[Wilson Estate, New York]
The first scream started at 1:17 in the afternoon.
The second joined approximately eleven seconds later.
By 1:24, Diana and Aiden had apparently reached a private agreement that silence was an insult to their family name.
Max stood in the nursery with Diana against her shoulder while Caroline paced beside the crib carrying Aiden like somebody handling an unexploded bomb. Both babies were red-faced, furious, and producing enough noise to make the expensive soundproofing around the nursery feel like a personal failure.
Max bounced Diana gently while staring toward the ceiling. "I carried both of you for months, gave up alcohol, watched my ankles become dinner rolls, and pushed you into civilization, so I feel like I've earned twenty consecutive minutes without screaming."
Diana responded by screaming directly beside her ear. "Waaaahhhh!"
Max slowly turned her head away. "That was super disrespectful, tiny woman."
Caroline shifted Aiden higher against her shoulder and continued walking around the room. "They've eaten, they've been changed, they've been burped, the temperature is perfect, and I checked their clothes for anything uncomfortable. According to every baby book downstairs, they should currently be peaceful little angels."
"WAAAHHHH!" Aiden screamed even louder against her chest.
Caroline looked down at him with wounded disbelief. "Excuse me, I spent forty-three dollars on that book, so somebody in this room needs to respect its authority."
Max adjusted Diana while her daughter kicked inside the blanket. "Sweetie, your first mistake was thinking my children were going to read instructions written by somebody else."
Caroline stopped pacing and stared toward both twins. "They're barely a month old, Max. They shouldn't already have your personality."
Max glanced down at Diana. "Actually, I think this one has Alex's personality because she's beautiful and demanding."
Caroline looked at Aiden, who had begun kicking hard enough to loosen his blanket. "Then this one definitely belongs to you because he looks furious that somebody wrapped him in something he didn't personally approve."
Max clicked her tongue and gave a tired smile. "That's my boy."
The twins continued crying.
Ten more minutes passed.
Max tried rocking Diana.
Caroline tried walking with Aiden.
They switched babies.
That somehow made everything worse.
Aiden immediately screamed into Max's chest while Diana began crying against Caroline as though she had just realized she'd been handed to management.
Caroline stared down at the baby while rocking her carefully. "Why does she look betrayed? I've held her hundreds of times. I even changed her diapers."
Max shifted Aiden against her shoulder while he continued complaining at full volume. "Maybe she finally realized you're the woman who keeps putting headbands on her when she doesn't have enough hair to justify them?"
Caroline looked offended enough to forget the screaming for several seconds. "Those headbands are adorable, and Diana loves looking fashionable."
Max glanced toward the tiny pink headband sitting on the dresser. "Diana doesn't know where her own feet are yet, so I'm pretty sure Fashion Week can survive without her."
Caroline walked toward the rocking chair and carefully lowered herself with Diana. "You're only saying that because you keep dressing them in those little black shirts with skulls."
Max gave Aiden another gentle bounce. "Those are educational because they teach the children that Mommy has taste."
Caroline looked toward her. "One of them literally says Mommy's Little Trouble Maker."
Max nodded with complete satisfaction. "That's what we call realistic expectations."
Diana kept crying.
Aiden kept crying.
Max's smile gradually disappeared.
She checked Aiden again, touched his forehead, adjusted his clothes, and examined him with the nervous focus she still tried hiding whenever something felt slightly wrong. Motherhood had introduced her to a completely new kind of fear. Every strange sound, unusual movement, or unexplained cry could send her imagination toward places she hated visiting.
Caroline noticed immediately.
She rose from the chair while still holding Diana and moved closer. "They're okay, Max. Sometimes babies cry because being babies is their entire personality for the first few months."
Max looked toward Aiden as he scrunched his tiny face. "That seems like a pretty terrible business model."
Caroline smiled gently. "You survived working with Han for years, so you've already handled worse management."
Max laughed despite herself and kissed Aiden's forehead. "That little Korean cupcake thief is going to hear about that one."
Another scream immediately followed.
Max closed her eyes. "Please make this madness stop."
Caroline glanced toward the nursery door. "Maybe they need a change of scenery. We've been trapped inside this room long enough that I'm starting to understand why rich women used to hire entire staffs for childcare."
Max headed toward the hallway with Aiden. "Rich women hired staffs because rich people eventually discover money can make somebody else deal with screaming."
Caroline followed while carrying Diana. "We currently live in a mansion filled with employees, so technically we could do exactly that."
Max stopped halfway down the hallway and looked back at her. "Absolutely freaking never. I already missed enough normal family stuff growing up without turning into the mother whose children recognize the nanny faster than they recognize her."
Caroline's expression softened immediately.
Max continued walking before the sincerity could sit around long enough to make her uncomfortable. "Besides, I need these kids to recognize me early because eventually they'll be rich teenagers asking Alex for sports cars, and somebody needs enough emotional leverage to stop that."
Caroline smiled as they headed downstairs. "You realize Alex will absolutely buy them sports cars."
Max glanced over her shoulder. "Then I'll buy them bicycles and hide his wallet."
Caroline followed her into the living room. "He generates money from thin air, Max. His wallet stopped being strategically important several billion dollars ago."
Max sighed as Aiden cried beside her ear. "Then I'm gonna hide Alex."
They spent another fifteen minutes trying increasingly ridiculous solutions.
Caroline turned on soft classical music.
The twins screamed through Mozart.
Max tried humming.
The twins screamed through that too.
Caroline found a baby relaxation CD somebody had gifted them.
Max lasted thirty-seven seconds before turning it off.
"The ocean noise makes me feel like I have to pee," Max said as she dropped the remote onto the table. "I'm already dealing with two leaking humans, so this house has reached its bodily fluid quota."
Caroline gently bounced Diana while walking past her. "There's another CD with rainforest noises."
Max adjusted Aiden against her chest. "Unless that rainforest contains a babysitter carrying tequila, I'm skipping the experience."
The front door opened somewhere down the hall.
A familiar voice carried through the estate before footsteps approached the living room.
Earl entered wearing a dark jacket and his usual cap, carrying a small shopping bag in one hand. He made it three steps into the room before stopping as the combined screaming hit him.
Earl looked between Max and Caroline with a slow smile. "Well, sounds like somebody started a nightclub for very small angry people."
Max stared at him like rescue had arrived wearing comfortable shoes. "Earl, I have never been happier to see an elderly man enter my house."
Earl placed his bag on the table. "That sentence could get interesting without context."
Caroline walked toward him with Diana. "They've been crying forever, and we've tried feeding, changing, rocking, music, walking, swaddling, unswaddling, and Max threatening them with community college."
Max looked toward her indignantly. "Fear of student debt builds character."
Earl chuckled as he took out a hand sanitizer and sanitized his hands. Then he held out his arms toward Aiden. "Give me that little man."
Max handed Aiden over carefully.
Earl settled him against his chest, supported his head, and began gently rocking from side to side while humming something low beneath his breath.
Aiden stopped crying.
The silence happened so quickly that Max and Caroline simply stared.
Aiden made one tiny complaining sound, shifted against Earl's chest, and then settled completely.
Max's mouth slowly opened.
Caroline looked personally offended. "You've got to be kidding me right now."
Earl smiled down at Aiden. "Sometimes babies like a deeper voice and a slower rhythm."
Max narrowed her eyes toward her son. "I gave you life, and all you wanted was smooth jazz Grandpa?"
Earl looked pleased with himself. "People always did appreciate my rhythm."
Max immediately lifted the still-screaming Diana toward him with both hands. "Great, congratulations on your retirement career, because you've got another customer waiting."
Earl laughed as Max practically presented Diana like a restaurant order. "I've only got two arms, baby girl."
Max moved Diana closer. "Figure something out because you're clearly the baby wizard."
Caroline covered a laugh while Diana continued screaming. "I've never seen Max surrender authority this quickly."
Max looked toward her. "I've been awake since four-thirty this morning, so I'd surrender authority to a raccoon if it could make her stop crying."
Another loud voice suddenly came from the hallway.
"Hello, everybody."
Sophie entered wearing a bright maternity dress, oversized sunglasses pushed into her hair, and one hand resting proudly against her growing stomach. She carried several shopping bags while moving through the estate as though she had personally purchased the building during breakfast.
Sophie stopped when she saw Earl holding Aiden and Max holding the screaming Diana. "Oh my God, everybody looks terrible, and suddenly pregnancy feels much less romantic."
Max gave her a flat look. "Perfect timing, Sophie. Come stare directly into your future."
Sophie placed the shopping bags down and approached Diana with complete confidence. "My baby will be very calm because she'll have Polish strength, excellent lungs, and Oleg's fear of disappointing me."
Caroline glanced toward Sophie's stomach. "You realize excellent lungs probably means more screaming."
Sophie waved one hand dismissively. "My child can scream because Oleg will handle nighttime duty while I recover beautifully."
Max stared toward her. "You really think Oleg is handling midnight diaper explosions without turning them into something disgusting?"
Sophie considered that possibility before her confident expression weakened. "Okay, maybe I hire somebody until the baby understands toilets."
Earl noticed Aiden had fallen asleep. He slowly let Caroline take him and then took Diana from Max. And then he put her to sleep within a few seconds. Everyone went silent. Peace had finally returned to the household.
Max and Caroline tiptoed toward the bedroom, put them down on the bed, and sighed in relief. Then they activated the baby monitor and walked out.
"You're a lifesaver, Earl," Max said after walking to the living room.
She invited them to sit, and Caroline brought some snacks and placed them on the table before sitting on the couch.
"How's the wedding planning going?" Max asked.
Sophie's expression immediately transformed. She reached into one enormous handbag and pulled out a binder thick enough to stop a bullet.
Caroline's eyes widened with instant interest. "Is that your wedding planner?"
Sophie hugged the binder to her chest. "This is only volume one because the wedding needs to celebrate love, family, Poland, Ukraine, my body, Oleg's body, and the fact that I finally convinced that filthy man to put a ring on something besides his doodle."
Max looked at the binder. "I'm afraid to ask what volume two celebrates."
Sophie smiled proudly. "The honeymoon planning gets much more educational."
Caroline immediately reached for the binder with the enthusiasm of someone who had spent years waiting for another woman's logistical crisis. "You should let me help because I've planned charity galas, formal dinners, society weddings, and one birthday party where Martha Stewart complimented the floral arrangements."
Max said, "Caroline has been waiting years for somebody to ask that question because rich-girl event planning is her cocaine."
Caroline opened the binder and stared at the first page. "Sophie, why is there a photograph of you riding a white horse while Oleg is shirtless?"
Sophie leaned over proudly. "That's the entrance concept."
And so, they began to discuss Sophie's dream wedding plans while the kids finally fell asleep...
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