You never know what you've got till it's gone.
Your classmates after graduation, your parents after you move out... Life's full of so many changes, and it's only when you end up alone that you'll realize that all these people who you took for granted before are so precious to you.
That was why so many people went around telling you to treasure those around you, and to be grateful for what you have.
But consider this.
Does that sense of loss necessarily stem from losing something important to you? If those people and things really were so precious, why would you let them go like that? If you didn't think they were important at the time, why would losing them make them important?
As far as I'm concerned, the increased sense of value attached to these things after they're gone simply stems from a psychological error.
The principle of inertia applies to society as well. If something has stopped, it's difficult to get it to move. If something is moving, it's hard to get it to stop. This all sounds very technical, but it applies to human minds too.
Once someone starts getting mad, it's a real chore to snap them out of it; likewise, if they suddenly decide you're to be the object of their affection. Once your life gets stuck in a pattern, you're subconsciously apt to follow it and stick to the routine you know.
So what would happen if your routine suddenly comes to a complete halt because of forces outside of your control? It's the same as inertia. Apply the brakes to a moving vehicle, and anything riding it will be flung forward.
Coming back to loss, it's natural that anything that disappears suddenly like that is going to leave you feeling off-kilter, but that has nothing to do with its value. It's this sense of confusion which leads people to conclude that "you never know what you have till it's gone." They feel confused, and so
they think it must have been important; but it wasn't.
What I mean to say, is that I never valued Iroha's bullying whatsoever! I
was only feeling weird about it because of this whole inertia thing. That's all it was.
"Is something the matter, Ooboshi-senpai? Your arm is trembling."
"I'm fine."
School was done for the day. As we promised over LIME, Iroha and I met
up in a quiet park a few blocks away from our school. We were on our way to Otoi-san's house to record the new character lines. She had a small studio there which she very kindly allowed us to use. I had already procured the meager offering of twenty Suckies that we would set before her feet in gratitude.
That was all well and good, but there was an extremely awkward tension in the air. Iroha had been smiling sweetly all this time, and not once had she broken out of her Little Miss Perfect Honor Student character. There was no one else around, and yet she hadn't shot a single insult or innuendo my way.
Ngh! I can't take this anymore!
"Iroha!"
"Yes, Ooboshi-senpai?" Iroha turned to look at me, her long hair swaying lightly. I could smell the sweet scent of flowers coming from her. She held back her locks with a hand and tilted her head at me questioningly, and I could practically see the country fields spreading out behind her.
It was like every one of her movements was calculated to be as graceful as possible, not to mention the wind seemed to be blowing at just the right speed through her hair.
"When are you planning on dropping the goody-two-shoes act?"
"Why, whatever do you mean? I am simply being myself—the same girl I have always been."
"Stop it. Where's the shit-eating grin? The stupid comments? The nonsensical insults?"
"I would never behave in such an uncouth manner!"
"Really, you don't have to force yourself to keep up this act."
"You are being awfully stubborn. As you know, I am always willing to
respond to your requests as best I can, but asking me to treat you unkindly is simply too much!"
"I seriously can't deal with this! Stop being so...unannoying! It's really
annoying!"
"I am the one starting to lose patience. I am meek and proper, and yet you
are complaining that a girl like me wants to spend her time with you?" "I'm not complaining at all! I'm over the moon, dammit!"
"Well, that settles that. Please try not to confuse me in future." Iroha
finished her tirade with a small huff.
What a dumb argument. I already lost my train of thought about halfway
through. It was clear to me, though, that Iroha intended to keep up this act no matter what. Even the way she was pouting right now was more in line with "disgruntled honor student" than her usual self.
It was weirding me out, especially since I'd been wishing for ages that she'd be a little more...normal. Now that she was, I felt nothing but irritation. It felt like whatever grounded me to reality was slowly letting go.
We eventually arrived at Otoi-san's studio. Her detached house was nestled away in a quiet neighborhood. Walking there from our school took about seven minutes. We walked straight through the gates with the family's nameplate on them, and strode through her spacious garden towards the shed that sat a short distance away from the house. Since we were regular visitors, we didn't need to ring the doorbell; we had a free pass to go right on through.
Inside the shed, there was a set of stairs leading to a basement. We made our way down those gloomy, deathly-silent steps to find a full-blown, fully decked-out recording studio at the bottom. The first thing we saw was the control room, packed with various recording equipment, speakers, and amps. The recording booth was behind a layer of soundproof glass, complete with chairs, a table, and a microphone.
The door on the opposite side of the room led to a bathroom and a boiler, so you could say this studio had everything its occupants might ever need.
The entire place was soundproofed from top to bottom, so there was no risk of the neighbors calling the police on us when things got too loud. It was this secret sanctuary where Iroha was allowed to work her magic.
"Hey, guys. Glad you made it." The girl in the control room was leaning back on her chair in the middle of the control room. "Thought I told ya to give me a proper heads-up next time, eh? You're a real pain in the ass sometimes. But whatever, we're here now."
"Sorry. It's a real help though, Otoi-san."
This was Otoi-san. She was in charge of all the sound production for the
05th Floor Alliance. Her shoulder-length hair was an almost-blinding shade of red and about as neat as the raging flames it resembled. Her uniform was disheveled and worn crudely not as an act of rebellion, but simply because it was more comfortable that way. With the way the buttons on her blouse were done up (or in some cases not), there were flashes of what lay underneath, and it was hard to know where to look. Otoi-san herself didn't seem to care, though.
The way she slouched in her chair and the way she hardly seemed bothered to keep her eyes open gave off the distinct impression that she drifted through life in a haze of apathy. She was in the same grade as me, and up until last year, we were in the same class too. The broadcasting club had high hopes for her to become the next president, but at the start of the year, she left a note in the clubroom saying she was "bored with it," and never returned. Instead, she spent her time working on and in the studio at her house.
I heard that she had some pretty big names from the music and voice acting industries stopping by to record in here, but I didn't know anything concrete. Otoi-san wasn't the type to talk about herself, and I wasn't the type to pry.
We didn't interact with each other more than was absolutely necessary, and neither of us felt the need to be superficially friendly. Our relationship was strictly professional.
I bet you're probably wondering what her first name is. Well, it's— Wait, never mind. I'd rather not get my face kicked in.
In terms of personality, as you might've guessed, she did everything
whenever she pleased, however she pleased.
"You got the goods?" she asked.
"Here you go. Twenty Suckies."
"Nice, looks good. Keep on bringin' the goods, an' this place's yours as
much as y'like."
To say Otoi-san had a sweet tooth was an understatement. She had a
mouthful of sweet teeth. She was known to leave school early just because she ran out of candy.
She opened the bag I passed her immediately, and stuck one of the Suckies straight into her mouth.
"Whabbout the tip?" she asked around the lollipop.
I knew this was coming. The tip was the most important part of dealing with Otoi-san, more so than the base price of, in this case, twenty Suckies, which was nothing but a prerequisite to the real transaction.
Otoi-san wasn't part of the Alliance; she was more like a mercenary who we contracted from time to time, but crucially, she kept Iroha's true identity a secret. I never expected her to keep such a huge secret for free.
"This is a brand new cake from Meifuudou. What do you think?" "Meifuudou, huh?"
Each job she undertook for us required a tip in the form of a fancy cake or
pastry. Must be nice paying someone in sweets instead of actual money, right?
Unfortunately, that's dead wrong. Otoi-san's family was insanely rich, and this audio work was nothing but a hobby for her. That was why she never accepted cash payments. Since it was a hobby, there was a complete lack of obligation on her end. If she didn't feel like it on a particular day, she would simply tell us and that would be that. However, this work was important for us, and after being snubbed a few too many times, we came up with a deal: each time we wanted her help, we would bring her one fancy sweet on top of her usual fee.
Otoi-san was hard to impress. There were several times when I brought her a cake, and she sent us home because she didn't like it. I could spend ages at the cake store, trying to pick out the treat with the greatest chance of success.
"Hm... Yeah, this one looks good. You're on for today."
Yes!
I gave an internal fist pump. Thank God she accepted. After everything that was going on around me, being refused at this point might have been the final nail in my coffin.
"Y'know, Otoi-san, it might be easier if you told me what sort of cake you wanted beforehand. It'd be way more efficient than me having to guess each time."
"Ugh. Nah, havin' to think about it would be too much effort. I'd hafta go and see what's on offer every time they open up a new store too. Just pick out somethin' tasty each time and we're good."
Thought so. I only went along with the whole cake roulette thing because I knew she wasn't capable of making things easy for me. Guess that'd be more
sweets research for homework.
For a subset of foods I never ate myself, I sure was learning a lot about it.
By the way, there was a new crème brûlée parfait at that place down behind the station, which was the perfect blend of sweet and—
Wait, never mind that now.
"I'm going into the booth now. Have you got the script for me, Senpai?" Iroha asked.
"Ah. Here." I took the printed script from my bag and handed it to her, after which she made her way into the booth ever so gracefully.
"Aight, lemme just set this up." Otoi-san stood up and moved her hands smoothly over the recording equipment in front of her.
Unlike her words, her movements were swift and precise. Even the sleepy look in her eyes cleared as she focused on the machines in front of her. This was precisely why I chose her as our sound engineer. From the outside, it looked like she cared about nothing at all, but when it came to sound, she cared immensely, and her work was scrupulous to the highest degree. She never compromised, and her results were consistently more than perfect. It was enough to make the hours I spent researching cakes seem trivial.
Otoi-san glanced through the window into the recording booth as she worked. She let out an exasperated sigh as she watched Iroha read through the lines, her gaze sharp.
"Y'know, you always have crazy-high expectations, Aki."
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Most directors'd give their actors the script days in advance. Making
'em do the recordings without any practice'd piss off the pros."
"I guess that's a fair comment, but...Iroha's different."
I had good reason for keeping the script from Iroha until the very last
second. Her mother hated show business and everything associated with it with a burning passion. If Iroha left the script lying around the house and her mother found it, it would all be over for us. It simply wouldn't be worth the risk, but unfortunately it meant she didn't have the opportunity to practice beforehand.
"Since you don't let her practice though, you've basically turned her into a beast."
"Five minutes, right?"
"Yep. That's all she needs to read the whole thing and get perfectly into character."
"It's true what they say about limitations building character, huh?"
I suddenly heard whistling from inside the booth. I looked up, and it seemed Iroha had finished going through the script. Iroha was ready to go and, glancing to my side, I could see that Otoi-san was too.
"Let's get started. Ready, Kohinata?" Otoi-san asked into the microphone connected to the booth.
"I am ready! I shall do my best to give a good performance for you too, Senpai!"
Ah, so even here she was keeping up that attitude. When was she gonna drop it already?
"Here goes. Three, two, one..." At the end of the countdown, Otoi-san pressed the cue button on the console.
Iroha's face set into a serious frown as she prepared to act. Today, she was reading the lines I wrote during break for our five new characters. They were all eccentric characters, from the overly clingy girl to the Mohican head. Varied as they were, I wasn't worried about Iroha's ability to pull it all off. She had already voiced all the other Koyagi characters perfectly, regardless of age or gender.
First up, was the tough delinquent with the mohawk.
"Hey, fuckwit! This is my turf! Hyaahaaaah!"
"Huh?"
"I got fists o' steel and the fires of hell burnin' in my soul! I got pride
bigger than the entire world and the most dazzling looks for miles! Ya hear?!" "Wh..."
"If ya want me to kick the shit outta ya, be my guest! My chainsaw's buzzin' for action!"
The lines came out clear, fluent, and crisp. In fact, they were too clear, too clean, and, above all, graceful and ladylike. Otoi-san raised her eyebrows in surprise. I was left utterly speechless. She quickly turned off the recording.
"Kohinata. Question."
"Yes? What is the matter?"
"Why's this delinquent talkin' like a princess?"
If you hadn't guessed it by now, Iroha was delivering her lines in her
honor-student voice. This mohawk guy had to be the most adorable villain on
the block if that was what he sounded like.
"Oh? Is there something wrong with that?" Iroha asked, her face a perfect
picture of (fake) confusion.
"Uh... We'll come back to this one," Otoi-san decided after a moment's
pause. "Move on to the next character."
Iroha nodded and began with the clingy younger sister, followed by the
elderly lady, and so on. She read them all in the same innocent girly tones. Once Iroha was through, Otoi-san crushed the lollipop in her mouth with an audible crunch. She leaned back in her chair, which creaked underneath her, and turned to me.
"The hell is she playin' at?" she asked under her breath so Iroha wouldn't hear.
"I don't know... She's actually really talented, but..."
"Uh, yeah, duh. Ugh, what a drag." Having destroyed the previous Suckie, Otoi-san thrust a new one into her mouth and leaned forward. "Hey, Kohinata. D'you really think you're doin' a good job right now?"
She was keeping her tone flat to try and hide her irritation.
"Of course I am! I know my producer better than anyone, and he loves it when I perform like this! I know that it is exactly what he wants!" Though Iroha was responding in her usual good-girl tones, her voice held the tiniest hint of sarcasm.
I couldn't believe she was even taking this nonsense into the recording booth with her.
"What, y'mean, you asked her t'perform like this, Aki?" Otoi-san lowered her voice and narrowed her eyes at me. "If you wanna use my studio to record this kinda garbage, get out, right now."
"I swear on my life she's lying." I turned to the booth. "Stop messing around, Iroha."
I heard Iroha gasp slightly at the sharp tone in my voice. On the other side of the glass, uncertainty clouded over her features.
I was seriously mad at her this time. I know I pissed her off somehow, and I was willing to take full responsibility for it. I was even willing to overlook the fact that she was getting on Otoi-san's nerves too.
But I couldn't forgive her for bringing that into her work. This was supposed to be her dream, and she was spitting in its face.
"Iroha," I began, "I'm—"
"Sec."
Just as I was ready to make my fury known, something was thrust into my mouth. It was hard and round, and the next moment sweetness spread over my tongue. It was the very Suckie that Otoi-san had had in her mouth seconds prior. After a quick glance at me, she turned to the booth.
"Aight. I'm closin' shop for the day. We'll pick things back up when everyone's chilled out a bit."
"Okay..." Iroha replied weakly.
The next moment, she flung open the door to the booth and raced away up the stairs without even stopping by the control room.
"What a pain in the ass," Otoi-san muttered as she watched Iroha's retreating back.
I knew she didn't mean us.
"Thanks, Otoi-san. And...I'm sorry it ended up like this."
If it weren't for her intervention, I might have made a fatal mistake. I
might've said something to Iroha that I could never undo. That she had to plug my mouth with a lollipop was pretty embarrassing, like she was letting me know just how inexperienced I was. I could only agree, given how I nearly acted on my anger.
"So, what's the deal?" Otoi-san asked. "Since I just gave you an indirect kiss, I think I deserve to know."
"R-Right..." I slumped my shoulders like a kid in trouble as I sucked on the candy in my mouth.
Technically, this was an indirect kiss. Now that I realized it, my heart started to pound. At the same time, the depths of my mind were unusually clear. I wasn't stupid enough to get so excited over another girl's saliva in my mouth considering what happened. Though maybe things'd be easier if I was.
I straightened up in my seat and turned to look Otoi-san in the eye. I'd tell her everything. About Mashiro's confession too. Everything.
***
"Sure sounds like a pain in the ass."
I started my story way back when Tsukinomori-san asked me to be Mashiro's fake boyfriend. I told her about Mashiro's confession, and how
she wasn't letting me give my response. About how I tried to ask Iroha for advice, only to have her switch into permanent honor-student mode for whatever reason.
Once I was done, Otoi-san let out a sigh. "Well, aren't you Mr. Popular?"
"What? No way. Maybe if I was, I'd know what to do about this mess. Honestly, I've never experienced anything like this before, and I haven't got a clue how I'm supposed to deal with it."
"That's pretty rare for you, huh? Cracks me up."
"C'mon. You're the one who's always walking around in a daze." "Yeah, that's why it's funny you get some of that now too." Otoi-san
pulled the Suckie from her mouth and began to wave it around like a conductor's baton. Her face didn't even twitch, so I couldn't tell if she was joking or serious. "Welp, sorry to say, but I'm no expert on love. Can't read minds either, so can't tell ya what's on Kohinata's. But if all this crap ends up crushing her talents, I ain't forgiving you."
An uncharacteristic fierceness flared in her final words, and I felt myself automatically sitting up straighter.
"You know I can't take my eyes off her, right?" Otoi-san continued. "Yeah, 'cause of her talent."
That was exactly why Otoi-san was so willing to protect Iroha's secret
and lend us her studio.
"I love music, 'n' I love playin' with sound. I know it sounds a little
stuck-up to say it, but I think I've got a good ear for that kinda thing too. But that doesn't mean I got the talent to be a singer or a pianist or anythin'. I'm not good at the whole...showmanship thing. And it's 'cause I've got a good ear that I can say that."
I understood fully; I was the same, after all. It was like my only talent was recognizing that I had none.
"That's why I put myself in a supportin' role. I wanna help those who actually have talent. Make that actress who's one-in-million into one-in-a- billion. You know who I'm talkin' 'bout, yeah?"
"Iroha."
"Yup. Most people, y'just give 'em some training and their actin' and vocal range gets better. But she's like...I dunno, it's like she's not even human."
"Yeah, I know."
You often heard about first-rate actors literally becoming their character. In some ways, you could compare it to spirit channeling, where the souls of the departed inhabited the bodies of those calling on them.
What I mean to say is that it's more than acting. It was like you were a living, breathing vessel for this person from another world who was talking through you. Kohinata Iroha was such a natural, that she hosted all these characters as though it was the easiest thing in the world.
"She has so much talent, I wouldn't mind dedicatin' the whole rest of my high school life to helpin' her realize it. Y'know if I didn't feel that way, I'd be chargin' ya more than just candy to use this set-up of mine."
Both of us were completely entranced by Iroha's talent, and wanted to support her in any way we could.
"If you're gonna let this whole confession shit or whatever get in the way of her talents, I'll hate you for the rest of my life. Got it?"
Her words struck me to my core. Confession "shit." She was right. This was pointless, worthless. This was the kinda thing everyone else in class got worked up about. Mostly because they were too busy "celebrating youth" to plan ahead. I'd always looked down on them; I wasn't about to join 'em.
"So, this Mashiro chick cute or what?"
"Uh, I guess so. When she wants to be. Maybe?"
"Oh, okay, now I know she's gotta be. You were always all, 'I don't care
about girls and romance and stuff.' But that just took you five seconds, an' you're gettin' all worked up. Dead-ringer for 'Aki thinks she's cute.'"
"You weren't listening, were you? I'm supposed to be fake dating this girl for my future boss, so it's not like I can just give a straight answer. Besides, I have to think about my relation to everyone around me. The 05th Floor Alliance could lose all motivation if I don't. Of course this stuff worries me."
"Sounds to me like you're just makin' excuses. Any evidence t'back up your claims?"
"Uh..."
"Looks like your brain's startin' to fry. C'mere."
Otoi-san beckoned to me, and I had no choice but to follow. The next
thing I knew, she reached out and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me in. "H-Hey, w-wait! Whaddya—?!" I flailed frantically as I found my face
being pressed into something soft.
A gentle, milky fragrance flowed through my nose. Her body was far hotter than I imagined, given how little she moved.
But why was Otoi-san suddenly holding me to her chest like this? My flustered brain could barely reach for the pieces to put them together.
Image Here
"Most people waste their teenage years on stupid, pointless stuff. Romance is dumb and a waste of time. That's what you think, right? 'Cause I totally agree."
"R-Right. Which is why you and I are so successful."
"But just listen. You can hear my heartbeat right now, can't you?" "Huh?"
It was only now that I picked up on it: the steady, rhythmic beating of her
heart.
"Super fast, right?"
"Why? Are you nervous? I didn't think you were capable of being
anxious."
"Look, even people like you and me can get flustered when this sorta
thing happens, right? Though I'm pretty good at hidin' it."
With that, she let go of me. I looked up at her face, but there wasn't a hint
of tension in her expression. Her skin did seem a little pink, but I only noticed because I was looking for it.
"I bet you're feelin' it too, right?"
"Huh?"
"Y'don't wanna waste your time on this sorta stuff, but when it happens,
well. Humans have instincts like any other animal."
"So, you mean...Mashiro's confession really did affect me? And when I'm
with Iroha..."
"Yeah. Probably." Otoi-san turned to trace her fingers over a photo frame
that sat atop the console in front of us. Her eyes softened. "And that was why her passion had such an effect on you, I reckon."
That photo was from last year. It was a photo of Iroha, Otoi-san, and me, with the girls looking just a tiny bit younger than they did now. We were inside the recording booth. Iroha had her hands up in a peace sign, her eyes brimming with excitement. I stood to one side of her looking like a disgruntled parent while Otoi-san yawned on the other. We took it with a selfie stick to commemorate our first recording. It was strange to think that Iroha was still in junior high school back then.
I remember spending ages trying to convince her to come to the studio, and even when I managed, she grumbled the whole way here. I remember how excited she got seeing all the equipment, and hearing her own voice playback in such high quality. It was the first time I'd ever seen her smiling
from the very bottom of her heart.
"Her passion..."
Otoi-san might have been on to something. While I had been planning to
reply to Mashiro's confession with a calm and level head, deep down there was a part of me that was incredibly happy to be confessed to. Telling myself I couldn't do anything because she'd only talk to me via LIME was just an excuse. There were tons of ways I could get her to listen to me.
I should have taken the most efficient option open to me, but I didn't. I didn't even try. I was too focused on making sure no one got hurt—myself included. By doing that, I forgot everything I decided when the Alliance was formed: that I didn't mind if people hated me; I was willing to bet my time, and even my entire life, on the talents of this small group of people.
"Thanks, Otoi-san. You helped me remember what's most important to me."
"That's what I like t'hear. Guess you're feelin' pretty confident about talkin' to her now, right?"
"Yeah. I'm gonna fix this."
With my mind cleared of fog, my thoughts were starting to come together. All the troubles I was facing right now were connected by a single thread. The solution was simple, and right now I was kicking myself for not thinking of it earlier.
"I'll be off then. Sorry for the trouble."
"It's fine. Doesn't mean I'm givin' you this session for free, though." Otoi-san waved at me.
"Talk about a one-track mind..."
I let out a good-humored sigh before leaving the studio behind. On my way up the stairs, I sent a quick LIME message. This was step one.
AKI: Let's get something to eat tonight. I'll message you the time and place in a bit. I'll give you my response to your confession there, Mashiro.
And...send.
If she accepted, great. If not, it didn't matter. If she tried to avoid me, I'd find some other way to force her to face me. I didn't value the feelings of others. All I valued was efficiency. Efficiency for myself. Wondering what other people thought or felt didn't come into it.
***
Silence.
"You're...not gonna say anything?"
"This is too important. Anything I say runs the risk of messing it up.
Whatever happens, Aki, just know that I respect your decision." "Got it. Thanks."