Nox's POV:
Captain's Log:
Me and my Crybaby lieutenant had discovered that two of my other officers playing on a hill that was having a case of bloody diarrhea. Officer Meathead had won his junior farting competition, while officer Slowpoke had tired himself out playing with the animals. With the end of our long journey nowhere in sight, I worry he is turning to other outlets to satisfy his urges in the absence of princess Wabbit.
Making a note, to check up on the mental health of the crew later, I began inquiring about the location of the cargo they were surely protecting with their lives all this time, the loyal, and competent men that they are.
I will report once I know more.
Captain's Log (3 days later):
My incompetent and disloyal crew failed me once again. While the precious cargo they were tasked to protect was eaten by fish, officer Slowpoke and Meathead went and did their own thing, while officer Wimp, got lost in the woods and suddenly decided to put on a theater performance starring herself as the damsel in distress.
Understandably upset at this level of incompetency, paired with the stress of having to try and fit my officers play into my tight schedule, I did the only responsible thing a captain in my position could do, and handed the problem over to my lieutenant, while I went to have fun at the beach.
However, as competent as my lieutenant can be, I still worry that they will somehow mess this simple stage act up, and so I have been keeping in regular contact with them through the surveillance cameras. I now spend my days searching for treasure and occasionally listening to the weekly reports about their side quest. I am certain that by the time I finish retrieving the important cargo of the magical girl empire, they will have slain the evil dragon wizard and delivered my formal invitations to girls' night to cannibal girl on my behalf, and if time permit it, rescue the officer Princess Wimp from the basement.
Next report will have to wait until the end of my paid vacation.
Captain's Log(1 day later):
It is now the middle of March, and after many, many minutes of underwater fish wrestling, I finally found it! Proof that alien life does exist, a UFO! Also known as an 'Underwater Fish Observatory', where all manner of foreign fish immigrants not native to this continent resides, observing me as they snack on the remains of my arkeological treasure trove.
I will report more on this strange find after making first contact.
Captain's log (Literally 5 minutes later):
The school of chimera fish soon vacated the sunken vessel, right after I defeated their leader, the great chimera squid guppy, in single combat. It was a hard-fought battle, taking all of one stab to its main artery located on its left side, between its soft, second and third tentacle-fins. Once they saw their leader defeated, the school of tentacle fish, all signed away their likeness to be used in my next book, before vacating the area. However, there seems to be yet another colony of foreign sea creatures snacking on my goods.
I will report more after assessing the situation.
Captain's Log(not even a minute later):
It has been many moons since I left the surface. I fear the isolation is starting to get to me down here in this dark and murky lake floor, where the only illumination is the radioactive, phosphorescent moss that hurts my eyes every time I stare directly at it. However, as it turned out, what I had hallucinated to be but mere moss as bright as the sun, was in fact, an ancient legendary alien known as a 'Pandemonium Sun Lobster'. Long living, water-light hybrid magical crustacean, that usually chills in small bodies of water, or on a sunny beach. These creatures are known for sleeping with their camouflage on, being bright as fuck when they are awake, and hating me specifically for some reason, as they rarely if ever attacks other creatures unprovoked.
Despite their unjustified hatred of me, I attempted to negotiate a peace offering as I was about to be blasted in the face by the laser shooting out of its claw. Thankfully, through the subtle art of negotiation, it was agreed that it would be fed to my hungry kids later in exchange for a quick electric dagger to its joint to help him hit the school of shark wannabees behind me, and a combustion touch to warm up his cold, soft, and extremely heat sensitive insides that was freezing under that thick protective shell.
This concludes my report on how I managed the natives living in the Nox empire's treasure escape pod through ritualistic duals, and peaceful negotiations. I will report more on my findings after taking stock of the remaining treasures.
(4 days later)
"…!"
*BUBBLES*("FUUUCK!")
I've been searching all over this lake, but there is nothing. I even went and searched the inside of the bellies of each and every fish, squid, eel, crab, and lobster here, but I still couldn't find it. That sweet, sweet, prize money inside that question block emanating with a crap load of elemental energy, that I had won months ago.
The whole reason why I have been missing out on my Wimpy daughter's stage performance was because I wanted to retrieve that crap load of magic stones that were supposed to be crammed in that floaty cube. Just judging by the energy it gave off back then, it far exceeded that of the one from the cockfight tournament I nearly won prior. Just thinking about all the magic stones I'd need to get ready for the showdown makes me worry for my wallet, so I'm gonna need as much cash as possible before it hits, but for some reason the crapload of magic stones in a bigger on the inside cube, is nowhere to be found.
As if that wasn't enough, less than half of my other stash of underwater stuff has been destroyed or turned into fish poop.
*Splash*
"Still, given the amount of energy that thing was giving off, it couldn't all have been eaten by magical beasts! So, where did it go!" I muttered after emerging from the depths.
While pondering how my hard-earned drug money could have disappeared, I realized who was behind this, and with a mix of pride and motherly love, I got the urge to go beat my kids to death.
"So, my kids got so cocky after robbing me they stuck around just to send me on a wild goose chase? They grow up so fast! Makes me just want to beat them back down to size?!" I muttered as I couldn't wait to brag about their accomplishments to good old uncle pain stick once I finished searching for the rest of this giant lake for what's left of my stuff.