After she left, I found myself thinking about my love life. I've never had a girlfriend. But did I need one? No. I've lived a life in which I was happy, or at least I thought I was. So, did I need someone? No. But did I want someone? Yes.
I've always had crushes on girls, but I think I've truly loved only once. It didn't work out, though. I don't think I was ready for a relationship, and she wasn't interested in me that way. To her, I was just a really good friend. But I didn't want to change anything. I liked things the way they were, so I never told her how I felt.
Was that the right choice? I don't know. Do I regret it? No. We made wonderful memories together, even as friends, and there's no point in regretting that. I still love her, and that hasn't changed. But even if I wanted to tell her now, it would only bring her pain because I'm dying. So this is a secret I'll take to my grave.
I truly believe love is a wonderful thing. But you can live a happy life without it. Is it the best life? Perhaps not. You'll still feel as though something is missing. But it's not that important. At least, I think so. Yet, on lonely nights, surrounded by cold and pain, I feel my heart ache. What does it mean to truly love someone? I don't think I've ever experienced that. I would like to. But I don't think I have enough time or energy for it. So all I can do is philosophise about love.
I feel like loving someone means giving everything you have without being left with nothing. Because love gives everything back to you. You support each other. You can't solve all her problems, and she can't solve all of yours. But you can find the answers together. Love isn't a solution. It's a manual for finding one.
I feel like I have enough strength to carry on by myself. I just need to get through these last months, and everything will eventually come to an end. I lived a good life. So why do I regret anything when I'm at my lowest? I've already made peace with my life.
I don't think true love is something everyone gets to experience. I would personally divide love into three types.
Body love:This is a love based on physical attraction. You feel a connection. You are attracted to each other, but you aren't connected on a deeper, emotional level. You attract each other, but even small incompatibilities can lead to cheating, arguments or even a breakup. You may still feel connected, but that connection exists mostly on a physical and mental level.
True soulmate: This is someone you're compatible with, as I described before. But you try to save the relationship even when difficulties arise. You try everything because you genuinely love the person and believe your connection exists on a soul level. I think this is only the outer part of the soul, though. Not its core.
True love: This is a feeling nobody can explain. Incompatibilities may arise, but they never become insurmountable problems. You feel the same conection on mind level and atraction to body, as true soulmate. You fit together so perfectly that even the smallest imperfections seem to fade in the presence of your love. You feel something burning inside you just by thinking about your other half. Your entire soul resonates when you meet her. And you always seem to know what to do together.
You can argue and even get angry with each other. But love makes you work through the difficult parts. You begin to see them as part of being in love. You can't stay angry with your other half for more than a day, and disagreements rarely become serious problems. You can always talk about them.
I think a whole lot of people find their body love. They are attracted to the body before the mind. True soulmates are attracted to the mind before the body. But true love comes from soul to soul, and it makes everything work out.
It's such a beautiful thing, but I never thought I would experience it. Yet I increasingly feel that the girl I loved resonated with me on a deeper, almost spiritual level. Maybe if I had tried sooner, things would have been different. Maybe love could have changed my life. But what can I do? I can't change the past. I can only thank my past self for bringing me to where I am now.
But before you can love someone else, you need to love yourself. Only then can you open yourself up to love.
We could say that there are different types of love, too. Love for friends, love for family. But I don't think they work as deeply as romantic love. I feel like the word love is used too abstractly, even though the feeling itself is so concrete.
"I love you, my friend." I think it's sweet, but not quite the same. You like your friends. You could say you love your family, but I don't think it's as strong as the love you feel for your partner. It's somewhere between liking and loving, but we don't have a separate word for it.
I feel like I don't need love. But I feel like I want it so much. And I miss it at the same time.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
But I won't hurt anyone by asking them to love me when I'm on my deathbed.
This is my love story.