Hey there, Folks.
How has life been treating you all?
Good, I hope!
This year has been quite the ride, yeah?
Just a roller-coaster of wild things, but I am not one to complain, nor are you all here for that, lol.
I hope that you all are safe wherever you are reading this from, and that you have all that you need in these trying times.
I live between my paychecks, so I know the struggle.
I know what it is to need.
To hunger.
To be exhausted.
I know, and I can relate.
Just hang in there, okay?
Life gets no easier; we get stronger, you know?
Let's be stronger this year, shall we?
On a random side note: My ex keeps randomly popping into my head, and I don't like it.
Do you all think that she could be using some sort of intrusive witchcraft on me!?!?!?
I need to seriously look into that, lol.
I don't like random, lingering thoughts popping into my mind that aren't -seemingly- of my own volition.
I will see to it and maintain my mental peace.
That is the most important thing that we can do.
I will let you all get to what you came for, Folks.
See to your mental and emotional health, yeah?
See you back here soon!
Enjoy.
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September 15th, 2013.
Journal #093.
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Stress... Is annoying.
Man,
XXXXX called me drunk.
She had some problems with XXXXX.
She loves him very much.
It's weird, but I'm fine with that.
Yeah, it hurts, but for nearly as long as I've known her, she's been with him, so I'm used to it.
She needs to be happy, and I'd rather see her with him than anyone else, if not me, I guess.
That would be the least painful for me...
He's having trouble with his tonsils, she says.
I hope it's nothing serious.
It sounded like internal bleeding by what she said, but I am no Doctor.
Any other guy would be like: "He deserves it." and be happy that he's -her ex- is in pain, but no one deserves pain...
No matter how good or bad you are.
Illness is not punishment.
If he makes her happy, even just a little, then I can live with that.
Six years is a long time to love and hate someone.
So this whole XXXXX thing is annoying.
I don't care about her.
I have no leftover feelings.
Seeing her irritated me, NOT hurt me.
I think no matter if you care about someone or not, seeing an ex can trigger memories, and that alone is enough to make you irritable.
Right?
Right.
-----
Hmm.
- You know something kinda shitty? I had taken the time and effort to put myself into the "friend zone." when it came to her.
And as much as it had hurt, I was going to be just fine.
She would call me and talk to me about anything and everything, including her ex.
I was fine with that.
I didn't think about loving her.
I didn't care that we wouldn't have a future.
I relinquished the idea of being anything other than friends.
SHE gave me the idea and illusion that there was and could always be something more.
That is cruel and selfish.
I was just fine going on with my life with her as a friend, but she saw the good in me and figured she could use me for whatever she wanted because I was madly in love with her.
That is cruel and selfish.
I am healed and better for it, you know?
I have grown beyond the pain and have moved on with my life.
I can talk about her to people and do so without it hurting anymore.
Do you want to know what does bother me at times?
The idea of someone being able to live day to day, month to month, and year to year with someone whom they care NOTHING for. You know?
How can you literally use someone for years and sleep soundly at night?
That is not only cruel and selfish, but also inhuman.
- I was so detached from her mentally that I really hoped that she would get back with her ex and just leave me alone. I was growing tired of the back-and-forth games, and she knew it.
Hell, she was reading my journal, and may as well have been reading my mind.
What a fucking shit show, right?
I was so far into the friend zone that I was giving her advice on how to deal with and even get back with her ex.
As much as I wish that would have happened now, I am glad that it didn't, only because I don't think I would be sitting here writing for you all had it not.
Hmm, and hmm again.
A lesser man would have definitely told her and her ex to fuck off, but I wanted nothing but the best for her, even if that best was nothing to do with me.
I still wish her nothing but the best, just as long as and contingent on her staying as far from me as humanly possible, lbvs.
Negative energy is heavy, and I refuse to carry that energy anymore.
- The first XXXXX is my ex, the second is her ex, and the third is one of my other exes, lol.
She had popped up out of the blue, and it was pretty jarring for me.
She had used me as well, long before the 8.5-year nightmare that would become my latest ex.
She didn't deserve my time or energy, and I was pressed by her presence not only because I was in love with someone else, but because I had a strange fear in me that her being around would ruin what my hopes were so highly built towards.
A part of me wishes that this had been the case, lol.
But alas, and again, had that happened, we wouldn't be here now, would we?
-I think that being triggered when you see an ex is normal, especially if you have some tough history, you know?
Regardless of how much you've healed and moved on.
Memories are potent things to have and behold.
Be careful with those with whom you make memories.
Life is short and complex; use your time and energy well.
That will do it for me this time around, Folks.
I hope to see you all back here soon for the next entry, and I hope that you all are doing great when that time comes.
Safe travels, Folks.
I will see you just as soon as I see you.
I love you all dearly, and I hope that one of you hits the lottery and donates a bunch of pennies towards the publication of one of these books of mine, lmao.
I'm joking! You owe me nothing!
See you soon, yeah?
Till that time, and as always;
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.