I slowly opened the door, I had not anticipated to invite him to my home anytime soon but.....today I wanted to pour out my sincerity to him, my home was barely lit and a few clothes were here and there but apart from that I could say it wasn't messy, I looked back at him dragging along behind me , a slight hint of hesitation in his eyes which I understood , I had been too closed up in my own private space , not letting anyone in and I had somewhat drilled that into him, I softly grabbed hold of his hand then I intertwined it with mine, eventhough we had just coldly kissed passionately in the hall way, he was still flustered by us just holding hands, it was.....cute, his cheeks and neck had turned bright red and I couldn't help but find it amusing.
I led him to my bed and sat him down, pulling him down by his shoulders , he was surprised as I just stood there looking at him , my eyes not wavering from him as he awkwardly tried to avoid eye contact but failed miserably untill he sighed helplessly, a trace of frustration lacing through, " don't...don't look at me like that.....it doesn't something to me", though he didn't look at me , his voice subtle and shameless ran through and for some reason, thoughts, dirty thoughts that barely crossed my mind resurfaced and came into view and I could subsequently just back away as I could feel my body heat up at the unholy thoughts in my mind, he seemed to have noticed my sudden withdrawal as his lips comformed into a knowing smirk as if to taunt me, he tilted his head slightly , his eyes not straying from mine , something unknown flickered through , he leaned in back a little , his hands face palmed on my bed, " what are you thinking Rhea.....are you trying to seduce me because you know I am hopelessly in love with you...", I could feel my heart thump against my chest, all I could do was to look at him, when I am with him everything just seemed light, easy and...possible.
Just registering in my mind , he had said he was hopelessly in love with me, I bit my lower lip and a sudden seed of doubt began to sprout within, if I told him everything about me, I wondered what he would say. How will he react?, though I trusted Denver so much , I was still scared of the " what if's", he seemd to notice how lost I seemed, that taunting flirtatious gaze gradually disappeared and was replaced with that of warmth and softness and before I knew it he had pulled me down by my wrist to sit next to him , his hand holding mine and a sudden sense of peace sprouted through dissipating every doubt, we both sat in silence, his hamd still on mine , hough rough it was still comforting, he didn't ask me what was wrong he just patiently and silently sat by my side , it was like he was waiting for me , ready to listen yo whatever I had to say.
" I like it...", I didn't know when the words came out but to meit seemed like my own voice sounded unfamiliar, Denver gently turned to me, his hand still on mine as his warmth seemed through, I continued, " I like this warmth, this comfort, I like the way you call my name , i like when you hold me and I like the way you smell....", I spoke deciding not to hide anything anymore , the room was too quiet and eventhough the blinds were closed I could easily tell that it was dark , he looked at me, his eyes full of affection, I had always wondered how someone could like someone this much , " I like everything you do to me.....and I want it to last for a very long time....that is why....", I sat up as I gently removed his hand from mine instantly loosing that warmth, "I want to bare it all to you.....", I could see that slight flicker of hurt on his face when I had pulled my hand from his but...that warm embrace I felt, I was scared it will turn cold, and there I sighed softly as I started the tale of unfortunate events, the story of how I had met Denver and Diah.
" We met at a convenience store, both struggling writers that would do anything to succeed, we still had so much to learn , after running away from the house at eighteen , I had this delusion that I was talented, maybe because of my book had good reviews , maybe that was what gave me the confidence but...once I stepped into the field , I was judged for it, I was told I lacked something..., I was rejected so many times that I had lost count.
Denver eyes were on my face but I didn't meet his gaze instead I bent my head, averting his gaze, staring at my past just infront of me, it felt.....suffocating , I bit the inside of my lower lip, I was scared to continue , I was far from righteous that I knew, I could stand the judgement of other people even God himself but if Denver looked at me that way....I didn't know what I would do , I choked up , I sincerely didn't want to continue , I wanted to stop here but...if I do that, I slowly looked up at him and his eyes finally met mine , something undefined, encouraging maybe , though it didn't show in his face but you could easily tell that he was ready if I was ready.
" You don't have to do this .....,if you aren't ready Rhea ", he softly saud, we seemed closer , our hands inches away from touching , I shook my head , I bent my head down, his chest visibly rising and I could see myself unconsciously copy his breathing technique, how quiet and how soft his breathing was, it was calming, I finally had the courage to continue.
" After realising that life was just a dream and my dream was just a dram, I settled for reality, I started doing part time jobs , I worked at a convenience store from eight in the morning till six in the evening, seven in the evening till midnight , I was washing dishes at a restaurant or serving drinks at a local bar, it was an endless cycle, the life I never wanted to live, the life I had ran away from , it seemed I went into a deeper hole , it was.....disgusting ", I could feel myself choke on the word " disgusting", i didn't still look at Denver, " at that time I wondered...why me?, what did I ever do to deserve this, everyone was moving forward while I just sank lower , eventhough it was selfish, I just wanted to see someone suffer in my sake situation ,.....as wicked as it was I wanted , I elated me and someone else to be in the same situation ", I clenched my fist..., I was disgusted with myself , I couldn't look at Denver , I was wondering what he was thinking about me , I continued, " it seemed the heavens listened to that one selfish wish....and that was when I met Diah , when we both worked shifts at the convenience store,.....at first it was just simple greetings, then small talks and then we became friends. Diah had ran away from home at the age of sixteen and had been living on her own ever since....., it turned out she also loved writing but just like me.....she had been rejected several times , her situation was worse than mine , she was physically and mentally abused , her parents were cruel , she had deep scars on her arm then that I had seen by mistake when we changed in the bathroom....back then she covered them wearing long sleeves , I had only seen her arm but...I could just imagine her whole body , she didnt have to tell me anything because...I knew what it was ", my voice faltered when I had said the last line and then I scoffed, it was unexpected, " I knew what it was...", I repeated feeling my eyes begin to cloud, it was immediate not giving me anytime to suppress it and then that hot trace, that slithering trail , this was annoying, why was I....before I knew it I felt a soft embrace , my head resting on the hard, toned crevices of Denvers stomach who was no longer sitting beside me, when had he stood up?, I felt his fingers gently grazing me by my hair barely making contact but I could feel it, his careful attempt and his long fingers on strands of my hair, we didnt speak as I silently melted in his warmth but...the tears kept rolling down and I sincerely wondered when it would stop.