Starting today, His Majesty the Tsar's Imperial Office grants Ivan Kalbovich the honorary position of Eighth-Class Civil Servant and also appoints him as the Chief Minister of the Petersburg Hemorrhoid Inspection Department.
Accompanying the decree is a close-up of Ivan's posterior framed in rosewood, with a golden inscription shining brightly: Here lies the grace of His Majesty.
…
Gogol's wig slipped half an inch with the trembling of his shoulders, the oily strands dangling over the manuscript of "Hemorrhoids".
His expression was quite peculiar, the corners of his mouth twitching like the winding spring of a malfunctioning pocket watch; each time they irreversibly curled up, they were forcefully pressed back into place.
