The jolt hit me like tripping on a crack in the sidewalk, that exact same crack every day. It was HER. The one who pulled me out. I couldn't make my lungs work right.
But she just walked into class. Slow. The boys stared, like leeches, the kind that latch onto your leg in the muddy pond. I was stuck. Then I saw my mom at the door with Principal Sir. My stomach did a weird flip-flop. The girl looked right through me. Like I was a window. A dirty window.
"Eryx. Office." Principal Sir's voice was like a door slamming.
My mom's face was a closed book. The kind with the lock. I walked. Everyone stared. Their eyes felt sticky. I sat on the scratchy red sofa. It smelled like old dust and disappointment.
Principal Sir smiled but his eyes were little angry dots. "Eryx, how are you?" he said, but it wasn't a question.
My mom looked at me. Her eyes were saying words her mouth wasn't. Please. Sorry. I don't know.
"Mrs. KC," the principal said, turning. He had a coffee stain on his tie. Brown and shaped like an island. "Absences. Too many. I am tired. Countless times I have tried to motivate this boy. Countless." He said 'countless' like it was a heavy stone.
My mom's head went down. "Sorry, sir. Never again. He will never."
"Fourth time, Mrs. KC." He sighed a big sigh. His chair squeaked. "Don't be sad. Not your fault. But your responsibility. The reason he is like this? You. Parenting mistakes."
"Sorry sir, sorry, sorry." Her voice was a tiny mouse.
He slapped a folder open. The paper was yellowy. "Look. This record." My mom cried. Quiet. Shoulder shaking. He looked at me with pure disgust, like I was a slug on his nice floor. Then he looked at her, all soft. "Mrs. KC, I understand you. But your son? He does not understand."
I just sat. I wasn't anything. I was a hollow tree. A shell. They talked for ten years. Or ten minutes.
Finally, he did the big pronouncement. "Restriction. Ten more absences this year? Expelled. Finished."
My mom, still crying, whispered, "Thank you, sir." Thank you. That hit my hollow chest with a dull thud.
"Go to class."
I went. The hallway was very long and the tiles were a checkerboard. I thought, why am I searching for an answer that's hiding? Is it me searching or is it someone else making me? A tiny voice in my head, my own but not, said, "Who even are you?" I stopped walking. My shoe was untied. I didn't know. Should I dig around inside me to find out? Or just be… this? This empty feeling.
Back in class. "May I come in?"
Teacher nodded. Her bangles clinked.
I sat. Alien. They all stared. Leeches again. This time, even her. The girl. She stared too. Her eyes weren't piercing now. They were just… blank. Like a wiped whiteboard.
Last bell. A scream of freedom. I ran. I didn't know from what. My legs just did it. My schoolbag slapped my back. I went into this small hotel, "Shree Krishna Hotel," the sign was half broken. Bought a bottle of local booze. Drank. It tasted like medicine and fire.
A man was there. Maybe 32. His shirt had a loose thread on the collar. He looked at my hands. "Boy. Why are you trembling? Something wrong?"
"Nah…nothing…ahh." I was staring. I felt anxious for no map. I know the world is a big empty question mark. But still. Fear. A cold spot in my guts.
He sighed. A deep, tired sound. "I had a son. Your age maybe. He was…wiser. Spiritual. Saw a man. Dying in the road. Accident. People just watching, like it was TV. My son…he moved. He grabbed the man, carried him. Running to hospital. Man died. Right there in his arms." The man's eyes were looking at the sticky table, not me. "Police came. Family came. They blamed him. 'You moved him! You made him vibrate with your running! You killed him!' Case. Political stuff. Five hours in jail. Just five hours. But for him…it was a lifetime. One month later. He found a rope."
The man's voice was hollow. Like my chest.
I was silent. My tongue was a dead fish. Finally, I pushed words out. "I'm…sorry."
He shook his head. "Don't be. Just…don't end up like him. This world. It's a confusing puzzle with missing pieces."
We talked. The clock ticked. A fly buzzed against the window. I told him about the principal, my mom's face, the leeches. He told me about his job at the ration shop, the sound of the ceiling fan in his empty house. It was easy. With strangers you never see again, you can be your real shadow. With people you know, you have to wear a costume. But…what if you don't even know what your real shadow looks like?
Walking home later. The streetlights were buzzing with insects. Then I saw her. On the bridge over the dirty river. The girl. Just standing. Not moving. Staring down at the black water. It wasn't normal staring. It was the kind of stare that goes all the way down. My heart did a funny clutch, like a fist squeezing.
Walk away. She ignored you.
But my feet were stuck. A feeling, like a rumble in my bones, said, "Don't."
I took a breath. The air smelled of fish and diesel. I stepped closer. My shoes scuffed on the gravel. "Hey…" My voice cracked. Stupid. "Are you… okay?"