that I have a nice big dose of caffeine here, how about we go?" They nodded, and he whistled. "ベンジ,いこう!" (Benji, let's go!)
A young man, brown hair with green eyes, answered, "ロキいとこ,僕はくる!" (Cousin Loki, I'm coming!)
~DAHP~
"あの,いとこ,誰か女をみわくするか?難破いいだか?" (So, cousin, are you attracting any ladies? Is the hunting well?)
"いいえ,この今晩できない." (No, I cannot tonight.)
"このかわいい女は,何ロキいとこいうか?" (What does Cousin Loki say about these cute ladies?)
Loki smacked him upside the head. "結婚している,白雉!" (They are married, idiot!)
Loki's smack didn't faze Benji. "きれいだね?" (They are beautiful, right?)
Loki smiled. "そうだ.とてもきれいだ." (It is true. They are very beautiful.)
"何問題だか?鶏だか?" (What's the problem? Are you chicken?)
"いいえ,馬鹿ではない!" (No, I am not stupid!)
Tommy smiled. "ロキがとても賢いですと思います." (I think that Loki is very smart.)
Loki and Benji looked at him with evident shock. "トマスさん,日本語（にほんご）をわかりますか?" (Tommy, you understand Japanese?)
"はい.私たち日本語を勉強しました." (Yes. We studied Japanese.)
Loki blanched for a brief moment, but it did not escape Hermione's attention. "ロキ君,何邪魔するか?" (Loki, what's disturbing?)
Loki refused to speak. "ロキ君,私たちに話しましてください." (Loki, please tell us.)
Ophelia's face brightened as if a light bulb went on. "今あたしは見る.あたしたちはきれいですとロキいいました.そうだね,ロキちゃん?" (Now I see. Loki said we [ladies] are beautiful. Isn't that right, little Loki?)
Loki's response prompted Hermione to say, "おう,それかわいいね!赤くなる!" (Aw, isn't that cute! He's blushing!)
Ophelia turned to Benji. "ロキとてもかわいいとかわいらしい.ベンジ君,どうして女がロキをおかけないか?" (Loki is very cute and sweet. Benji, why are the ladies not chasing him?)
Benji shrugged. "オフェリアさん,知りません." (Ophelia, I don't know.)
Loki looked at them, amused. "終えたか?" (Have you finished?)
Benji smiled back at him. "はい.どうして聞くか?" (Yes. Why do you ask?)
"誰が,映画見たいですか?" (Who wants to see a movie?)
Harry smiled. "どのが,映画ですか?" (Which movie?)
Loki handed him eight DVDs. "これを知っているか?" (Do you know these?)
Harry's eyes widened upon seeing the titles. "あの,デベデだ,がちょっと...この映画を見れなかった." (Well, they are DVDs, but hold on … I haven't seen these movies.)
Tommy looked at them with interest. "うちのハーリーでと家族見ましょう." (Let's see [them] at Harry's place with the Family.)
"DOBBY!"
POP! "How can Dobby be serving Milord Potter?"
Benji, to the group's amusement, leaped into Loki's arms à la Scooby Doo. "何が,これだか?!" (What is THAT?!)
Loki's eyes widened. "ゾイヌクス!ハーリー主人ですか?!" (Zoinks! Harry's a lord?!)
Harry took control. "Guys, calm down. To answer Benji's question, Dobby is a house elf. And, yes, Loki is right, I am a lord, although I don't use it to look down my nose at other people. There's no need to panic, because I consider the two of you as my friends, so there's no need to be formal with me."
Benji got out of Loki's arms and gave Dobby a bow. "すみません.うちエルフいますと思いませんでした.始めまして.どうぞ宜しくお願いします." (Excuse me. I didn't think house elves exist. It's a pleasure to meet you. Please treat me kindly.)
"Benji, you're going a bit overboard with the formality," said Loki, failing to contain his amusement.
"Dobby is always honored to meet Harry Potter's friends," said Dobby, returning the bow. "Out of curiosity, does Benji speak English?"
"Of course I do, Dobby, it's just that I prefer Japanese," said Benji.
Dobby grabbed the hands of Loki and Benji. "That's good to know. Shall we go to the Manor?" They nodded, and the three disappeared again with a POP!
Ophelia scratched her chin in thought. "What is it about Loki that seems so familiar?"
Hermione thought for a few moments. "I don't know, but he has more charm in his little finger than Professor Bighead had in his smile."
Tommy glanced at Harry. "Do you feel like this is a bad thing?"
"No, I don't. I can sense that he has a friendly personality. Did you note how nervous he seemed when he heard about you and Ophelia?"
Tommy smiled. "Yeah. At least he's honorable. His sense of humor too – I like it."
~DAHP~
Out at Potter Manor, Loki and Benji got to meet the other members of Harry's Family – Seamus and Ginny Finnegan, Neville and Luna Longbottom, Draco and Daphne Malfoy, Fred and George Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Arthur Weasley, Madam Amelia Bones …
The two most noteworthy meetings were: Dan and Emma Granger, and Susan Bones
Hermione brought Loki and Benji over to her mom in the kitchen. "Loki, Benji, I'd like you to meet my mum, Emma Granger."
Loki, with a small grin on his face, gave her hand a chivalrous kiss and started to sing:
"And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson,
Jesus loves you more than you will know!"
"Well, aren't you quite the charmer, Loki?"
"Thank you, ma'am." Loki looked up and released her hand. "Ah, Mr. Granger, I presume?"
"Yes, young man, and you are …?"
"Loki Palmer. I'm a friend of Harry's, and this is my cousin, Benji. Your family is beautiful, by the way."
"Why, thank you, Loki. You do know Harry is protective of Hermione, right?"
"I would be the same way, sir, so I understand."
"Good boy. Make one wrong move and Harry will gut you like a boned fish. The same goes for Benji."
Benji held up his hands. "While I'm sure we're both grateful for the warning, sir, I must say that I'm perfectly happy as a single person."
Hermione looked at Loki and realized something. "Oh, thanks for that mental trigger, Benji. Loki, there's a young lady here I'd like you to meet: Susan Bones."
"Oh? Out of curiosity, is she taken?"
"No, she isn't – not at the moment."
There was a happy gleam in Loki's eyes. Benji, shaking his head, said, "Do you have any idea what you've unleashed? Now all we need is some delicious food for her to give him, and he will be one happy mutt."
"What kind of appetite does our little Loki have, Benji?"
"食欲のロキはゴジラの二番目来臨だ.僕は恐れるべんきだ,が恐れない.食べて寝る.寝て食べる.大笑い人間の形にだ" (Loki's appetite is the second coming of Godzilla. I should be afraid, but I'm not. He eats and sleeps. He sleeps and eats. He is laughter in human form.)
Hermione's smile brightened. "そうだか?見ましょう.これは滑稽な光景べきだ." (Is that so? Let's see. This should be a funny sight.)
Dobby got a brilliant idea. "Who wants cheesecake?"
Loki and Benji said in stereo, "Cheesecake?"
"Are you sure you're not twin brothers?" said Ophelia.
"Not always, Ophelia," said Loki. Dobby snapped his fingers, and the cheesecake floated far above his head. "Cheesecake … purty … with chocolate glaze … mmmmmmm … chocolate glaze ..."
"Impact in three … two … one ..."
SNAP! Loki dived out of the kitchen, trying to save the falling cheesecake.
"What the –"
CRASH! Benji and the quartet came out and burst out laughing upon seeing the sight of Loki and Susan, both of their smiling faces covered in cheesecake.
"Would you look at this! It's the perfect couple!" said Hermione. "Loki, this is Susan. Susan, Loki. Loki and Susan, meet cheesecake."
Loki shrugged. "It's one of my better Homer Simpson moments."
A light blush painted Susan's cheesecake-covered cheeks. "So, Loki, you wild young man, are you saving some of that cheesecake for later?"
"Susan, this wild young man has two settings: Wild and Wilder."
"No, Loki, your two settings are ノーマル and 気違い."
"これを聞いた!" (I heard that!)
"What did he say, Loki?"
"Susan, he said my two settings were NORMAL and MANIC."
"Wait a minute … now that I think about it, if your NORMAL is MANIC, then that would give you one setting … that can't be right ..."
"静かに,ベンジ君!" (Shut up, Benji!)
"本当だと知る.どうして喧嘩してみる?どうして拒絶してみる?" (You know it's true. Why try to fight it? Why try to deny it?)
Susan decided to take some initiative. Leaning up to Loki's face over her, she licked a piece of cheesecake off of it. It was the neutron that set off a fission reaction of hormones in the couple as they moved to her room for a little privacy.
"Dobby wonders if he spilled enough cheesecake over this happy couple?" A pleasant scream from Susan told him all he needed to know.
Benji started to sing:
"When you mix lovers and a cheesecake,
Giggity giggity giggity ..."
Tommy rolled his eyes. "Oy, the people I have to live with in this Manor. HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU ERECT SOME MOTHERLOVING SILENCING CHARMS, FOR SALAZAR'S BLOODY SAKE?! YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES SLEEPING HERE, YOU ANIMALS!"
There was a rumble of thunder. "GET BENT!"
"YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'VE GOT A LADY IN THERE, YOU –"
Benji put a warning hand on his shoulder. "の為に安全,この文を終えないで." (For the sake of safety, don't finish that sentence.)
"Why not?"
"怒れば,危険だ." (When he is angry, he is dangerous.)
"ハーリーもだね?" (Harry is too, right?)
"もちろん,が目覚めさせる怒りのロキをとても聡明ではありません." (Of course, but awakening Loki's anger is not very wise.)
"ロキパルマー神ですか?" (Is Loki Palmer a god?)
"いいえ.人間です.強力な魔法の人間,が人間だ.物語ハーリーポッターとオリンプスの王子と読んだか?" (No. He is human. A powerful magical human, but he is a human. Have you read the story, "Harry Potter and the Prince of Olympus?")
This statement piqued the interest of the quartet. "ロキ物語を書くか?" (He writes stories?)
"はい." (Yes.) His eyes widened as he made a facepalm. "おっと,仏,僕は余りを言った..." (Oh, Buddha, I've said too much...)
"Benji, don't worry. Loki's probably asleep by now, and besides, we would have found this out sooner or later."
"True … but I think he would prefer telling you himself ..."
"Tell us more."
Benji told them everything he knew about Loki Palmer … the fanfiction he wrote, his Muggle disguise for when he went out among the Muggles, everything. "In a way, you could say he travels all around the literary multiverse and reporting on what he sees. His favorite sector tends to be that sector in which Harry gets together with Hermione."
"Literary multiverse? That's a new one," said Harry and Tommy.
"The idea is simple. Theoretically, there are many different literary universes out there – a multiverse. In one sector, things go one way. In another sector, they go a different way. For instance, in this sector, Harry and Hermione got together. In another sector, Ron and Hermione got together – as weird as that may seem. Sorry about that, Hermione."
"No offense taken, Benji. How does anyone figure that Ron and I could get together?"
Benji shrugged his shoulders. "I can't figure it out. Across the literary multiverse, Ron is probably the stupidest prick around. He's not even smart enough to make a good comedy relief. Fred and George are the undisputed comedy relief of the show. As odd as that may be, there yet another sector where Harry and Ginny got together ..."
"WHAT?!" said Harry. "But she – but she – but she looks like my mom!"
"Loki objects to it too, Harry – on that same principle."
~DAHP~
The next morning found Susan Bones in bed hugging an adorable St. Bernard dog with blue eyes. Giving Susan a good morning kiss, it leaped off of the bed and transformed back into Loki. "So, Susan, how about we head to the kitchen for breakfast?"
"Are you cooking it, dear Loki?"
Loki gave a snort. "No, I am not. I'm a cooking disaster waiting to happen."
"Ah, I understand. So, your cousin Benji is the one who cooks for you?"
"Yep. The only cooking I do is in a microwave."
Susan stretched her arms out to him. "How about carrying me into breakfast, big boy?"
Loki picked her up and she latched onto him. "Are you comfortable?"
"Yes, dear Loki … I wonder what's cooking?"
"Let's see ..." He took a deep sniff and sped off, saying, "It's … BACON! Baconbaconbaconbaconbacon!"
~DAHP~
Benji was in the kitchen with a bright grin on his face. "日光,おはよう!良く寝たか?" (Good morning, sunshine! Did you sleep well?)
"はい,とても良く寝た.どこ朝御飯あるか?" (Yes, I slept very well. Where's breakfast?)
"今食べ物がほしいだか?昨晩食べなかった." (Now you want food? You didn't eat last night.)
"忙しかった." (I was busy.)
"知る.ノイズをたくさんしていました." (I know. You were making a lot of noise.)
"Even with Silencing Charms, you still shook the place, you two mutts," said Tommy with a smile. "Benji was right in saying that you were powerful."
Loki started singing as he danced and collected breakfast for himself and Susan:
"You … shook me all night long ..."
Benji rolled his eyes. "この愛の犬二匹野蛮だ.世界は解いた侠気を分かりますか?疑問が在る." (Those two dogs of love are wild. Does the world understand the madness it has unleashed? I have doubts.)
Loki glanced at him. "君の知性静けさの田舎だ.そこ,こおろぎを聞くことができる." (Your brain is a countryside of tranquility. There, I can hear crickets.)
Benji gave him a cold snort. "それおかしかった.笑いを忘れた." (That was funny. I forgot the laughter.)
"嫌味のメーター舞い上がってる." (The sarcasm meter is soaring.)
"嫌味のメーター在るか?" (You have a sarcasm meter?)
Loki felt a soft hand caressing his cheek. "Yes, Susan?"
"Loki, can you show me how to eat with chopsticks?"
"Benji, you put out the 端, didn't you?"
"はい." (Yes.)
"Okay." He took a pair of chopsticks, also known as hashi, into his hand. "Here's how you work them, Susan: you hold the bottom one still in your hand like a pencil between your middle and ring fingers – yes, like that – and you put the top one along your index finger. Remember to hold the bottom one still and move the top one with your index finger … allright, don't worry, it takes some practice..."
~DAHP~
After finishing breakfast, the group went into the Manor's cinema room, where the rest of the Family was waiting for them. Also there were Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, Professors McGonagall, Sprout, Flitwick, and Snape, as well as Griphook and Ragnok.
"Ah," said Holmes, "this must be the celebrated Loki Palmer that we have heard about. A great pleasure to meet you."
Loki looked at Harry, who gave him a shrug. "Loki, you might as well meet everyone."
"Watson, what do you observe about our new friend?"
"Well, Holmes, the glasses lend him an air of intelligence. Beyond that, I note that his pupils are quite dilated, hence he likes his caffeine."
"Indeed, Watson. Judging from an additional clue from Harry's letter he sent us last night – the venti iced chai latte – I would go further and say that he is addicted to it. Not that there's a problem with that, Mr. Palmer."
"Oh, please … call me Loki. Professors, it is a pleasure to meet you."
"The same here," they said back to him.
Ragnok and Griphook smiled. "Any friend of Lord Potter is a friend of ours," they said.
Loki smiled back. "My honor to meet you, most honored goblins. Now, we came here to see a series of movies, so how about we do so?"
"So, what's the story behind these?" said Harry.
"Well, Harry, far be it from me to ruin the main story before we see it, but these are based off a series of seven books by a Muggle named J.K. Rowling."
So the group sat down to watch the movie series known as "Harry Potter." Watching it, comments of all kinds, as well as laughter, crying and cheers filled the cinema. Much to everyone's shock, Tommy, who professed no love for Albus "Manipulative Old Prick" Dumbledore, was crying watching his death at the end of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince."
One favorite moment was Neville Longbottom's rousing speech in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II." Watching this, Neville said, "Yep, that sounds like something I'd say."
Seeing the look on Voldemort's face when Harry showed himself alive, Tommy said, "Hold on! Pause it!" When the movie was paused, he went on to say, "This look on his face sums it up. You know what it says? It says: YOU! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO KILL YOU, BOY?"
When the film resumed, everyone said, "GO HARRY!"
Finally, after a couple days with all the breaks, they finished watching the film series. "So, according to J.K. Rowling, I somehow ended up with Ron?" said Hermione. Loki nodded. "What was her point – even a bloody idiot can get lucky?"
"Not to mention, where did she get the idea that I would end up with Ginny?" said Harry. "Emma Watson had more screen time with Daniel Radcliffe than Bonnie Wright did. As for Cho Chang – what did he ever see in her? That was a train wreck from the start! I'm sorry, but that Harry Potter was a bloody idiot for not noticing the hot piece of giggity that was Hermione Granger!"
"So – Ron Weasley, the Resident Troll-Brain of Hogwarts, is dead, so I've heard … you defeated Voldemort in one year … what else went on?"
~FLASHBACK~
As Harry, Hermione, Tommy and Ophelia were ending their summer, they came up to Flourish and Blotts to get their textbooks, to find the place packed with screaming fangirls.
"Oh, this is great – what do you know? It's the one day we have to come by for our textbooks, and here we have this preening prick of a peacock strutting about here for a bloody book signing!" said a cranky Tommy.
Gilderoy Lockhart looked into the crowd. "Merlin's beard – is that – Harry Potter?"
The Daily Prophet cameraman tried to grab him, but found himself thrown into Lockhart …
~END FLASHBACK~
"So, what happened with Professor Bighead?"
"Thanks to his habit of preening himself before his mirror, he became a new statue in the castle, and he's remained there ever since," said Tommy with a smile.
"What about Professor Umbitch?"
"Sad to say, we had her as a professor ..."
~FLASHBACK~
"Professor?" said Hermione.
"Yes, Lady Potter?"
"There aren't any defensive spells in these books."
"Spells? Ha! Why would you need any defensive spells?"
"Well, let me venture a guess: maybe because this class be called 'Defense Against the Dark Arts?' " said Seamus.
She glared at him. "That will be enough, Mr. Finnegan. The Ministry feels that you should be able to learn defense in a safe, risk-free manner."
"Risk free?" said Harry. "If somebody attacks me, no way in Hell is it going to be risk-free!"
There was a collective "A-men!" from the students.
"Who, may I ask, would like to attack such children like yourself?"
Harry shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know … maybe another Dark wizard like Voldemort?"
"Lord Potter, with all due respect, I am quite sure there are no more Dark wizards around."
"Eh, I don't know, Harry. That sugary sweet façade is tempting my Dark side to come back in full force. Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva, when practicing deeply the Prajna Paramita, perceived that all five skandhas* are empty and is saved from all distress ..."
[*Skandhas are the parts that join together to create the illusion of the self in Buddhist thought: form, feelings, perceptions, impulses, and consciousness.]
"It doesn't hurt to be prepared, Professor … just in case ..."
"Kill the bitch! Spill her blood! Bash her in! Kill the bitch! Spill her blood! Bash her in! Kill the bitch! Spill her blood! Bash her in!"
"Shut up, Tommy! We are not going to kill her!"
~END FLASHBACK~
"For his arguments with Professor Umbitch, Harry got detention with blood quills. However, we didn't kill her, but considering she used a blood quill on him, we let Gringotts take care of her."
"And we did," said a grinning Lord Ragnok. "Blood quills are considered the property of Gringotts, and to use one without authorization carries a stiff penalty. The penalty we gave her was even stiffer, considering she used one on our friend Lord Potter. To this day and beyond, she is helping to keep the dragon toilets clean – not a pleasant job, I assure you."
Griphook added to that, "Yes, Loki, as the old saying goes: it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it." The entire group laughed at this joke.
~DAHP~
Over the number of years that followed the meeting that begins this Epilogue, Loki found himself visiting Potter Manor quite often. Harry did not mind this in the least, and even offered him a room to live. Loki accepted.
The romance with Susan Bones continued to blossom – yes, even to wedding bells. When the kids started arriving in the Manor, their common nickname for the merry young man was, "Uncle Loki." It stuck to him, even though other kids mistook him for Father Christmas and started to run after him …
Did Harry and his Family get to read this story? Yes, they did, although the few appearances of vulgar language in it kept the younger ones from hearing it until they were OF AGE. They all enjoyed reading (and hearing Loki read) it just the same.
FIN
CAST LIST
All roles from the original Harry Potter are as in the movies, except for the Granger parents. Hit it!
"Short people got … no reason ..."
"Rubeus Hagrid is still here? Awkward!"
Voice of (and body of) Tom Marvolo Riddle: Joe Pesci
"Why would they do that to you, Harry?"
Dr. Dan Granger: Brad Pitt
"It's that Dursley woman … you don't know how close I came to ending her, and the Dursleys, forever!"
Dr. Emma Granger: Emmanuelle Béart
"Griphook, you'd better pray you're not the one responsible for this … GET YOUR SUBORDINATES IN HERE IMMEDIATELY, ESPECIALLY ANYONE WHO HAS ACCESS TO THE POTTER VAULT!"
Lord Ragnok: Sir Sean Connery
"We'll be there in about ten minutes, Master Potter. Over and out."
Chief Constable Rowley: Himself
"No blee'in' way can they be married, 'Olmes!"
Constable Higgins: Michael Palin
"How can you be so sure of that, Holmes?"
Dr. John Watson: Jude Law
"Indeed, Watson. All in a day's work."
Sherlock Holmes: Robert Downey Jr.
"Being in a place with awful music, while unable to escape, that is Hell. Oooh, boy, do I love this job ..."
King Minos: James Earl Jones
"Look at me, you little twerp. You should be careful how you speak to people, or you will make many enemies, capisce?"
Ophelia Minerva Riddle: Eva Green (somebody like a YOUNG Eva Green)
"ECCE PRETIUM VIOLENTIAE!"
Freddy Krueger: Robert Englund
"Percy, these balloons float … and pretty soon, you'll be floating too! Happy floating!"
Pennywise: Tim Curry
"Will you make your Confession, Thomas, My Son?"
The Nazarene: Jim Caviezel
"Oh, Moldy Voldy!"
The Devil: Al Pacino
"All mortals are afraid of something, Thomas."
St. Michael: Sylvester Stallone
"Hail, Heir of Gryffindor."
Mary: Maia Morgenstern
"Harry … I'm sorry … Thomas isn't going to be around much longer ..."
St. Raphael: Keanu Reeves
"Cheesecake … purty … with chocolate glaze …. mmmmmmmmm … chocolate glaze ..."
Loki Palmer: Himself
"Wait a minute … if your NORMAL is MANIC, that would give you one setting … that can't be right ..."
Benji O'Dolios: Himself
Thanks goes out to all my readers and my numerous fans, especially:
Angel Girl5
DZ2
ChAOtiC ReApEr
(and so many others)
Thanks for reading! I love you all!
Smiles,
Loki Palmer
The End