On December 23rd, Comedy Central looked less like a television studio and more like the NBA All-Star Game.
LeBron James was there.
Kobe Bryant was there.
Kevin Durant.
Stephen Curry.
James Harden.
Blake Griffin.
Taylor Swift.
Scarlett Johansson.
Even David Beckham had accepted an invitation.
They had all gathered for one reason.
To roast Lin Yi.
When Comedy Central announced the guest list a week earlier, the internet exploded. The lineup was so stacked that producers reportedly expanded the show three separate times before finally running out of seats.
There were even rumors that dozens of NBA players had volunteered to appear, only to be turned away because there simply wasn't enough room on the stage.
Even the audience looked like an awards show.
Chris Paul.
DeMar DeRozan.
Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Klay Thompson.
Tracy McGrady, who had flown in during a break from his season overseas.
Yao Ming.
For most television networks, an audience like that would have been the main event.
For Comedy Central, they were just spectators.
Backstage, old rivalries were temporarily set aside.
LeBron James and Kevin Durant chatted casually while waiting for the show to begin. Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal were laughing together as if the last decade had never happened.
Seeing the two of them joking around again almost felt surreal.
Shaq wrapped an arm around Kobe's shoulders and grinned.
"Tonight, we're all on the same team."
Kobe smirked.
"Team Roast Lin Yi."
The two burst into laughter.
Lin Yi, standing off to the side, looked around the room before slowly shaking his head.
Some friends these people turned out to be...
Apparently every one of them had been waiting for an opportunity to make fun of him.
Comedy Central executives could barely contain their excitement.
Even before filming had started, everyone inside the studio knew the ratings were going to be enormous.
The network had never assembled a lineup quite like this.
When Roastmaster Kevin Hart walked onto the stage, the audience erupted.
Hart looked around the packed theater before breaking into a smile.
"I've got to be honest."
"I almost feel bad for Seth Rogen."
The audience laughed.
"He hosted last year's roast."
Hart looked around the room.
"Then I looked at tonight's guest list."
He paused dramatically.
"Yeah... I don't feel that bad anymore."
Hart slowly turned toward the guest seats.
"Seriously... did somebody kidnap the NBA Commissioner? That's the only explanation for getting this many stars in one room."
The crowd erupted again.
"Let's start with the biggest man in the room."
"Shaquille O'Neal."
The audience applauded as Shaq stood up and acknowledged the crowd.
Hart pointed at him.
"First of all, I'm a huge fan."
Shaq nodded proudly and pounded his chest.
Hart smiled.
"But I've got a serious question."
"How does a guy miss that many free throws and still end up in more commercials than anyone else in basketball?"
The audience exploded with laughter.
Shaq covered his face while laughing.
Hart wasn't finished.
"Seriously, Shaq has more endorsement deals than made free throws."
Even Kobe bent over laughing.
Shaq simply pointed at Hart.
"Oh, you're first tonight."
Hart laughed before turning toward Kobe.
"And now..."
"The Black Mamba himself."
"Five championships."
"An MVP."
"One of the greatest competitors this game has ever seen."
The audience applauded again.
Kobe stood and acknowledged them with a slight nod.
Hart smiled.
"And somehow..."
"You're still sleeping on the couch."
The audience burst into laughter.
Hart grinned.
"Seriously, Kobe. You forced Shaq out of Los Angeles, won two more championships, and somehow the only person who can still bench you is Vanessa."
Even Kobe laughed, shaking his head.
Hart pointed toward him.
"That's the toughest defender you've ever faced."
The crowd roared.
Without missing a beat, Hart shifted his attention.
"LeBron James."
"Blake Griffin."
Both players braced themselves.
"LeBron James."
Hart looked toward the guest section.
"One of the greatest players in the NBA."
The crowd applauded.
"But LeBron has spent his entire career chasing one thing."
Hart paused.
"That championship trophy."
The audience laughed.
"You know who he reminds me of?"
Hart looked around the room.
"Oliver Twist."
The crowd immediately understood where he was going.
"Everyone remembers Oliver Twist, right?"
A few people laughed before he even finished.
"But forget the orphan asking for more food."
Hart put on an exaggerated British accent.
"Imagine a young LeBron standing in front of his coach, holding out an empty championship case."
"Please, sir..."
"Can I have a ring?"
The audience exploded.
Hart turned toward LeBron.
"Except Oliver Twist was actually a kid."
"You were already 6'8 and built like a superhero. Nobody felt sorry for you."
Hart looked at Griffin.
"And Blake has spent his entire career carrying highlight reels."
Another wave of laughter swept through the theater.
Then Hart stopped in front of Kevin Durant.
"Ladies and gentlemen..."
"One of the greatest scorers this league has ever seen."
Durant nodded confidently.
Hart smiled.
"Kevin, we wanted to make sure you felt comfortable tonight."
"So backstage we've prepared Scarlett Johansson..."
Durant smiled.
"...and a bathtub."
The room exploded.
Durant immediately covered his face.
Scarlett Johansson laughed and buried her face in her hands.
Hart raised both hands.
"Hey, don't blame me."
"I didn't start the internet."
The audience applauded.
Hart waited for the laughter to settle before adding,
"And Elizabeth Olsen, The Queen of New York..."
He looked toward the nearest camera.
"If you're watching this..."
"I'm sorry."
"...kind of."
Even Durant had to laugh.
Hart adjusted his jacket and looked toward center stage.
"Now..."
"Our guest of honor."
The room suddenly became quiet.
"Three straight NBA MVP Awards."
"Multiple championships."
"The face of basketball's newest generation."
"And somehow..."
He pointed toward the audience.
"...every single one of his friends showed up tonight just to embarrass him."
The crowd erupted.
Hart turned toward Lin Yi as he stepped on the stage.
"Seriously, Lin."
"What did you do to these people?"
He gestured toward the guest seats.
"LeBron."
"Kobe."
"Shaq."
"KD."
"Steph."
"I've never seen this many Hall of Famers agree on anything."
He looked around dramatically.
"The last time this many NBA stars got together, somebody was announcing the Olympic roster."
Another round of applause.
"Hey, I say, buddy, the last person in the NBA who got along as badly as you, as far as I know, was..."
Hart nodded towards Kobe and Shaq.
At that moment, Kobe quietly picked up a plastic water bottle and tossed it toward Hart.
The bottle bounced harmlessly several feet away.
Hart looked down at it.
Then back at Kobe.
"Kobe..."
He smiled.
"I've heard retirement affects your game."
"I just didn't think it would happen that fast."
Even Kobe doubled over laughing.
Hart turned toward Shaquille O'Neal.
"And Shaq..."
"I've got a question."
"How did you end up here?"
"I figured TNT would've said, 'Sorry, Charles Barkley is busy. Send the backup.'"
The audience howled.
Shaq laughed so hard he had to wipe tears from his eyes.
Hart pointed at him again.
"Don't give me that look."
"You've got four championships."
"Fifteen All-Star appearances."
"And somehow you're still losing arguments to Charles Barkley."
Even Ernie Johnson would have appreciated that one.
Hart finally walked back to center stage.
"Now let's welcome again the man we're all here for."
"New York calls him their king."
"The rest of the NBA calls him a problem."
"I talked to a few players backstage."
"They all had the same plan."
He leaned toward the microphone.
"Figure out how to stop Lin Yi."
He shrugged.
"Nobody came up with an answer."
The audience applauded.
Hart smiled.
"So instead..."
"We're going to make fun of him for the next two hours."
He extended an arm toward the stage entrance.
"Ladies and gentlemen..."
"The one."
"The only."
"The King of New York."
Lin Yi stood on center stage wearing a tailored black suit.
The audience rose to its feet.
"MVP!"
"MVP!"
"MVP!"
The chant echoed throughout the studio.
For a brief moment, the jokes stopped.
The laughter faded.
Everyone applauded.
Regardless of what happened over the next two hours, one thing was undeniable.
At just twenty-four years old, Lin Yi had already become one of the defining stars of his generation.
And tonight, every legend in the building had come for the same reason.
To roast him.
. . .
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