Nox's POV:
Welcome brainworms, to a special broadcast of "Who Lost Mr. Meathead". Plot twist, it's the fat bird I'm currently riding on instead of having fun on game night like I was supposed to.
"Can't believe I let you drag me out here just cuz your fat ass couldn't fit in a hole! I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW?!" I loudly complained into the ear of this rude dolt.
*Screech*
"WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?! The better question is, WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THAT?! IT'S YOUR HOUSE, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!"
*Screech*
"THAT'S A FAIR POINT! I HAVE NO COMEBACK TO THAT, BUT I'M JUST GONNA KEEP YELLING, CUZ OTHERWISE IT WILL SEEM LIKE I'M LOSING!!!"
*Screech*
"WHERE DID YOUR BIRD-HORSE BRAIN LEARN TO ARGUE?!"
*Screech*
"Oh, that makes sense. Anyways, so which cave-hole did you lose him in?" I asked as we landed in the giant murder crow nesting ground.
*Screech*
"Okay, be back in a-!"
*Screech*
*Rumble*
"What did you just call me?"
*Swoosh*
"Oh, you, said "Watch out! Birds!", not "Watch out bird!"." I said in realization as I fell into this topsy-turvy fissure in the ground opened by what I am assuming is the survivors from my giant bandit murder crow killing spree way back when.
*Screech**Swoosh*
"Funny, I thought there would be more of you? Is the rest out hunting that notorious early bird for stealing the worm?" I asked while forcing open the bird beak of the birdbrain trying to swallow me in this freshly opened ravine.
*Swoosh*
"Whoa, there! What's the hurry?" I asked as the ball of feathers trying to eat me suddenly accelerated by nosediving even deeper into the earth's butt crack.
*Swoosh*
"Huh, well, he gave up easier than expected." I commented after the big bird gave up trying to swallow me whole, opening its mouth wide, letting my inertia carry me out of its pecker while flapping its wings to slow its own descent.
As I fell, I put on a hat so I could tip it to the avian hero who just tried to eat me alive. The oral musculature of these birds has rendered them physically incapable of the act, and yet this brave bird still learned to spit in defiance of its own biological limits.
"It almost brings a tear to my dry as fuck eyes."
*Sniff*
"What smells like sulphur?" I asked as it suddenly started getting hot in here.
*Splash**Sizzle*
Which was when I suddenly found myself taking a red-hot bath.
*Splash**Sizzle*
"La-da-da-di la-da-da-da!" I sang as I washed the smouldering remains of my outfit off my enchanting body in this magma pool I just fell into.
*Gulp*
Only to get eaten by a big fishy wanting to make the birdy boys up above jealous.
"Well, now I actually do need a bath." I said, using blood magic to grow out my nails while being slathered in stinky stomach acid.
I used my new cat claws to cut a hole in this stinky fart-bag I am in and began tickling the fishy's organs until this oversized-guppy spat me out…
*Gulp*
Right into the mouth of another oversized guppy.
"Tickle, tickle, tickle!"
*Splash**Sizzle*
After winning the tickle fight championship at the cost of my enchanting fire-res washing off, I eventually made it back to the surface of this big jacuzzi, relying on pure aura and my high regen-stat to endure the heat. It was at that point I let out a sigh of relief…
"Wheeee!"
Because this sweet new waterfall I just fell in to was covered in Meathead residue, meaning I was getting close to catching the runaway so I can get back to game night with the boys.
*Splash*
Unfortunately, what awaited me at the end of this flume ride was this puddle of animal blood I just fell into.
"Oh, come on! I just got out of the bath!" I complained, as I now got red bloodstains all over my body.
"…!"
"Hm? What are you all looking at?" I asked the silent crowd of wide-eyed dudes staring at me.
"…!"
"What? Is there something behind me?" I asked as I turned around to look, the sound of somebody dropping their sword echoing loudly throughout this bloody hole as I did so.
*Clank*
"So, is this silence meant to be awkward or are all of you just mute?" I asked the crowd of red-faced mutes who were clearly struggling with the heat down here.
Pitying these poor voiceless boys, I decided to grab my infinite water bottle from my spatial ring to help them hydrate. Unfortunately, my ring-shaped luggage was no longer on the hand where I left it.
"Wait, where'd it-? Shit." I mumbled as I realized I probably dropped it in one of my earlier tickle fights.
*Panting*
I looked on in even more pity at the bad luck of these poor, thirsty mutes. I don't have the time to make a new infinite beverage generator if I am to make it back in time for game night. Alas, these poor souls will have to fend of the terror of dehydration on their own.
Thus, with a heavy heart, I took step towards that dreamscape tunnel behind them, but then a miracle came to stand in my way.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING YOU DEGENERATE!!!"
God forbid they get some lifesaving water, but who cares, for a mute prude has found his voice. Hallelujah.
"HAVE YOU NO SHAME GIRL?! HAVE SOME DECENCY AND COVER YOURSELF! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA…" The former mute screamed at me, clearly delirious from the heat as he was blocking my way forward.
*Cough**Cough*
It breaks my heart having to watch these poor unfortunate boys slowly die of heatstroke. Delirium, agitation, tachycardia, tachypnoea, epistaxis. Not just the delirious miracle in front of me, but all the dazed, coughing, panting and/or runny, red-nosed bobby-boys around me, were all clearly showing signs of their bodies deteriorating from the intense heat.
"… AND STILL, YOU DO NOT APPEAR TO SHOW AN OUNCE OF EMBARRESMENT AS YOU PRANCE AROUND NAKED BEFORE A CROWD OF MEN LIKE SOME WANTON SLUT! YOUR PARENTS SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO HAVE RAISED SUCH A BRAZEN WHORE FOR A DAUGHTER!"
"Sorry, but I don't have time to help you right now." I said as I tried to push past him, which is when a great compromise lit up in my head.
"HOW DARE A FILTHY WENCH LIKE YOU TOUCH-! *Swish* Me?" He said as I stripped him naked in the blink of an eye.
I then dressed myself in the miracle mute's old clothes.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY BITCH?" He screamed, my good deeds already having an effect as the hue of his face went from an overheating tomato red, to a cooling pink peach.
"Helping you stay cool." I said as I used blood magic to create tentacles from the animal viscera on the ground.
*Tearing of fabric and high-pitched screams*
When dealing with heatstroke, it's important to lower the body temperature however you can, hence, I was quickly stripping them all of their stuffy, warm clothing out of the kindness of my heart. It's not an infinite supply of ice water, but at least they may yet live to see another day.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? YOU-! YOU-! YOU PERVERT!!!" Miracle mute number two screamed while smothering his hypothetical children dangling between his legs.
"You know, heat is bad for your nuts too. It's why you're born with them dangling on the outside instead of being safely tucked away inside your body." I said to the crowd of men trying to use their hands to insulate the heat in their crotch.
"GIVE ME BACK MY CLOTHES, YOU WRETCH!" Miracle mute number one said as he lunged at me.
However, this is far from my first delirious patient, so dodging out of the way was practically routine at this point.
*Swoosh*
*Thud*
"YOU-!" He said, his face overheating again.
"Oops! Saw your wiener!" I said, as he lost his grip on his nuts.
"AAH! JUST RETURN MY CLOTHING ALREADY!!!" He screeched, frantically trying to cover up his ding-dong again.
"This sausage fest is turning a bit too sausagey for my taste so I'm gonna go now." I said as I influenced their minds to create some temporary hallucinations for them to have some fun with, while I slide past them and into the dark sleepy tunnel to go look for my runaway son.
"COME Back here you…!"
As I hurried down the sleepy halls, I could hear their cries for me to return growing distant. They have probably cooled down enough to regain their senses and wished to thank me, the good Samaritan that I am. Alas, I really am in a hurry, so I couldn't turn around to receive their gratitude.
*Distant cursing*
Encouraged by the distant praise for my good deeds, I increased my running speed by enhancing the muscle fibres in my legs to run faster, ignoring the mental interference in the area through share will as I use my third eye to search for lingering aura traces left behind by murder boy Billy.
Wherever you may walk, traces of you will always be left behind as proof of your life. Footprints, fingerprints, a strand of hair, or even just a single cell of your body. Every step taken, every action made, no matter how small, leaves traces behind, and, with but one exception, that fact of life applies to the spiritual plane as well. And these corridors, reek with traces of that Meathead.
"Whoops!" I said, as I slipped at the top of some stares.
*Crash**Thud**Bang*
"Why! *Thud* Are! *Crash* There! *Bang* So! *Thud* Many! *Crash* Stairs!" I said while tumbling down this lawsuit waiting to happen.
Whoever designed these stairs should have their license to architect revoked for this safety hazard. The steps are too short, there is no side railing to grab on to, and it's far too steep for something so deep. It's practically a death trap.
*Squelch*
"Case in point!" I said after getting impaled on the spear poking out from the pile of meat cubes at the bottom of the steps.
After snapping the spear off and un-stabbing myself, I looked up at the absolutely demolished doorway ahead of me.
"It's, so beautiful!" I said, almost brought to tears at the share magnificence of what I saw inside the room ahead of me.
Silver, gold, orichalcum, mithril, adamantite, and every other kind of expensive metals, rubies, sapphires, diamonds, emeralds, and every other gemstone imaginable, including the magical, plus all manner of ancient artifacts, some of which even I have never seen before. Minus the vault, the paradise of wealth ahead of me is even grander than the playboy's was. And it's all mine for the ta-.
*BOOM*
"... Where'd all the money go?" I asked aloud as I pulled the pieces of my body back together again.
It's gone. It's all gone. It was right in front of me, and in an instant, my dreams of being able to shove my wealth in even that richi-rich playboy's face, just vanished before my eyes. Destroyed in an explosion so big it blew a hole straight back up to the surface.
*Bang*
"DAMN IT! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" I screamed as I fell to my knees and hit the ground in grief, vowing deep in my heart to one day make that bastard fate pay for every penny lost.
*Screech*
"AAAAH Okay I'm done." I said as I hopped back on my feet and climbed up on Rudolt, the big black bird.