Words have left me
I've got nothing more to say
Whenever I say I'm Hurting
They dismiss me
As if I'm playing a role
When I say I'm tired
Of all the pain and depression
They tell me it's all in my head
I never suffered
And had it easy
It's them who suffered
They call me names
Call me imbecile
Idiot, dumb, satan
And so many other hurtful
Words throughout so many years
Sometimes I defend myself
With tears in my eyes
Sometimes I just go quiet
As explaining and trying to make
Them understand only brought me
More pain...
When I open up about how empty I feel
To see my lifelong prayers crushed
And not accepted how I waited
And hoped and dreamed
They tell me God
Won't take care of me anymore
Not realising that this insecurity
I had in my own prayers
Was due to them
Always dismissing my feelings
My emotional pain
Always telling me God won't help me
Cause I am not an obedient child
I am not a perfect daughter
Always comparing me to others
Been going through this
Mental destruction and training
Since I was a kid
I'm tired of it all now
I mean it when I say I'm hurting
I mean it when I say I'm breaking down
I mean it when I say I'm dying inside
But they look at me as if I'm
A disgusting liar
And dismiss all my feelings
They don't see my pain
They don't care if I'm physically tired
And exhausted
I have to execute their every command
Even if it's making breathing for me
Harder and harder
They called me emotionally weak
And attention seeker
When they suddenly saw me
Having a panic attack
At that time
When I needed someone the most
They never gave me any emotional support
Whenever I ask for it
I'm making them mentally tired
I should be strong and give them
The emotional support they need
I should give them courage
As it's my role as the eldest daughter
But no one cares to give me
Emotional support
They say they fed me, clothed me,
Gave me education and so many things
And I don't do anything for them
I am baffled at how ungrateful they are
And how blind they can be
Making me question my own reality
And if everything I do is worth nothing
If my feelings are even real
Living in doubt with myself
Insecure because of their twisted words
Those to whom I told a bit of my pain
Who confessed their feelings for me
Told me they wouldn't leave me
Left me in the end
I don't believe in love
It's a beautiful lie
A twisted and beautiful poison
A curse where the one who's heart
Is true and pure gets
Torn apart mercilessly
Toyed with and dismissed
Taken for granted and destroyed
This accursed world isn't for
People with soft, pure hearts
It's for the twisted and two faced
Who act and pretend
Live lies and bend the truth
To their advantage
Everyone won't hesitate
To choose themselves first
To victimise themselves
To use each other
And seek their own advantages
And gains
They believe their lies
Their own words
They don't want to look at things
On deeper levels
Because of fear that their illusions
Would be destroyed
They fear suddenly regretting
Having to apologise and accept
That they made mistakes
And they were wrong
That is what most humans are like
Subconsciously
But once you see everything on
A deeper level
You wouldn't be able to unsee
You look at the world differently
Idiots go by the book
By what everyone believes is right
Being chickens that obediently
Lay golden eggs for society
Dismissing others' pain as fictional
While victimising themselves
Only caring about their own pain
And the pain of the ones they love
If my family really loved me
As they say
They wouldn't have dismissed my need
For emotional support
Since childhood
Or is it a common belief that
Eldest daughters don't feel any pain
And aren't supposed to get
Emotional support ?
I keep forgiving endlessly
Afterall they're my family
They've been through a lot
Emotionally, physically and mentally
I understand their words and behaviours
They need to vent their frustrations
On someone
And eldest daughters happen to be
Perfect for that role
When I open up to a few friends
About what I go through
And my pain
They read all my conversations
And make me feel guilty for seeking help
I was going crazy and
Always questioned my own feelings
They tell me my feelings ate wrong
I don't know what pain and sadness is
That I don't know what love and emotions
Are, that my heart is dirty
I needed someone to tell me
I'm not mad
I needed someone to tell me my feelings matter and that God hasn't forsaken me
That he sees my pain
And cares about me
It's hard to believe all that
When my nervous system
Was built and trained
To think that I am always wrong
And that God won't help me
Since early childhood
It's hard to re wire my brain
And heal
They don't even realise
The consequences of their hurtful words
And actions
And always blame me
Over and over again
Telling me I'm a liar
For telling a few people I trust
About how I feel and what I'm going through and asking for help
Making me constantly guilty
Leaving me questioning whatever
I feel... The pain being so much
That it gets physically painful
Breathing becomes harder
And heavier by each
Passing day
It's exhausting
I just wait for the angel of death now
I just want to die now
They say that people will think
I'm a burden
And I'm dumb when I open
Up to them and dismiss me
They made me scared
Of having friends
And being true and honest to them
So I shut down completely for a while
For fear I will be judged
I cut off ties with many
Whom they disapproved of
I was isolated for too long
Didn't talk to anyone
All alone
Became an actress
Actes happy and fine during the day
To gain my family's acknowledgement
And cried myself to sleep every night
They said and thought
I became more humane
When I was isolated
And when my phone was confiscated
I dived in books
To escape reality
I went numb and couldn't feel a thing
I just went with the flow
And surrendered myself to them
Cause they always say
That I'm a failure
And unsuccessful because
Of how disobedient I am
How rebellious I am
And because their hearts hurt
Because of me
But my heart constantly hurting because of them never really mattered
Yes I see other people move forward
In life while I stay at the same spot
Or regress backwards
All that made me really believe
That maybe God has forsaken me
And maybe my pain and feelings
Are wrong and doesn't matter
They say my brother is so successful
Because he's always sacrificed himself
For them while I always watched him
Get the emotional support
I never got
All the while they say they treat us the same but I have seen the differences
Loud and clear and when I
Point ir Out they say I'm not
Seeing well and I'm a liar
Who likes to play victim
And who's jealous
But never once was I jealous
Of my brother
I love him with all my heart
And enjoy cooking
And baking what he likes
Just an elder sister
With the heart of a mother
Bo matter who hurts me
Or how much, when they need
Emotional support
I give to them without a second thought
As I know what it feels like
To not have any
And don't wish to see anyone
Going through that lonely path
Full of thorns and pain
Knowing full well
How destructive that path is
But who will save me
And make me feel safe?
Who sees my pain and cares?
No one sees my good deeds
And only point out my mistakes
And praise others for their good deeds
I don't need to be praised Infront
Of people and criticised and dismissed
Privately, that's such hypocrisy
I don't sugar coat what I did wrong
And I don't praise myself either
Learnt to be overly humble
And silent all while destroying myself
By Replaying the hurtful words
Thrown at me to dismiss me
And actually believing them
Subconsciously
I'm tired of being used
While being so bruised
Don't think that I don't know
And I don't see when someone
Is trying to use me
I see it all but dismiss it all
Hoping that my kindness
Will one day touch their hearts
And they will reciprocate my honesty
And sincerity in full
But that's just a pipe dream
Always being painted as the villain
Now I'll pose for you to paint
I'll become a villainess
Though it's hard for me to
I shall become a monster
But I know that's just not me
But to protect myself
I have to swallow what's killing me
And try this thing called life again
All while not being able to unsee
The dark twisted reality of this world
I know my family love me and care
For me in their own ways
And as the eldest daughter
It's my role to swallow
My own pain and give them
Emotional support instead
I understand the pain they've been
Through, I saw it with my own eyes
The darkness of their pain
But I wish someone would understand me
Would see me for who I am
With all my flaws
And my traumas
And see how broken I really am
And still accept me and love me
For it all and give me the emotional
Support I always needed
But in this cruel world
Honesty, sincerity, humility,
Humbleness, kindness, softness,
True feminity, human emotions,
Love, consistency, responsibility
Towards one another,
Vulnerability and more
Are taken for granted
And as weaknesses
That's how accursed and brainwashed
We all became thanks to
The system the clowns
Of governments put in place