At the Old Friends Bar.
"But I didn't know!" Heather's face was red with anger.
"Okay, okay," Ted said, realizing he shouldn't keep pushing this in front of me and the gang. His little sis deserved some dignity, after all. "My bad. That was back then. You and Barney taught me a lesson, proved you're mature enough. Didn't I even make you a co-signer?"
"This has to do with Barney?" I asked, my expression turning weird.
If it were me, forget letting my little sis Teddy near Barney—I'd beat him to a pulp the second he stepped into her line of sight, send him straight to the hospital, no questions asked.
"It's not what you think!" Ted rushed to explain. "At first, I was super strict about keeping Barney away. Whenever Heather visited, I wouldn't even tell him, just to make sure he didn't try anything…"
He trailed off, his face scrunching up in disgust. Probably remembering how every Christmas, when the family sent him cards, Barney would hover behind him, serenading Heather's photo:
"Take off her pants, yank down mine, under the mistletoe, make her lose her mind. Hot Heather, Hot Heather, I'll give her the full-service ride!"
And that wasn't all—Barney had a whole playlist of self-made hits. Stuff like: "I wanna see her fresh from the womb, kneeling, waiting for me," or "Ted's got a little sis, getting spicier by the day, I wanna meet her and…" Ted would roll his eyes, elbow him when it got unbearable, but his pushback was weak at best.
"You should've trusted me," Barney finally spoke up, breaking his silence. "I just talk big, but if I promise you something, I won't do it."
"Ha!" I couldn't help but laugh.
"What's so funny?" Barney snapped, annoyed.
"Everyone who gets it, gets it," I said, giving him a look.
"This place sucks. McLaren's is way better," Barney stalled, switching to complaints.
"That's 'cause everyone here knows you," I shot back, cutting to the chase.
Barney—my so-called friend—had landed in the hospital with some nasty STD before, and it spread like wildfire around the medical center. Most folks at Old Friends Bar were doctors and nurses from there. Even if a newbie didn't recognize him, a quick whisper about his history sent them running. Sure, precautions meant it wasn't a huge deal, but it was gross—and risky. Barney wasn't hot enough to make anyone overlook that. No wonder he kept striking out here and wanted to bolt.
"Barney and Heather did teach me something," Ted said, trying to smooth things over. "I should've trusted them."
"Oh? What happened?" I asked with a grin.
"So here's the deal…" Ted started, but Lily jumped in, spilling the whole story in one breathless rush before grabbing Matthew's beer and chugging it.
Turns out, when Heather came to town this time, Ted tried to keep it from Barney. But he blabbed to loose-lipped Lily. Naturally, Barney showed up at the apartment and met Heather. At dinner, she mentioned wanting to break into New York's finance scene. Barney whipped out his fancy Goliath Bank exec card. Ted freaked, trying to stop it—he knew Barney's MO. But Heather insisted, so Ted sent Lily to babysit. Big mistake. Lily's surprise check at Barney's office found them disheveled, looking like they'd just thrown their clothes back on.
Ted flipped out, chewed Heather out hardcore. But—plot twist—it was a setup. Barney and Heather knew Lily would come and blab, so they staged it to teach Ted a lesson.
"Ha!" I laughed again after hearing it all. "Guess Barney's got some limits. With that STD still lingering, if he'd gone too far, that'd be next-level messed up."
"What?!" Heather jolted. "Barney's got an STD?!"
"You didn't know?" I feigned shock. "He had it before—hasn't hit six months yet, so it's not confirmed clear. But no worries, you didn't do anything, right?"
"You've got an STD?!" Heather shot up, roaring at Barney.
"Chill," I said, 'comforting' her. "It's not contagious through casual contact. Look, we're all sitting here with him, no problem."
Heather's face went from green to white, glaring daggers at Barney, who kept winking at her desperately.
"Heather, what's up?" Ted asked. If he couldn't see something was off by now, he'd be a total idiot.
"Oh no," Lily gasped, catching on instantly.
"Barney Stinson!!!" Ted growled, teeth clenched, glaring at him. "You lied to me!!!"
"Alright, alright," Barney threw up his hands, giving up the act. "We didn't lie—story's just not over. What Lily saw was fake; we didn't do anything then, just messing with you. What happened after doesn't count, so it's not a lie."
"After doesn't count?!" Ted exploded. "You're unbelievable!"
"Yeah, Barney, that's too far!" Lily and Matthew piled on.
"Told you," I sighed. "I wasn't wrong—everyone gets it. Barney's got no principles when temptation's involved. He swore to Matthew he wouldn't mess with his career, too. Trusting him not to go after your sister is like trusting a cat not to eat fish or a dog to skip meat."
"You're right!" Robin said, shuddering with disgust. Good thing she'd kept Barney away from her little sis, Katie, last time—who knows what could've happened.
"Heather, don't worry…" Ted finished yelling at Barney and turned to his pale sister. "It might be fine…" He looked at me pleadingly. "Adam?"
"Come with me," I said, shaking my head as I stood. "Let's get you checked at the hospital."
"Yes, yes!" Ted jumped up, supporting a wobbly Heather.
Lily, Matthew, and even Barney stood too.
"Stay back! Keep away from my sister!" Ted barked.
"Barney, you crossed a line this time," Matthew said, dead serious. "That's Ted's little sister!"
"Seriously," Lily snapped, glaring. "Do you have any boundaries?"
Robin didn't even bother speaking to him.
We all hustled Heather over to the medical center next door for a blood test. With my pull, results came fast.
"Adam, how is it?" Ted asked, eyes wide with hope.
"Negative," I said, glancing at the report.
"Thank God!" Ted shouted.
"Wahhh!" Heather, overwhelmed with relief, burst into tears.
"Now you're crying? What were you thinking earlier?!" Ted scolded, exasperated.
"Is it all her fault?" I cut in. "You didn't mess up too?"
"I warned her from the start…" Ted grumbled.
"And Barney?" I shot back with a cold laugh. "If you'd put your foot down from the beginning, not let him push every limit, would this have happened? Honestly, Matthew and Lily share some blame too!"
"Yeah," Matthew said grimly. "We all should've held the line. I'm partly responsible—should've cut Barney off after that professor stunt."
"Who'd think he'd have zero morals?" Lily muttered.
"I messed up too," I sighed. "If we'd all stuck to our guns—either he follows basic decency or he's out—we wouldn't be here. After this, I don't care what you all decide, but unless Barney's got a daughter of his own and genuinely changes his sleazy ways, I'm done with him. Keep that in mind for future hangouts."
Everyone: "…"
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