"Leave. Leave the palace and never come back." His voice sounded…familiar…Who's he? I looked up to see him on the throne, but his face was a blur. Were my memories getting fuzzy again? I can't remember who…
"Please, Your Highness." I whipped my head to the left. There she was, on her knees too, bowing and pleading with the person on the throne. Why am I here? Why am I on my knees in the first place? Where is this place?
Her face was blurry, too. I couldn't make out any of her features. But…I had a feeling that those two were people I had known for a very long time.
Why can't I remember?
"No. Take your child and leave. You are banished from this palace forever and are to never return! What you did was unforgivable." His tone was cold and harsh.
Your child?
Was I her child?
I turned to the woman.
I don't ever remember being anyone's child.
No.
I couldn't just come forth to being.
Where am I?
Who am I?
"He is your child, too! You must at least care for him, Your Highness!!" She begged.
Am I his child too?
My gaze drifted to the man on the throne. Beside him were another woman and a young boy. They were both snickering at our pitiful plight. How cruel. They looked down at us with a victorious gaze. I felt an undeniable fury burn within me.
"No. This child is not mine. A son of a monster is no child of mine." His eyes narrowed, expression unchanging. Cold monster. He was a cold monster. And yet, despite never smiling, he somehow attracted another woman and had a son with her. How interesting.
"I see." The woman beside me smiled bitterly as she rose. "Let's go, Ace," She smiled warmly at me, holding my small hand. As we walked toward the two large doors, she stopped one last time and said, "Xavier, if you're going to forget all that we had, then so be it. But if you're going to keep believing that woman, your Kingdom will only fall apart."
That was a name I have never heard her call him. Wasn't his name His Majesty Arthur?
She then turned to me and smiled once more, "Let's go, Ace, down the path of freedom."
Ah, I remember now.
My mother, Elysia Serika, was a kind and gentle person from a prestigious family. But surprisingly, I do not have many relatives from her side of the family. She was perfect. Both as a wife and mother, she carried out her duties well. But my father, overcome by lust, left my mother gradually, or rather, kicked her aside.
Mother overcame my grief, cried all night and day, but never in front of me. It was only many years later that I realised why I had not grasped their situation until Father accused her of using black magic, or rather, he specifically used the term Umbralis on his lover.
That is strange. Because there is no Umbralis on Earth. Only black magic. Or curses. Why did Father say Umbralis then? There is no point in thinking about it. The past is still the past.
But I still remember that night…
"Mom, are you alright?" I handed her yet another box of tissues.
"I'm fine, dear, I'm really fine." She smiled that warm smile she always gave me. She wasn't forcing it, though. Every time she gave me that smile, she hugged me, as if reminding me that no matter what we face, she'll always love me.
"But, Mom, you don't…" My voice trailed off. I didn't want to see her even more heartbroken than she already was.
"Ace," She pulled me closer. "There, there." She stroked my head tenderly. "Come, pour your heart out to me, Ace. I know your heart is aching." She smiled faintly, but sadness lingered in her eyes.
How did she…?
I smiled painfully. Of course she knew. She always did. She is my mother after all.
But before I knew it, tears flowed down like a never-ending waterfall.
It has been quite a long time since I last cried like this.
"Mom?"
"Yes, dear?"
"Will we always be like this? Happy with just the two of us?" I asked.
Her smile faltered slightly. But now, looking back, I could see it clearly. "I don't know," She replied honestly, still smiling. "But we will have to be happy, right?"
My younger self had already lost interest in Mom and was playing with some plane toys.
I had only vaguely heard her ask me at that time. Maybe because I wasn't really listening at that time. She had avoided my question. Instead, she said that we would have to be happy as if there were no choice.
She laughed at my younger self, clumsily stumbling on a pile of toys.
We all looked so…happy then.
Then she said something that I had never heard her say before.
"Ace," She whispered, mostly to herself. "You're going to have to forgive me, forgive me for whatever I do tomorrow and the days after. Because by then, I am no longer…me."
Then—
She looked straight at me—
What?
"My, you have grown to look more like…us…" She smiled gently at me.
What?
How?
I glanced at my form. I was Alistair Nightfall, and I looked neither like Mother nor Father in this form. What is she saying?
"Mom, who are you talking to?" My younger self nudged her.
"No one, Ace." She picked up one of the toy buses and sang, "The wheels of the bus go round and round…"
"Round and round, round and round~~" My younger self continued.
And just before I left this moment—
She looked at me one last time.
And in that very moment, her eyes—
They sparkled like the stars.
Full of Love.
Yet full of regret.
It was as if she was regretting something she didn't dare tell.
Mother…
Just what secrets do you hide?
That was the last time I saw her.
My kind, gentle Mother.
The scene distorted into the second day…
"SLAAAAAAP!!!"
It was numb at first, then the fiery pain shot up my—no, his cheek as he fell to the ground. The burning pain lingered on his cheek, Alistair's cheek, the redness spreading.
"I should have never given birth to you, never!!!! Do you know?" She growled. "Do you know how much I despise you?!!! You and that man have only been causing problems for me!!!"
What was I feeling?
Was I feeling…sad?
I haven't been feeling that in a long time.
"Eh? What? What is this?" I touched my face. "Am I…crying?"
Am I…sad?
What am I feeling?
"Is this…sadness?" I touched my heart.
"Mom…why?" His voice trembled as he asked.
"Shut up, child!! No one wants you, anyway!!!! Even His Majesty didn't compensate us after using my body to make you. Don't call me Mom ever again! I am not your 'Mom'!!!!! Address me properly!! Damn it! Damn it all! Damn that woman!" She shouted.
That woman?
Was she really different from the woman I saw just now?
They indeed sound like two completely different people.
But…they look the same.
"Yes, Mother," I mumbled.
A pang of pain overwhelmed my heart.
Why?
My emotions…they were supposed to be sealed.
So why?
This is too much for me.
Too much pain.
"Where are your manners, boy? Did I not teach you anything?!!" She roared and raised her hand.
"SLAAAAAAAP!!!!!"
Her hand hit me for the second time. My heart ached more this time. There was a sour feeling there. It felt…extremely painful. I rubbed my chest for the second time today.
Tears rushed down my face again.
I could feel everything he was feeling.
Every slap, every drop of tears, every feeling of pain—I could feel it.
"Sorry, I'm sorry, Mother, I won't do it again—"
"Oh, shut up!!!" She raised her hand and slapped me again.
My face stung, then felt numb. I couldn't feel her slap any longer, but…the tears wouldn't stop flowing down.
Why?
What is this feeling?
Or rather…
Why am I feeling this?
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mother! Please forgive me, Mother! I'm sorry!!" He begged.
"Shut up, bitch!!! I never wanted you anyway!!!!" She slapped me again and again.
And each time,
I felt a hollow emptiness.
It was at that time that I realised…
I was alone.
The scene shifted again.
I was back at that place.
The old cottage house we used to live in. The four of us were happy with whatever we had. Each day was a happy one, full of new excitements and surprises. I even cooked with Ella quite a few times.
It was…perfect. Old, and crusty maybe, but perfect. I walked through it once more, the floorboards creaking under every step I made, but I didn't mind it at all. I looked at all the old pictures Mom hung around the room. They were all happy pictures.
The further I walked into the house, the darker it got, even though sunlight seeped through the windows in the living room.
Then—
I saw two familiar shadows near the kitchen.
"Dad! Mom!" I exclaimed as I hugged them both. "Thank goodness you two are safe!! Where's Ella—?"
The two of them turned.
"Mom? Dad?" I stepped back in shock.
There was a knife buried deep in her abdomen, and blood had soaked through her clothes completely. Blood was seeping down her mouth, and her lips were dried and cracked.
A jagged piece of glass jutted out from Dad's chest where his heart should have been. Fresh, crimson blood was trickling down the piece of glass, staining the floor red.
But something was wrong.
I took another step back.
Their eyes—
They were empty.
Completely hollow and dark.
They approached me, their movements unsteady, like zombies.
"Mom? Dad?" I asked again, taking steps back. "It's me, Kawa, your son, remember?"
"Kawa…" Mom paused for a moment and muttered. Her voice was unnaturally hoarse.
"Kawa…" Dad repeated.
"Yeah, it's me, Kawa! I have returned from buying—"
Dad cut me off. "Kawa, why weren't you here when we needed you?"
"Why didn't you save us?" Mom questioned.
"B–because I was buying—"
"How can you still live peacefully despite knowing that someone killed us?" Dad asked again.
"Do you truly think you can enjoy your life while we die discontented?" Mom asked.
"Don't forget that you couldn't save them." A voice came from behind me.
I turned around to see—
Me?
My thirteen-year-old self.
"You spent three years after you returned living with them, and yet, in the end, you couldn't repay a simple act of kindness by saving them," He said cruelly. "You couldn't save them, Alistair. No matter who you are right now, and what you're doing, this fact will not change. You couldn't save them."
"No—I tried—I tried, she said, to save Ella instead—!" I tried to explain.
"You have no right," He pointed back at Mom and Dad. They were now lying on the ground. Dead. "To be happy with the new life you have. Whether it's school, Kaori, Ella, or even Jasper, Tyler, Artemis, Crystal, Ethan, Frederick, or Pax. You have no right. You don't deserve to be happy."
"No no no no no!!!" I dropped to my knees, covering my mouth. "Mom? Dad?" I touched their faces, but they wouldn't respond. They were dead, again. And I just couldn't accept that.
"No," Tears streamed down my face. "Don't go, not again," I cried.
"Don't go…" My voice was barely a whisper.
"You tried to use your own parents' death to help you act," He leaned over my shoulder. "To feel the grief again. What a wonderful son you are!!" He clapped sarcastically. "What kind of son are you, really?"
"Brother,"
I looked up to see—
Ella.
"Why didn't you save them?" She asked.
"Ella, because I—" I tried to explain again.
"Then why didn't you avenge them?" She asked.
"I—I——"
Ella then dissipated into ash.
"NO!!!!!" I screamed, holding her ashes. "Not you too," I whispered. "WHAT DID YOU DO?!!!" I glared at him.
"Nothing," He smiled. "You must simply understand that I am you, and you are me."
"But I think you have noticed by now, Alistair," He smirked. "Those close to you tend to…disappear."
"No, no, no!!!" I pulled my hair.
Too much.
Too much sadness.
Too much grief.
Too much pain.
"Is this how you repay them? Is this how you show your love for them?" He asked. "By making them…disappear?"
"No!!!" I looked down at my hands in despair.
"No…this can't be true…" I whispered.
This cannot be.
This just cannot be.
This is too much.
I can't—I can't take it any longer—my heart—it's about to——
"Poor child," A voice came from above.
A hand from above tore open the dream and picked me up.
"What is this sorcery?!!" He stomped his feet. "I am not done with him!!!"
I know I can't take this any longer.
I look dishevelled.
I have broken.
~~~~~~~~~~
"How long are you going to stare at your tea?" Valtheris asked.
"..."
"It's going to get cold, child." He took a sip from his own cup.
"..."
"I have never seen you in this state before," He muttered. "I cannot fathom what you have gone through. It must have been bad. You are lucky I managed to save you before he could say anything more, kid."
"..."
"How long are you going to drown yourself in grief?" He took his glasses from the table and put them on, appearing to study my chest.
"What are you doing?" I finally asked.
"So you do have a voice," He chuckled, then his face turned serious. "So my speculations were right…"
"What is it?"
Valtheris put away his glasses and sighed. "As I thought, you have reached your breaking point. The seal Project Atlas placed has partially broken, thus releasing your emotions. In the process, since the seal was placed around your core, your core has cracked."
"No…" I tugged at my hair. "Does this mean I can't perform spells again?"
"Yes," Valtheris confirmed. "But there is a way to solve it."
"We can place another seal over Project Atlas' seal and your astral core. This will allow your astral core to temporarily perform its function, although cracked. The double seals will also prevent most astralis from seeping out of your body. But keep in mind that this seal will erase all emotions from you. Do keep in mind that this is only a temporary solution and you will only have a little over two years to live and find the permanent solution, which I will tell you later," Valtheris said. "Is that fine with you?"
"Yes."
"Give it a little more thought, Alistair. We have quite some time. If you don't do this, you won't be able to perform spells, but——" Valtheris persuaded.
"There is no need."
"Come on, Alistair, give it some thought. Won't it be better if you had emotions, though? You could make friends, even…" Valtheris tried to convince me, but I wasn't listening.
Society teaches us that our emotions have intrinsic value, that if we hurt enough, the universe will eventually compensate us.
It is a pathetic lie.
Your sadness doesn't change the laws of physics, and your grief won't slow down the clock by a single second. The world continues to turn, stepping over the bodies of those who sat down to weep.
I look at those around me, desperately searching for true friends or soulmates. They want to find someone who understands them. But how can anyone understand you when you don't even understand the chemical impulses driving your own despair?
You are alone in your head. You always have been. If you want to survive, you have to stop looking for a hand to hold. Accept the coldness you feel isn't a problem to be solved. It is the natural temperature of existence.
Once you stop expecting the world to care, the weight of your own sadness might just…disappear. Not because the pain is gone, but because you finally realised it is irrelevant.
"It might hurt a little more than you imagine," Valtheris warned.
"Valtheris," I sighed. "The way I am right now, I doubt I'll feel anything."
"If you say so," Valtheris smiled knowingly.
"Seal," He commanded, and a scroll appeared in his hand. "Here, and take off your shirt." He placed it in my hand instead.
"Now take a deep breath and close your eyes."
I did as I was told.
"Open the scroll and make sure the seal is pressing against your chest. Now imagine the seal slowly coming off the paper and entering your body to your astral core. And when it reaches, it will do its job."
I imagined.
I thought of that black magic circle coming off the paper. This magic circle was drawn in detail from what I saw earlier. There are so many curves and patterns. Is it possible to replicate it when I get back? I might go blind just from drawing it. Each pattern is a hundred times smaller than a copper coin.
I could feel the seal already entering my body and nearing my astral core. It felt more like those temporary tattoos back on Earth, where you sprinkle some water on them and press them hard on your skin. Then miraculously, they come off the plastic and stick to your skin.
Mom used to do those fake butterfly tattoos with me all the time…before she was no longer her. But it was fun! The times we had together were fun. I miss the times when being loved was…
"Aah," I groaned as the seal slowly pasted itself on my astral core like a band-aid. It was a hot, searing pain that slowly spread throughout my whole astral core.
"I told you it would hurt." Valtheris tilted his head, smiling tenderly. Almost like a father watching his son do something he had told him exactly not to do and was now facing the consequences.
"I'm fine," I said. "I won't feel anything now anyway."
"That's good." He scooted over, still smiling, studying my face.
"Is something wrong?" I asked.
"No," He replied. "You…"
"You?"
"...You look a lot like her…" He smiled.
I waited for him to explain.
"Someone I used to know," He said hastily.
"Now, the permanent solution," I said.
"Oh, right." Valtheris rubbed his head. "Love."
"What?"
I wasn't sure if I had heard him correctly. It was either that I had heard it wrong, or Valtheris had finally lost his marbles.
"The permanent solution is love," He repeated.
Ok, I hereby declare that Valtheris has lost it.
"Come again? How exactly does 'love' help me?"
"You have lost too many loved ones in both lives, no?" Valtheris asked.
He sure knows everything.
"Then surely you must understand that for your astral core to heal again, you need to feel what being loved feels like again," He continued. "Romantically, familiarly, it doesn't matter. As long as you can feel loved again, and by the one you want to feel loved by, your astral core should heal up. If not, you would be pretty much trash in everything." He sighed, "Your standards are too high for yourself."
"There is no other way?"
"Nope!" He shook his head. "The lack of love is what instigated this problem, and so only love can be the solution."
"..."
His explanation seems logical. But more importantly, I want to go back as soon as possible to copy down that magic circle while my memory is still fresh.
"And remember, you shouldn't use so many of the Celestblade spells. Celestblades are violent. It strains your astral core too much."
"I understand."
"You must be tired, boy." He rested his hand on my head.
"Wha—"
"Shh," He smiled. "Go to sleep now. Dawn will only come when you have sufficient rest. I have made the night longer for you."
"Wai—"
My eyelids were heavy now.
What did he do?
And reluctantly, I finally went back to sleep.
VALTHERIS'S POV:
"Alistair Nightfall…" I sat lazily on my throne, gazing into the glass ball. There he was, sleeping peacefully. "If only you had chosen me. You have no idea how much I love you."
A portrait of a beautiful woman who had eyes as blue as the oceans and hair as white as snow lay on the table beside the glass ball. In the picture, she laughed gently as she held a small daisy her lover had given her at that time, the wind blowing softly against her face.
Even among the goddesses, she was the prettiest of them all.
She could have chosen anyone easily.
And yet, the one she chose was human.
Picking up the portrait of my daughter, I smiled lovingly at Alistair. "After all, you remind me of…her."
"Are you still looking at him?"
I turned to see him, hiding in the shadows of my palace. His face was obscured, but I still knew it was him. He stepped forward, but I still couldn't see him properly. He was doing this on purpose.
"You…" I muttered.
Why would he show up here of all places?
"Not just him," I answered. "Her too."
"Why? Why do you keep looking at him?" He asked.
"He is your son after all," I replied softly. "You should take some time to actually see him. You are his biological father, and yet, you two have never met before. As fate would have it, he ended up with the name you two chose and the house you are from. Interesting, no?"
"Fate is an interesting thing," He mused. "But of course, it was simply an unavoidable outcome. After all, I named him…" He cut himself off, his lips curling up into a knowing smile. Then, he sighed softly, "You're not angry? After what I have done to her?"
"You didn't do anything to her. It is not your fault. I watched over you while you were in Aetherion. She simply misunderstood," I sighed softly.
"What would she say…if she knew our son was…" He paused. "...like this because of us?" He said carefully.
I tilted my head and laughed, "She would probably hit your head and lament that if she knew, she would have never gone to that world with you."
"You're right." He laughed too.
"Do you still love her?" I couldn't help but ask. "After all, it has been fifteen years."
There was a pause.
"Yes," He smiled. "Very much so."
"If only she were here to hear that." I smiled too.
"Yeah…she should be here…"
My expression turned serious. "Xavier, no, what are you going to do?"
"It is nothing you should be mindful about," He smirked.
"No, Xavier, you can't!!" I leapt out of my throne and chased after him. "She is already gone!! You can't!!!"
But it was too late.
He was already gone.
"Yes, I can. My love for Elysia is far greater than you can fathom, Valtheris. You can neither control nor monitor me any longer. For I, myself, am god."
All that remained was his voice echoing in my empty palace.
"So he knows," I smiled helplessly. "Then there is nothing I can do now. Now that he has made his first move, my job is not to meddle with fate, but instead to observe it."
"But…why do you only see your son as a tool?"