After a very pleasant night spent with my beloved (yes, I still call angels people, and while that term might be wrong for, say, cherubim, angels, as former humans, have every right to be called that! I speak as an angel!), I felt absolutely wonderful. And most importantly—the eternal self-reflection and the thoughts and conjectures swarming in my head had finally taken a backseat! They hadn't disappeared completely, but they were no longer tormenting my poor brain with their intrusive presence. So I'm sure I'll be able to get rid of this shit completely in the near future!
After kissing my sleeping angel on the top of her head, I made my way to the kitchen, prepared my usual breakfast, left a short note on the table, and headed outside. I wanted to fly a little around my dear Heaven before descending again into that boiling cauldron called Hell.
Damn, how I'd grown to love this place in just six months... And yet before, on the very first day I got here, I really felt danger from every resident of Heaven, afraid that the angels would seriously take me apart piece by piece, trying to figure out where their real Adam was... Ha, it's hard to believe, to be honest. Only six months, but it feels like years have passed...
Alright, indulging in nostalgia, just like laughing at my own, now past, fears, is all well and good. But right now, I just wanted to clear my mind and enjoy the flight, without spending hours mulling over every fucking problem of this universe.
The sun pleasantly warmed my wings, and the wind, due to my high speed, pleasantly tickled both my feathers and my face from my disheveled hair. Looking down, one could easily spot the happy, as always, faces of Heaven's inhabitants, many of whom, in turn, joyfully waved their hands at the golden-winged archangel who had protected Heaven for millennia.
While the first man, the first soul in Heaven, and the first to be honored with the title of Archangel, enjoyed his finally-found peace, in the space of absolute Darkness, legions of deceived cherubim, enslaved by Darkness, were already preparing, ready to avenge themselves, at the cost of their own lives, on the system they believed had "betrayed" them...
Have I already said that I adore Heaven? I know I have, but I'm not ashamed to repeat it. Because this place was beautiful. For a second, I even felt a sense of pity that those idiots who ended up in Hell would never be able to realize this, never be able to live in a place... I was about to say "so much like Heaven," but this is Heaven, heh...
Alright, the trip to Heaven for the "Hotel" residents is planned for a week or two after the Extermination, so I'll hope that I can still manage to find an approach for an easier redemption for my lost descendants. Otherwise, I'll have to risk their sinful asses and incinerate them with Light... which, all in all, wasn't very humane, in my opinion. Now, incinerating some Chikatilo—that's fucking great. But all sorts of losers who were led to it by a hard life or, even worse, propaganda from Eve... In short, I need to think and experiment. I remember in one of the episodes, they showed a teacher who ended up in Hell for killing her cheating husband? I think a couple of days of redemption at the hotel would be enough for her (for brainwashing), and after that, I could try to forcibly send her to Heaven. It might even work...
And no, I haven't returned to the times when I calmly cut and burned sinners, trying to figure out how to redeem them, and I haven't become more cruel. It's just that life in Hell wasn't all that great for people like that, and now I was absolutely confident in my skills and my control over the Light, so there shouldn't be any problems... probably...
So, my plan was to visit the Deadly Sins. But the reminder in my helmet had been beeping since morning, and I only noticed it now when I put the mask on. Well now, what did I have written down?
"Booze-up with Lucifer."
Aha, so my plans are changing a bit, aren't they? I got so lost in time with all these problems that I completely forgot about it. I honestly thought it would be tomorrow, but no, it's today. Well, okay. Airing my head out a bit more is a pretty good idea. Why not?
A snap of my fingers—and a golden, shimmering vortex opened up in front of me, leading straight to Hell. Lucifer and I hadn't agreed on an exact time, so first, I needed to call that duck lover. In the worst-case scenario, I'll fly to his daughter. It'd be interesting to see how the esteemed sinners have changed. And I also needed to remind that cheerful bunch about the trip to Heaven; it seems only Charlie knows about it... well, and Vaggie, I think, was passing by at that moment.
Okay, "contacts," "Lucifer," "call." It was nine in the morning, so he shouldn't be sleeping anymore. The ringing started and lasted for about fifteen seconds, after which the call was finally answered.
"Hello..." a familiar, but extremely tired, almost lifeless voice sounded from the other side.
"Mornin'. Didn't wake you?"
"No,"—followed by a long, loud yawn. "Did something happen?"
"Well, we were thinking of hitting a bar. But judging by your voice, you could use some sleep?" And why is he so sleepy? It's not like he had the same kind of crap to deal with as I did... wait. He only just returned to his duties. So, does that mean Lucifer is looking at documents right now?
"Oh!" Surprisingly, the Fallen Seraph's voice instantly had many more lively, cheerful notes. "To hell with sleep! We'll be right there!" After which, the line immediately went dead...
"We" as in who? And where are they coming? We didn't even agree on a meeting place...
Doot-doot-doot-doot, doot-doot-doot-doot!
As if in answer to my unasked questions, my phone started ringing. And it was, of course, Lucifer... I answered the call.
"Oh, uh, where are we going?" the clown's slightly embarrassed, almost guilty voice came through the receiver...
"I found a couple of interesting places here on your 'Hell Maps.' Let's go to 'Bar.' The rating is five inverted stars, and the reviews seem pretty good."
"Wait, wait, 'Bar' or 'Bar'?" the Lord of Hell asked.
"And what, exactly, is the difference?"
"Well, you named the rating, for specifics, sure, but we have about fifty bars named 'Bar'... at least, we did twenty years ago. Now, maybe even more. And only two of them had five stars. One is near a sex club, there's a parking lot nearby. And the second is in the residential quarters, and next to it is a flower shop," Lucifer explained his question. But how was I supposed to know from his first question which of these bars was "Bar" and which was "Bar"?
"According to the maps, there's a shopping center nearby. 'Flower shops' and whatnot don't last long in Hell, unlike sex clubs, so it's most likely the second option. If anything, I'll send you a photo of the view from the sky."
"Okay, we'll be there soon!"
"But..." I tried to ask "who the fuck is 'we'?" but fucking Lucifer hung up again! Oh, to hell with him.
Checking the same maps, I turned in the direction I needed and headed for the border of the cannibal district. Now, this is one of the many reasons to hate this place: it would seem, you ended up in Hell—so suffer. If you were a cannibal, then vicious imps should have been shoving algae and all sorts of grass down your throat for centuries, but no—here, there was a real, thriving cannibal district, whose residents, in all fucking seriousness, devoured any non-cannibals who came into their territory! Apparently, the current overlord of this district forbade such practices, but the cannibals didn't look any less happy for it, so they were still eating the same way, just finding their victims in some other way... Disgusting.
Hell was just as I remembered it—in almost every dark alley, some kind of brawl was happening between drunk or high sinners. The same kind of drunk or high idiots walked the streets, and they couldn't even dream of traffic rules here. Although there were laws about it, I personally asked Charlie, but the sinners had no intention of following them. This is what all the districts looked like that didn't belong to the Overlords, but were snatched up by various gangs or were simply "no man's land." On their own territories, the local "overlords" set their own rules, permitted or forbade certain things, like businesses. For example: in the cannibal district, there wasn't a single brothel or similar establishment, because their "overlord" forbade it. And if their "laws" were broken, they would personally punish the offender.
Taking a photo from a bird's-eye view, I sent it to Lucifer, receiving in response an emoji of a duck giving a thumbs-up... I resisted the urge to facepalm and landed right in the middle of the street. If Carmilla didn't need the trouble from meeting the "evil Adam who slaughters every year," then Lucifer could suffer a little. It's good for him.
Paying no attention whatsoever to the sinners who were gobsmacked by such audacity, I walked inside the establishment that proudly called itself "Bar," and saw the following scene: the place turned out to be much darker than I expected. The lighting—just a few dim lamps under the ceiling. The air was thick, smelling of alcohol, something burning, and something sweet, as if liqueur had recently been spilled on hot coals. Peculiar, but, in principle, not bad. Behind the counter stood a bartender with two pairs of arms, lazily wiping glasses and just as lazily keeping an eye on his few customers. He was wearing a vest, but no shirt, and his entire skin was covered in tattoos. All sorts of types sat at the tables. One had a smoking skull instead of a head, another's tail twitched on its own. Someone was playing cards, someone was arguing about something, and someone was just sleeping, face-down in an empty bottle. Someone was lying unconscious in the corner, apparently already plastered. Music came from an old gramophone, crackling a bit, but the melody was recognizable—something jazzy, with a dark, lazy rhythm. On the wall hung a sign: "No credit. Complaints—here," and a red arrow pointing to a nearby trash can.
Well, what can I say? I won't even compare this place to Heaven's bars, but it wasn't much inferior to human ones. It was perfectly worthy of five stars for Hell. Although, it was immediately clear that regular establishments here were increasingly losing out to those establishments where you could get laid. But I wasn't going to invite Lucifer to a sex club, was I? Even he wouldn't have understood that, and I'd have cringed myself. And remembering the various shippers from my past life... in short, fuck that, fuck that! I only recently got over the fact that people thought I, the great and beautiful, was fat! Fuck all that, I'll just pretend I never read anything like that on the internet in my past life. I'll be healthier for it.
It only took me a moment to survey the place. After which, the local patrons and the bartender finally paid attention to me. You should have seen the gobsmacked faces of these idiots! I immediately took a picture of them; thankfully, that function was always at hand in my helmet, and it only took a second to start recording or take a snapshot.
"Out, gentlemen. Otherwise, daddy will have to incinerate a couple of your sinful asses!" I said in the style of the old Adam, walking inside and heading straight for the bar counter. "But you stay. You'll be pouring us booze," I addressed the bartender, who was already trying to bolt, holding him in place with my Light while all the other patrons, yelping and cursing, ran outside. "Got it?"
"Crystal, sir!" the sinner immediately started bowing to me, whom I had finally released from my grip... oh, these sinners, with their prison etiquette... or feudal, hell if I know.
"There you are!" Lucifer's voice came from the entrance. "Well, that way of showing us the way was a bit excessive. We would have found you even without this crowd of sinners fleeing from here."
The Lord of Hell, in his usual white suit, with a cane and a hat, walked into the bar. And behind him was...
"Frederick?" I said the demon's name in surprise, after a second of looking at him. Standing behind Lucifer was the head of the von Eldritch family. He had dark skin, bright green, pointed teeth, and eyes with a yellow-green glow, which gave his face a sinister, yet charming smile. His hair was white, with pointed gray strands and black dots at the edges. On his head was a tall, stylish top hat, with tears stylized as the maws of some hellish monsters, and he wore a dark suit with wide lapels, emphasized shoulders, and a cravat.
"Uh, you know each other?" Lucifer glanced back and forth, shifting his gaze from me to his companion.
"..." I silently assumed my form of Baal, then remembered it would be better for the bartender not to see this, and immediately shielded him from us with a dense veil of Darkness.
"YOU?!?" A stunned Frederick immediately pointed his finger at me.
"You'll have to forgive me. I lost it that time..." I awkwardly scratched the back of my head, returning to my true form and removing the Darkness that was blocking the bartender's view of what was happening here. "I told you not to leave..." I say to that same bartender, who was now actively trying to open the back emergency exit.
Hearing my voice, the bartender froze halfway to the back door, slowly turning with an expression of pure terror frozen on his face.
Lucifer, appreciating the comedy of the situation, burst into loud, genuine laughter.
"Oh, Freddy, look at your face! So he's the 'Bastard-Scoundrel'?" the Lord of Hell laughed, wiping away a tear of mirth.
Frederick, still staring at me in shock, opened and closed his mouth several times but couldn't squeeze out a word. His aristocratic composure had cracked.
I sighed heavily and, taking a step forward, extended my hand.
"Frederick, you have to forgive me. I lost it that time," I said sincerely, dropping all the pathos. "Too much piled up, and... the circumstances that evening weren't the most pleasant."
Even if he and his wife couldn't raise their son properly, I really went too far that time—beating his wife and son was a clear overreaction, and I was ashamed of it.
The head of the von Eldritch family looked from my hand to my face for a few seconds, and then his tense shoulders relaxed. He slowly, almost warily, shook my hand.
"I... I understand," he finally said, coming to his senses. "Lucifer has already brought me up to speed. Told me how many problems are on your shoulders right now and how you're trying to sort everything out. And... he mentioned your recently awakened Darkness. I understand that also has an effect."
"Oh, so you already managed to tattle on me?" I turned to Lucifer with a smirk.
"You bet!" he snorted. "Someone had to explain to my advisor why some powerful demon Baal who came out of nowhere was acting like a capricious girl on her period. He especially laid into me when Baal was recognized as their son by all the Deadly Sins, even threatened to complain to Lilith about me! But I didn't say it was you, so I didn't reveal any secrets!"
All three of us laughed, and the tension finally dissipated. I motioned to a table in the corner, and we went over, settling into the creaky, but surprisingly comfortable, armchairs. The bartender, realizing he wasn't going to be killed today, hastily brought us three glasses and a bottle of something dark and thick, after which he evaporated behind his counter again.
"So, how are you guys?" I began, pouring the drinks. "You look, Lucy, like you haven't slept in a week."
"Because I haven't," he rubbed his eyes tiredly. "You can't imagine what a backlog has piled up here during the years of my... depression. Bills, contracts, complaints, reports from the Sins... My head is spinning. If it weren't for Freddy, I'd probably have gone insane by now. He's helping me dig through all this shit and advises me on issues I no longer understand a damn thing about."
Frederick just nodded modestly at that, taking a sip.
"My duty is to serve my king. Especially when he's finally decided to be one again, and not fill his throne room with tons of ducks..."
"A familiar feeling," I sighed, recalling recent events. "I've also been catastrophically short on rest time lately. And until recently, I was also driving myself crazy with constant thoughts about problems, playing out the worst-case scenarios in my head. So you, Lucifer, need to be careful with that. It's easy to slide back into apathy when so much piles up on you."
"Adam is right, Lucifer," Frederick supported me. "Your mental health is the key to the stability of all of Hell. You shouldn't neglect it."
We chatted for a while longer on various topics: discussed the latest idiotic trends in the human world, complained about the bureaucracy in our respective worlds, and
simply enjoyed the moment of calm. In this atmosphere, old grudges seemed petty and insignificant. I felt that between the three of us—an Archangel, a Fallen one, and a powerful Demon—something like real, male comradeship was being born.
"Listen, Lucifer," I began, deciding to move on to a more serious topic. "Have you thought about meeting with Lilith?"
The King of Hell darkened and looked away.
"I... I wouldn't want to bother her. She's resting. After everything that happened... she deserves peace."
"Peace?" Frederick interjected sharply, a slight offense and even anger in his voice. "Lucifer, with all due respect, but those are thoughts unworthy of a king! The enemy is literally at our gates! If Eve decides on a full-scale invasion, her strike will fall not only on Heaven, but on Hell as well! And in that hour, every sword will count! I will personally lead my legions into battle, and my wife will fight beside me! And you speak of rest? The Queen of Hell has rested enough over the years."
I mentally marveled. This was a true aristocrat, a leader of his people. Not just a pompous turkey, but a warrior ready to take responsibility. If all people were like that, the feudal system wouldn't have been such a bad solution. Too bad people aren't perfect.
Lucifer flinched at Frederick's words, as if he'd been slapped. He looked up at me, and I saw in his eyes not offense, but a returned resolve.
"You're right. You're both right," he said firmly. "I'll talk to her, but there's a problem. Because of the barriers, I can't get into Heaven, and I don't know where exactly she's resting."
I smirked.
"Consider that no longer a problem. I'll talk to the Seraphim about it. I think we can make a small exception for an ally in the coming war. And I definitely know the island where she's living now; I settled her there myself, after all."
And that's how we spent that evening. Over a bottle of hell-booze, in a smoke-filled bar on the edge of the cannibal district. We had a great talk, truly relaxed, and, most importantly, resolved old grudges. I looked at these two—at the tired, but resolute King of Hell and his loyal ally—and I understood that in the coming battle, I wouldn't be alone. And that gave me hope that the other Deadly Sins also had at least a fraction of the sincere loyalty that resided in Frederick von Eldritch.