Sabuko stood up in his ninja uniform.
In front of him, his parents from his old life were crying over his old body's corpse.
'See, now I know it's a dream.' Sabuko blinked at the scene. 'Crying over me like you actually care.'
He chuckled and looked around.
'Are there cameras somewhere?' He looked back at his parents. 'Nice performance you're putting on.'
They kept crying, his blood pooling around their feet.
His father said nothing. He just hid his face in his palms.
'...'
"My baby," his mother whispered. "My baby..."
Sabuko stepped forward and knelt beside her.
'Your fat fuck of a baby,' Sabuko said.
"My baby..." she repeated through her sobs. "I'm..."
"I'm so sorry... please, God." She looked up at the sky. "Please tell me it was quick... please tell me my baby didn't suffer..."
Sabuko watched her for a few seconds, then sighed.
'C'mon. This is embarrassing. Stop it. I think the bystanders are convinced you're actually sad by now. You're the one who booted me, remember?'
But she kept crying, snot running from her nose.
'C'mon, it's actually funny to you, isn't it? Your perverted trash of a son got what he deserved.'
She kept weeping.
"It's all my fault...! I'm sorry... my baby...!"
'Yeah, of course it isn't. I'm just joking.' Sabuko shook his head. 'Your son killed himself, after all. There's no way all of it's fake. Even if I was... still a freak.'
She kept crying.
'Well, either way. I'm okay now.' He rested a hand on her shoulder. '...And yeah.'
He paused.
'Don't worry about it. It really was quick.'
She kept crying, but quieter now.
'I fell headfirst, so I basically didn't feel anything.'
Her lips trembled.
'I'm in an anime world now, and things are actually looking up... The main guy there's a friend of mine, if you can believ— pfft. Believe it.'
She looked at him, smiling through her tears.
"I'm so happy..."
Sabuko flinched.
"Goodbye... my beautiful baby..."
---------- AWAKENING ----------
"Mom...?" Sabuko mumbled as he woke up.
"Eh, not quite," came a familiar, lazy voice beside him. "She was asking about you, though."
Sabuko looked right. Left. Up.
Fluorescent lights overhead, a comfortable bed. And, unmistakably, Kakashi, sitting in a chair beside him and reading his Make-Out Paradise novel.
"Oh." Sabuko blinked. "You're back from the Land of Waves?"
"Yeah." He sighed without looking up. "That place was something else."
"Looks like we both had it rough, Sabuko..."
"Haaah, tell me about it, Kakashi..."
"—kun."
"—sensei."
They both looked away again.
'Man, this is awkward,' they thought at the same time.
Then Sabuko looked back at Kakashi.
"What happened while I was out? And how long was I out?"
Kakashi looked up at the ceiling. "A fair bit. I'm told you've been out for a day, and I'm supposed to debrief you once you're awake. Up for it? I'll fill you in on what happened, too."
"Yeah." Sabuko sighed. "Let's get it over with."
---------- A FEW MINUTES LATER ----------
"I swear, Guy amazes me sometimes..." Kakashi sighed, shaking his head.
Then he looked over at Sabuko.
'To think he killed someone while we were gone,' Kakashi thought. 'Alone, even. And he survived, stayed this clearheaded, and finished his mission without a single breakdown, from what I've heard.'
Kakashi's eye narrowed slightly.
'Is he just good at bottling it up? Or is he more mature than he lets on?'
"Well," Kakashi exhaled, turning back to his novel, "you did good. I'll report back to the Hokage, and then we'll see what happens with you."
"..."
"..."
"Why're you still here?" Sabuko asked.
"Finishing a scene," Kakashi said, flipping a page. "Just got to the good part."
'Lazing around, more like,' Sabuko deadpanned.
'That dumbass book.' He raised an eyebrow. 'Who even reads novels when they're in the mood? Illustrations are where it's at.'
Kakashi flinched.
'...For some reason, this kid suddenly annoys me greatly,' Kakashi thought, his eye twitching.
"Ah." Kakashi glanced at the ceiling, then set a pouch down beside Sabuko's bed. "Your mission pay. From Lord Hokage."
Sabuko smirked at it with a sigh.
"Finally, some money."
Silence.
Sabuko's mind drifted back to Guy standing between him and his father.
"Man, you all suck at being ninjas, I swear to god." He let out a chuckle.
"...More jōnin slander, I take it?" Kakashi glanced up from his book.
"It's true." Sabuko's voice was quieter now.
"Hm...?" Kakashi watched as Sabuko rolled over to face the other way.
So it's only fair that I get angry on your behalf now!
"Stupid, straightforward... Loud. Fuck kinda ninja does that..?" A sniffle. "This world really is some cartoon come to life, huh. You're all just a bunch of stupid characters in a cartoon!"
His voice wavered. "You... you failures..."
Kakashi's visible eye curved upward as he smiled beneath his mask.
"Well," Kakashi said, his voice a little lower, "isn't that kind of stupid nice every now and then? Especially since we're the ones being stupid?"
Sabuko curled tighter into himself, his face hidden.
"...Shut up, one-eye," Sabuko mumbled, his body trembling slightly beneath the hospital blanket. "Shut up... shut up..." His voice trailed off.
'He's finally acting like a kid, huh?' Kakashi thought with a smile, his shoulders loosening. 'Guess I was worried for nothing.'
---------- A FEW HOURS LATER ----------
"...And that's what happened, according to Sabuko-kun, Lord Hokage," Kakashi concluded, standing before Hiruzen in his office.
Hiruzen nodded.
"..."
He tapped his fingers on the desk.
"Kakashi." He looked up. "What I'm about to tell you stays between us."
'Hm?' Kakashi blinked. 'His tone changed.'
"While you were debriefing Sabuko, I read the ANBU report. They've finished questioning the surviving Mist ninja and examining everything he was carrying."
Hiruzen looked at him steadily.
"Just to be sure: did Sabuko tell you he drank an antidote after he was poisoned? And do you believe him?"
'What an odd question.'
Kakashi scratched his head.
"Yeah. No reason to doubt it." He shrugged. "The needle mark on his wrist has faded, but the stab wound on his foot and the cut on his back are still very much there. I haven't read the report myself, but I assume their weapons were poisoned?"
"Except for the sword that cut his back, yes," Hiruzen replied flatly. "Unless you take a very specific antidote shortly after, you're paralyzed, and then you die soon after."
"Well, I guess that settles it," Kakashi sighed. "We should all be grateful Sabuko-kun kept a cool enough head to look for an antidote. The only thing I don't get is why he said it hurt so much—"
"However," the Hokage cut in.
"No such antidote was found on either of them."
'!!!' Kakashi's eye widened. "What...?"
"All they had," Hiruzen said, sliding the report across the desk toward him, "were soldier pills and a few small vials of plain water, labeled as antidotes. They use them to trick their victims into thinking they're saved, so they lower their guard."
Kakashi stepped forward and picked up the report.
"Under questioning, he said carrying the real antidote would make them vulnerable." Hiruzen looked out the window.
"So when Sabuko drank what he thought was the antidote, the Mist ninja knew it was just water. He bided his time, waiting for the boy's body to give out."
"But Sabuko never collapsed."
"Then...?" Kakashi swallowed.
Hiruzen nodded and set down his pipe.
"His abnormal recovery after repeatedly draining his chakra to train his ninjutsu at the Academy. Not a trace of internal damage when there should have been some. And now his body purging poison on its own... at the cost of searing, unbearable pain..."
"I'm certain of it now." Hiruzen's tone turned firmer.
"That boy has a kekkei genkai."