"Pfft!"
Deadpool barely managed a single bite before violently spitting it out.
"You've got to be kidding me!" he yelled, pointing accusingly at Rosh. "This tastes like a dumpster fire mixed with something that legally shouldn't be edible!"
He gagged dramatically, clutching his throat. In all his years of questionable life choices, he was certain he'd never tasted anything this horrific.
And yet…
Oddly enough, that only made him more convinced.
If this were a scam, why would anyone make the product taste this atrocious?
"Sir," Rosh said calmly, his expression perfectly serious, "there's an old saying from my homeland: Good advice grates on the ears, and effective medicine is often bitter."
"Huh?" Deadpool blinked. "Sorry, what was that? The flavor assaulted my soul so hard I temporarily lost the ability to hear."
Rosh: "..."
"Eh, I'll catch the replay later," Deadpool said, waving it off casually.
Then, as if making the worst decision of his day, and possibly his life, he pinched his nose, stuffed the rest of the fruit into his mouth, chewed aggressively, and swallowed.
"I must be completely insane for believing your nonsense—"
He froze.
"—Wait. Hold on. Why do I feel… tingly?"
The regret hit him immediately. Deadpool mentally scolded himself for being impulsive. There was no way a fruit could actually be magical. That kind of thing only happened in comics.
Before he could finish the thought, a strange sensation spread across his skin. Warm. Light. Almost electric.
Deadpool raised a hand to his face.
The rough, scarred texture he'd lived with for years was disappearing right beneath his fingers. The pits smoothed out. The disfigurement faded. His skin became impossibly sleek, like polished marble.
"…Shit, no way!"
His eyes widened.
In one swift motion, Deadpool tore off his mask.
Standing there was a man with a completely renewed face, smooth, clean, and shockingly normal.
Deadpool sucked in a sharp breath, fumbled for his phone, flipped the camera to selfie mode, and stared.
"HOLY FUCK!"
He screamed so loudly he nearly dropped it.
The face that once looked like it had lost a fistfight with reality itself was gone.
Not improved. Not hidden.
Completely healed.
"Are you kidding me…?" Deadpool whispered, touching his face again just to be sure. "My face… It's actually fixed?"
"As you can see," Rosh said smugly, arms folded, "Your skin is now incredibly smooth. I wasn't lying, was I?"
Once a customer experienced a Devil Fruit firsthand, closing the deal became dramatically easier, especially for someone like Deadpool, whose biggest flaw had just been perfectly addressed.
The odds of a successful sale had skyrocketed.
"This isn't just smooth!" Deadpool exclaimed, practically vibrating with excitement. "Even the goddesses I imagine before going to sleep don't have skin this good! I swear, women would lose sleep over how flawless I look right now!"
"Sir," Rosh said smoothly, choosing his timing perfectly, "I take it you're satisfied with our Devil Fruit?"
"Satisfied?" Deadpool laughed. "That word doesn't even come close. I don't even know how to describe this...excited, thrilled, emotionally compromised..."
The look in Deadpool's eyes said it all. He wasn't exaggerating.
"I'm honored," Rosh said with a polite nod. "However, what you just consumed was merely a sample. The effects will only last for five minutes."
Deadpool stiffened.
"But don't worry," Rosh continued seamlessly. "Once you purchase the full Smooth-Smooth Fruit, that face of yours will remain permanently."
Now it made sense.
Deadpool finally understood why Rosh had been so generous with the trial. Five minutes of heaven, just enough to hook him.
"Wow. You sneaky bastard," Deadpool said, pointing at him. "You knew I'd want it after this, didn't you? Fine. I admit it, I'm sold! I'll take the fruit!"
"Excellent choice," Rosh said pleasantly. "As part of our grand opening promotion, all fruits are currently thirty percent off. The original price of the Smooth-Smooth Fruit is one million dollars. With the discount, it's only seven hundred thousand."
"…Say that again." Deadpool's grin froze in place.
"One million dollars," he repeated slowly. "For a fruit?"
"Seven hundred thousand right now," Rosh corrected politely. "And honestly, sir, do you really think that's expensive?"
He leaned in slightly. "Let's be real. Even seven million dollars couldn't fix your face before, could it?"
Deadpool opened his mouth, then closed it.
"And there's more," Rosh added calmly. "In the near future, my shop will stop accepting U.S. dollars altogether. Transactions will be conducted exclusively in gold. When that happens, the price will increase significantly."
Rosh paused, then smiled.
"And improving your appearance? That's just a side effect. The true power of the Smooth-Smooth Fruit is something far more impressive."
Deadpool frowned. "What do you mean?"
"It makes your skin completely frictionless," Rosh explained. "Do you understand why I keep emphasizing the word smooth?"
"Uh… I thought smooth just meant sexy," Deadpool said honestly.
"If it were purely cosmetic, it'd be called the Beauty-Beauty Fruit," Rosh replied. "But this is the Smooth-Smooth Fruit. It means zero friction."
"Zero friction?" Deadpool scoffed. "That's ridiculous. You expect me to believe that?"
*Slap!*
Without warning, Deadpool slapped himself across the face.
Rosh blinked. 'Classic Deadpool.'
"…Whoa." Deadpool stared at his hand. "It didn't hit. It slid. My slap just… slipped right off. Like I tried to punch ice."
Even with his insane regeneration, pain was still pain. And that slap hadn't hurt at all.
"You can take it further," Rosh said. "Try removing your shoes. As long as the ground isn't perfectly level, you'll slide."
Deadpool didn't even wait for him to finish.
Shoes off.
A second later, Deadpool began sliding sideways across the shop, drifting effortlessly as if the floor were coated in invisible ice.
"THIS IS AMAZING!" he shouted, laughing wildly. "I'm basically a human slip-and-slide! This is way too cool!"
Rosh watched calmly as Deadpool glided around the store, already knowing...
This sale was as good as done.