I had seen a lot of absurd things in my two lives but nothing could have prepared me for watching the morning news about my own condition while sitting on a velvet couch in a mansion that smelled faintly of coffee and flowers.
Norphie's absurdly luxurious living room was enough to make me believe that she enjoys her life as a rich person.
The TV announcer's voice echoed:
"Breaking news: Forty-six noble Fluxers are confirmed dead following last night's tragedy at a Hotel in Rome. One hundred sixty-three others are injured and one hundred twenty-eight are suffering from Flux Corrosion. Twenty-six have transformed into unstable Fluviums."
I leaned back and stared at the screen. The maids were next to me, wearing their maid outfits.
"Fantastic. So we're officially the opening act of a national disaster."
Naelle was sprawled upside-down on the armchair.
"Correction, master. We're the headliners of a national disaster."
The news anchor continued dramatically:
"The perpetrators are believed to be the elusive Null Handmaidens, an underground Flux assassin network infamous for infiltration and annihilation tactics. Their leader remains at large."
Every head in the room turned toward Enheduanna, who was sitting primly on the other end of the couch, her hands folded on her lap, wearing a white maid dress. She blinked once, expression unreadable, and sighed.
"They got my lighting wrong."
I nearly choked. "That's what you're focusing on? Not the part where you're apparently a national threat?"
She tilted her head, serene as a saint. "You said to make it convincing, Master."
Before I could respond, the news changed to footage from the gala. There www broken glass, screaming nobles and flashes of light. Then came the words that nearly made me spit out my drink:
"Among the injured is the heir of the House of Argemenes, Lord Phasnovterich Vecria Argemenes, seen here shielding Empress Aurelia Augustus from the blast. He is reported to be in critical condition, having taken the full brunt of the explosion meant for the Empress."
Rielinne let out a long whistle. "Master, you look like a movie poster."
I groaned. "You people are supposed to be remorseful assassins, not my fan club."
Syraleh adjusted her frilly apron. "We're multitasking."
Naelle grinned as she mimed dramatic music.
"So heroic though. He took the explosion meant for the Empress! You are an absolute martyr, my lord."
Iserra snorted. "Bet half the Empire's noblewomen are writing tragic love letters to your 'grave' right now."
"Wonderful. Just what I needed."
Then, on screen, came Norphie, standing before an army of microphones outside the wrecked hotel. She looked every inch the poised heiress, even with her gown still slightly scorched.
"To the families affected, I extend my sincerest condolences. The tragedy that occurred during my private gathering is an unforgivable act, and I accept full responsibility for ensuring justice is served."
"The House of Phoenicia will be cooperating with Imperial forces to locate the Null Handmaidens. Furthermore, Lord Phasnovterich Vecria Argemenes, the injured heir of Argemenes, is under our care. His bravery saved the Empress. Until he recovers, I will personally oversee his treatment."
"I apologize to every citizen of the Empire, and I promise, this will never happen again."
Was she that good at acting? She's the one who put the bombs in her party!
"Wow. That's… that's actually convincing."
Naelle clapped like she was at a concert. "She deserves an award, Master. She almost cried when she said your name."
Syraleh nodded thoughtfully. "Her emotional control is impressive. You would think she didn't personally help orchestrate the entire thing. Yeah, and the 'I will personally oversee his treatment' part? She made it sound like I'm in a coma in her basement."
"Technically," Iserra said, "you are in her mansion. So she's not lying."
The news anchor continued.
"Norphie Phoenicia's statement has calmed much of the public outrage, with many hailing her response as exemplary leadership. Her courage in sheltering the Argemenes heir has only strengthened ties between the two Houses."
Rielinne smirked. "See, Master? You're an international love story now."
I facepalmed. "I hate everything about that sentence. Hinesia is going to kill me..."
Then the anchor's tone brightened.
"In a related note, several eyewitnesses captured footage of the suspected Handmaidens fleeing the scene. Among them, their leader Enheduanna has become somewhat of an online sensation. Fans are calling her 'the Angel of Darkness.' The Commoner Fluxers that support the Null Handmaidens for the destruction of the Noble Fluxers have begun making the assassins more popular."
Every head turned toward Enheduanna again. Naelle nearly fell off her chair laughing.
"Oh no. You've gone viral!"
Syraleh checked her phone.
"She's trending on social media. Look, #AngelOfDarkness. There's fanart already!"
Enheduanna blinked at the screen, where a heavily stylized drawing of her appeared, a sword raised amid swirling black mist.
"They… drew me with wings? I do not have wings!"
Iserra leaned toward me and whispered, "She's not enjoying this."
"Don't encourage her, Iserra."
Meanwhile, Naelle was still scrolling. "Someone wrote, 'If she's evil, why is she so pretty?'"
"Because she's evil and pretty," Syraleh laughed.
"Alright, enough! All of you!"
They all stared at me, trying not to laugh. Even Enheduanna had the faintest ghost of a smile. I stood up, sighing, and looked at the screen one last time. The Empire was in chaos. Nobles were panicking. And apparently, I was the Empire's newest tragic hero.
"Fine. At least this gives us cover. I'm officially 'critically injured' for the next few weeks. We can move freely while everyone thinks I'm bedridden ."
Naelle raised her coffee cup. "To the dearly departed Lord Argemenes."
"May he rest in peace," Rielinne added solemnly, holding back laughter.
"Rest? You people are going to be the death of me before the Flux Corrosion even tries. We are going to do a lot of work after this."
Enheduanna gave a small curtsy.
"We will make sure your reputation dies beautifully, Master."
Great. Who knew I had maids who had a sense of humor? Enheduanna only stayed with them for three days and she was talking casually? Seriously, did the others assimilate her so easily?